I posted this on my Myspace Blog but I wanted to put it here too for those who aren't on Myspace.
DH came home very upset tonight and asked if I would talk to him. We went to the bedroom and he said he was sorry that he never ment to hurt me, that things got out of hand. He said the worst thing that could happen did. Life without me. He said he never realized how hard life was knowing when he got home he couldn't talk to me, to hug me. He said he missed the "I love you's" and the other little things I did everyday. He said that he couldn't stand seeing the pain in my eyes everytime he looked at me.
I told him I wanted my husband back, the one I married, not the one that has been living with me since the skids moved in. I told him I missed talking problems out with him. He said we still could and I told him no. Since the girls moved in all we do is yell. That I fill like no one is listening if I don't yell. I told him I didn't want to be scared around him, scared that the next time he hit me it might be the last. He said he never wanted anyone to fear him that he's not that kind of human.
I told him I was tired of walking on egg shells and trying to please his kids to keep him happy. I told him I WON'T do it anymore. That the sweet stepmother is gone and the bitch is here to stay. He said fine that the girls have been minding me better the past three days then they have since the moved in. I told him it's because they are avoiding me because I've been snapping at them alot.
DH says he's willing to go to counciling and asked if I had one picked out. I told him no and he asked if I could find out online because he's never done anything like it at all. He agrees that fighting because of the step kids is a large part of our problem. He realizes that sending them back to their BM's would solve the problems for us but roin their future. That we've got to find a way to all be a family. I told him to quit seeing the girls as "our" kids. That that's not what the kids want and it's only making more problems. That maybe we just need to learn to coexist.
I told DH until we can work the problems out between us, not to expect much from me as far as the skids go. That since they are the problems I'm not going to have much to do with them. I told him that I personaly believe that SD12 is starting alot of our fights on purpose. He agreed. I told him that she been walking around very smug since I said I was going to leave him. I told him that she won't even let me have any privacy. She listens in on all my calls, ease drops on all his and my conversations (she was standing out side the door when I said it) and I wanted it stopped. That I want a cordless phone as soon as we can afford it and for him to come up with a punishment for her easedropping.
DH says he's willing. He agrees we need to talk to the skids but thinks we should wait until after we talk to a councilor. I agree maybe a councilor can set us in the right direction.
I'm staying reserved where he's concerned though. I'll keep my excape plan ready but if he's willing to try with counciling I'll give him another chance.
Hmmm
Well it sounds like you are in a tough spot. I think some men are more physical and not good communicators. BUT I have been scared of guys before and that is not a way I can live. You will have to decide what you can take, but do not forget!! what he is capable of!!!
One guy slapped me in the face and I felt like I could never be with him after that. He cried and went to counseling, etc. (I refused). We had been off and on for a long time and he couldn't believe it was over but every time I looked at him after that I just thought, who the (*&#^$ do you think you are to treat me like that-!!! and I lost all feeling for him, except for wanting someone to beat the crap out of him.
It is up to you and I know it is sad but really, really think about what you can accept, as I know you will. We are here for you, please keep us posted!!!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I wouldn't even give him a
I wouldn't even give him a second thought if he hadn't been the kindest, gentlest man for five years. We only ever had one fight in all that time.
His violence didn't start until the skids arrived. Then it was multiplied by me having to quit my job to watch them, losing insurance so he had to he quit taking his high blood pressure medicine, my medical problems and depression, an extreme lack of money, and the problems with the skids.
He knows this is it. This is a last attempt to save want we once had. It's this or nothing. At least he's willing to try. He refused to go to counciling when he was married to BM.
~Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns~
I would still keep my
guard up and my plan in place!
You are not going to want to hear this
But honey he is the poster child for an abuser. Beat the hell out of you and then turn around and start the honeymoon stage all over again. I know because my ex Fiance verbally abused me. I kept living for the good times I used to have with him. Well as he got worse with the abuse the honeymoon period started going away. After a while I lived in hell all the time.
If he was so sorry why did he continue to mistreat you even after he hit you and blamed YOU? I am sorry I just don't trust that he has seen the evil of his ways and is going to conform. He needs an anger management class.
Honestly I think he thought about dealing with skids alone and is at what I call "The OH Shit Stage she is leaving me!"
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
I agree 110%. This is the
I agree 110%. This is the classic cycle of abuse. He definitely needs an anger management class!!! I've yet to see an abuser "abuse" only once. It is about control and power over the other person!
I agree..
My ex BF from age 16-19 started out with verbal abuse. Little put down here and there of me, or my family, or my interests and friends.
Then they got more mean, putting down my looks, or weight, comparing me to other women.
Then he started throwing things my direction when he got mad, not at me necessarily, just mad.
Then he pushed me during a fight..
Then threw something AT me during a fight...
Then the first slap, knock down drag out fight.
His apology tactic varied, depending on the severity of the physical abuse, the cause of the fight.
If it was over something he felt I was keeping from him, then I was to blame.
If it was over him totally disrespecting me as a person, then I shouldn't have done whatever I did to piss him off, or ignore him, or defend myself.
There were flowers, cards, chocolate, tears, I'm sorrys.
His mother was an alcoholic, and he self medicated whatever ailed him as well. But he wasn't always high or drunk when he attacked. It was as if something in him altered, a switch flipped, and I didn't know who he had become.
He was quite charming 90 percent of the time.
But that other 10 percent was nuts.
I thank God I had the sense not to marry him.
This is a cycle. I am pleased that he did say he should go to a counselor.
BUT...it is his demon to sort out.
I still really feel like you should leave, and you two can go to counseling while living apart for your safety.
This fight was an abusive one. Not just a "I got so mad I slapped you, then felt remorse instantly because I don't know what came over me" one.
He beat you. Then continued to beat while blaming you for defending yourself.
Dreamer...go to a therapist ALONE. Go with him too if you wish, but go ALONE as well. You need someone qualified to help you see the depth of your dysfunctional relationship.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
abuser central
oh he's being so sweet...and so nice!!
Don't fall for it. It's all part of the cycle of abuse I talked about earlier when you posted.......it's all part of the game....to keep you in the loop....he might even be truthful when he is apologetic & cooperative - but he will DO IT AGAIN and AGAIN..and again.
Get out - now.
~ Remember it's your life too ~
Your not gonna want to hear me either....
We all have our share of problems with our relationships - lord knows mine is a mess right now but I will tell you one thing I WILL NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME! I will tell you why. I was engaged to the nicest sweetest man on the planet - we were together for 3 years and he was wonderful to my son. Well when he got hurt at work and was out on disability and we couldn't afford to keep his car and medical payments went up and I wasn't getting enough hours to work and pay for everything - it went downhill quick. I tried my best for mths and one day we got in to an argument and out of the blue he picked me up by my throat and lifted me off the ground (he was 6ft 2in - Im 5ft 3in) and started shaking me I was scared to death that he was going to kill me just looking at the anger he had in his eyes. He, like your husband turned it around that it was all MY FAULT for everything (this while I got a 2nd job and was paying most of the bills to keep a roof over our heads). He then approached me a little later and cried and apologized and said how sorry he was he doesn't what came over him, he had never done anything like this before blah blah blah would I please forgive him he would never do it again. So what did my dumb 25yr old ass do? I forgave him! For awhile I was still pretty jumpy and things seemed to go back to normal for a few mths. I can't even remember what started the second fight I think I was late bringing home his dinner or something because I was stuck in traffic and we got in to a huge fight and he slapped me across the face, grabbed me by my throat, shook me, and threw me in to the wall of our apartment and knocked me unconscious - all in front of my then 5 year old. When I woke up I had bruises around me neck, bruises forming on my back - and guess what else I had? Him crying saying the same ole thing. I had him outta there in 3 seconds flat and never spoke to him again. Now I am in no way telling you what to think, believe, feel because you know what is best for you but after reading your post I felt compelled to reply and share what I have gone through. The man I thought was the greatest guy in the world and was with for almost 4 years broke under pressure and I paid for it. I in no way shape or form consider myself a victim but as I stated above no man will ever lay his hands on my again. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your situation and I will keep you in my prayers. Most importantly take care of YOU.
I have to agree...
I know you don't want to hear this, but for us that have been there before...this honestly is the honeymoon stage. I left my ex who I loved dearly (when he was not abusing) because I feared that he would kill me eventually.
He went for counselling, we went for counselling, he went to anger management, he went to spousal abuse classes....you name it, he did it....BUT, not until he felt he was going to lose me each time.
When my ex was trying, you could not have asked for a better person, but his anger was a problem and something he COULD NOT keep under control no matter what. He used to be my best friend. It was terribly difficult to finally leave him, took numerous times of me leaving, coming back because he was changing, leaving again, coming back...it went on and on until I realized that the abuse levels just got worse with each time.
So I finally left that man...the good man with the split personality...the one that I loved...because the evil in him would never leave permanently and it was too dangerous. I left my best friend and my childrens' father all because I finally learned that my life WAS important and the lives of our children would be affected on a regular basis if I stayed, not something I wished for them to grow up to accept as normal behavior and continue on the cycle of abuse.
My ex will still call the odd time to speak to me. He still tells me he loves me and it has been yrs & yrs since we have been together. It still pulls at the ole heart strings I tell ya, but I had to learn to be strong & remain strong, just as you will one day my friend.
Hang in there, have a safety plan in place and keep safe. We are all thinking of you.
Hugs!!
unfortunately, domestic violence seems to be another
Topic we seem to have first hand knowledge abounding in our group.
There have been so many things I am reading here, that take me back-
"He went for counselling, we went for counselling, he went to anger management, he went to spousal abuse classes....you name it, he did it....BUT, not until he felt he was going to lose me each time."
Mine never went to counseling, but they do tend to "turn over a new leaf" after blowing up, right when they think they're going to lose you.
Also,
"When my ex was trying, you could not have asked for a better person, but his anger was a problem and something he COULD NOT keep under control no matter what. He used to be my best friend."
This haunts me. When I finally did get out, it was because he cheated on me with a really sleezy girl he met in a bar WHILE I was there (then told me he could get a ride from one of his teammates so I could leave since I had to get up early- guess who the "ride" came from that night!) I had broken up with him a month or so before, and we had just gotten back together (this is a domestic violence pattern for many of us too.)
I still thought he was a good friend, I still talked to him, we met out for a drink occasionally (without the new slutty GF knowing of course, or whenever THEY (mutually abusive from what I understand) broke up. Then the GF got pregnant and they planned to marry.
I still thought of him as a friend. Then one day his sister told me that they were naming their daughter the name I had picked out for my own daughter one day.
It was a the final slap in my face, and shook me into reality. I knew why he did it, it was a message to me that he wished it was mine. I knew he regretted letting me go, because he had such a control over me, that he didn't with her because she was a brawler too.
It was sick. And so was he.
Years later I ran into his sister again. He was not paying CS, or seeing his kid, and blaming his then exGF. AND interestingly his exGF wanted to change her daughter's name. Something about never liking it to begin with.
Wonder why?
Dreamer, I know deep down you love him. He may love you as well. But this is not healthy.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I promise I'm not letting my guard down
I'm going in to this with my eyes open. I've went through the honeymoon twice so far. He and I talked and we know what alot of our problems are, what my problems are, and what his problems are. I'm not innocent in this either. I slapped him. Plus I've been struggling with depression for two months now. (I was classified as Manic Depressive as a teen and I've had problems with it ever since)
I don't feel lovely dovey with him right now like the other times. I not going out of my way to please him. I watch the skids like a hawk to see if they get him upset and I'm watching him too. To be honest I'm really avoiding the skids. The problems they cause are 10 fold to the problems with DH. He knows this too. He let them hold the power for all our happiness in this fear they won't love him and will want to go back to BM. I told him last night fine let them go but don't ask me to put myself in danger caring for them. All I get is verbally abused by them and in turn verbally and physically abused by him.
I ready to run if needed. My bag is packed and will remain so for a long time. At this point I'm not sure this is even going to work but I'm willing to give counciling a try.
Right now we are more like two roomates than husband and wife. I don't trust him and he knows. I've let him hug me twice but that's even taking effort on my part. I don't feel the faulse intamacy that I have in the past.
I've always believed anything worth having is worth fighting for. Going to counciling is my last fight. Hopefully it will work but if it doesn't then at least I'll know I tried and I gave it the effort. That I can walk away with my head held high. He also knows this is what going to have to be done to keeps his kids too, b/c so help me if he hurts me again I'll make sure BM has everything she has ever needed to insure that he never lays eyes on his kids again. And I told him this too. I even went to the point to type it up and email it to a couple of people to give to her if something happened to me. As for fearing for my life... I don't. Let face it I was suicidal as a teen, death holds no fear for me. It's sick but true. (most people who have ever been suicidal all say the same thing)
DH is getting the kids into counciling too. He now sees that SD12 is setting him and I up for most of the fights and he sees the pride she is taking in us not getting along. (and that's sick) I also was able to tell him some of the other little sick things that kid has done that he wouldn't believe before. She acually brags about breaking up her mother's relationships, how she said "she" chooses who is aloud in her mother's life and how she "allowed" her mother to marry her current husband. Then DH piped in that he knew she never wanted me for a stepmother. That she's shown anger and resentment for years that her father didn't ask her if it was ok to marry me.
BM's current husband and I had a little quiet talk at the court house the other day to. It seems all the crap the skids are causing for DH and I she tried with BM and H. That if he didn't give in then she would make everyones life hell and he's the one that said SD12 had to go and SD11 too b/c she was following in her sisters footsteps. SD12 acually told him she would see him dead or divorced.
I know not all the problems lay with the skids but a BIG chunk does. I don't know if DH see it yet but he and his kids are going to need counciling together too.
~Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns~
Me too
My 2nd hubby would pull me around by the hair, shove my face into the wall, slam me to the kitchen floor, give me karate chops to the head. Then he'd be nice and apologetic afterwards. He eventually died of alcoholism at a fairly young age. I did manage to get away from him, but it was not fair to the children seeing this. My adult children still carry this with them.
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