Step Talk

My skids are SD16 and SD14. They were 13 and 11 when I met them. They are affectionate girls. Here is the way I handled it (not sure if this will help you). First meeting: said a friendly goodbye, let them know I enjoyed meeting them and looked forward to the next time I would see them. Second meeting: I offered a hug at the end of the visit. Although you may think this would make them feel obligated to hug you, you can tell by the way they hug you (or if they back away) if they're into hugging or not. If you get a stiff or uncomfortable hug, try a pat on the arm next time or something less overt than a hug. This lets them know that you are open to sharing affection with them but that you understand their boundaries. My main goal was to make them feel that they could show affection if they wanted to.

After that meeting they always hugged me when we met and when we said goodbye. Sometimes they'll even take my hand or my arm when we're walking somewhere, or put their head on my shoulder or come snuggle up next to me on the couch (like I said, they're affectionate girls!). Sometimes their affection is a little bit overhwhelming - but I NEVER want them to feel rejected, so even if I don't want to be "hung upon" I look at it as a small price to pay for a good relationship with my skids (who are the ultimate extension of DH, whom I love, respect and adore with every fiber of my being).

It may have been different if my skids were boys and not girls - hard to say. I think boys may be more uncomfortable with showing affection toward new people (depending on age).

Did that help?

I just feel awful. I could probably count on two fingers the number of times my SS10 has hugged me, and two hands for SD8. (I have known them for over 2 years). I have initiated a couple of hugs, and SS is definitely NOT all about that...however, he IS with his SF and BF and BM and everyone else, so it's really JUST ME, which sucks. SD8 will hug me spontaneously every rare once in awhile, and she will even more rarely hold my hand, but almost immediately after, it seems guilt sets in and I have to listen to her talk about her mother for the rest of the night.

She is definitely reaching out for some affection, but I don't want to suffocate them, and I think my SS would be uncomfortable if I just up and hugged him. Plus, he is extremely paranoid about "inappropriate touch" from some school program, so I don't even wanna go there. I just don't know what degree of affection I should be comfortable initiating with either one of them. The fact that they don't usually initiate it (or never do, in SS's case), and the fact that when SD is affectionate she clearly feels guilt or some sort of mom-complex or something really makes me hesitant to even try. But, I want to have a loving relationship with them, and I feel like the fact that affection is missing is what makes me feel so emotionally detached and distant from them (except when they are pissing me off, of course; that emotion rings through pretty well!).

10 is a VERY tough age for boys. My BS10 doesn't really care much to hug me these days, but I don't take it personally - it's just that age. Sometimes I when I try to hug him he will pretend like he doesn't know me! But I know that our relationship is good - so I don't take it personally at all. With that age comes a rush of hormones, the hair starting to appear in strange new places, unfamaliar feelings and sensations toward members of the opposite sex, etc. It's amazing any of us survived that confusing and terrifying time in our lives!

The fact that he hugs BM and others may just mean that he feels too guilty NOT to do it(especially for a child of divorced parents, they are so attuned to not offending either BP). They may also feel some form of loyalty conflict (hugging you = being disloyal to the BM). The point is - there are many possible reasons for the lack of affection having nothing to do with you or anything you are doing.

Also, physical affection isn't everything - try to connect with him on an intellectual or emotional level. What are his interests? What activities does he enjoy? What's his favorite movie? Find some common ground or make some common ground (educate yourself on some of the things he likes).

they will actually say good bye to me and once in a blue moon they will actually hug me or give me a peck.

this affectionate behaviour is strictly outlawed on their part by pyscho and narcisstic BM

He and SD are both VERY affectionate with their step-dad, though. I just feel left out, I guess. I'm feeling pouty.

Because they see their BM as being more insecure about their affection than your DH? It is very possible that they feel "guilt vibes" coming from BM but don't feel that at all from DH (meaning that their affection toward SD does not alienate DH and also has the added benefit of pleasing BM). Just a thought. I don't know the particulars of your situation.

I noticed that my skids make sure they always have something to complain about when we take them back to BM's to make BM believe that they didn't have as great of a time as they did. DH and I always laugh about what comes back to us as "problems" after our weekends or vacations with the girls. I finally caught onto this when a "problem" came back to us that we both were 100% certain was NOT a problem because we had talked to the girls about it specifically. All of a sudden a lightbulb went off in our heads "Ohhhh ... they feel they need to complain about SOMETHING so that BM feels good about herself when they get home." Makes total sense. (Like when DH says "Gee I REALLY don't want to go to this golf outing ... but you know, clients will be there, etc., etc." Hahaha!).

Something to think about ...

Skids are cold to BF and me in BM's presence. Out of her sight, they are affectionate (but snotty and sarcastic with no respect) to BF. They are RARELY affectionate with me, but I think a lot of that is due to my personality. My upbringing was less than affectionate and that is a grand understatement. I had a hard time showing affection to my own bio kids, but I do it now more than ever. I realize what great bio kids I have in comparison to these over-privileged, lazy, spoiled rotten to the corn fed underachievers!!!!

We hug and hold hands. I put my arm around them and they put their arms around me. They would sit on my lap when they were younger, up until around age ten or so. I don't know who reached out first. I think it was probaby mutual. They are very loveable and affectionate kids and, of course, I'm a very loveable and affectionate mama-type, so it was just a spontaneous thing.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

My SS10 and SD 11 both wait for me everyday for me to come home for work and fight eachother on which one will be the first to hug and kiss me. I am very blessed with wonderful Skids.

I have hugged them from day one but they were raised to be affectionate. Each situation is different and each kid different.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

My SD14 was distant at first, I'd say the first year or so. But I understood that she was going through a tough time with her parents recently divorced, so I gave her some space. One day she was upset (which happens quite often. Usually BM stuff.)So, I walked over and hugged her, she responded with a "half hug". Now, she is constantly by my side, hugs all day long, she holds my hand when we're watching a scary movie, snuggles, hangs all over me, and there's not one place I can go without her when she's here.. even to the store for 5 mins!
As for SS12, he's a little different. I have absolutely no control on that child, he's rude and violent, but yet he likes to hug me. This is harder for me to accept, especially on a rough behavior day. Still, I hug him back just like I mean it, and he walks away smiling. Maybe one of these days he'll straighten his act up and it will be fun to give/get his hugs.

affectionate with my hubby in front of my SDs or affectionate with my SDs...they give off a vibe to "not go there" and they've accused others of inappropriate touching and such, so no way. I'm sure they are mad about it though, because I can't win!

I figure that my kiddos have such a disgusting BM that I want them to know how much they are truly loved! They are 10, 5, and 3. The 5 year old is so NOT into affection, but I hug him at least once per visit anyway and tell him I love him! The 10 yr old has come out of his shell so much and now runs to give me hugs and the 3 year old thinks I'm a play gym. I love it! If I could keep them 24/7 I would. It didn't start out this way though. Well the 3 yr old and I have been tight since day one. The boys were WAY more reserved. But I started taking them out for one-on-one time and we'd just talk. It wasn't anything special just a run to the store or something like that. Slowly I gained their trust. I began telling them how happy I was that they were in my life and that I really looked forward to ever time they visited. Then one day the oldest one did something really great (can't remember what it was anymore) and I got excited and gave him a big hug. At first he looked at me like, "What is wrong with you?!!?!" (His BM and BF are not that affectionate with the kids.) But then after that he started to come around and now he loves it.

As for Mr. Tactile Defensive -- aka the 5 yr. old. We started playing this game where we had to count and make sure all his ribs were there (this started when he was 3). Well he was so ticklish that it didn't take long until he was on the floor giggling and squealing. So one day I picked him up, gave him a big hug, and told him that I loved him. To this day he's just not big on hugs or affection -- that's just him. (Personally I'm beginning to wonder if he has some form of Asbergers) Anyway, when he's in the mood he'll call out and say, "Hey I need some snuggles" or "I need you to tickle my back." In adult language this means he wants his back lightly rubbed to put him to sleep. But for his birthday party he was having me help him get on his swim trunks so he could play with his slip and slide and he just snuggled into me and I was able to tell him how much I love him and how excited I am that I get to be their for these special days of his life.

The 3 yr old is just a snuggle bug so I LOVE it!!!! She loves playing dress up, getting her hair done, having me read to her.

The 5 yr old wants to play games and go everywhere with me, but just isn't interested in hugs.

we were inseperable. In fact, they were attached to me more so than DH. Once BM witnessed how close we were and when they would tell her how much fun they had with me and the things we did, she began saying some really mean things to them about me. Even had SD at the age of 3, say "My mommy says you're a B!+@&." I tried and tried for years, but as they got older their alliance was with her (understandably so) and things have remained strained. There is the occasional show of affection, but I don't force myself on them, I allow them to come to me when they need me. Really sad situation. I've even had a talk with them and explained that I am not trying to take BMs place and I never could even if I tried. Also, explained that they should never have to feel like they've got to choose between BM & I, do that which feels right for them. If we are at a school event and they want to be with her, they are encouraged to spend that time with her as I live with them and get the bulk of the time. I'm actually okay sitting in the background most days and they feel better not feeling like they have to choose, but also knowing that I'm there for them if they need me.

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.

I am and have always been affectionate with my sd. It is something that is easiest if you start off doing it. It might feel awkward at first since you haven't done it a lot up till now. But remember that it won't get any easier as they get older. Just grab 'em and hug 'em from time to time!

I met her at nine and she jumped onto me and held on for dear life.

I had to peel her away at times, she was so needy. And she would "stake her claim" on me in front of my sons, by clinging to me when their dad picked them up.

I knew that wasn't the SD norm, and DH and gently tried to teach her appropriate contact without shunning physical intimacy. It was a tough ride, and now she barely hugs us. I still initiate hugs though, especially if she's having a bad day. And though she resists them at first, usually I just hold on til she relaxes and then she will release her sadness.

Not perfect, but I remember not wanting to hug or kiss my own mom at 13 too.

BS 14 used to hug and kiss me goodbye, and WAVE from the bus, up until his second year of middle school. I remember being amazed he was still doing that, knowing he was likely taking some slack from his buddies. It broke my heart when he stopped, and now he doesn't want to hug me goodbye when he goes to his dad's.

BS 11 LOVES to give and get tons of hugs and kisses. He is a very free spirit. Though he's showing signs of tweenage angst lately. Thank God for ANNA. 2 1/2 year olds ALWAYS love to hug and kiss mommy.

I let SD come to me, but she was not typical in her leaping into my mother earthyness.

I think I would approach them with a hug if you haven't seen them for a little while, like if they spend extra time with BM. Or if they are sad (easier with girls probably.)

My sons have never hugged or told DH they love him. I think that's partly his fault though. He saw how easily SD and I showed affection, and thought he'd take the same approach. But they are boys, have a great relationship with their dad, AND were 7 and 10 when he met them. Boys are different.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I use to be much affectionate to my SD (7) but she has become distant in the last while...so I find myslef pulling away. I feel bad because I am very affectionate with my bios.

My other issue is I am too concerned with BM. I feel as though she sits around waiting for us to screw up so she can yell at us. SD got a slight sunburn and we went through hell this week. So I can't imagine if anything major happened when she was with me.

So I just pull away...so not far to SD but I think she has guilt about getting close to me. SAD. She could so benefit having good relationships in her life.

sometimes we're affectionate, sometimes not. usually it takes a while into the weekend before she "warms up" to me again, since there's usually a lot of time between visits. normally by the last day she's all over me (i get the "hung on" feeling too which i don't like but usually deal with) and will give me a big hug before she leaves.

granted, she has known me as her daddy's girlfriend for the past year, but she's actually known me most of her life because i have been best friends with my bf's sister, sd's aunt, for 15 years. sd is 4, so i've been around. maybe that's why she feels comfortable around me.

i get the cold shoulder a lot of the time too, though. she's very moody...lol. she'll be affectionate when she wants to but there are a lot of times when she doesn't. this is usually when she first arrives at our house and for maybe the first day or so. i'm pretty sure this is BM's influence and her guilting her. but i am usually very good to my sd and play and do things with her even when her daddy isn't, so i think deep down she really does like me and it just takes a little time of her being with us for her mom's influence to wear off.

it made me feel really good this past weekend when she was over because she'd been kind of distant all weekend but i'd taken her swimming while her dad worked on his 4-wheeler and we'd spent a lot of time bonding so when i asked her for a hug before she left she gave me a big one and then picked up her bookbag and things to leave then stopped and put everything down and ran over to me and said "one more hug!" it made me very happy and i hope when she gets older she doesn't feel too guilty to show me affection because she thinks her mother wouldn't like it.

I feel very lucky to be able to say that I am and the kids are with me. They are 7 and 9 - I met them at 5 and 7. SD has been more reluctant with physical affection, prefering attention to touch. The only person she is especially affectionate with is DH. As she warmed up to me, she has been more physically affectionate, but it goes in spurts and stops. BM has serious issues with being touched, so they don't get much from her. SS is a total cuddle bug and will absentmindedly rub my arms, hair, legs, back - whatever he can reach. He is like this with DH too. Everyone is very demostrative at our house except sd. She seems to crave it, but she's like a cat - she has to come to you first.

I have told her that I can tell she doesn't like the cuddles as much as her brother and that if she needs some cuddles she can just come to me and let me know. That way it is on her terms.

I don't have any kids of my own, and this is my first relationship where my partner had a child, so this was a tough thing for me. It took a while, I was reluctant to initiate, I didn't want to be pushy. I was more interested in having a solid, close emotional relationship with SD14, it didn't have to be physically expressed. But slowly over time I introduced little things, playing with her hair, touching her if I was complimenting her on her hair, her jewelry, shoes, whatever, and she started initiating hugs after that. What sealed the deal for me though was reading a survey she did on myspace (her father and I are her #1 and #2 friends) where the question was "do you get hugged every day?" She wrote: at moms, no, at dad's yes. That made me so sad for her.... Now I reach out to her all the time, and she has never pushed me away.

I am very afraid of initiating affection because I think the kids feel extremely guilty about their mom (and she does NOT help alleviate that guilt, but rather breeds it copiously). I don't want to put them in that position if I can help it. On the other hand, though, I sometimes feel like I wanna give them a hug, and I don't want them to think that I don't care about them that way. Unfortunately, I think a lot of my issues with this come from my own experiences of being a step-child to a step-father who was a total ass and abusive. I'm not sure how to move past that....