Skids and myspace

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Submitted by Fubar on Mon, 07/21/2008 - 10:35am. General Discussion

My future skid whom mind you is ONLY 12 has a myspace page saying she is 18, and a default picture that shows more cleavage than a porn star would show, and its public and her mood is drunk what does a child know about getting drunk. And Im sure her BM knows about it. I have told my FH about it over and over but each time he tries to call he gets no answer, they live with BM and we get them whenever she lets us until he goes to court. So my question is to I take that upon myself to ask the BM WTF are you doing letting a child do this. Given the skids half sister became PG at a young age. I dont want the same for my SD we dont allow them to go to sites like myspace or facebook bc they are too young and we cant control what goes on that page. at our house though we didnt know they had it until one day the SD left her page on my ipod. Do I say anything to BM or let this go and leave her out there for bait for a child predator this is really tearing me up, bc if something bad did happen to this child and I kept my mouth shut for the good of not having to fight with BM or do I honestly say something. My heart says say something my brain says let it go.The BM has a myspace page also so that would be my only way of communciation with her, but not sure if emailing her on there would be wise either. We sm must be saints no matter how shitty they (skids) treat us we still care more for them than the BMs and get nothing back for it. What is a lil SM to do????? Puzzled

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Notify MySpace

Submitted by Anne8102 on Mon, 07/21/2008 - 10:59am.

Let them know that she is underage and posting inappropriate material for her age and they will pull her account.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

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I agree

Submitted by Sita Tara on Mon, 07/21/2008 - 1:20pm.

Had been considering allowing SD to have a myspace so that we could control it and have the password. BUT...

I tried that with email to start with, and she continues to open new free accounts and not tell me. So it doesn't work. She'll just have her myspace that we see, and the other one we don't.

So we are getting nannyware of some type. If you notify myspace they will shut it down for anyone under 14, but then again, the kids are just getting smarter about their screenames, putting all kinds of symbols instead of letters so their parents can't find them. I also noticed all of SD's friends I have found, list their profiles as private. Though it's smart safetywise, I honestly think they're all doing it because parents have found their kids on their friend's myspace page.

It's tough. I also thing myspace is too bad with porn site spam to let my kids have one.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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Facebook for kids

Submitted by Anne8102 on Mon, 07/21/2008 - 2:36pm.

I think Facebook is better for kids. I've yet to see anything age-inappropriate on there. MySpace may be for "young" people, but honestly, I wouldn't want my youngsters on it.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

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I agree

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 9:21am.

But the "ALL my FRIENDS are on MYSPACE!" Whining will ensue I'm sure.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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I'm sorry I don't have any

Submitted by Wicked2Three on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 12:03am.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to mention that I LOVE your userID. F U B A R! Boy do I know that scenerio!

__________________________________________________________________
"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier

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SD14 has a myspace, as do her

Submitted by northernsiren on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 8:54am.

SD has a myspace, as do her father and I. We are her #1 and #2 friends. I read every bulletin she posts, review all her pictures, read her blogs, and her friends comments. We also have her passwords, and check up on her. We have the privacy settings set at the absolute highest you possibly can set them, and she is fine with all of this. There's no computer for her to use at her BM's house, and BM doesn't let her visit her friends houses, so the only time she has access is at our house, and I have her user account on her computer set up without admin rights, and monitor her activity. It's not perfect, but it works.

Honestly I worry more about the IMing activity, since that's harder for me to track, so far she hasn't done anything on myspace I would have an issue with, and I've also made a point to show her some of my "finer" PC skills and tech savvy, basically letting her know she shouldn't underestimate my ability to check up on her, so I believe even the IMing has been in line.

you are right to be concerned though, the WWW is a crazy place, and kids can get in a lot of trouble. There was just a front page article in our local paper about middle school girls/high school girls sending half naked pictures of themselves via cell phones and email to boys, and then the boys forwarding them to everyone in the school, etc etc. We asked SD to read it and talked to her about it, basically the biggest point being that none of those girls thought in a million years the guy they had feelings for would do that to them, but he did, so it's never ever a good idea to do those things, no matter how much you care for someone. By having adult conversations with her and treating her with respect, we hope she'll have that same respect for herself....

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kids and communication technology

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 9:38am.

I am really concerned.

Kids are not learning phone etiquette due to having no supervision on their own personal phones. SD got a call at 11:30 last night from a friend. When I told the girl that SD wasn't here, and that the kids aren't allowed calls that late, she was really rude.

I think they have become so used to having unlimited use of their own phones, they aren't learning any limits. SD was sneaking my cell phone to her room, before I found the lock on it, and calling people up to talk at all hours, even on school nights.

We never had that chance because we didn't all have our own phones.

My son told me last night that that I was absolutely RIDICULOUS for requiring they be in our yard because it was now pitch black out, as well as choosing another game (they were playing hide and seek and running across the street in the pitch black, and trying to trick each other into running full force toward each other because it was cool that they couldn't see.) Plus they were yelling and whooping it up right under Anna's window (they never want to play in our huge back yard- what is that about?) Evidently, once again, no other parents set limits like mine!

HMMMM.....

Except I noticed that me, this RIDICULOUSLY strict mom told my sons they could be out til 10 in our yard,(we were watching a movie when they were done) and their best buddy (who's a year older) got called home by his angelic, cool, no limit setting mom, at 9:45. My son sheepishly wandered back in after his friend's mom called him in.

I didn't feel the need to point out that I'm not so wicked after all.

IMing is used to harass, texting is being studied for it's addictive nature.

It's crazy.

I am overwhelmed at times feeling like the only parent who's treating my kid like a kid. SD's 13. BSs are 11 and 14.

Geesh. They are not a mini-adults. They're kids, WE'RE parents not buddies. You don't get to be friend's til they're all grown up and really understand there are responsibilities and consequences in the world. It's not just for their constant entertainment.

I just finished my class regarding parents of teens with emotional/mental health issues. The last speaker was from the juvenile justice system.

WHAT an EYE opener.

From everything she said, we are on the right path with our kids and our age appropriate guidelines. How refreshing, and enlightening from a woman who sees bored, entitled kids get into more trouble. As she told us, "It's not a kid from poverty stealing a CD at the mall. Those kids steal to eat. It's the kid who doesn't feel like working to earn the CD, and are used to being handed everything who thinks they're above consequences and entitled to it."

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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I actually have a degree in

Submitted by northernsiren on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 3:36pm.

I actually have a degree in psychology, maybe that's the problem. I know the big bad world awaits SD and the internet is just one thing, and her father and I feel that guiding her through it in a calm supportive and loving manner will aid her in making informed decisions in the long run, as opposed to her mother's perspective of NO!

SD has asked to use the phone all of once in our home. She has rules and responsibilities, taking care of pets and her room. But she also has a mother, and I'm not going to try to be another one for her. She's 14, and I've been in her life for 2 years. I will settle for being an important adult in her life, and honestly, I see being her "friend" and role model as being far more important than being her mother. I can have MORE influence and positivity in her life that way.

I WISH I had had someone other than my domineering mother in my life as a teenager, someone I felt like I could talk to about boys, sex, drugs, alcohol, and good things too, like what I wanted to do with my life, my beliefs, etc, without fearing the wrath of my mom. But I didn't have that, and I made a lot of bad choices as a result. That doesn't mean there are no consequences, and I'm a push over, and she gets all her own way, there are clear and established family rules, and conversations and removal of priviledges result when they are not met.

So I guess in summation, I don't think the internet and social networking sites are a bad thing, if you're able to monitor them, and it's balanced with family time too. It's a way for me to post a funny picture during the week when she's away, or send her an email about something that just ocurred to me, so she KNOWS I'm thinking about her, even when she's not there. I would actually go as far as to say I think it's actually helped build a bridge of communication and trust between us, which is not a bad thing....

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The big bad world...

Submitted by Sita Tara on Wed, 07/23/2008 - 12:46am.

Hmmmm.... I remember it well.

I didn't have the mom you did. She did yell now and then, usually when she was so frustrated with her unjust life that she had to release her pain or get committed. She wasn't crazy though. She just had the worst possible thing a parent can have happen to her, and she became understandably pre-occupied with surviving each day.

Until I was 12, we had the typical 70's family, plus my mom and my sibs and I were all involved in theatre together. The Partridge family, without the fame. It was a good life, not perfect, my parents weren't in love and we knew it. But good all the same.

I had permissive mom, control freak dad. But he didn't stay home much so we did mostly what we wanted. We had a few responsibilities, were very social and active. And without much technology to distract us from talking to our friends in person, we were constantly on the go.
In summers we were outside from the time we got up til mom made us come in for dinner.We performed in or worked on play after play.
As I said, a good life.

Then, when I was 12, my 17 year old brother was hit by a drunk driver. His date (from our theatre- on their first one) was killed instantly, and my brother was severely and permanently disabled. My mother took care of him day and night for the next 14 or so years at home. My dad slept on the couch at night so he could listen to my brother's monitor. Other than that he slept half the day on our living room couch, then got up and went out til midnight or later. My mom had no life, no time, no energy for me.

I had no parents. I raised myself. Played counselor to myself for my eventual depression. And...if it weren't for theatre, and those crazy wild loving circus folks that they are, I am not sure I'd still be here today. I did drugs and drank at 12, got pregnant at 16. Stayed with an abusive BF for almost three years from 16-19. My sister got pregnant at 18, married the week after graduation. And she had the pre-trauma mom, so the distracted mom I had wasn't the only issue. My mother was not a push over. But wanted us to feel we had her absolute trust until we gave her reason to doubt us. Because her overbearing domineering mother never trusted her in the late 1950's and she thought she could do better.

BOY did WE know we had her right where we wanted her.

So I am not permissive with my children. They call me Ninja mom because I have the ability to find out much of the things they try to get away with. As a result, my sons both have pretty much stopped trying to find something they can get away with. My SD is still searching and determined to wear me down.

My sister was not permissive either. But we both do talk to our kids a TON, are honest with them, communicate with them, on a daily basis. Not lecturing. Listening, reflecting.

It seems to me in today's world, where I read lots of rationalization for buying kids self esteem for them with technology, wardrobe, etc, that I am a loner among most middle school parents. I'm not overly religious, and am a liberal on most issues, but it's Christian parents I am finding myself identify with on family values. Like doing stuff together as a family. Setting limits on the constant escapism/over socializing I see SD do. Establishing and teaching a moral compass to my children. Finding a balance between highly involved parenting, and allowing them some room for error and natural consequences.Setting limits to wants while providing their needs. Showing by example. Modeling a marriage I would hope they strive for (instead of the non-loving model I got).

But...maybe it's because I don't have the luxury of SD having a BM who's able to think about consequences in her own relationships, let alone help SD learn to think about them. I am the only mom model SD has. She has a BM yes. But BM is a buddy only.

It's like our roles are reversed. So you as SM/buddy may be appropriate. Like I said, I just don't have the luxury of that.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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Thank you wicked. Well my

Submitted by Fubar on Wed, 07/23/2008 - 10:30am.

Thank you wicked. Well my Fsd lives with BM so we have no control over it, though my fh has talked to his ex about this also and she doesnt care she thinks its perfectly fine for her 12 yr old to be showing cleavage and saying shes drunk and having older older guys on her page.The BM calls it expressing herself. And to this day she still lets her have a very bad page. But I did send in a request to myspace 2 days ago to cancel her page, they havent cancelled it yet. I suppose we have done all we can but isnt it sad when a Fsm cares more for the safety of the children than BM. But we are the bad guys who could give a shit about them, isnt that ironic..

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I understand! It's a hard

Submitted by Wicked2Three on Wed, 07/23/2008 - 12:16pm.

I understand! It's a hard position to be in where you are so concerned that something bad is going to happen and you have NO control yet at the same time you are trying to squash those feelings of wanting something bad to happen just to prove your point. Oh GAWD! Did I just admit that? I feel for ya.
__________________________________________________________________
"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier

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