Step Talk

Ex's have no place in the home of the new spouse unless specifically invited. Now that 3 weeks has gone by though, I'm not sure what could be said. Are you and mom on speaking terms normally?

I grew up spending summers in Ocean City and romping all over the Eastern seaboard of MD- it IS truly beautiful!!!!

As far as her talking bad about dad- the only thing you can both do is prove what she says is a lie by the way you live, and it sounds like you are doing just that.

There is no such thing as "speaking terms" between us. There are so many times when the kids come to me to talk about the things that bother them about their mother, and I want to just call her and help her through it, try to help her understand them better. I could never do that, because she thinks that since I have no children of my own, that I have no idea how to parent, thus I have no respect from her. I'm not sure why I need to have that validated, except from the fact that her own children are being raised by me half the time.

We try very hard to make our home environment a learning one. The children are discplined and they have responsibilities during the day.
If they don't take on their responsibilities, they lose priveliges. I don't believe just sending them to their room to think about it is good enough. We discuss it, they still get punished, but I make sure they understand the full consequences of their actions. I'm not one of those people who lets them off the hook, oh no. They get punished, they lose their priveleges that they are given, they lose any allowance they might have accumulated during the week. I'm certainly not a pushover, and they know it. The sad thing is, I think they like it. They like the discipline. The structure makes them feel secure. Sometimes I go overboard - like after she came into my house uninvited - They now have daily jobs (we don't call them chores) to keep the house clean at all times. Sucks for them, but, I told them NO ONE was allowed in the house if me or their father was there - this includes BM! Consequences.

I told my husband that if he didn't discuss this with her, that the next time she entered my house uninvited, I would file trespassing charges against her. My name is on the house 50/50 with his, and I have every right to do that. Maybe that will get him to stand up. Might backfire on me, but that is a chance I am willing to take at this point.

BM did that once, right after DH and I got married. We were out and my BD was sitting w/SD. BM called and didn't get an answer so she showed up, walked in my house and got SD(she knew DH and I were out). I told my dh that if he didn't handle this situation I would! There is no way I want this woman in my house without my permission and if she ever does that again I will call the police. If he wouldn't put a stop to this then I would, this is your home too, not just your husband and his kids.

I don't get involved with BM unless she crosses my boundries then it's on! You don't have to be snotty with your DH about this, just let him know where the line is, once it's crossed all bets are off. He will either stand up to her or get out of the way. I wouldn't worry too much about what she says about you or DH, consider the source and let it go. The kids will figure this stuff out on their own, trust me.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

BM tried that once...... never again since I almost squashed her foot in the door- I told DH from the get go that our home will be a BM free zone(with much more creative language), up until this past year she was allowed up to the porch but as she will not stop her bs games I put a no tresspass on her so now she can not step foot onto out property and pulls in front to p/u SD
Its a beautiful thing to know I will never again have to open my door to see her face!

There is no reason where logic does not exist

To the Skids that they not allow this woman in the house. I don't care if she is the mother or not. Otherwise you put the smaller child in daycare and find a grumpy babysitter for the oldest.

I would flat out tell BM that NO ONE including her is allowed in the house when you are not home. It is not her house it is yours.

You know I had a similiar situation with BM's oldest children from her first marriage. They would just drop by anytime they felt like it at all hours of the night with no notice. The oldest would go through my skids things ask a ton of BS questions as he were CPS. My husband sat there and did nothing for about 3-4 times. He just kept asking them to please call before coming over. I almost kicked DH out of my house because if he isn't going to protect our family from this harrassment then who will. My skids complained about the intrusion. The last time they came over he finally put his foot down. He told themm for now on to call at least a few days before they wanted to see the kids and arrange for a time they can meet in a public place to allow them visitation. The last time they came over it was Christmas day and they just "dropped by". They were nasty with both DH and I on several occasions They don't just stay for a few minutes the year before they totally ruined our plans by staying for hours. I told them I was the owner of this house and I didn't appreciate the intrusion. One of the guys admitted they were spying for BM!!! Well that was stupid because now they are not allowed in my home. They totally refuse to make prior arrangemens with DH so they are SOL. We haven't heard from them since. I had a no trespassing letter written and ready the next time they dropped in because I was getting ready to file charges. I am the owner of the house not DH. If he wouldn't stand up to them I was going to let them have it.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

I believe 100% that any confrontations with BM over the skids should be done by DH. This isn't about the skids. This is about her invading your home and your privacy, so I believe that YOU are perfectly justified in saying something to her yourself if your DH won't grow a set and do it for you.

Send her an email or a letter that just says, "BM, I am given to understand that you entered my home when you picked the skids up on whatever date. In the future, please do not enter our home when we are not there or without our prior consent. We have advised the children that they are to let no one, even you, into our home when we are not there. This is a boundary we have established to protect them, ourselves and unwelcome visitors. I am sure you understand and, of course, I would never enter your home when you are not there. Thank you." If she does it again after you've asked her not to, have her arrested for trespass.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

You know.....I am so worried about what the kids will think of me if I am a bit** and get all bent out of shape because BM comes in my house uninvited....but, after reading some of everyones "adventures" I don't think it matters. I am going to have to nip this one in the bud. SD13 has a key to the house, she lives with us full time..... whose to say that BM won't drop her off and just sashay her fat butt through my house, criticizing me for everything. When they aren't there....my house is clean, and I am at peace....when they come back....it's a mess and I am a frantic mess trying to keep up with it. I know it seems silly, but I thought I was the only one that had to deal with this. I guess that is my lack of experience as a parent showing. Anyway, I am glad that you all shared your experiences with me. I really do appreciate it.

exchanges would occur if we were not home, ever, period. Try that. If the timing isn't convenient for her, too bad. I'd make SD leave that key w/you before she leaves. My skids always had a key, but BM snuck it out of their backpack and made a copy......who knows why. I instantly changed the locks and told the skids they MUST leave their key by the back door when they left. Good luck and you will always have friends here!

is how i would feel. BM has no right to your house, and has the same rights to entering your house as a stranger walking down the road. Even thought it is 3 weeks later, I would still shoot off an e-mail, or have Dh shoot one off explaining that what she did was inappropriate, and that under no circumstances should she do that again going forward, unless she was to be brought up on trespassing charges. Thank goodness we live in an apt building, and there is no way our BM would be able to sneak in even if she tried.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:

At the suggestion of Anne, I sent BM an email stating the inappropriateness of her actions and that her and DH needed to coordinate times to pick up kids when an adult was present. Here's the best part..... they are on vacation in NC (yup, they can afford to go to NC, can we - no - we are having a staycation this year) and when she gets back and reads her email, she will be livid (I honestly believe she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did - my theory is her kids are there, so she has the right to come in if she pleases) and will completely flip out at my husband (what exactly is "DH" ?? I got an answer, but probably not what everyone else is thinking) and thus, I will have thrown him under the bus. There are underlying issues here, if you haven't figured out yet. I am more pissed that he didn't confront the issue at the start, and claims he didn't cause he didn't want to upset the kids. I just think he is afraid of her - I always tell him to grow a set and stand up to her. Then I get to thinking that he doesn't respect me, because he won't stand up for me to her, and then I get resentful and pissy, and all that other stuff. This whole being the second wife thing makes me feel like I am the "second string". As my father used to say, "I feel like the redheaded step child" (funny 9YO SD is a redhead)
My plans are always trumped by BM. Really ticks me off. I am sure that is usually the case. If their father would stand up to BM, it would teach the girls that it's OK to speak your mind. Wow, I certainly have a lot of issues. I giggle to myself now, and I can't wait for them to get back from vacation.......You know....I'm not telling hubby that I sent an email....

Geez, sounds like my DH. Just gave ex $2,500 b.c. she was "going to lose the house". Tough I say - she blew all her $, doesn't work, gets c.s. every month, why did he do that? And he offered to pay mortgage until house sells & then get paid back. Double Geez! Turns out she needed more downpayment on rental house for vacation in August. Her house is a shambles, not going on the market any time soon, DH was a sucker & I'm left shell shocked. My suggestion to DH was this: get boys over here, our household is doing fine & we will take them til she figures things out. But no he couldn't do that. What does it take for them to see the truth? If she came into our house, it would be the same as your post, I'd be pissed, boys would think "Its my Mom", DH would be quiet.

Your describing how alot of us feel on here. BTW dh=Darling husband. Just keep standing up for yourself, because unfortunately it's a process to get the respect you truly deserve. Your DH probably doesnt not mean to treat you like your second to the BB, but it totally does come off that way when they don't stand up for you. he will learn. The thing I have learned, is that you must stand up for yourself, weather or not anyone else will or not, because if you just let it go, then it will never end and you will basically turn into a doormat. This may cause arguments, but if Dh is committed to you, he will back you up in time. Like many men (yes, I'm stereotyping) he probably doesn't realize where the boundaries are, and you will have to show him where they are.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:

Here is what DH received from BM in response to my email. I am not surprised, and I laugh because she is just an idiot.

"You know Al, I was really shocked and upset to get this email. It seems to me that you and I have been trying to work together on everything about the girls. We try to compromise whenever we can, and help each other out with pickups and issues. You come to my house and walk right into the bathroom without even asking. I asked Kenz if I could use the restroom, she said of course. I walked through the girls' room, used the bathroom, and walked back through their room. I stood by the front door, while they packed, talked to both you AND Carolyn. Then I was even nice enough to stop so that they can say goodbye to her. Little did I know that she was reaming them out for letting me use the bathroom. I wouldn't have stopped if I had known they were getting in trouble for such a ridiculous thing. I didn't realize I was so dangerous to the girls. Carolyn didn't need to consult her lawyer about this. Nor did she need to go to all of the trouble of setting up a new email, her ccoyle04 would have been fine, along with a simple request to urinate on the lawn instead of in the toilet would have been sufficient. The thing that bothers me most is that the girls are in trouble for a COMMON COURTESY that we ALWAYS show you when you are here!"

There are so many things that I want to say, I just don't know where to start.

I don't have this issue with my skids BM, but my husband has this problem with my ex. My ex loves to walk in like he owns the place, sometimes early in the morning when we're still in bed (he takes our oldest son to the gym on occasion). This burns DH up to no end. DH even wanted to change our garage door access code when he found out my ex had it (my oldest son gave it to him - and the ex does often drop things off in the garage for the boys - mostly because he forgot to bring whatever it is when we did the exchange). Anyway, after months of complaining about this, it happens to come up the other day that DH has a key to BM's house!! I simply turned to him and gave him an incredulous stare. He hasn't brought up the garage door code since!

He does; however, make it a point to ignore my ex when he comes by, and if it's in the morning, DH makes sure he saunters downstairs and walks around in his boxer shorts to try to make the ex uncomfortable (which DH unfortunately does not realize is IMPOSSIBLE as my ex is oblivious to anyone but himself). Ah men - pissing on their territory as it were. Hilarious!

I'm not going to have a popular opinion but I would just tell her via voicemail, email, in person, singing telegram that she is not allowed in my home, period. Maybe that's too drastic for you? But would you allow anyone else that is like her into your home if she wasn't related to your stepchildren? Nope, think not. I try not to think of it as the kids birth-mother and give her the right to act and behave any way she pleases - instead I view HER as the babysitter and me as the primary caregiver (as I'm the one who basically does it all - sound familiar?) and see her as a very annoying intruder into our lives. Our looney-BM isn't allowed past my driveway (and that's a stretch).

Once, in our old home, when I was out (the one she shared with my DH before she left him for her best friend's husband) she came in our home to talk to DH about daycare payment issues - she looked upstairs at our new bedroom furniture, walked around the family room, etc. and ended up bawling her eyes out (unsure why, she's unstable) and ran out the door crying. Maybe the sight of him happy made her freak out. Anyways, I flipped! Never again was my DH to have that woman in my house! --- and I seriously think he got the message, I didn't leave much room for misunderstanding

In THIS house we live in now, she has not gotten past the front doorstep, whether I'm home or not. Even if has been 300 below zero and she's come to pick up the skids, she had the door shut on her and had to stand on the porch. She doesn't get invited in & has to wait, alone, outside & talk to a shut door. She could wait in her car I guess - but no way she's coming in my home. Not after what she has done to my husband and my stepchildren. I don't care about how she treats me, I could run circles around her any day, in any argument...my issue lies with my family and they are #1. I cannot understand stepmoms who let BM's run them over when they have done so many horrible things to themselves, their families, homes, finances, lives, etc. If a total stranger did that, or even a friend betrayed you or hurt your life like that I'm sure there would be retaliation...what's the deal with the BM thing?? I'll never get it.

Anyways, my point is that you need to set some VERY clear boundaries with your husband and let the biobitch know that your property is just that - yours. And if you don't want trash on your property, you can just remove it! There you go - harsh, but it's my classic no-bullshit opinion Hope it helps!

~ Remember it's your life too ~