Step Talk

This is true of Borderline too. Most people who develop BPD have been abused, and end up using many unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with it. It's called splitting, and results in the black and white thinking I've mentioned several times. It's so common in borderlines, that many psychologists mistakenly will not diagnose a patient with BPD unless they were abused.

There are several coping mechanisms that our SD's have in common, no matter what the eventual diagnosis is. Splitting is one, transference, projection (throwing their pain in your direction, making it YOUR pain, so you will feel it for them, pushing you away (hard)and your potential love for them out of fear of abandonment.

These are all ways they have coped with the neglect or abuse in the past.

One of the best things about that Stop Walking On Eggshells Book, was I was able to develop a greater understanding of what the psychologist was telling me (much the same conversation you had with this one.)

That the things that were most disturbing to me regarding SD's behavior, the "I pushed you and you walked, so you prove me right that I'm not worthy of love, that everyone leaves me" and "if I hate me then you hate me, so let's just say YOU hate me, because then it's your fault" sort of spins that they do are how they have coped their whole life long. So when we, the well intentioned who love them, show our love, they go back and forth between that split of "YOU are the MOST AMAZING MOM/PERSON/WOMAN in the WHOLE WORLD!!!!!" To "I am in misery and pain and can't take it so it's YOUR fault because you are still here to take it!"

And we say to them, "Oh Hon...I'm here and I love you unconditionally, you can relax now."

And that sounds good and rational, but I think one of the most epiphany like parts I read in the book was...

As rational as it all is to us...it is only that way to US and cannot easily become rational to this person we are trying to help. Because we are asking them to trust us, and go against all the coping mechanisms they have relied on since they were born.

My SD's Dr constantly brings up the first couple of years of SD's life.

DH was in the field a lot. He worked a lot. And then, when SD was only 1 and a half, he went to Korea for a year and a half. He came back home when SD was 3. She spent all that time...such an important milestone filled time...with a BPD BM, who doesn't like to be touched, who is paranoid, who is a splitter/black/white thinker too, who rages out of control with anger, who spends days in her bedroom, including eating in there alone...

God only knows what SD went through.

So the Dr feels that though DH was never gone for that long of a time at once again, that was likely when a TON of damage was done to SD's development, especially for how to relate to her parents/parental figures.

Oh GC...I am getting the same anger thrown at me that should rightly be tossed BM's way. And I too go through periods where I think, "I can do this, ONLY I can do this, I was meant to do this, to get SD through to adulthood in one piece, and help her mature past all this craziness so she doesn't have to repeat BM's life."

Then...there are other days...like today...

When I think,

"Why does it have to be me who does this?"

I am so glad you seem to have found a good therapist. And I am praying that idiot judge is thrown off the bench.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

how much we have in common. I appreciate all the support I get here, but soetimes still feel alone because the case with MAdison is so extreme and extraordinary. Thanks fo rbringing to light that you are having the exact same things happening.

I am going to go tomorrow and see if I can find that book. Thanks so much!

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head." ...Martin Mull

Though I have at times wondered about sexual abuse regarding SD (especially in light of her diagnosis of emerging PD and bed wetting every night until last year, along with some other possible symptoms (like her not respecting my comfort level with physical intimacy and hanging on me, kissing me ten times before bed at age 11, etc)

I think your situation is so much worse.

At least for me, SD is somewhat old enough to fend for herself, to defend herself, to decide for herself if something happened and she wanted to do something about it.

And we have full custody, BM is very uninvolved but does see her, and BM's family are ok people.

I saw what you're dealing with. Scary.

My SD's BM is at least highly functional in academic and employment situations. She has switched jobs several times (once after a paranoid phone call to DH asking his advice when your subordinates intentionally hide patient files to get you fired.) BUT she's not taking drugs or selling herself or going to jail anytime in the foreseeable future.

You my friend, have your hands full, and are much younger than me, handling it better than I could ten years ago.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I cheered when you said that no matter what you weren't going to back down - that you would always be there for sd!

You are AWESOME for that!

when someone is able to light a bulb in your head and you feel that sense of "OOOOOOHHHHHHH....."

I love your fire and determination. Dealing with the hand your dealt and making the best of it is all we can do some days.

I think your daughter's biomom is fighting you and DH just because it's all she knows how to do. She'll give up way before you ever will because that's what she is....a quitter.

I'm happy for you.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

"lightbulb moment". I have had several therapists tell us that both my SD's have attachment disorders. Though I dont know where that comes from, I dont believe they were neglected as babies, DH took good care of them.
I hope this new therapist helps you deal with it as she gets older. The last time you posted, I kinda wondered about the attachment thing, but didn't want to freak you out anymore than you already were.