Step Talk

When you come into this commuity and attack any respected member of this site, especially one that many of knows personally, and then continue to argue your point, there is not much leinenicy for the perpetrator. You say you know what we go through, I highly doubt that. Your life seems like a bed of roses compared to the despair people like goingcrazy have been through. Please do not presume that we do not care, we do, that is in fact, the very reason so many people responded so passionately.

~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~

I didn't attack anyone, and I was answering posts directed at me.

Bed of roses? LOL, I wish.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

You came here as a "Certified Mediator in the State of Wisconsin" per your own bio. This is my gripe. If you want to be here in your professional capacity, you're probably not going to get much of a welcome. If you hadn't used your business name as your screen name and if you'd put in your bio "former stepmother," rather than listing your occupation, you would have probably been regarded as any other newbie. We'd have filled you in and gone from there. There is a sort of unwritten protocol that most people seem to follow here. Most of us started out by introducing ourselves and giving some background first. The ones who start out by pronouncing unfair judgments on others without knowing their story and without sharing a little about themselves first don't tend to last long here, for obvious reasons.

Jane Smith, former stepmother, joining to share her experiences and to commiserate with others in a like situation is not the same as Gestalt Mediation, Certified Mediator in the State of Wisconsin. If you can't see that, then I certainly can't help you.

It's a big internet. I'll avoid you if you avoid me.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

Mediation that is...I haven't read a post or experianced first hand for my family mediation working out in a positive way. I do know that the majority of judges these days prefer to send parties to mediation to "work out" their disagreements but this just so rarely works. I would invite you and all mediators to really read and listen to all of our posts here. It is like beating your head against a wall when you are a caring step parent. The courts can say what they like...I know that by law we are only "legal strangers" but these were the laws that were adopted many many years ago when the success rate of marriage was just so high. The national journel for the judicial system recently posted an article about how the acceptance of the second marriage and it's subsiquent impact on the family court system. Although the laws have yet to change there are more and more judges awarding visitation for step parents based on the human relationship that has been developed. A child can be adopted by a parent...not be biological to them at all...and still feel that the parent is the parent in every way to them based on this human connection. A step parent that cares about the child/ren is no different.
A father is also looked down upon by most mediators. If the deffinition of a mediator is to be an impartial person to both parties then why is it that comments from mediatiors are so quickly to take a side in conversations? I had a social worker and not ever did she tell me that I was or wasn't something but would ask me to answer her what I thought I was. Now, that is impartial.
My husband is a great dad. He loves his daughter and she is failing school because her mother refused to do the right thing by her but people like you think that it is okay just because she is the mom. Well, what about what the child is being put through. I am just saying.....I read the posts there with goingcrazy She was the mom there. Legally step or not....SHE WAS THE MOM!!! That does not get to just turn off because someone says that she is the "legal stranger". Would the courts and mediators like it if the step parents alienated the step children so that they didn't develop that parental bond? You do realize that this would make the child feel unwanted and rejected? So which in a professional opinion is the best interest of the child???
My husband went to a mediator and the mediator literral said to him "well, she is the mom and that needs to be considered". WTF. He is the dad!!! What do you say to fathers then in your professional opinion???

I am not trying to attack you here. You have a right to your opinions as do the rest of us. I am only wondering if your profession tends to down play us step parents and non custodial parents then why are you here? Your profile doesn't say that you are a bio parent or a step parent. Do you think that you can help us understand something that 99% of us just don't get or something?

I am ony trying to see your position.

See, just like everyone else...I have had some roller coaster days and talking to people here and getting feedback in a safe envirnment has helped me remain sain so many times. Being a step parent is like watching a car crash from a glass box. We know what is happening and what will be next but no one can hear us screaming. We just have to stand there and watch everyone just get hurt!

Oh, and btw....I don't know any parent that is divorced and disagreeing that like each other no matter what the circumstances. It would be like if you had a boss that told you to do the wrong job over and over and then yelling at you each time for doing it wrong...wouldn't you grow to hate your boss??? Just because there is a child there you can not change human emotion. You try to keep it out of decisions but when one parent does the wrong things that put the child in a bad position I know I would fight like hell wouldn't you?

I love this: "I do this partly by refocusing their energy towards productive avenues and behaviors for the future rather than allowing them to stew on emotions of the past. This is how I live my life and it does work for me."

Ok maybe this has worked for you in the past. And that would be great if we could all have that attitude and it REALLY ACTUALLY WORKED - IT DOESNT. That is great advice but what do you do WHEN THE BM IS A CERTIFIED PSYCHO THAT CAN NOT BE REASONED WITH or IS SOME STRUNG OUT CRACK WHORE? Does everything to undermine your relationship, treat your DH like he is the slime of the earth, call him for every little thing, ask for money, use the child as a pawn and makes your life a LIVING GOD DAMN HELL???? I will try to take your advice and not stew about it. Thanks!!!

Right before and ended soon after I joined.

So let me just say that I will reiterate that I didn't disagree with everything you said GS, just the manner which it was said. It did come across as presumptuous, and it appeared you didn't read through some of GC's past blogs before giving what appeared to be a professional, and therefore unbiased opinion. That's the thing.

We are not professionals. We are from a school of hard knocks here. If we give advice we are always (most of us) careful to try to understand the whole story before jumping to our past experience based (or in your case professionally based) opinions. Therefore we are in fact biased. We are BM's and SM's here. So sometimes I respond as a BM, sometimes as a SM and sometimes (most of the time actually since I never was good at compartmentalizing) all of the above.

Recently, I commented on a new comer's blog that she seemed to have an anger issue with her DH's past. That she should seek professional help to make sure that didn't eat her up inside. And my fear in her case, was that her SD would pick up on her negative feelings about the BM and the SD, even if this SM thought she was covering them well.

That's almost literally word for word what I said. Maybe I even said it more gingerly, you'll have to look it up or ask one of my ST friends who came to my defense when this woman attacked me for "attacking" her.

So what's the difference? I had already established a reputation here as being gently honest, and non-judgmental. My friends commented to her that she misunderstood me. However, the new comer had decided I was against her immediately and that was that. Bellacita had the best comment I can recall now. She said it again to you I believe (I'd have to read back and admit that I'm a little tired right now.) She said that newbies don't really know the group and can get defensive when their posts are questioned in any way. I think that's exactly what happened to you. And perhaps in defending your position you lost your own professional "un" bias yourself.

I took that opportunity to remind myself of an unspoken rule of this site that I had really already figured out, but forgot in responding to a poster who did say in the last sentence of her blog

"Help."

I took that as an invitation to give advice.

It was not.
So here's the "rule to which I am referring.

When you are new, or addressing someone new...

Say hi
Welcome
and vent away

For a little while anyway until they feel safe.

I think for you what happened is were new, never really introduced yourself, then stated your opinion in a factual way. I think when people saw your screenname and knew you were likely a mediator, they felt you were giving a professionally based opinion, which is not the nature of this site. And I they (well me included) felt protective of their well established friend, who's history, dedication, and patience with their tragic situation was well documented for us all for a very long time.

So I will leave you with this.

Take the time to know us. We are amazing, intelligent, educated, supportive, nurturing, compassionate, at times hilarious, group of women, who are wading our way through the most difficult and under appreciated "profession." No it isn't stay at home moms, though I'm one of those two. It is in fact the role of SM.

If you did go through this you know what I'm saying is true.

And if you did you also can understand I hope, how sometimes all the unbiased professional training in the world can't prepare you for a real life tragedy.

This is the life GC is living.

So stay if you wish, but get to know us a little without jumping to conclusions. If you can do that, then I promise you the same from all of us in return.

If you just want to continue demanding we agree with you, or we don't know what we're talking about, and getting defensive...

then I don't think you are in the right place.

We get our fill of that from BMs SKs judges, GALs, Mediators, teachers, psychologists...

but not from anyone here.

This is a safe haven for SMs. That's all it is. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Thanks for reading all this if you did.

Oh- and I don't know if the poster I am referring to is here anymore. I did apologize, but not in a PM. I did it on the post for all to see. To me that is the only valid way to do so. That poster did not respond to me on the site or through PM either.

Perhaps you didn't hear from GC because she may have been a bit overwhelmed that her original post was hijacked into chaos. Not to speak for her. But she did get awful quiet.

Hope she read onto to see she was my hero.

But I digress.

Peace, Love, and Red Wine

Zen

Thank you Zen! I really appreciate your post. I agree totally that my factual manner does often times take people off guard. I honestly didn't think I was being defensive, I wasn't feeling defensive, more like baffled, every time I addressed a point in question, 3 more people were there with 3 more observations.

I also want everyone to know that I do not demand anyone agree with me, explaining my point to those who obviously misunderstood is much different than me just expecting everyone to agree with what I say.

I am a firm believer in take what you can use and leave the rest. People are different, what works for one won't work for another.

Thank you for taking the time and effort to share those thoughts and observations with me. I will try to be a bit gentler in my approach. I'm me so this is normal, I need to remember to be a little less me sometimes.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

But I am not on this site to mediate with BM. I came here to vent about things to people who totally understand where I am coming from. From other SM's going through what I went through. Talk and vent about our experiences with skids, BM's, DH, and the abuse some of us experienced due to the hands of a pro BM court.

As far as mediation with BM. The BM I deal with is a unreasonable crazy fruit loop whom even the Judge said was difficult. The exact wording was "recalcitrant" and a person who misrepresented herself in court. she perjured herself in court on 2 occasions yet only got her hands slapped. She has been allowed to avoid paying the thousands of dollars in CS arreages that she has incurred. Yet the courts allow this woman to bully my DH and this woman has become our own personal terrorist. So my situation is beyond mediation. This woman abandoned the children and moved around the world. She only calls once or twice a year to terrorize my home. I don't need to try to reason with crazy. I come here to vent or I will blow up. The least thing I want to hear and the worse advice is to tell me as a SM, owner of my home, mother of my skids, the one busting my ass to raise 3 chilren to sit back stay out of it and mind my own business. Sorry but I disagree about eveything you told GC. I am one that will tell you flat out if I want to shout inside my own home to anyone disrupting my home I will do so. I refuse to be censored especially in my own home......period.

I don't know how anyone else feels about this but I personally challenge you to get more insight by really sitting back and really reading what we have gone through as Step Parents. Maybe if you can really get some insight of the BS we all go through with BM's and how closed minded the court systems are with our situations then maybe you might actually be able to really help some one dealing with the Professional Victim BM's that we have to deal with.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

ok i dont know you and you dont know me, but this much i do know, i am new here too and i have found the people here to be very friendly and helpful since the lose of my son on new years eve.but do you honestly think that people can just ignore a bio parent so easily when if you do try they just make it impossible?i dont know if you are still a mediator or not but good lord if you are you REALLY need a few more lessons in how this whole step parent bio parent thing works outside the court room, if you do get both parties to agree to anything it wont be long before one or both break the agreement!!!telling people to just ignore the pycho/crack whore is NOT going to work it is only going to piss off the crazy person more therefore making an already messed up situation a dangerous one!!!

You are too funny!!! ROFLMAO

And after Kumbaya- we can sit by the campfire and make smores!
I agree I have long ago given up on being any type of friendly w/BM- I tried for years and excused her every backhanded manipulative action as a women scorned but there comes a time for reality to set in...atleast for those of us who live on earth(BM has her own little world)have to be realistic and say- we can't change them, to understand them we may have to be insane-which they are trying in some of our cases to get us there, and for most- I am only speaking for myself here- I could not imagine caring less for another human being as I do this female at this point-I love my SD, we have a wonderful relationship that I am very thankful for but every thing we have is inspite of BM who would rather be in her constant pitty party of 1-
I come here to keep myself from constantly wanting to reach out and touch someone - in a negative way(even if I call for Cru's frying pan), this is one of the few things I do for myself and only myself.

There is no reason where logic does not exist