Step Talk

You expressed it well.

I am struggling to find a balance as CSP. So BM gets disney time with SD and I do all the parenting. Ugh.

I just had a much needed break....still waiting to actually feel that I missed her, and she's back home tomorrow. Saw her yesterday and she was hyper, giddy, glad to be home, but that manic energy poured right back into the house.

I am going to figure out a schedule to do with her, like she does chores from 10-11, then she can have friends over or whatever til 1 or 2, then we will go for a walk, then put Anna down for her nap and play a game or something with SD. I am such an unstructured person, that having her back and her neediness for direction and structure has me stressing.

The hardest part of the break was 5 weeks of seeing how normal, calm and wonderfully dull our life is with just DH, me, Anna, and my sons EO week. No SD/BM spinning out of control drama.

I think sometimes our feeling left out of them really caring about us, is really our mourning "normalcy."

I know I do.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

None of the kids want to play with you and, while you are in the same room with them all day long, you are still on the outside.

How old are your skids?

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

if u are, im guessing that will help tremendously not only bc you'll have a baby but it will help strengthen ur relationship w the skids too.

how does DH not understand? even though u care for them and are all a family, u are not their parent and so will never be treated as such. and until u have a baby that blood bond wont be there. ask him how he would feel if u had kids? doesnt that put it in perspective?

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Gosh, you both sorta nailed it! Yes, Sita Tara, I DO mourn normalcy. I never had this fantasy as a little girl of marrying a man with two kids and a control freak ex-wife. I don't think ANY of us imagined THAT growing up and fantasizing about our adult lives.

SD is almost 8 and SS is 10 1/2. I feel like an afterthought. I feel like, many times, DH forgets that some work needs to be done to include me in things. He just tends to go about his life with the kids like he did on their visits before I was in the picture, and I'm left sitting on the outside going, "Hey, what're we doing today (as they are all getting ready to leave the house together)? and, Oh, you're making dinner? What were we planning on having?" I try to use the word WE to emphasize, without being too bitchy, that this is MY life too, but he doesn't seem to catch on, even after I talked with him about it and told him those were my cues that I was feeling left out. I know and respect that he is going to need some one-on-one time with them, and I make sure he gets plenty of it, but he still seems to forget to include me even SOME of the time, and I know it's not intentional, because he was totally clueless when I brought it up.

So, you have both validated my feelings, thank you, something he couldn't do yet, but what can I DO about it????

I too had many of the same feelings early in our relationship. And as far as telling him, you can't. He will never understand. He hasn't been a stepparent, so he will never get it. Try counseling, it helped us.

I completely understand what you are saying STEPPING. I too feel the same way - it hits me the most when they start talking about "the past" - reminiscing about the "good ole days" - it upsets me so much smetimes I have to leave the room.
Last week was my oldest SD'S birthday and while we were at dinner - my FH started to tell me about how cute she was and what happened the day she was born(I had already heard the story many times...) - I literally had to force myself to smile and say - "oh really, how cute". I have no interest in hearing about "those days" and I feel incredibly left out when they do.
My FH's mother also put together a great photo album of old pictures of her from when she was a baby til now as her birthday gift and there wasn't a single picture of me in that album even though I have been in the picture now for over 2 years. While I understand why she did it - it still hurts...

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

I sooo understand what you're saying. I feel like an outsider looking in. Its like I can see people living but I'm not really a part of it. I want to be included more and I try to get myself involved, but the skids are older(11 and 13) so there's not alot of ways to be with them unless it's watching their sports...which is hard because their mom is there and all the people they knew as a couple. I feel so stressed. I live in his house, with his kids, and his ex constantly in our lives...it's like our life has to bend to co-exist with his old life. It just doesn't seem fair. I know what you're saying about feeling like an outsider because I feel like an intruder in my own home (which used to be "their" home before the divorce).
I don't have any words of encouragement because I'm struggling with the same thing...I just thought I would let you know that you aren't alone in feeling the way you do.

and even felt that way recently when we met dh's adult daughter for the first time(long story). There I was, sitting in a room with dh and his three kids and they were all talking about how they were alike and everything and it just made me feel left out and like crap. I went in the back and dh knew something was wrong. I flat out told him, he said he was sorry, but he really didn't have anything to be sorry about. I told him I had to work through it. In the beginning I would stay away from events because bm was there and so on, but eventually I realized I am his wife and I will make my self known. Now most people at our little league think I am the kids mom. Sometimes it gets to me when people are ignorant, but for the most part dh loves me and makes our relationship his top priority. It took me a while to find my place(and I don't have kids) and for dh to realize that my feelings were valid. I think of myself as first and foremost his wife and step-mom second. There are still some difficult moments, but for the most part we are a family whether it is just me and him or the four of us. Hope that helps..
May the force be with you..

I have three kids my Dh has one. When my step son is home in the summer I get the shoe on the other foot. I know how my husband feels with my kids. He doesn't disipline mine or me his. When SS does or says something that upsets me I do talk about it with my DH.as he does when something bothers him with my kids. anyways point is,pick and choose your battles. Remember they are still kids they love both parents. My husband just put his foot down and told SS that his time with him is his and he didn't care to hear about mom Ect, and SS caught on to that and he really doesn't talk about her, we explained that there is a time and a place for phone calls and we just would leave his tracking device (cell phone,he got this past year for that pourpose only) at home when we left . try not to take it so personally, I have 2 bio sons age 15 and 18 and they don't have a hole lot to do with me eather, only money. remember what brought you and your husband together in the first place and they will grow up and make there own lives, hang in there.A wise woman once said to me "This to shall pass" it was my grandmother.

I have talked with DH about this, and I'm also diving back into some theraputic reading on the subject of step-families (besides what I get on here, of course). DH has been asking follow-up questions of me, etc, so I can tell he is really trying to "get it." No matter how irritated I am with my situation, I DO love that man. He is such a gift. He really tries, unlike some of the stories I read on here, so I should be grateful instead of complaining, I guess.

i think part of the problem is that the DHs really feel like we are part of the family, especialy where their kids are concerned since we care for them in a motherly way when we have them, that they dont realize our feelings. i know my FH never really felt like a family w either BM, so he doesnt get how i feel since theyre not biologically mine. i take that back...he gets it but understand why i feel like that. its especially hard for me bc all of his family and friends have kids,,,and then theres me. i do consider him my family too, but until we have a baby and really have a family, its just not the same. to him, me and our family, skids included, is all that matters to him. ur DH is probably the same...and he probably just doesnt get that biological motherly aspect of taking care of kids that u will never have w the skids.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Sounds like the kids don't know how to react. Accept to be indifferent and emotionally limp.

They are certainly feeling guilt. Guilt for cracking a smile around you, the guilt their mom has probably drilled into their heads before seeing you.

I think we have all felt the isolation. It's the worst!

I really felt what you said about never being 8yrs old and dreaming of a guy with kids and horrible ex wife. I had to laugh over that. TOOO TRUE!

Hang in there.

And find something that makes you happy in the meantime. I really understand this feeling of being the third wheel in the household. I get to be the enforcer with my SD20, but not a part of the family as it were. Just Monday evening - SD20 went to the store and brought back treats for herself and her father. They shared. It was nice. She explained to me that she didn't think I would want any, since I was on a diet and all. mmmm.... nice..... I feel so included. The funny thing is - to me, this seems petty and small, and my SD is a champ at the petty, small exclusions. It hurts, it builds, it is hard to let go.

In the meantime, I carry on with what I enjoy. She wanted me to be hurt and excluded with the whole treat thing - that was the point. I just thanked her for thinking of my health. Of course last night, I popped out to the garden and picked a nice fresh tomato. Suddenly, she wanted to be a part of my life. Of course, I included her. We had a little chat and shared tomato. It was where I think we should be on a more regular basis. Even so, it is hard to let fo of all the little petty crap I encounter on a daily basis.

To talk about it, I tend to try to develop a list of example behaviors that make me feel left out, and present the behaviors to my DH. I tell him, when you and/or SD do these things, it makes me feel left out. I resent it. I don't know, sometimes it seems to work, other times, not so much. Hang in there.

I am going on 5 years with dh and I still feel like I am the fifth wheel. I too secretly hate the "good ole' days" stories and the silent jabs from sd. It seems no matter how I try I cannot escape the bs.

It it very tiring. I have had my heart stomped on so many times and have had to just sit and smile and act like all was great. I hate it. It is a feeling I wish I could escape. I am so thankful for this site and all of you ladies...

Lil teapot said it well "...it's like our life has to bend to co-exist with his old life." This sums up so much of how I feel. It is as if we cannot have our "own" life and I resent that. And I know it is silly and to feel this way, but I do sometimes mourn the fact that I can't have a family that does not include an ex wife and skids.

That many of us will die looking over our shoulders for manipulation from SKIDS. We need to take our lives back! lol