Step Talk

My Dh has primary custody of ss so he has plenty of clothes here that he has picked out that fit. I don't always agree with what he chooses but unless it's waaaay out there I let him have his individuality. His mom just bought these shorts and he told her at the store but she didn't listen to him.

We used to have to bring a change of clothes with us whenever we were picking him up from his mom's and not going home first but I figure that ss's almost 13 and should be able to know what he is embarrassed about wearing and communicate that. I'm sure he will want to change when he gets home from summer band.

Let me ask you this. Do you think that my ss at 13 has more say in his schedule than say if he were 6? He has some opinions in this matter but we never know what to say to him. He's obviously afraid to tell him mom how he feels. He is resigned to be depressed about it until he is 18. I would hate to see that.

Maybe if we got the issue resolved about ss's mom not listening to him, he would be happier when he has to be there.

So now the question is how?

Dawn

I can't wrap my mind around mom not listening to him about the clothes, but then again, I am like you- unless it's outrageous "wear whatever you want". It just seems like such a stupid thing for her to battle with her kid about.

I don't know about kids choosing their visitation, in some families it could work, in others not so much, example- Anne's stepkids.

As far as him speaking up with mom, that's a hard one. Who knows what would work- for him or for mom to listen to him. I can tell you that if my son were having issues being assertive and counseling wasn't a viable option, I would be looking at confidence builders, like a teen leaders group, or a fun mini boot camp type of thing, martial arts maybe....

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

Yes, I have suggested that ss go back to counseling. We have also thought about signing him up for martial arts but ss says he doesn't want to do it. Should we tell him to try it and if he doesn't like it he can quit?

Dawn

That's what I always tell my kids. Is there something he IS interested in doing?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

he's getting to the age where all he wants to do is sleep and play video games. He is in band, however, and seems to like that but doesn't want to put forth any extra effort. He could be really, really good if he put some more work into it.

I emailed Dh and told him about the martial arts thing. There is a place right down the street from our house. I think we'll call and get some details.

Ss seems to talk about martial arts like he likes the idea, just not the effort! Kids these days!!!

Dawn

That is exactly where my son is at in life! He'll be 13 in January. I loaded him up HAHAHAHA...chores during the day, karate 2x per week, logrolling class, YMCA bikers on Mondays, teen leaders on Tuesdays. He argued it tooth and nail at first, but now he loves them all.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

We used to do summer library but he got too old and they told him he couldn't sign up anymore after last year.

So the only thing he has is summer band. Oh, and Boy Scouts! You would think that would be good but it's like after he leaves the meetings, he doesn't think about it again until the next meeting.

His mom has never, ever singed him up for anything. Even the free things.

Dawn

but he said that Bm will ground him if he tries to speak his mind. Unfortunately, Bm only lives 3 min. from us so ss has to go there every Thur. and 1st and 3rd weekends. I told him that if that happened that his dad would call his mom. Ss said she wouldn't listen to dad. I said then dad would call again. Ss said then his mom wouldn't answer the phone.

So you see, he's not going to do it.

Maybe he needs to see Dh tell Bm about this stuff so he knows that someone will stand up for ss against Bm. I don't know.

Dawn

I think that my ss has a self esteem problem. Here, he is always talking about how wonderful he and smart and strong, etc. he is. It almost sounds like over compensation to me. It gets to be annoying after awhile.

I really think we will try the martial arts thing. Maybe they have some kind of a trial period. We don't want to force him to stay in if he hates it! That would be no better than Bm.

Dawn