I just got married last winter to a wonderful man the problem is his 9 yr old son.I knew his son had issues but never knew they were this bad as we never lived together.
1. SS is very spoiled by both parents(BM more)almost worshiped now add the fact SS is rude and disrepectful.If I ask SS to repeat something he said because I did not hear he will tell me rudly he was talking to his dad not me.
2.SS is a total pansy to the point its annoying.He will come screaming into the house if he sees a bug.Will not touch frogs/salamander.If theres a spider in the house I have to kill it or he freaks out.We went to disney and he refused to go on any rides that went faster than 4 miles/hr(what kid does not like thunder mountain?)
To make all this worse both parents baby him to death and treat him like hes 2 yrs old not 9 yrs.In the 5 yrs I have been with BD I have NEVER seen him really discipline SS.The most BD ever does is say " Buddy please don't do that".BM is even worse she call BD once crying saying SS was throwing shoes in the store and she did not know what to do about it.I have gently told BD what I think he should do regarding discipline but he never listens.He thinks since I don't have any kids of my own i don't know what I'm talking about.I may not know much about kids but I know a monster when I see one.
I thought once his son got use to me living here things whould be better but its only getting worse. SS lives with us 50% and BM 50%.
Believe me
whether or not you have biokids of your own, you will always be viewed as an outsider who has no business sticking your nose into skid(s) lives.
You will just be seen as the evil nasty SM who doesn't care about the skid(s) Read: guilt parenting.
Your DH/BF will just see his kids and his situation as being "special" and that the rules of normal boundaries and discipline DO NOT apply to his wonderful angel(s).
If you're getting no support on rules, then it's time to pretend the child doesn't exist. Hard to do with the 50/50 but for your own sanity keep repeating "not my child, not my problem"
Do not help your DH with anything as it concerns the child.
DH: "Can you get junior his special sandwich with the crust cut off and a serving of his fav chips, make sure they are brand name chips"
You: (pretend you can't hear the request and walk away/busy yourself with something in an entirely different section of the house)
I did this with my BF; made him leap to their every beck and call. It helped him realize what a pain in the arse his kids were and although not totally accepting of my standards of discipline, he's gone from thinking his children are "angels" (yes he called them that when he was chewing me out for buying them "day old" hot dog rolls)
to realizing that they are completely spoiled rotten and unappreciative. Of course nothing will be done about it, but the first step to 12 steps is realizing you have a problem on your hands.
You ss sounds a bit like my
You ss sounds a bit like my sd. My sd is also 9, and has some extremely immature behaviors. I think that most of it stems from her figuring out a long time ago that acting like a baby gets lots of attention. Bm especially babies her and caters to her immature behavior rather than trying to help her get over it. I worry all the time that my sd is going to grow up to be an overly dependent, helpless adult. It has taken some time, but gradually I have asserted myself to where I can have some positive influence. At first I took more of a back seat in parenting her. But I realized that that situation made me miserable because it wasn't fair to me to have a child live under my roof that I had no "say" over. Not fair at all. So if I were you, I'd start with your dh.
In the kindest way you can, broach a conversation with him about what he expects from you as a stepparent to your ss. If he says that he wants you to take a back seat, gently point out to him why that is an unhealthy situation for all three of you. Say it denies your ss from a positive parental influence in you, denies him a partner in rearing ss, and it denies you the position of respect in your home. Point out to him that you want to raise ss in the absolute best environment possible, and you see that as a stable "two parent" home and not a home with one parent and one "other." If he says that he wants you to take an active role, then ask him to give you the freedom to do that.
Work at this a little at a time. If your dh can see that you are coming from a place of love and concern for your ss, he will be much more open to your influence. Find things to praise your ss about and make sure your dh hears you. Show him that he can trust you to always have his son's best interest at heart. If you can do that, then he will be much more open to hearing you when you say, "I think that ss's behavior today was not appropriate, and this is my suggestion for how we should handle this the next time it happens."
Ask your dh if he's open to coming up with a set of behavior rules for ss. If you can get on the same page with what is acceptable and what is not, then it will be so much easier.
I think this is super important and its something I learned AFTER I had my own children. I am much more critical of things my sd does than I am my bio children. Sd's behavior quirks get on my nerves much more than those of my own children. Things that I let slide with my own children I think back to when sd was that age and remember how angry it made me that she "got away with it." So always take a step back and really ask yourself if this is something that is important. Choosing your battles is such a huge skill that will help you.
Also, you might point out to your dh (gently) that not having children of your own doesn't disqualify you from being a good parent. Ask him to be a co-parent with you. Ask him to give his son the benefit of a parenting team that seek to guide him into being a happy kid and well adjusted adult. Tell him that two heads are better than one and you know if you can approach this as a team that it will only be a positive for all of you.
Sorry if I'm rambling. I want to help you because I've been in your shoes and I've struggled with these struggles.
Good luck.
This is good advice
but if it gets you nowhere and your DH keeps caving and backsliding, it's time to disengage!!!
There's NO WAY i'll EVER get my BF to completely discipline the skids and stick to a normal visitation schedule, not letting his ex-wife control our lives from afar.
I've had biokids and BF has outright told me that he will not "read crayon's book of parenting" even though my bio kids are grown and were never brought up like spoiled brats. I DID NOT do ANY guilt parenting, believe me!
Crayon, I totally understand
Crayon, I totally understand why some women choose to disengage from the situation. I think in reality a woman has 2 choices when she gets pushed into the back seat and can't get her power back. She either gets a divorce, or she disengages. I was completely willing to get a divorce. I figured that if my dh and I weren't going to cooperate as parents to ALL the kids, then I would be better off being completely out of the situation entirely. There is no way I could disengage on the outside *and* the inside. So I knew that my sanity would depend on getting out if things didn't improve. I had to go so far as to retaining an attorney, but at that point my dh saw that I meant business. Like I've said before, therapy was the only thing that saved us. I'm glad I didn't simply withdraw into the background. I think that would have been the worst mistake I ever made in my life. But all situations are different. The biggest thing I can say is for a woman not to be afraid to make choices for herself and her own happiness, be that divorce, disengaging, whatever.
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