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Former Step-parents Relationship W/ BS After Divorce

Submitted by storm on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 11:04am. General Discussion

Little background.

My BS15 was 7 when I married former H. They had their ups and downs during our 6 year marriage, but got along alright. We have been divorced for 2 years and ExH & BS spend a lot of time together (lots of people have their theories on this one, but I like to think ExH just likes hanging w/ BS) I don't really have a problem with their "friendship" other than the fact he continues to spoil BS. And, my BF thinks their relationship is completely inappropriate.

Yesterday, ExH told me he was taking BS to workout (as the always do) and then going to buy him a battery for BS's video camera. ExH said, "I'm sure he was already told no by you." I told him, "No, he didn't ask me, and I think he knows better." If I had told him no was ExH not going to buy it? I really wanted BS to get some kind of job this summer so in my mind BS would have money to buy things like this that he wants. He didn't.

Admittingly, BS has always been spoiled. By me & ExH, my family and ExH's family. (Child of a single parent and everyone felt sorry for him. It has worked for BS for many years) He's a great kid, but, he'll be 16 in a couple of months and I'm done handing things over to him. My family and I have been on board with this for the last few years, but BS still knows how to play the system when it comes to ExH.

So, BS comes home with the battery and tells me he made a deal with ExH that BS has to clean up his room for the purchase of the battery. This seems completely crazy to me since the battery has already been purchased, but not my deal with BS I guess. He did start to clean it up (didn't see completion when I left for work this a.m.) but BS wants a friend to spend the night this weekend and knows my rule that the only way that happens is if the room is clean. I don't think he would have started to clean it up just for the battery he already had.

My problem (and I know my BF's problem) is my ExH is not his father, we are divorced, and although he has spent a lot of time with my BS, we have never been parenting this child together.

My BF thinks their relationship and ExH's involvment with parenting him is out of line. I've tried to explain that I can't tell BS or ExH that they can't hang out, and that ExH has been the only father figure for most of the kids life. Even though BS has a distant relationship with his BioF I have never discussed parenting BS with him.

Is it appropriate that ExH and I still, kind of, parent my BS together? Should I be enforcing the "deals" ExH makes w/ BS? Is it any different than if I was doing the same things with BioF?

Anyone have any experience in this area?

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I have had, and still do

Submitted by nannyof4 on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 4:36pm.

I have had, and still do have experience in this kind of situation, only I am the one in your ex-h position and there is nothing wrong with it. I co-parent with the bio-mother though because his father is to hung up on himself and I was never married to the father. I only dated him for awhile.

The bio-Mother, child and I all got along so great that she started jokingly telling people that her and I had a child together even though I didn't come into the picture till the child was 8 years old.

I see no reason for you to put a stop to it because all it does is give your son 1 more person to show him love.

It sounds as though there might be a hint of jealousy from your bf there.

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Is the ex good for him overall?

Submitted by semi on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 5:23pm.

Given the "unofficial" nature of the relationship it is difficult not to spoil a little in his situation. I know, I do it some too. If in general the ex is a good influence, a good person and has the same general message about rules, behavior, life, etc. it seems like a good thing that they still want to spend time together. At the same time I can see how it would be difficult for the current BF to be very excited about this - it's hard enough to establish a relationship with a step-kid without feeling that you're in line behind the last step-parent. Probably very similar to how it feels being behind a bioparent but somehow you'd feel a little more justified in just wanting them OUT OF THE WAY. Maybe set up some special time/activities with just your son and BF to do some guy-stuff bonding?

I am in a similar situation (in your ex's role) and am VERY lucky and very grateful that I still have former step-daughters in my life, and I know it is important to them as well. My ex is pretty much out of the picture (seeing the girls a couple of times a year) but his ex-wife and her husband have been really great. Now we (along with my current BF) actually all spend social time together even without the kids. One evening we ran into friends of theirs and her husband started to introduce us... this is my wife's ex, I mean she was her ex's, oh hell, these are our friends Sue and Joe (names changed to protect the innocent).

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