SO yesterday I joined a yahoo type support group, for parent's of people with BPD. It is moderated by the author of the eggshells book. I signed up, told my story, and tried to post. They screen/moderate new posts of new members. No biggie.
Except that it's day two and I'm not showing up.
I just wanted to say, thanks Dawn for making the support immediate once we find your site, and get brave enough to post.
I think this set up is one of the best I've seen.
Except have been thinking about how we can get that privacy thing for some of us who are interested, now that BS 11 has walked around the computer enough while I'm typing, and is nosy enough that he now is asking how my "STEP TALK" friends are doing.
Hmmm...nosy little buggar.
I'm am now a little more concerned that he will look on here, or tell SD the name of it.
But fortunately, we have the meanest parental controls around and I will just put anything to do with ST on their "blocked sites" list for now. That's won't help at my exh's house or BMs though.
I agree
Over the long time that I've been here, people have complained about anonymous posters, lack of privacy, flamers and people with bad attitudes. Sorry to say, but you'll find that everywhere. I think Dawn has done a great job on this site and considering how busy it is, it is doing very well. I don't know how many registered users there are, but I'd say it's in the thousands, and considering anonymous posters as well this site probably sees many more people than that on a daily basis. You can't expect for that many people to come together and there not be a misunderstanding or two. But I think that for the most part, everyone on here has a very good attitude and is here for the right reasons.
As for the lack of privacy...while the blog entries may be searchable - I don't know - I'll say this. I have one of the most stubborn stalker BMs that I think anyone on this site has ever seen and can attest to that. But somehow, she's never found me on here. You have to take a little accountability for your own actions when it comes to someone finding you on the internet. If you use real names or give too much defining detail about yourself, your family, or BM...people will find you. If someone sees you on the site at home or goes into your history on your computer, that's different of course. But that would be the case no matter what site you visited.
I've seen lots of people leave because of these issues. I just never have agreed with any of them. I think that this is a fantastic site and is great just the way it is.
*wipes the brown off her nose*
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Since I've been on MySpace...
I have been alittle worried that family will figure out about steptalk. Not that I'm trying to hide it or anything like that, but I feel this is my safe zone and I'm allowed to throw down and act like a little spoid brat if i want and not be judged about it.
Love this site, love my sista's.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
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Other sites
have gradually been infiltrated by the psycho BMs and their massive hatred, jealousy of the SMs and vitriole pushes out the very people for whom the site was created in the first place. ST ROCKS!!!
this site rocks!
i wanna give dawn a big hug and kiss for making this site! it has been an absolute godsend to me and the friendships ive made w u gals...well, being in a new city w/o my "real-life" friends, u gals have all really really made up for it. i check in all the time just to see whats going on w everyone. i love y'all and i love steptalk!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
big big hug to all my ST family
like bellacita this site has been a godsend and the wonderful friends I have made but never "met" are probably some of the best friends I have.
thank you Dawn and my ST sista's
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I don't think its possible
I don't think its possible to get away from negativity on ST because thats just the nature of the beast.
The relief in the voices of those who have just found StepTalk is palpable and I would hate to begrudge them that moment of relief and release and knowing there are others out there that feel (or have felt) the same way.
The chance to vent without guilt or judgement is why I love ST so much. Getting all the frustration, anger and resentment out was a necessary step for me to get to a place where I could hear the good advice I was getting and start to deal with situations and relationships in a more healthy way.
Its not a straight forward journey. Sometimes its 1 step forward, 2 steps back and I find myself needing to have that rant, rage and vent again.
We are so lucky on ST that we have people at all stages on the journey to healthy step relationships. Whether it's venting, identifying, asking for help or passing on good advice, you can always find someone on ST to give you a HALLELUJAH SISTA!
The wonderful friendships I have made since joining have been an unexpected bonus and I treasure them. Thank you all so much.
I did finally get accepted to the parents of BPD site
But no quick welcome or responses. I kept it brief (for me!) so as not to dump everything on them all at once.
We'll see. Some of the posts on there are helpful to read, albeit scary, because as BPD's get older, they tend to seem to come into their "BPDness."
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I totally agree
that this site is the BEST!!!
MamaSita...
Is there a solution for SD?
I know BM is lost. She's 40. But if they would have caught it when she was young...could it have been fixed?
Are you just setting yourself up to continue loving someone who is unlovable?
Or maybe you are breaking thru? Maybe you will be able to coax her into her twenties to become a productive adult?
Is there any hope left?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
privacy
I care more about privacy for others, rather than myself. If anything, I hope to god BM reads what I've written about her. Ha! That would make my day. But no...seriously some of it shouldn't be read by the skids that's for sure, especially if I've vented but don't mean it you know? That might cause some hurt feelings. I think everyone would be able to find a way of sort-of remaining anonymous until a way is found to make screenings/etc. possible.
~ Remember it's your life too ~
This is my only fear
SD's diagnosis isn't even known to her.
I think kids are so computer savvy. SD knows I am in a support group online, and that I am meeting other SMs from it soon. She doesn't show much interest.
My own son, 11, my twin soul is very curious about what I do on the computer. I think it's because he is like me, and likes to be in on the loop.
I had a talk with him that if I had known he was reading over my shoulder to find out what I was doing, I would not have kept my page up. He would come behind me to ask a question, or give me a hug. I saw him glance at the screen but didn't think much of it til he mentioned "your STEPTALK friends." Then I really thought about how much personal stuff we share, even anonymously.
I could care less if BM found it, or read what I wrote about her. But if either of them read about all this BPD stuff, the shit will hit the fan. I think if SD had a different diagnosis, and knew it herself (like depression or anxiety disorder) it wouldn't be as big a deal. But with all her behavioral issues, and her perceived hatred from me, she would never see the love, confusion, vulnerability of my posts. She would only read "Sita hates SD." Which I don't, haven't said...
I hate her behavior, her BPD. I really really do. I can't help myself there. But I love SD.
She just wouldn't be able to understand that and would spiral out of control if she ever read it.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
The ONLY thing I worry about is...
the personal gripes I have about skids and HD, I DO NOT want to hurt their feelings, that's all my posts are; gripes,venting....
Now as far as BM is concerned, I could give a rat's ass about HER, personally, I would LOVE to see her reaction on what I write about HER!
But.... then again, it wouldn't hurt me, she has a way of twisting things around sooo much that it ends up hurting the skids...
My SS has actually told me while we were having lunch one day, that when people ask him who his parents are, he tells them HD & HANGINGIN, because the few times he has told BM's name he would cringe at the looks of pity they gave him.
hangingin
More worried about SD myself
Have I ever written anything on here that would upset my DH? Probably. Yes, I can think of a few. But if he comes looking, he would also know he shouldn't have, and he does pretty much respect my privacy and need for this outlet.
But a 13, with tons of mental issues? I don't want her to find this stuff. So sometimes I worry about it a lot. I also don't want to edit myself here, because of that worry. But it does cross my mind.
Hopefully, we will be able to have an option soon that allows at least our posts to be for members only. I realize that responses will be difficult to manage that way, but I think there should be a way to make an option of "my posts will be read by members only" and/ or "buddies only." I know myspace has that.
We could have public profiles but privacy options. I hate to keep asking, but some of the stuff we write is highly personal.
Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
me too
FH gets his feelings hurt quite easily, and although I dont post anything that is not the truth or like hangingin stated just a vent, just something to get off my chest like writing in a diary.
although lately I have been trying to be more open about the things I talk about on here, and I would love to have FH read some of the posts cuz I think he could learn alot!!
oh well...
he is on my myspace but I will not post publicly there I will however do it on the host and other ST groups I have been invited to.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Sita, I'm with CG.. is there hope?!
I have a stb 13 yo SS who has BPD. Please tell me there's hope! Also, I'm interested in the BPD site you found, mind sharing? Possibly in pm?
BPD hope
Well....
I think the main hope that we are given as parents is that since the disorder is personality related their personalities may change and mature.
But we have not seen any decrease in impulsiveness, or maturing in thought of SD, only more refinement of her manipulation techniques.
I did just join a site called welcome_to_oz, for parents of BPD kids, and just received my first response on there. One of the authors of the walking_on_eggshells book started and moderates it. A woman wrote me welcoming me today, and is sending me info. She told me, "Step or not you are the one parenting a BPD child, and you are welcome here." That was nice as I wasn't sure how others would feel about that.
I go back and forth between a "fantasy" of sorts, that SD gets it one day and realizes that she can love both BM and me in a gray place, rather than pit us against each other in her black and white mind. That she will come to see my patience and calmness as good mom traits, like she did back when I was idolized and BM was evil.
Right now I feel she has accepted that BM is very flawed. But SD is using those flaws to gain power. She uses BM's weaknesses to manipulate her into getting whatever she wants. She rationalizes it as "I'm the victim of my parents divorce, a mean SM, an absent BM...so I'm gonna get whatever I can out of it."
So right now BM's a "better" mom because she "cares enough to do what I want her to." Where as I am an uptight, mean, control freak for trying to teach her to self regulate her behavior, by having to correct her compulsive ritual type attention seeking behavior.
Had a talk with DH last night about ways he contributes to her behavior. Like he finally took over all decisions by telling her she had to talk to him first. That's great, but she ended up just asking me first, then when I said wait til you talk to your dad she'd call him for the answer. (Resulting in 10 or so non emergent interruptions to his work day EVERY day.) So he would tell me, "She may go to so and so's for 2 hours," so that she wouldn't be able to pester me for more and more things. Then SD would go, come back, and immediately ask to go back again. I would say, "Did your dad say you could do that?" She would call DH, in the middle of a meeting, and bug him to go back. He would assume that I wanted her to go to get out of my hair, and tell her she could.
So last night I told him, "I think you need to decide the total time she can be at a friends all day, then allow her to regulate how that time is spent. But when the time is up it's up. No more calling to stay longer.
She doesn't listen to the regulations. I found that he tends to let it go. I told him today, that if you tell you may have 4 hours at so and so's, between 1-5 (when Anna's napping to let me have time alone and quiet for Anna to sleep) she starts heading out at noon. So you have to tell her again, "I said after 1." We have to keep on her like a younger child, because she has a memory of convenience for such things.
If you say you may have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack...
You have to say also, "If you want to eat all of that you must have breakfast by 10, lunch by 1 or 2. If breakfast isn't til noon, then you can have a snack at 2 and 4 etc"
Otherwise she is so ingrained that she will get breakfast at 1, but still expect that she needs lunch and two snacks before dinner.
It's weird.
But very BPD.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
How do you differentiate?
between normal teenager stupidity and BPD?
My BS12 has many immature traits that you speak of in your SD. SO how do you know what's normal and what's extreme.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Ahh BPD teens...there's the rub
The best thing I ever read about BPD came from that walking eggshells book and I think sums up the answer to your question quite nicely. BPDs feel the same emotions, insecurities, anger, frustration, sadness, etc as everyone else.
ONLY MORE SO.
So...SD acts like a "typical" teen. That is a teen on some kind of SUPERSENSITIZING, ANGST PRODUCING, IDENTITY CRISIS INFLICTING STERIODS.
I am going to start a new thread for this one. I think it's too vast for my longwinded brain to respond here.
Sita, Are you raising my SD?
Your story sounds so much like mine. We haven't had any major blowups lately, but she is the one selfish child that I have. Everything must center and be about her and for her benefit and when that doesn't happen...Whoa Nelly. She and I bump heads so much because I call her on her BS everytime she pulls one of her stunts and try to talk reason with her. Although there are times when she is not even open to reasoning. She too sees the weakenss in BM and uses it to her advantage. She does not want to go with BM unless she is spending money (Shopping, taking SD & friends to movies, etc.).
She once asked DH for a pair of $125 sneakers. DH told her she had better save her allowance. (We have a rule in our house that anything over $10, they have to meet us half way. So if they want something that is $20 they have to bring the $10 to the table BEFORE it gets purchased). Anyways she and her best friend were discussing this (got the story from BF's mom) and she was upset and whining about DH saying no. BF says well you know money is tight for everyone, look at the gas prices. If he said no, then he really could not afford it. SD says I don't care, I will just tell my mom to buy it. BFs are you kidding me? Do you ever think about that maybe BM can't afford it, but she goes out of her way when you ask for things because she feels guilty? SD says Yea, well so I don't care. I just want the shoes. To which BM ran out and bought.
When we have a guilty conscience we tend to over indulge. When one's conscience is clear, we can say no when there is a strong reason to do so.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
We are in fact raising the same SD...
When they still had shared parenting, BM bribed SD with a car (SD was ELEVEN) if SD would pick the high school convenient to her. WHen SD told me that I said, "What do you think about bribing for something that your dad and BM should sit down and decide together as your parents?" Sd said, "Oh...it's probably wrong. But it sure WORKS."
Nice lessons.
That's always the problem with SD. It's not enough she CAN manipulate BM, she likes to brag about it, invite us to criticize BM so SD can then get all dramatic and defend her. Earlier in the week SD told my sister, "Yeah...I'm tired. I was talking to my friend in Vegas at three am." My sister asked me if I knew she was on the phone. I said, "Ummm...she was at BMs that night. I have to lock the contacts on our phone, and take the one that won't lock to bed. Right after I lock up the sugar canister, hide the ice cream in another box, and lock up the pantry...all before I can go to bed.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I am deeply grateful to Steptalk...
For the friendships I've made and the advice I've received and...it's a wonderful site. It truly is.
Fearless said something serious??
I did.
I love Steptalk! I do!
________________________________________________________________
Soon to be Fearless the Free!
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