Step Talk

Then i guess you were one of the lucky ones

I was on good terms with my ex until I found out he was in the swingers group and all the kids know about it. Now things aren't going so well.

My ex has moved on and he is with a very nice person now.She is good to my son and i have nothing bad to say about her.I do not overstep my boundries when my son is at his dads house.I know that my son sees the peace between us and he does not stress himself about it because we all get along.My dh ex is a vindictive b....i have never done anything wrong to her but for some reason shes out to make my life a living hell.

The swingers group my ex is in involves couple swapping and group sex. Not sure there is any dancing involved

i know there are a few lucky ones, but in general the BMs have been awful to us SMs and thats why we're here.

mine, for example, lied to have the child in the first place. when FH tried to be responsible and offer to give her money and wanted visitation, it was never enough. shes obviosuly not interested in her child having a father, but then again if she were she wouldnt have had the kid in the first place, she only cared about visitation bc she needed a sitter. its all about her, not SD. she has control issues and a vindictive vendetta. she has harrassed us, threatened our property, filed phony abuse charges against us including molestation allegations against my SS15, all in an effort to modify custody so she could get more CS that we cant afford, gotten into numerous fights w FH during exchanges, called me names on my own front door, banned us both from picking up SD at daycare, not to mention how she brainwashes SD, babies her, teaches her no manners and lets her act like a little monkey bc shes too lazy all the while shes home w her every day bc she only works a PT minimum wage job. thats honestly just the tip of the iceberg. yet shes won in court every time. probably bc we cant afford our own representation due to her CS bleeding us dry.

most of us have tried so hard to have an amicable relationship w the BMs bc we know its important for the kids sake. unfortunately, most of our BMs dont have the kids well being in mind, although they like to think they are mother of the year. honestl, if my BM really had SDs best interests at heart do u think she would have done ANY let alone all of the above??? but she hates us more than she loves her own kid.

the thing that amazes me is how hard some of us work to try and forge these relationships w the BMs. there are some truly incredible women on this site. we put our blood, sweat and tears into these kids, to in most cases be treated like dirt by them and their mothers. u see, SMs dont matter to certain BMs...i know mine has told me that her kid and my FHs arrangement ie court papers, etc are none of my business.

what u will find though, is most if not all of these women who are BMs too have fantastic relationships w their childs SMs...wonder why??

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I think they just got too comfortable with it. I have discovered they have been doing it 2005. Some of my older son's friends saw his group out on the river last year and told my son. From there my son was trying to find out info and saw some pictures of the SM on the computer. I found some stuff laying out when I went to pick my younger son up for camp and no one was home. That's when I search the website information I found laying out and discovered all this stuff. Then I talked to my kids about it. They have known at least a year and wouldn't tell me because they said they were embarrassed and humiliated and their friends knew and were making fun of them at parties. I told my ex what he does is his business when it doesn't affect the children. He said he didn't feel he putting them in any danger and that their isn't anything wrong with his "lifestyle" and it wasn't my business. It hasn't been pleasant since because my younger son was living with him and now I am bringing him back home to live with me.

We talk everything through, invite each other to things regarding the kids, AND just as friends. My exH is remodeling my rec room/laundry room and sons' room. His wife called me right away for support when she found out her oldest daughter was pregnant at 19.

This has been sometimes uncomfortable for my incredibly amazing, yet handyman challenged DH. Sometimes he irritatedly snaps "I CAN DO THAT!" when I tell him I will just ask my exH to install something. It's a good motivator actually.

This worked in our favor greatly with the custody case. The GAL was here when my exH came for my sons, and though she was in the other room talking with DH, she could see how laid back exchanges go with him and my sons. Also, my ex and his wife agreed to be character witnesses if needed, and we gave their numbers to the GAL. She never called them, likely because she was observing my interaction with him and my sons from the kitchen (open floor plan.)

I am highly disappointed that BM has a mental problem and cannot even stand my existence on the planet. I would be a fabulous SM to a BM who was normal. I am actually still a fabulous SM who has gone out of my way to try to make BM comfortable, even telling SD not to put down her mom, though BM calls me a fat stupid lazy bitch to SD. It's the BPD talking, I know it. Still sucks sometimes.

So...though BM's actions are horrible to us and to SD, I do try to find empathy in knowing she cannot control it, is not emotionally self aware, and is ruled by her mental illness, even though she is highly academically intellectual and a registered nurse.

So that's my story.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Peaceful though, have 0 contact. Can't stand her, she spent most of sd younger years bad mouthing me, and I didn't even know it until we were watching Cinderella and her at 5 yo said my mommy said her name was XXXZX. There ya go!!

Two face mean whores are nor my friends.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I am not only friendly with both my EX husbands ex wives but we are all best of friends. Both of them I consider family. Hey I may have had bad taste in men but they had wonderful taste in women

Now to the present husband and now deal with his ex. His ex wife is no kidding the most vindictive hostile, hateful person in my whole life. She truly hates my DH more than she loves the kids and has made our lives miserable.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

can't even tolerate the thought today.......urgh... fall off the face of the planet for all I care. I don't hate BM cause she had DHs first child or their 6years together and am so far from jelous they could get stranded on a desert island and I know he wouldn't- I truely (knowing the full meaning and it's the only person on earth I say this about) hate BM for what she has done to SD, and keeps trying to do and doesn't care enough to think about it!

There is no reason where logic does not exist

I couldn't have expressed it any better than she did, but here is my story...

I am a BM to two boys (now 14 & 18). When my ex and I divorced, it was as amicable as divorces go, and when their SM came into the picture pretty quickly, the only things I asked the boys were:
*Is she nice?
*Does she treat you well?
*Does she make your dad happy?

From there, things were very easy! And have been ever since, 8 years later. And that was paramount to me, because my oldest son has Down Syndrome, and I needed to know that she would accept him and take extra special care of him when he was there- and she has. She loves him and I trust her completely when he is with her. We have never once in 8 years agrued or had an angry exchange. She has been to my home and I have been to hers.

So I think I know that it CAN work. BUT, on the flip side...

I am the SM to DHs 3 girls. When I came into the picture, he was already divorced (she left him after an ugly adulterous affair in their home, and an even uglier divorce proceeding).

I, being the nurturing type, leapt into "SuperStepmom" mode from the beginning with the best of intentions, and assumed that I would have the same type of relationship that I had with my sons' SM.
Boy was I WRONG!!!

Because from the very beginning, it was crystal clear this BM was incapable (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) to have any type of adult relationship with me, or her ex for that matter. The years have been frought with constant emotional abuse on the girls, high drama and upheaval in our home, and constant battles that we have needed counseling in remedying (without her, of course- because SHE doesn't have any problems.)

After five years, which seems like twenty, we are battle-worn, but wiser, and are just now starting to implement plans in our home to work around a toxic person who will, unfortunately, be a part of our lives until the day she dies.

We pray and wish the situation could be different. The girls look at my relationship with my ex and his wife and wonder why it's not that way with their mother. And I wish I could say to them, "because she's crazy!" But of course, I do what I always do- the right thing. I smile and say, "I wish that, too."

(Ok, side note: up until Saturday, I kept my mouth shut, when, with SD16 I just couldn’t hold my tongue any longer and finally let her ‘have it’. You can read all about it in another post “Finally let SD16 have it” (vent). Because even us ‘saints’ reach our limits!)

Relationships between BMs and SMs CAN work. HOWEVER... only when you are dealing with TWO adult, mature, responsible, lucid, well-intentioned, women who truly put the well-being of the children FIRST. And if BOTH women aren't willing to do that...they end up here!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

"Relationships between BMs and SMs CAN work. HOWEVER... only when you are dealing with TWO adult, mature, responsible, lucid, well-intentioned, women who truly put the well-being of the children FIRST. And if BOTH women aren't willing to do that...they end up here!" EXACTLY!!!!! why are we (the SMs) always the ones who see this when the kids in question arent even ours?? u would think the BMs would be the ones to try harder bc its their children and they are responsible for and supposedly want the best for them. too bad most of them are too shot sighted and blinded by jealousy and hate.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

The BM in my case is/was/seemingly always will be more concerned and upset that I am making her ex BF happier than her(noy mt words his),- BM here seems to be more concerned about what my DH did than what goes on with "her"(dam right I went there) child- I tried for years in ignorance to think someday BM was gonna get over it but it hasn't happened- I even told DH that however he "did" her he needed to do me cause I can not imagine being like that if the man had married a women(they were never even engaged,on/off for only half the time we have been together too) and worse to me is that BM has let her issues do so much to SD- BM has done more damage to SD than anyone who could've meant her harm.I really think I might just blow and I have only one hour left to get it out soI can be the mom they deserve when they come home.

There is no reason where logic does not exist

my bf ex is that.....wish i could say different but no i cant......she does not want to be with her daughter and looks at parenting like something she should get paid to do. Its a shame,.Makes me want to vomit!!!!!!!!!