"... I think the reason your dreading this time is because you overcompensate for your SD all the time. It sounds like you do WAY more for SD (like many of us on this site) than for your bio kids."
What an amazing insight to share. I knew, I felt, I could never put my finger quite on it.
But there it is.
And in reverse, our DH's also do more, try harder, feel more responsibility for our SKs than our BKs.
Now in all fairness they are likely the ones that have it right. Or would in an ideal world where everyone gets along (I have this with my ex and his W) and DH's exwives weren't doing everything in their power to poison their kids against rational thought, responsibility, or simply our family.
DH and I talked about this the other night (again.) He knows that I do far more for SD. He knows that he doesn't have to try as hard. Because my sons have a great dad who is very involved with them.
But...it would help I think, if he put as much time and effort into finding a way to make this family work, as I do.
He is very focused on career, and I have to give him that because I'm not working.
Lately though, I have thought of getting a job, so that he will have to find a way to do more for her. I am stuck with her, bugging me for something (food, entertainment, my curling iron, my hair ties, permission to do something with this friend, then that one, then another I never heard of...) ALL day. He has tried setting up guidelines for her to self regulate. A schedule. She decides none of the things she's allowed to do that don't require permission from me, just letting me know where she is, are not fun, she's not in the mood, etc.
She wants the computer, because I'm working on my weekly blog.
She wants my curling iron because I told her before she can't use it (it doesn't have auto shut off and she leaves it on.) She's only asking because I noticed she went through my stuff in the bathroom again, looking for my nail polish, the remover, etc. So DH told her she's not allowed in our bathroom rummaging through.
Yesterday, I found mouse poop in her laundry basket, and on her floor. Not back a week and there must be a food stash up there. Or, more likely since I didn't find much and she hasn't been back very long, the poop came back in her laundry she brought over from BMs, who lets her keep food stored in her room and encourages her to eat in there alone (always has since SD was small.)
SD argued with me it wasn't poop it was "Nerds." I said, "I've yet to see a nerd that's black, smashable, and looks like a tiny turd." Had to go up and find another one (I did) to show her. Then she stomped away muttering about my uptightness again under her breath.
If I wasn't here, he would have to do something, right?
you're right.
i am learning the more i do for SS or even our BD, the LESS he does. it's like a teeter toter. back off and let her run herself into a corner. when he asks you what happened and why? you can let him know you are far too busy to shoulder the majority of the responsibility for SD and that this family will only start functioning more efficiently and BETTER when he starts playing on the 'team.' right now, he's sitting in the stands watching the show and calling plays from the sidelines.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
I think I've picked up black and white thinking from SD
I seem to either give her my all, far too much of me, then I burn out and it's totally disengaging.
I also think that having 5 weeks of normalcy only made this stressful attention seeking behavior more highlighted for me.
It's worse now, for me, than before she left.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I think we overcompensate for lots of reasons...
1. We feel bad for SKids because of who they got as a mom. Let's face it, in many of these situations we are the better moms and we feel guilty that we are not our skids bio moms.
2. Since they aren't here as much, I know I did more when they were here. It was like they were guests and I go overboard for guests! lol
3. We want to be the "cool stepmom" and kiss their spoiled little butts with that wish ever present in our jacked-up minds!
I too, have disengaged. My adult SDs did not get Easter goodies sent to them and the younger one is wondering why her fall college tuition isn't paid. Ask your Dad!! I'm the one who always got it in there early! He doesn't even know where the hell to send the check!
Oh ladies, this is so true -
Oh ladies, this is so true - I have backed off considerably in the past few months and you what happened? The girls didn't get Valentine's Day gifts, Easter baskets or birthday parties this year. If I don't do these things, no one else will. I am not going to constantly bend over backwards for kids that don't appreciate a darn thing I do. Bottom line - they are not my kids and therefore these things really shouldn't be my responsibility.
FH complained that I don't buy the right snack foods last week and that we didn't have any food in the house - I told him to go shopping himself - and he did Friday after work....haha. I am only 1 person, and unlike BM did during their marriage, I work my ass off full-time at a job where I pretty much get beat down mentally on a daily basis, still manage to come home every night and cook dinner for him and his kids when we have them during weekly visitation, keep this house clean and make sure he has clean laundry.
Not my kids, not my problem!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I know it
I am lucky in that he never complains no matter what. My problem is that he is already stressed enough with work, SD, etc that my venting to him makes it worse for him.
I told him the other day I have thought about getting a job just so he will have to find an alternative for her.
He looked like I punched him.
Also, my sons are choosing more and more to stay at their dad's extra. When DH's here, they avoid us. DH goes to bed and all three kids come into the livingroom to watch TV with me. Anna's the only one who likes hanging around us.
It's like they don't want to be a family anyway, just all want my attention, even SD, even though it's usually negative attention because she's getting on my nerves.
Last night she sat there, virtually sitting on top of me and the boys, rather than choosing another chair. Then she would crack her knuckles, chew on her fingers, pick the skin on her feet. CONSTANTLY. Every time I ask her to "please stop" she says, "GOD." under her breath, getting louder and louder each time.
I am losing it.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh and can I also add that
Oh and can I also add that in the past 2 years I have nursed him through 2 major knee surgeries, 3 MS attacks and have been waiting on him regularly for the past month because he is having a sciatica problem with his back that he will be having surgery for within the next month. It never ends....
I guess all I want is a little gratitude and appreciation for all that I do and for all that I have taken on in this relationship....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Sons wanting to stay with dad?
Oh man, I know that has to be hard for you. and for you to say that its like they don't want to be a family anyway has got to be heart wrenching. i'm sorry sd is putting you thru all of this and worse now. the one thing that i could not stand was the facial expressions and the talking under the breath. how disrespectful. dh always told me to handle it when situations arise, but you know, how do you make someone respect you? you can't! and it doesn't even matter that you do and do and do for these ungreatful brats ! just remember it will all turn around one day.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I am so there
I backed way off this year for summer break, FH has kids 12 & 16 EO week- I did the shopping the cooking and the cleaning and worked a full time job and tried to get some excercise in every time I could, this year, ut uh...
I dont clean after them I dont cook nope.. guess what NOTHING gets done either.
too bad for them.
I can go stay with my mom till time for bed if I want!!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Can I stay with your mom til time to go to bed too?
Like I said on another post, all of the kids become my territory after 9:30 or so because that's when DH goes to bed. They hover, try to out wait me to do something they aren't supposed to.
This didn't happen when SD wasn't here. She instigates mutiny.
I am so tired already.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
MamaSita...
I think your headache going back to school will help matters because then you don't have to endure her ALL day.
I know how it feels when you seem to waste all your energy on one aspect of your life that just does not deserve that much attention.
We could be busy changing the world instead of pointing out the obvious to the incompetent people in our life....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
yeah...but that already short day may be getting shorter
The boys' SM told me she thought the newletter (which I cannot find for the life of me) said they were canceling all busing due to my area's miserly older (but not on fixed income, just don't have kids in the school system anymore) stinginess and lack of support. All our levys have failed for about 10 years and all have completely expired. Last year they made busing cuts to all children within a 2 mile radius of the schools (except for the private school kids, them they are required to bus, but not my kid who goes to the actual school in the system.)
Anyhoo the last time it failed they said they weren't making any cuts (we're over 2 miles away from the middle school they're all attending.) BUT son's SM swears they decided to do it anyway.
Last year I only had to pick up BS 11 at his elementary school, but if they dropped busing for everyone, then this year I have to take/drop off all of them, which means dragging Anna out twice a day every day. So....
My time alone just got shorter by at least an hour and a half.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Don't they have bikes????
And legs for that matter?
Walk. Ride a bike. Tell 'em to find a carpool.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
They do but
It is a very non-kid friendly commute. About 4 miles of Country roads, no sidewalks, and NO shoulder, very few lights. Not safe. That's why it's so irritating that our community is so concerned with a hundred bucks a year property taxes, they won't approve the levy. There's been a whole smear campaign in the local paper too. All these people citing "facts" that the school district has gotten levies passed every time in the last ten years. When actually, NONE have passed in about 12. And once someone writes that, no one will bother checking the facts for it. I also keep hearing that the "fixed" income people are the ones voting against it. Don't buy it. We out number them in this area. It's the older, semi-retired, collecting pension and working at the Y people, like the guy who gave us our Y tour who lives in our allotment, house probably worth a couple hundred K, who said, "Well, once your kids are grown it's hard to support schools you no longer use."
NICE. Not that he can't afford to support them, it's a "what's in it for me" mentality. I often want to put my writing skills to use and send my own editorial in. I would like to state that I wonder if the person who can afford the levy but votes no apathetically would feel if they are one day facing a teen with a gun or a knife, high on drugs or looking for trouble because they're BORED, or because they couldn't afford "pay to play" and therefore didn't get their football scholarship to college and dropped out of high school to become a drug dealer instead. I do believe that there are some kids that sports, drama, chess club SAVES. And these people who can afford the levy but vote no, just don't give a damn. No wonder the kids today seem entitled. The ADULTS are.
I know just how I am going to start that letter too.
"To those voting no to the school levy because they are on a fixed income.
I understand to well how hard it is on a fixed income, when you go to the voting booth and all those schools, fire dept, police dept, are asking for you to vote yes. I remember my 6 years as a single mom of two sons, putting myself through college, working full time to make below poverty level income, trying to keep my furnace going in winter, trying to keep my house from falling down around me, my mortgage paid, going to vote in my local school district, that my kids DIDN'T EVEN ATTEND because they went to my exH's school...
AND VOTING YES EVERY FLIPPING TIME, BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE TAKE-OUT PIZZAS I MIGHT HAVE TO GIVE UP WHEN MY TAXES WERE RAISED."
How's them apples?
Ok...off the levy soapbox!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
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