Those of you who read my past blogs know there's a strange relationship between DH and his middle daughter, 16. However, he's starting to 'see the light' (maybe? fingers crossed).
She's been away at camp for the last 3 weeks and before she went away he was worried about her, so he asked her to check in. Of course, when she FINALLY got her phone back from the camp staff, she did on the first day, but after that, just blew him off (as usual).
Because DH requested that SD call him and she out-and-out disobeyed him, he gave her a consequence that she had to call & check in every morning & every night. He did not care what she had to say- it was simply a CONSEQUENCE of her bad choice not to call him as requested; to teach her to put others first.
As she was told to do on the first night & the next morning, SD did call her dad, but then that night did not. Apparently, now, her brand new $300 cell phone is now BROKEN and she cannot make any calls on it. Coincidence? HMMMMMMMMM? I think not. I think it's more like, "I don't like this rule that big, bad, mean daddy says I have to call him, so now I will devise a plan so I CAN'T call him."
Did she break her new phone on purpose just so she wouldn't have to call? I wouldn't put it past her. She threw her last phone in the toilet because she was mad at her dad (but claims it was an accident- it 'vibrated off the bathroom sink and jumped into the toilet'- does ANYONE believe that????)
Or will her phone mysteriously start working again once she gets home?
And before anyone asks...yes, she CAN text. But, conveniently, she just hasn't.
My thought is she's using someone else's phone to call her mother, because we were checking online to see that she was conveniently calling BM, but not her dad.
DH is just pissed off beyond belief but because he's busy with his oldest daughter (on a college orientation in DC) and the 16-yr-old is playing this "I TRIED to get a hold of you, but I CAN'T" game, he really can't address the problem until she comes back.
Which is Tuesday. And I am SOOOOOO dreading it. The tic in my eye will probably return on Monday....
ick
I hate that feeling....it is like a big fat black cloud over your head.
I feel for you "5" Maybe finding a nice place to go and relax when she gets home ..let DH handle or not handle her.
Last night (not to steal your blog) FH was talking on the phone to his BD and I heard him tell her that he was tired of her making plans to stay at a friends and then not being able to get a ride home AFTER she told him she could ---she hung up on him,
later he asked me if I wanted to ride with him to go get her, I politely declined, said i wanted to finish dishes and some laundry YEAH right...no way did I want to be in that car with those two especially with his BD pissed off.
she was fine when she got to my house but went right upstairs and stayed.
oh well they will be gone tonight yipppeee..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I think I would take the phone away
permanently! Why pay for something she will use against you when convenient. My SD tried that crap and got it taken away for good. Then cried to BM that we were being mean.....boo hiss.
I would do that in a SECOND!
However...
Simple fact. She's not MY daughter.
This is where I will have to just sit back, with fingers still crossed and see how DH handles this new situation.
My guess, he will, as in the past, justify her actions....
"Maybe the phone DID really break." (yeah, right)
"Well, at least we have the insurance plan, so it will only
cost the deuctable, so it's not THAT bad." (how about the
fact that she BROKE it in the first place????)
This is what you get when you are married to an attorney. The way his mind works makes me want to scream. How about the fact that she's an immature BRAT who purposefully broke her phone (or said her phone was broken) and LIED just so she would get out of having to own up to the consequences for her bad behavior in the first place?
That he just seems to forget about. This kid is a manipulator and game player. And she learned it from the master- her BM. And he JUST doesn't see it. It's infuriating.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
He must be a defense
He must be a defense attorney.
you're good, cat!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Seems like
he would think about being played, with being an attorney. Course, he probably also gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. That stinks for you. Do they live w/you or BM? I feel for you. In a case like that, I would probably just have to disengage totally. I wish you luck!
he does. unfortunately too much
It gets to the point where you sometimes have to say, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck."
Even the Parenting Coach that we go to told him flat out that he doesn't NEED 100% proof that she's lying. This isn't a court of law. All he needs is that gut feeling based on her past patterns of behavior to THINK that she's playing the same games and not being honest with him.
In answer to your question, the younger 2 SD (the 'thorn') age 16 and 13 live with us 50% of the time and with the crazy, unstable, emotionally abusive BM the other 50%. The olest SD (almost 18) has been living with us FT since April '07- by her choice because of the issues with her crazy BM.
I have learned to disengage for the most part with the 16-yr-old. We have no relationship. I can hardly look at her. And she doesn't pull any crap with me directly- it's mostly that passive-aggressive nonsense, but I can handle it for the most part.
The younger one and I have a cordial relationship, but I let my DH handle all things relating to 'discipline'.
And the oldest one...we were closer for a while, but I have pulled away with her as well. I stay detached. It's better that way- it's too easy for me too get sucked into the constant drama otherwise.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I know what you mean
I had to pull away from both my SD's b/c they broke my heart EVERY time I got too close, so I learned to just disengage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do b/c I had raised them since they were young. Bm is bi-polar and schizophrenic, so I know about the "crazy" BM stuff. The last yr that SD16 lived w/us, I could not stand to even look at her, much less speak to her. She would lie and steal and break things on purpose, and even though everything would point to her, Dh refused to confront her unless I had "proof". But, what kills me is that he will say something to our BS7 even if he "thinks" he did something wrong. I hate that double standard. I really do feel for ya. Bm is all about drama, and has turned the sds that way too.
Wow, the parenting coach
Wow, the parenting coach said that? That's good. My bf's daughter stole thousands of dollars from him, but because she wasn't caught doing it on video tape he claimed there was nothing he could do.
Unfortunately it seems like the lying only gets worse the older they get. You're just going to have to drop out of the games the SD is playing with her father, or you'll get caught in the middle and end up getting blamed for everything.
I admire you 5
I think your husband knows EXACTLY what's going on...he's just embarrassed by it and probably thinks it's too late to address it properly.
Just a thought:
SD16 is really too old to be checked up on so frequently--if I was her, I'd resent the constant parental intrusion, too. We sent SD then 12 to camp for a week last year and didn't check on her at all--that's part of growing up and being allowed to experience a little freedom from the constant constraints of being a kid. We plan on doing the same with both skids this year. They don't need to take time off from the camp experience and hanging out with other youth group kids to tell us how they are doing; what they did that day; and are they using sunscreen? It's kinda like how I feel about BM calling them virtually every day-she needs to get a life and allow them one without her constant presence, too. DH shouldn't have leashed your SD that tightly during this trip, in my opinion. He should have allowed her a bit of freedom and maturity.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
I agree
Teenagers need to learn to take care of themselves. And if they're in a supervised environment (such as camp), someone's sure to call if there is an emergency. By the time they're 16, we just have to hope that all the nagging we did when they were small is hiding somewhere in their all knowing heads.
"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Dorothy Parker, Here Lies (1939), "The Little
And, I'll fess up..
I was that terrible SD16. Made my SM & dad's life hell for sure. Best thing they did........let me go. Can't promise it works for everyone, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if it had been any different. I would be willing to bet my SM was the one that told my dad "WE ARE DONE!" I can also bet, if you have the patience, one day she'll have children of her own & understand.
"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Dorothy Parker, Here Lies (1939), "The Little
I totally agree with your detachment
If you would say anything to him about the phone, it's going to get you nowhere and if he wants to keep wasting his money on cell phones for a spoiled teenage brat, well good luck to him. I think you are doing the right thing by just ignoring the entire situation. Don't let them drag you into THEIR problem. But if H decides to complain about it to you, I would tell him to deal with it himself - it is not your problem and not your money.
All I'm asking...is for a little RESPECT (just a little bit).-The Queen of Soul
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