First of all THANK YOU to all of you wonderful women who have helped me and been there to support me through all of this. I can not tell you how much I appreciate you all and value your support. Being here has made me become a stronger person and has made me feel like I am not alone. As many of you know I had it out with my FH upon discovering that the has been paying for his ex g/f's FROM 15 years ago cell phone. We had a big blow out and I thought we had it all figured out. Well the BM really threw us for a loop because now she will not return his calls at all - and we are not leaving messages because we do not want her to play them to SD to make herself out like the victim or use them against us in some way. So HER phone is still on and my FH has not disconnected it. We have started fighting again and he has started backpedaling and telling me that I am being silly about the whole thing and it will get taken care of. That is when I stopped talking to him and slept in the other room. He has been trying to be nice to me but I been "tolerate" of his presecnce for the past 3 days but yesterday I wrote him a 4 page later because I felt if I didn't say anything I was going to explode so instead of having yet another argument and making myself sick again and I gave it to him at work. When he came home we did not speak until we both went to bed and he said he did not understand why I was so angry. I told him you have a "relationship" with this woman and even though it is not physical you still allow her to call you and bully you, call you to ask you directions, the number to places, etc. she acts like you are her husband or something. I said you have a problem letting this continue. You have just tried to ignore her, not answer her calls, etc. hoping that she will go away and 15 years later she is still playing the same game. He then shocked me by saying "I have a problem". I said we can not handle this on our own and I believe we need a 3rd party intervention. He again said he does not know why he hasn't had the nerve to put his foot down and that he needs help. He says he does not know why he has allowed this to continue. He asked if I meant couples counseling and I said yes and he said sign me up (we have same insurance as we work for the same company) I will go any day that you want I don't want to lose you and I am very afraid because I know you are right. BUT then he turns around and still says this is silly EVEN AFTER ADMITTING FINALLY THAT HE HAS A PROBLEM! WTF. So I have called a counselor that comes highly recommended for couples from several friends and we are having our 1st appointment in a day or two. I told him that this is the end that he has to stand up and get this person out of OUR lives and quit taking her shit or he is to move out that I want my life back w/out him in it. I would like to know if you guys think this is agreeable - this is what I am going to ask the counselor for help in - and I really do not think that it is too much to ask. 1) Since he has not turned the phone off yet to have it turned off by the next billing period 7/22; (even thought I really want to disconnect that bitches phone now) 2) That he give her OUR have number and tell her that if there is something URGENT with SD than she can call OUR home and 3) She is absolutely not to call his cell phone again unless it is an EMERGENCY; 4) She is not to call him on his work phones unless it is an absolute EMERGENCY. If she calls for ANY OTHER REASON he stops the conversation and hangs up. As I read this I feel that all this SHOULD be acceptable. Wish me luck - I will let you all know how counseling goes. This all just makes me want to PUKE. Thanks again everyone! xoxo! EMA
WOW!!
What an awesome first step for him to make!!!! Good luck in counseling!
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
I think it's great...
I started going to counseling as well when I first seriuosly started questioning whether or not I was to leave my husband. I loved him so much but the situation was draining me emotionally and financially.
I learned sooo much about BM's mental illness and proper ways of dealing with her. It also opened the door for my forgiveness of DH for the much heartache that was indirectly caused by his poor choices in life. An unruly BM can cause so much stress on a man's current relationship.
I hope it works out for you two!
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Good luck
and I think that ALL your requests are reasonable.
sounds reasonable to me
He should not be paying her bill and it is not silly, your feelings should matter and shrugging them off does not help resolve the issue.
FH BD used to call constantly on our "date" night, we have a date every friday night and the kids know that should not call unless absolutely neccessary..or that was what they were supposed to be told, however BD must not have gotten the message, cuz she would call hang up (FH did not answer) call hang up call hang up then FH would pick up the call, in the MIDDLE of our dinner. "what time our you picking us up?" WTF for 4 years we picked them up at 10:30pm.
every friday...same time..
I was livid I had to get up and go to the bathroom before I blew a casket.
after I counted to 3 million I went back to the table and told him that he either tells her to stop calling or he can start having dinner by himself.
she is 15 y/o for crying out loud.
well he is not eating dinner alone so hopefully your SO will not be living alone
sorry to have stolen your post..
keep us update especially if you get great advice from the counselor.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I had to do this also
exactly like you are ding. I demanded my DH get counseling and that I would not continue on as we were if he didn't. Your FH needs to follow through with counseling even if he thinks it's stupid. I'm PM'ing my cell home # to you if you need to talk.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Good for you!
The only thing I did differently when we were going through the incessant-calling-to-scream-at-us thing was had all of our other numbers changed and put in my name and we gave BM only DH's cell phone to call. That way, she could always get ahold of him in case of emergency, but the rest of our family didn't have to experience our home phone ringing off the hook or hear her vitriolic voice mails when we checked our messages. I think you are doing the right thing, for whatever my opinion is worth. The more power you give her to invade your life, the more unhappy you'll be. I'm all for open communication between parties, but when it crosses the line, you have to take your life back.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Counseling is definitely the right step
A good counselor won't tell you what to do, but help you to understand both of your contributions to the issues. I think more people should do it before they get married.
Good call. Goodluck!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Desperatly Seeking Counselor - SD here next week!
Well the counselor has not called back and I'm kinda freaking out right now because her receptionist said she would try to fit me/him in. Now I have to spend the next few days with someone that I resent (FH). It's gonna be a long weekend ya know. I'm trying really hard to not dislike him so much right now but it is so hard. I am not going to argue with him because I hope all these things can come out in counseling. The part I am freaking out about right now is SD15 is coming out to stay with us for 5 days next week starting thursday and I have so much resentment towards her dad and I don't want her to see that. I don't know SD that well because this is only her 3rd visit but we do get along really well. The fact that I want to scream your mother is a psychotic bitch keeps coming to mind though - which of course I would never do! LOL. I just don't know how to get through the visit. Do I smile and act like everything is ok - do I just let them go do their own thing or do I join in a little? He talked about driving down to LA and staying there for a couple of days - maybe he should just go with her. One thing I hate to do is be fake but I certainly don't want to upset SD - I mean it is not her fault her mom is crazy. I'm really conflicted right now and I am kicking myself for not doing the counseling gig back in march when I was first made aware of all the phone calls. Well we can't go back we can only go forward right
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this visit? I'm really looking forward to going to counseling and getting all this issues out in the open and hopefully getting them resolved but I know it can't be fixed in a week. Thanks to all of you - I appreciate all your support - if any of you ever need a shoulder to cry on I am here for all of you as well! xoxo
Do what feels comfortable.
I think that's all you can do, ema. If you think you'd be more comfortable making yourself scarce this time, then do it. I've had to balance my skids' visits during horrible fights between me and DH and between DH and their mother and for me, I forgot a lot of it as soon as I saw them. But they were small and loveable. I don't think you get the warm, fuzzy feeling from your SD that I got from my skids, do you?! I say go with your gut and do what feels good for you. I really don't think there's a wrong choice here.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Ema
Sorry if I come off a bit strong. But let me get this straight. He needs counseling to stand up to BM? No offense honey but what a crock!! He doesn't seem to have a problem standing up to you. It sounds to me he is enjoying the attention from BM and you. What will this counseling accomplish? Will it help him with his "problem" or will it help you swallow this load of crap he is feeding you? I still say go to counseling but go for the right reasons. Don't let anyone try to make this a problem you created.
You need to really take a good hard look. If he has a "problem" standing up to BM than marriage with this man will never work. You will always come second and this witch knows the power she has over your man. No one that hates his ex would ever pay for a cell phone for her.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
No offense at all!
Oh no offense taken!
Counseling is my last ditch effort before I (literally) throw in the frying pan! I can tell myself that I did EVERYTHING possible in MY power to make this work. I have no excuses for him and I am not making excuses for him - yes he is THAT DUMB. Since i can't get a counseling appt today - this weekend is going to be the house of horrors for him - I am going to get this straightened out NOW. I have warned him on several occasions what a bitch I am but he has never seen it. I'm old school and it is coming out now - I'm going ghetto on his ass now - he won't know what the hell hit him. I pulled myself out of the gutter, had a baby at 17, raised him by myself after I kicked his dad to the curb, worked and did whatever I needed to provide and get us through to the next meal. At that time any man gave me one bit of trouble he was GONE. I got my business degree and have done very well for myself and now have a beautiful home that I OWN - and think I have turned myself in to a little proper lady 
. Well the hell with that EMA is back to her OLD self and this fool does not even know what he has coming!
You Go Girl
and stay strong!!! I guess my old cranky butt don't take much anymore either. I feel like I heard and seen it all. Some of this BS we get fed is so beyond stupid. I bet you if it were you paying for some ex's cell phone you would have hell to pay with BF.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Wooooo...you go girlie!!!!
Wooooo...you go girlie!!!! Lord, I pity the fool. I agree with you. The counselor is going to straighten his butt right out, as well. Then he'll have to eat his words that he used when he called you "silly" (which we all know was just his way of deflecting the blame from himself and onto you).
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