Step Talk

Reality check - SD needed it. I am interested in knowing how it will pan out in the next few days? BM (if anything like ours) is likely just pissy cause she will actually have to get off her butt!

I hope SD listened.

There is no reason where logic does not exist

My skids do the same thing. They know BM is a lier they even call her one but in their eyes she poops gold. They also blame DH for everything that BM does and what we can't do for them b/c of BM.

I get sick and tired of it too. It's one thing when they disrespect me but I won't stand by and let them disrespect their father.

You did good! Let her know how you feel, after all it's your home and if she doesn't like it she can call her BM to pick her up.

~Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns~

so many times it may as well have been scripted. BM is the same way, she freakin crazy, yet everything she does is GREAT in Skids eyes. I think they put her on a pedastal b/c no one else does and b/c she is so rotten they have to make her look better b/c they don't want to see reality.

16 is when all the crap-crap began with me and my SD - It just whirlwinded. Now, I look back I feel so bad for DH, because at the time I didn't see or wouldn't see that I added to his stress. I tried so hard to make my SD be apart of my world, it didn't happen. She is just as screwed up as her mother, by telling her what you did, I think will pull both yall apart (SD-they feel for some reason compelled to defend their mothers right/wrong/indifferent)in the end. At least your SD didn't tell you that you weren't her mother and I'm glad you didn't say, Im glad Im not your fat-ass mother. Could have been alot worse. As far as I'm concerned, you did what I would have, - I can only be pushed soooo far !!

I guess We as steppers can see what is going on very clearly, but trying to make an 16 understand is clearly impossible. They are not equipped to understand adult female logic. And for the hubby, he is clearly under alot of stress now I shutter to say, that he may be feeling even more stressed because he knows you got pushed to far. Only because he loves you first and foremost, Am I making any type of sense?

Not your fault, I understand because happened to me. I HATE BM'S !!! THEY ARE THE ROOT CAUSE OF ALL EVIL !!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Good job laying it on the line with the SD16! I'm impressed. Believing in BM fairy tales is one matter, but blatant disrespect (walking out on a parent) is a much more serious issue that needs immediate attention.

My 5 adult stepbrats spent years telling me about how terrible their BM was--and she was indeed a serious abuser--and I NEVER ONCE engaged in those conversations because I knew that whatever I said would backfire and likely be repeated to the BM within the next few minutes. I nodded a lot and changed the subject. You can have quite a noncommittal conversation with someone by the creative use of, "mmmmmm....."

Although they each hated the BM and called her a crazy bitch, each and every one of them continues to fly around the "BM flame" hoping to get some of the love that they deserve but that she is unable to give to them. Sad, really. When they get burned by the BM flame, over and over again, they lick their wounds and flock back to the BM again, hoping against hope that "this time she'll be different."

In other words, "This time she'll give me the love I so crave."

There's nothing that DH and I can do but watch the sick dance. We realize that there are no words that will bring those desperate kids (now adults) out of their BM fairy tale and into a sane reality.

BMs have incredible power. They really do.

Well, after my little chat with the princess, and after they had their conversation with the crazy BM, DH took her outside for a private 'chat'.

This is what DH told me transpired:
*SD actually agreed with most of what I said (how 'bout that?)
but she's just SO frustrated with her mother, she doesn't know
HOW to express herself, so she vents by including BOTH parents
in her 'my life sucks' world view
*DH explained to her that while her emotions were valid in
feeling frustrated at the situation, she could not continue to
take it out on him (and this household) anymore and would
have to find another way to deal with her anger and
disappointment with her mother (DH takes her to therapy, by the
way)
*DH reiterated to her that he or I would no longer tolerate her
disrespect in any way (the back-talk, the attitude, the walking
way, etc) and there would be SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES from both of
us if we saw that type of behavior in the future.

At this point, DH is not going to try to reason with her any more, as he has in the past. He would spend hours trying the "Danny Tanner" approach- it never worked.

Now he's just going to demand respect or she'll deal with the consequences. And she's not happy about them. But he really doesn't care. As DH told me a few weeks ago (in an epiphany of sorts), "I really don't care if she thinks I'm an asshole. But she will do what I say. And if she curses me, it better damn well be under her breath. I obviously can't control what she thinks of me. But I can control how she treats me (and you) while she is living in our home."

This is definitely a HUGE turning point in DH and I am so very proud of him. In the past, if I ever would have dared done this to SD (his princess) all hell would have broken loose between us! But this time, after he was done with her, he came right upstairs to make sure I was alright and to reassure me that everything was going to be ok.

I'm not expecting much in terms of SDs behavior changing (as she's JUST like her horrible BM) but I will keep my fingers crossed that my wonderful DH has finally seen the light and keeps up this terrific attitude in his parenting.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

On my first every visit with SD - she got a smart mouth with her dad and I looked at her like she was nuts and told her hey dad asked you a question, ah whatever is not an answer, after she had been being cool to me all day as well - you should have seen her jump to attention. I think as long as parents whether they are bio, step whatever stick together these kids get the message. I know when I was a kid running back and forth btwn mom and dad was not an option they always presented a united front! That was refreshing to hear that your DH came to talk to you and was concerened about your well being...

that he was concerned not that he never did it before or anything - just wanted to make that clear.

whats up with these kids and therapy?
and how did u feel when u let her have it?

I can definitely see the value of therapy. It CAN work.

My younger son was going through a very serious bout of depression a few years back, so I took him to a therapist (actually a few of them). Finally I found one associated with our pediatrician. After working on a weekly basis with him for a few weeks, she told me that we should have him evaluated by a psychiatrist, because she felt strongly there was something more serious going on that was beyond her scope of expertise.

Turns out she was right, and thankfully so! The deep depression he was suffering from, brought out childhood bi-polar in my son! This presents itself very differently in younger children and is hard to diagnose. My son went through intensive therapy and went on medication.

He has been syptom-free for several years now (thank God). If he's kind to his body and stays away from drugs and alcohol, the bi-polar could stay in a kind of 'remission', so for now we just keep our fingers crossed and pray!

So therapy for him was a Godsend.

However, for the 'princess', she uses therapy as a reason to manipulate the therapist. Honestly, it's a complete waste of time and money, because her father made her go and she had no interest in going ('there's nothing wrong with ME- it's everyone's else's fault').

She says the 'right' things in front of her therapist and presents herself as the pictre-perfect child with no issues. Finally, my DH had to stop the therapist and tell her that she was being completely hoodwinked by her!

Anyway, in answer to your question, I felt NOTHING after I let her have it. It didn't make me feel any better. And I didn't do it because I knew it WOULD make me feel better- I did it because I simply reached by breaking point with her treating my DH like complete garbage.

I know she's not going to change. She sat there, staring completely emotionless the entire time. And deep in my heart, I know she's not capable of change, because she's a little version of her BM.

But I really don't care at this point. What I DO care about is that she WILL not treat my DH with disrespect in our home. If she wants to grow up to be a lazy, lying, manipulative, scheming, immoral, trashy, low-life adult with no regard for anyone but herslf, then she's going to have a very sad and lonely life. And I pity her.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis