I'm engaged to a wonderful man, whom we can just call the dh. He has an ex-wife (ew)who just won't let go. She is just so much in our lives I don't know how much more I can take.
I live in the house they shared, but she didn't want. I still have my own condo though because I'm not fully ready to move into that kinda deal.
The thing is, she comes over there to walk the dog and feed her. They bought the dog to help the kids during the divorce. But she can't have the dog where she lives because the guy she was having an affair with and with whom she is now living, won't let her have dogs in his house. Anyway, she's always coming over, barging right into our house and barking (LOL) orders at my dh and going into our pantry getting stuff for the dog or the kids. She's very disruptive.
As if that isn't bad enough, she's still the beneficiary of dh's insurances. I said that I didn't think it was appropriate and that he should leave it all to his kids but name a trusted family member (i.e. sister, mom, etc) as executor. Guess who it's left to? That's right, it's still the EW. He thinks she wouldn't squander the money...she's an adulterer not a spendthrift according to him.
Again, anyway, this woman is just too much in our lives and I'm seriously having my doubts about being able to cope much longer.
We're getting rid of the dog...I have several people at work, and he has a friend or two, who have said they would love to take her. The problem is, after we agreed to find her a suitable home, my dh tells me he talked to EW and she's all up in arms...so she's going to see about getting a home for the dog...whenever that's going to be. I asked him and he didn't give her a strict time table...a week, a month, who knows how long this will take... I'm freaking out. We had things handled until he went to her and again gave her control over our lives. I feel disrespected.
I feel sometimes like he loves her more, although I know it's not true. I just don't get why he always coddles her and I get held to a higher standard. He says he didn't want to be married to her any longer and all the usual jazz that goes along with that...including telling me how much he loves me...and I get it and feel it. The problem is that its like he says all that and I can feel that he truly means it, but I can't comprehend why he still allows her to have so much control over our lives!!!
He is definitely the far, far better parent. If he wanted sole custody he could get it. But he tries to play fair with her. Honestly, I truly love and respect him for all he tries to do. I just don't know when he will say 'enough' and stop allowing her to control everything. I get that he's caught between a rock and a hard place...and that he's trying to please everyone. I guess I just wonder why it is that it seems like if anyone's going to be not-pleased, it's me... (ok, grammatically bad, but you get what I'm saying)
Does anyone have any thoughts or experienced something similar? I would really like to know that this isn't just my problem...
Hi again.... I wrote on your
Hi again.... I wrote on your other post because I didnt see this one. Boy, Im with you as far as keeping my own place until things get worked out. Sounds like dh has to clean up some things so he dosnt bring the drama into your life. That woman should not be in his house. And she should not be on his life insurance. I dont think you have to be nice about this. If he wants a relationship with you, it needs to be free of her. I would remove myself from the situation for at least a week to see how he feels about my absence. I would make him work alittle harder to please me if I were you. This is the time to set the standards. Its your future.
I sooo agree with you!
Hi catalina I agree with what you're saying. The problem I have is that when I do distance myself, he whines, and really tries to manipulate me like a little kid, into coming back and spending more time. I really do truly love him, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.
I am trying to spend more time at my place, but we have functions to attend together...so I go to them..and of course he wants me to then stay over. I've stayed sometimes and not others.
I think you're right though...I need to see less of him and make him work harder.
He said that things with the EW are better somewhat...she doesn't barge in as much, etc. But, he doesn't get that it's NOT ENOUGH...and it's not coming fast enough. I can't see why she should have an unlimited timetable for learning to knock and waiting for us to invite her in. I'd like him to move this along faster, but I'll just have to wait... Patience is a virtue I guess.
ok, listen up girl..........
As much as you love him - DO. NOT. MOVE. IN. NOR . MARRY him yet...here is why:
I was single as you/ for 17yrs raised my son alone. met my man, dated 1 yr, and then married..we've been married 1 yr.
I did not do my homework and now am screwed:
They did not settle property yet. She is co-owner on THIER home. And i have no rights to it. Lawyer says that unless he will's it to me i have no rights to the home.............
*however my lovely hubby needs my income to refinance the home to be able to pay her off her share of the house. * i refuse to refinance on a mortgage and my name not be on the title.
The issues are one after another....make sure he has cut her off of all things before you move further with him, trust me.
You have the power to push him to handle all of these loose ends NOW- but once you marry, you are at the courts mercy to help them figure it all out and YOU are stuck in the middle...
I wish to God that someone had asked me Before hand if he had settled with her...but i didn't know better....i'm 37 but i didnt' know all this junk , i just assumed it was all done becuz they divorced ......
HOwever guess what I've now known him for 2 yrs, and nothing has changed. We still are fighting over the same issue.....her name on the house.
It wont go away, and he wont rush......becuz he has me now.
Needless to say, if it continues for much longer, he wont, Im walking.
Take care hunny- keep the ball in your court.....keep your place until he handles his junk.
Trust me.
What doesn't kill you will make you stronger;..hold please- I'm going cancel my gym membership........
THAT's NUTS
Why does your fiance allow it?
OMG. I would put my foot down. The locks need changed. My DH did that as soon as I moved in. BM kept his garage door opener for a while and would let herself in before their divorce was final. He told her if he didn't get his garage door opener back before the court date he wasn't signing the papers! He also had to threaten her with dumping all their debt (most caused by her shopping addiction) back onto her, because she was still using their joint accounts at places like home depot. I saw a letter she wrote back, all wounded, like, "I can't believe it's come to this...I will stop using our account, I thought you'd want me to have the stuff I need for the house I'm renting..."
Whatever.
She left him as well. But from all I have come to know about her mental issues, I am pretty sure she left thinking it would provoke him to "fight for their marriage" she alluded to that a few times, and is now still seeing an exfiance, and a BF who used to be deployed so she could juggle them both easily. They are both caught up in "fighting" for her. She's a flippin' drama junkie.
Anyway...your FH needs to change the locks and tell her to leave HIS dog alone.
I say, you two need to buy your own place. I wish we could have done that, but my sons really love this neighborhood and their best buddy (who is friends with both of them) lives across the street.
It would be traumatic for my sons to have to move again I think. Having two households, they have moved from their each of their long time "homes" in the past couple years already, when I moved in here, and sold the house we lived in for 10 years, and then the next year their dad and SM moved up the street (not in the allotment, but on a main road) two summers ago.
But if your FHs kids haven't had to move yet, then GET THEE TO A NEW MUTUALLY YOURS home!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
awesome advice
i agree about the garage door...we need to change the codes...it's more an act of defiance really because the kids will have the codes and can let her in if she comes over with them. But if I'm living there full-time forever, she'd probably not want a confrontation with me.
alot of this is my fault too. she's barged in, stormed in, and I sat there not doing anything. i expected my dh to handle it since it is technically his home...although he says it's ours, it feels like his.
I agree now about moving to a new house. It could be the best thing for everyone. we'd still be in the same school district, plus we'd have our own home that isn't tainted. hopefully we'll do this down the road if we're still together by then.
My SD doesn't get a key, and our kids won't have the codes
I live in a upper middle class cul de sac 170 home allotment, which borders a 150 home middle class allotment.
That's roughly 320 homes in a two mile radius, all connected. Our allotment has sidewalks and streetlights, the other no sidewalks, some streetlights.
And about a hundred of those residents (or more)
ARE TEENS.
SD's argument to DH the other night as to why she should be allowed to attend sleepovers, even though the gang of teens she hangs out with are all sneaking out and egging/TPing peoples homes at sleepovers, is that...
her friend's don't just sneak out at sleepovers. They have been sneaking out and meeting up in the middle of the night all summer, because their parents don't bother to turn on their security systems, or the kids no how to disable them because they have the code.
I think-- What? THAT's why we're GETTING one. Why would I give the kids the code, when the whole point is to know if one of my doors is opened in the middle of the night.
SD is dying to have a key too. She doesn't have her own, because she already "lost" one I gave her to use when she went to soccer and I wasn't going to be home when she got back. AND because her mother is crazy and SD doesn't need to have our key at her mom's house. BM won't give her a key there, because she thinks we'll break in with it, so all's fair in love and paranoia I say.
So....
DO the kids need the codes for some reason? I mean, I would plan on only using it when we went to bed, when we leave the house, or left them alone to run errands, or when we go to sleep. So why give kids the codes?
My sons now have a bedroom in the basement. There is an exit directly out of the basement. I want to not only keep them safe from intruders, but from being able to sneak out and get into trouble or hurt. Once again, as with any parental control I choose to exercise, I am just the most ridiculous, uptight, uncool mom in the whole wide world.
YEP. It's my life's ambition.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
what ever you do
DO NOT move in with him or allow him to move in with you! take it from someone who now knows better!
I'm gradually moving up the food chain with BF after 4 years of live in effort! It's been a LONG HAUL; problem is BF is delusional as he thinks has always put me first (what parallel universe is HE living in??!!)
I commented on your other post
I was not aware of all of this other junk. My advice would be to hang onto your place and NOT to move in any time soon. This man has to cut the apron strings. They are divorced and that means that she is NO LONGER #1. He can appoint someone else to see over the insurance money. I would not rush into a marriage. Trust me these issues get much worse before they get better and if you allow it continue it will. He has to resolve all of this crap and draw very clear boundaries or she will continue to barge in whenever she feels that she needs to manipulate the situation.
I have dealt with the "ex on the pedastal" crap. It is very frustrating and confusing.
IMO it sounds like she had an ulterior motive behind the dog. Now she can use the dog as an excuse to try and keep control over his household. I would get rid of it.
Georgie
he's supposedly working on this stuff now
from what he said, he's taking care of it now. i know he has an appointment to see his lawyer next week to make his sister executor of his will. The dog is supposed to have a new home in a week or so.
I agree that he still puts her on a pedestal...not so much in that he loves her and wants to be with her, but hey have a long history and he has needed her these last few years to help raise the kids--even though they're divorced they're still parents.
I also believe she's had ulterior motives for everything she does. He's a wimp and she loves controlling him...and he allows it "for the sake of his kids." Well I think they'd do better (and I told him so) if he was a role model they could respect...the kind of man with a backbone. I think she's really getting pissed that she's losing control over him...he used to be her puppet and now he's not and that is pissing her off. I think too he's mad at me for upsetting their little system they had going...I know he'd be comfortable with me picking up the slack where she's no longer welcome, BUT I have a very unnerving fear that he's angry that I'm taking away the time he gets to spend with her...he's blaming me for not allowing this sick little drama to continue. And I'm kind of wondering if I'm doing the right thing...I mean, why should I try to fix all this stuff for someone who will be resentful towards me (which he seems already) because I think on some level he isn't over her. Case in point, I could care less to be in my exH's life...even if we had children I wouldn't want anything to do with him more than was absolutely necessary and I wouldn't be involved in his household in any way. This case isn't so clear...they don't have very clearly defined boundaries with anyone (at least my dh doesn't) so this may be just more of the same w/o any ulterior motive on his part. I tend to trust him for the most part...her, NO WAY! In fact this conversation brings up something I think I recall from a long time ago when I first was starting to talk to my dh...I think he said something about ew regretting what she'd done and wanting to come "home" but he told her no way and they remained separated and ultimately divorced. That is kind of scary to me...probably unresolved feelings still huh? Plus she always refers to herself by his last name, as though she's clinging to him in some way...but not so much clinging as OWNERSHIP of him. I think he initiated the divorce which is a good sign, but I cant help but think he was punishing her for the affair, but would like to relent and take her back. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I can't help but wonder... If he really loved me he would have fixed all these things w/o me blowing up...and the fact that he's expected me to tolerate them makes me still wonder if this worth saving. You can't go to counseling to make someone love you...
Change locks on house and tell B.M to call before coming over!!
Thats alot of B.S to deal with!
It is hard enough dealing kids and a x wife but then to have her come into a place and act like she is the rooster???
" Hell no".
Hubby there needs to change the locks and get new keys, then he needs to be a man and tell her that he pays the bills there and would appreciate it if she called before coming over because that is what a GUEST does.
They are no longer toghther so its really not her place since she is not living there, the marriage is over and so should the control be.
He has to tell her, he may have to get rude..whatever the way he has to do it to get it through her thick skull " DO IT".
Its not about her feelings or wants or what she thinks is best, that all long gone out the window " Period".
The only thing that concerns her is the kids and that does not give her entitlement to barge in like a hurricane like she can do what the hell she wants.
As for the dog!
It lives in HIS home...you tend to it then you place it, she is not there to make those kind of decisions, its not in her court, besides..she left the dog..so why concern herself now regaurdless if it was for the kids at the time. That was a whole different issue and time when SHE WAS THERE..she is NOT anymore!
Just keep the promise and provide it with a good and loyal home.
So what if she gets mad, its not like its the first time nor will it be her last.
She does not live there and yet she is running that house?
Thats messed up, its not suppose to be that way.
Like I said " CHANGE LOCKS" and for now on he needs to tell her to call before assuming she can just barge in.
She sounds rude and like she has no respect for him or you!
Good luck
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."
you rock!
I wish I could be like you!lol You seem to have a handle on it all. I'm just a big old wuss... What you've said is how I've felt and pretty much the conversations we've had...but it's been like talking to the wall. He does what he wants regardless. So then when I ultimately explode, he acts like it was no big deal to start with and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But by the time I explode, I'm ready to leave and just call it quits...which makes me physically ill. I'm trying so hard to make it work but these things are unacceptable and dealbreakers, and it's like he doesn't see or care...well, he kind of cares cuz he's working on it all, but as he says "not fast enough to suit me"...but hello, he's had like years before I came along to get his sh*t in order.
Ugggg!!!!!! I'm so frustrated!!!
The bottom line for me is this...if I have to tell him not to hurt me, he's not worth telling...so maybe I should call it quits. But at the same time, I don't know that these aren't just normal things that can be adjusted with time. I'm just confused
My question is
How much do you want to deal with ? Don't marry him until everything's worked out and you know about it or you may end up divorced with kids yourself. If you really love him then give him some time and support and encouragement, but don't be a doormat and don't be afraid to tell him how it is. Change the locks first of all. I am SO GLAD i never had anything more then house items with my ex, nothing to fight over, hell we split up the 2 cars and that was that.... the insurance needs to be put into a trust fund for the children if nothing else, with perhaps a certain percentage available to the EW FOR kids, but be wary of that as well. Don't even worry about the dog, you live there it's YOUR dog, at the very least it's DH's dog, and if EW wants it SHE can have it, if she can't then she gets no say so (i had to leave my dog... stinky brat lol). Just remember things may change and they may not, if they're not going to change are you willing to put up with it for the rest of your life ? If the answer is no, then move on =/
Do not move in with this guy
Do not move in with this guy yet!!!! He has not emotionally detatched from this woman and she sounds like she is doing everything possible to keep it that way. Slow things down until the divorce has been finalised. This sounds like a really bad situation to be in the middle of.
Stay well clear of it, you can still date him but please dont move in yet for the sake of your own sanity. If she is letting herself in and treating the place like she still lives there then let her get on with it. He should soon get peed off with it and it should remind him of why they split in the first place.
When he moans about it to you tell him your not interested, its in his power to stop it. He is enabling her to continue with this behaviour and as long as he does it will never stop.
You need to get all this fixed first
Don't do anything as far as marrying this guy or moving in. Keep your place for now.
I would throw a fit if the BM thought she could march in MY house! She doesn't come in unless she's invited. BM has only been in my house twice. The first time was when SD went to prom. BM dropped her by so DH could see her dress and get pics. BM stood in the entry way. I knew she was coming. No biggie. The second time she came in without me expecting it. I told DH when she left she is not to come in without my knowledge. Period. His response - "Yes ma'am". SD recently moved in with DH and I. I made it very clear BM was not to think for one minute because her daughter chose to live there she could come in while DH and I were not there. This will not happen. Your DH needs to stop this now!!
Also, it's not your DH's place to please the BM. He needs to be pleasing you. Remind him of that. If mama ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
you go!
Great advice! I love how you told bm not to come in when you are not home...that is soooo what i need to say to this bitchmonster. I want to stand there and let her know that you are not welcome in MY home...you are a weasely little conniving adulterer but you will not con me. You will not come in my home when I am not there, nor will you come in my home anytime!!! You chose to cheat and leave and give up your family for a bigger house and fatter wallet, so DO NOT think for a second you can come back! You made you filthy little bed so now you can lie in it!!!
Ahhh...I feel so much better venting.lol I just want that opportunity to stare her in the eye and say this house and this man are mine, keep your krinkly old mitts off!
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