SD is back, and running up and down the stairs- boom boom boom boom boom!
Asking me all day
Can I go to the movies with my friend and her grandma?
Can I go to her house after the movies?
Can I go for a walk with her?
Can I go on a bike ride with my friends?
Every time she walks through the house- slam! Laugh hysterically at nothing, giggle- slam! Teenage girls, the very ones who lied to my face about TPing my house, in and out of my house all day.
And the little teenage boys hanging around hiding behind my van.
"Are those boys going to your friend's too?"
OHHHHHH NOOOOOO! Of course not!
This is the friend who's mom I'm about finished with because she wouldn't believe me about her daughter partaking in TPing my house, the mom who I told about the sexual offender/SF of the friend in the next allotment, who swore she wouldn't tell a sole I told her to check out the list and then her daughter walked up to SD the next day saying, "Your SM told my mom about all the sexual offenders in the neighborhood."
This mom, who tells me that kids should be free to be who they are, and how the mom has this need to be connected and friends with her 13 year old, how she and her daughter are so amazingly close that she can confide in her about things, even things she promised me she wouldn't share.
So you think this super hip I want to be my 13 year old's BFF is not going to let boys hang out unsupervised?
SD's BF will be sniffing around our driveway again now. I have enjoyed the past 5 weeks without his shaggy haired, BMX riding, calling obsessively little self. I had hoped beyond hope in the teenage short attention span that he would have fallen for 4 other girls since not seeing SD in 5 weeks.
But no. Not according to his myspace page "I need/love" SD.
I was hoping beyond hope that SD would be worn out and rest a little when she got home. Apparently she got to do that at her grandmas and grandpas last week, and is now hyper giddy to be back, after 5 weeks of no one telling her to calm down. DH said he noticed at my MIL's over the weekend that she was even higher energy than when she left. But...
Here's the rub. My SIL just absolutely LOVED being around her. My SIL, who I love dearly, is beautiful, girly, into the mall and playing dressup, who bought her several pairs of ridiculously large hoop earrings that we have specifically told her no to in the past (SIL believed SD on a few purchases that SIL said, "Are you sure they would let you wear this?" And SD said, "OH YEAH!" of course.
SIL and BIL, who never had to be around her around her friends, the gang...or pack as I like to call them, of 5-10 13 yr old girls -depending on who they're being nice to that week, day, minute) and 5 or so 13 yr old boys-who are more like vultures than pack animals, the way they circle around the allotment on their BMX bikes, long hair, slumped over shoulders...
This is the biggest culture clash for me. I am low key, relaxed, calm...
And I live with this Warner Bros cartoon Tasmanian devil force of energy.
I grew up in theatre. I had some wild attention seeking friends. We hung out, but it was always AT THE THEATRE. Then we went home, maybe one or two of us got together. I would have one friend spend the night, rarely two. By 13-14 I didn't go to sleepovers anymore. There's probably a good reason that those fade out then, as in packs the individual members get more brave, and attempt more inappropriate things. As the woman from the juvenile justice dept said in my class the other day, "Nothing good happens after curfew" and "sleepovers are NOT for teenagers." She sees some stuff in juvenile court to base this on.
I know I know...what an old grumpy woman I turned out to be. Not going to get mom of the year. I'm just thinking....somehow I wonder if SD would be better off living with SIL and BIL- highly energized, very structured, scheduled people with lots of extra cash.
Very down. Wondering, is it just me? Am I the wrong SM for SD?
so much for not blogging til tomorrow!
u are not the wrong SM for SD...listen, theres only os much u can do and u cant change who u are. u two just seem to mix like oil and water. but thats okay. maybe u can use it to feed off each other and u can mellow her out a bit and she can energize u a bit? maybe shes just excited to be home and seeing her friends again. give it a few days and maybe she will calm down.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
No... I meant on my REAL life blog...
You know, the sugar coated, personal essays that will one day end up in a collection of Anna Quindlen like proportion.
THAT one is waiting until tomorrow. I didn't honestly think I would be back on here tonight.
But then we spent a few hours with SD, she tickles Anna til she screams a shrill high pitched, "this isn't funny anymore" scream. She holds onto her too tight and forces her to give her a kiss and Anna, who was excited to see SD after 5 weeks apart, is instantly surly toward her...
Hmmm... just like I was by the end of the evening. I think Anna and I are two peas in a pod, who like to have fun and all, but get over stimulated and grumpy around manic energy.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
PS...
I used to have this dream...
"...maybe u can use it to feed off each other and u can mellow her out a bit and she can energize u a bit?"
I so wish that was the case.
BUT...unfortunately, what happens is I try to come up closer to her energy level and plan some nice structured outings.
Then she gets even more excited and more hyper (like anyone would but MORE SO - See this explained in another response below)
Then I get more and more drained, exhausted...irritable, less tolerant.
She becomes more needy, more hyper, more irritated at my not doing enough for her.
I start to pull back, feeling like nothing will satisfy her neediness (or fill the BPD void- cause nothing CAN.)
She starts to get aggressive toward me, starts baiting arguments, starts antagonizing me, criticizing me...
And the dance continues.
Oh- what was that CG or Kathleen and I talked about before? I think it was one of them (Help me out if you recognize this conversation.)
Living with someone with BPD makes you feel like a vampire is sucking the lifesblood from your body.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
It is you! (in a good way)
You are so funny. Here's my quick take - you are TOO good of a stepmom for SD. SIL/BIL are exactly what they are supposed to be - the "cool" aunt and uncle who sometimes break the rules like buying the hoop earrings. You are so the MOM. You care like only a real mom would. Most STEPmoms wouldn't care if their 13 year old stepdaughters went to a sleepover because it'd be a break for them. Sita, you are a stepMOM and care for her like I care for my BD15.
You are worried about SD13 and what all the girls and boys are up to because you know, you've been there, and you remember. You care like only a real mother would because deep down you want only what's best for her and she knows it!!!
Sorry your break is over
You are a great person, don't lose sight of all you do and the special qualities you have 
Oh SM C....
No one has ever said anything so amazingly sweet to me.
I am a stepMOM.
I like that.
THANK YOU.
You know how many times I think, "I am not going to CARE what she does or who she does it with! I am releasing control to the parents that be!!!!!
Then, she walks down with her shorts, with the waist band flipped up three times to make them as short as she can to show off her 13 yr old arse, a skimpy way too tight tank top with spaghetti straps, and no bra...
and I say...
"No ma'am. You are not going out like that. No you don't!"
Because if I don't.... who will be here to do it?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Well, your SD was out of her
Well, your SD was out of her environment when she was with the SIL and BIL. If you add in a bunch of other teenage girls and guys, it would most likely change. They were on a honeymoon and enamored with each other. It's NOT you.
As far as that mother and her 13 year old daughter...she should definitely not be confiding in things with her daughter like that. That's not appropriate. You can't be your child's BFF.
Thanks....
I know I know...rationally I do know.
But man...sometimes I think maybe if I could be the mom she needs me to be. I really thought I had come to an epiphany about that while she was gone.
But then, the minute she's back she picks up right where she left off. No wait- that's not true because she was actually showing some improvement before she left.
But 5 weeks of Disney, shopping, ocean, swimming, eating, playing, and more of all the above...
And she is now wired to be entertained again
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Typical teenager
Her behavior is nothing more than the usual teenager. You have structure like usual parents do. BIL and SIL spoiled her and enjoyed her just like usual aunt and uncle will do! Relax my dear, and you do deserve mother of the year award and you are the best mom for her!
I think that we all will go through it whether they are bio or Skids. My parents did it with me and they did it with theirs. You are not a grumpy woman, you are a mom who loves her kids and wants them to have boundaries.
"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head." ...Martin Mull
It's tough because...
I think for someone else not having to endure her constant level of questions, food cravings, hyperactivity, attention seeking, manipulation of ever little element in our lives... that SIL found her lively and fun, and that energy enjoyable. A honeymoon you say? Yes... THAT's it.
I remember my own honeymoon with my SD. I went to a wedding with DH early on in our dating, for his NJ cousin. That weekend, DH was getting so irritated with SD over the littlest things (to me.) I just didn't get it. What was that annoying about her sarcastic remarks about his driving in front of his relatives, her hanging on me, his parents, his brother endlessly, her angry outbursts and pouting when she was tired or hungry. I mean isn't that typical of a 9 year old?
I remember hearing her grandpa as well, at one point say, "HANG OFF." To her irritatedly. Her uncle said it too at one point. And it was something DH said to her often, sometimes on my behalf. It struck me as sad... couldn't they all see she just wanted to feel love and intimacy in a safe way? I loved the fact that she hugged me and seemed to love and accept me so freely... every possible future SM's dream, yes?
Ummmm....fast forward to a year or so later, as SD hugs and kisses me goodnight 12 times in 3 minutes. EVERY NIGHT. Sometimes she comes back down after going to bed to say the ritual again. How she says, "Hi." To you about 15 times a day, sometimes, 3 or more times within a few minutes of the last time (her teacher last year mentioned this one to me, that it struck her odd that she had to tell SD to just tell her hi in the morning and bye in the afternoon.) How she admittedly will tell you, "I just talk to hear myself," when she's stated the obvious to you for the tenth time in five minutes. How she purposely trips, screams like her toe was amputated, and if you didn't seem to hear that, she will actually do it AGAIN to get you to show the appropriate level of sympathy. Every other time she will laugh at herself, for the sake of laughing at herself, once again hoping that you will find whatever it is she seems to be laughing about hilarious too. And if you ask what she's laughing about, she will say "I don't know" with a helpless shrug, then laugh harder- wink wink- nod nod- say no more????" (That's for any Monty Python Fans out there that still exist.)
The inside joke is so deep inside it never was even remotely funny.
Simply attention seeking.
THEN I was starting to understand that you react to the obnoxious attention seeking behavior ever so much more quickly, when you are around it constantly for more than a month.
So... rationally, I understand that SIL just got a glimpse of what it felt like to have SD love, adore, admire, idol worship, and vy for your attention as if no one else mattered on the planet...for five straight weeks.
We had that too once upon a time. Only when it was me, I thought SD was just desperate to impress me. It wasn't til last year when her emerging PD was diagnosed and I stared researching it that I truly understood that what goes up (idolized) much come down (Demonized).
I guess what's so hard with things that are usually "typical teen behaviors" is that yes they are... even more so.
Meaning there's a quote from the book I really like. I feel it sums up this BPD thing completely.
"BPDs are just like everyone else- that is they have all the same emotions, fears, pain, relational issues, that everyone else has...
ONLY MORE SO."
So...I guess I could agree with you that SD's behavior is often the same as other teens...
ONLY MORE SO... Like a SUPERPOWER LEVEL HORMONAL TEEN ANGST ON STEROIDS....
Hmmmm...And still to that I would add...
ONLY MORE SO.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Embrace & celebrate SIL's and BIL's new-found love for SD
Suggest that they might really enjoy having SD to stay at their house for the next set of school holidays...and the ones after that...and the ones after that...
Oh they already have invited her to join them for
Vacations and the like. I think it's great I really do. I just think sometimes that maybe if DH had married someone more like my SIL, then SD could be happier.
I guess rationally I have to remind myself that SD has a PD, and with that she molds her personality to the person she most admires at that time. Sometimes it's BM, sometimes it's me, and for the past five weeks it was an energetic, lively, vivacious, ex-cheerleader from TX.
When I first met DH SD melted into and my earth momness. She still had issues, but for a year or so she was a mini zen in many ways. That honeymoon ended once we got custody, and she pushed me away hard, including deciding now that I shared her full time with DH, I was a safe person to rage at.
Oh yeah...and she turned THIRTEEN about then too.
Oy.
I will take the break whenever BIL/SIL want to spoil her. It just is hard knowing that she will take even more unwinding when she gets home.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
As much as you have researched her issues,
have you never come across resources and information that will help YOU to cope with her better? So that you don't get sucked into the inevitable dance that is so repetitive that you are able to painstakingly enumerate all the steps and moves in great detail? Seems like there should be something like Al-Anon for family members of people with personality disorders. You need support and insight from those who have been there, done that. And dispassionate assessment from disinterested third parties.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
Only online and through the book so far
I went to classes the last two Saturdays through our local NAMI for parents of mentally ill teens. But it was an overwhelming amount of material, and was mostly focused on IEP (individual education plans) for kids who's disability affects their school work. Although they stressed that your public school education is to also cover your social development/readiness for the grown up world. BUT...with SD's vague diagnosis, that won't be confirmed til she is eighteen, we won't be pursuing those things. That is, unless she starts getting into even more social trouble than she did last year (starting a false rumor about a teacher was pretty serious in my opinion.)
There is a parent support group through them as well. I will go next month (every 3rd Thur) and see if there are other borderline teen's parents there.
This diagnosis in teens is just now starting to be accepted, due to hesitation in the psychological community to "label" a teen for life on something that many in the field think they have the potential to outgrow.
The mindset is changing though. Someone like SD with an obvious BPD parent, who spent the majority of her formative years learning how to relate to the world around her with that parent only, means she likely will not easily part with these coping mechanisms, and also has a high likelihood of having a biological component as well.
I'm working on some real life support.
I have looked for online parent groups, but the ones I found to try for free are no where near as well designed as Dawn's is here. So they are hard to follow, posts seem really old, etc.
I may have to meet Dawn one day and pick her brain for how she set up this one and do it for my fellow parents of BPD kids.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Do you think she is on her high?
My SD always does this too. It is part of the high w/bipolar....
BPDs do have highs and lows, but they're different from BPs
SD's highs/lows are part of the splitting behaviors, and part of BPD's tendency to binge eat carbs to cope. SD also is like a sponge to the energy of everyone around her. On one hand if she's in a high energy group of people she will continue to feed off that higher and higher to what does seem a manic level. This is true especially of her peers, but also with my small nieces and nephews. SD has to be told to calm down constantly at family gatherings and stuff like that.
Then she will instantly crash when corrected, could go into a rage verbally, or get right in your face challenging your right to voice an opinion.
ON the other hand.... from all I've read, BPD and BP in teens manifest so similarly, that one is often diagnosed (usually BP because it's more acceptable) and later is changed to or added to BPD.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
What is it with the hoop earrings?
The bigger the better I say...
Do we have to go there AGAIN MamaSita?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
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