SD18 apologizes--still in shock!

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SD18 apologizes--still in shock!

Submitted by Sarah101 on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 9:02am.

Truly--I am in shock.

SD18 appeared at our home yesterday to apologize for breaking into our room and stealing from us back in February. Back then, we immediately kicked her out--our home contract made it clear that being kicked out was the consequence for stealing. We knew that stealing meant the SD18 was using drugs again (coke and pot).

Oh, she HATED us! We were unfair! I was a bitch! Her dad was being brainwashed!

So the ever-entitled SD18 went to live with her bipolar, abusive BM, and together they rode the Hate Express for a while--(that's what I call it when people bond by hating on others). SD18 decided not to work and hung out with all her old junkie friends.

During this period, DH made a significant change in his behavior and STOPPED giving money to his adult kids for the first time in their lives. SD18 kept calling with excuse after excuse to get cash, but DH never caved. He didn't even fall for the "I need money for a yeast infection" excuse.

Predictably, SD18 fell out of favor with BM. BM began to physically beat SD18. Apparently BM was tired of the stealing and also the fact that SD18 just glued her ass to the couch, ate all BM's food, and wouldn't get a job. Imagine that.

When SD18 demanded DH take her back in our home, he refused. So she couch-surfed with her doper friends. After a while, they kicked her out too. No money, no dope. No dope, no friends.

SD18's cell phone was shut off. Her car insurance was cancelled. Her registration lapsed. She couldn't buy gas. She let us know what assholes we were.

So what changed her mind? For the past month SD18 has been living in a homeless shelter. She actually got a part-time minimum wage job (10th job she's had this year). With no friends, she's had time to reflect I guess, and with no money, she couldn't buy dope, so she could think. Also, hunger probably had something to do with her revelations.

So last night she told us how she had taken us for granted, and that she sees how lucky she was to live in our home with its full fridge. She admitted that, after she returned from rehab last year, all we wanted from her was respect, that she get a job, and that she attend college. Instead of doing that, she disrespected DH and me, stole from us, and treated us badly. She realizes now that we offered her a safe, peaceful home and that she blew it.

I kept expecting the "ask" to come (to move back in or gimme money), but it never did. DH and I decided well before the tearful apology that SD18 would not be permitted to live in our home again, and that if DH handed her cash he would only be dulling the effect of this important life lesson she is learning.

Believe it or not, this is progress. None of DH's other adult kids has apologized to us for their blatant disrespect, or taken any responsibility for themselves at all. If DH had caved with SD18 as he always did before, she would have never gotten to this point. Yes, it's so painful for DH to watch the downward slide with SD18, but if his actions truly result in SD18 getting straight, recognizing reality, and growing up, then it was well worth it.

For now, we just sigh and continue to pay down SD18's $100,000 rehab bill.

**************

PS. I hope everyone is having a good summer! Smiling

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HOLY COW!!

Submitted by justwantpeace2 on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 9:12am.

100,000 rehab bill? Jawdropping! As if life isn't hard enough! I hope for you and your dh's sake that your sd18 grows up soon and starts taking responsiblity for her actions and helps you pay the bill!

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Wow. I commend your

Submitted by Mustang1 on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 9:35am.

Wow. I commend your husband. What he did was not easy to do, and very, very few parents have the balls to do it. She saw the light very quickly, didn't she? I guess after footing the $100,000 rehab bill he'd had enough, huh? Sheesh...that's like a mortgage payment! I believe all of this will end well, though, and I think you and your husband feel the same way.

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Yes, $100,000 rehab bill

Submitted by Sarah101 on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 2:32pm.

A note about the rehab bill in case anyone is considering this option for their wayward children. When SD was 15, she was addicted to cocaine and selling her body for money and drugs. DH didn't know this when he petitioned for, and won, custody from the BM.

SD(then 15) didn't attend school and essentially ran DH's household because he had to work and was away for most of the day. She was defiant and stole whatever she needed to support her cocaine habit. Boys were coming in and out of her window every night. The school gave up. The psychologist gave up. The psychiatrist gave up. Even the court system couldn't handle SD15, and it was clear that they were just biding time until she was 18 and they could close her file and get rid of her.

DH had to take action or SD15 would ruin him, his house, and the entire family. He was convinced that if she was allowed to carry on with her behavior, she would be dead within the year. DH was physically tired and his health was suffering because of all the stress.

So DH found a program that involved a couple of months of "wilderness" which was essentially a detox program where the kids hiked their butts off. After that, SD15 was transitioned into a residential treatment program/high school in Utah, where she lived and received treatment for a year.

That year cost us $100,000. We took our private student loans to fund the program. Now, we are not wealthy by any means, and we knew what we were getting into financially. This decision was as much for DH as it was for SD15--he knew that this was his last hope. If the treatment program was not successful and SD15 ended up dead in a gutter, DH felt that he could sleep well at night knowing that he did everything in his power to save her.

So now we pay $800/month for DHs peace of mind. It's a struggle and we are not sure if it was worth it. SD15 eventually came home, and was smoking pot two weeks later. One month after that she was scoring $15 hits (cocaine).

We did the best we could.

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Sounds like great progress

Submitted by storm on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 2:47pm.

Some of us have to hit bottom before digging our way out. Sounds like she's doing that and you and DH have given her a lot of the tools she needs. Very expensive yes, even more than the money I'm sure your sanity most of the time, but you know that your statement "WE DID THE BEST WE COULD.", is the absolute truth. She's got to figure it out now and be responsible for her life. If she's admitting the err of her ways at 18, I think she's way ahead of a lot of girls in her situation. Hope she keeps it up and the best of luck to all of you.

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

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Maybe the apology is

Submitted by Sia on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 7:23pm.

part of her 10-step program? Perhaps she is in rehab and has to make ammends? One can hope. I wish you tons of luck with that, I hope that this was a precursor for money..... Smiling

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Progress

Submitted by ema on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 8:11pm.

I am happy to hear about the progress you have had. Now if only the other 4.... Smiling . I went through this same thing with my BS and I finally had to put my foot down and quit enabiling him to treat me like crap. We did not speak for almost 2 years and when we did he had had a real eye opener to the real world and now appreciates everything I have ever done for him. He still lives on his own and pays his own bills, etc. and even though it may not be college he still supports himself and doesn't ask me for anything. He appreciates anything that I do for him now and we have a much better relationship than we ever did. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it worked out in the end. Sounds like your SD realizes that she is an adult now and she can't use people and has to stand on her own two feet if she wants anything in her life. I wish her, you and your DH continued success. Good luck!

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