Step Talk

i KNOW SD is young and alot can be attributed to age...im looking at long term here. the still sleeping w BM and BM feeding her just isnt rite and its just one sign of how things are.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

If you can find the answer to how to do what is best for her while being constantly undermined by BM, please let me know. I posted about this yesterday, but my SK's are 10 and 7 and they have been coddled their whole lives. SS7 still often forgets to use her flippin' fork at meals and eats with her hands! The kids have responsibilities here and consequences for their actions (all VERY reasonable, because we are realizing we are dealing with kids who are never made to lift a finger at BM's and who are used to getting their way all the time), and so now, per SS's phone call with mom, we are "MEAN." Oh well. We are not going to change, and hopefully it will sink in. In a way, maybe it's good your SD is so young; maybe you can make an impression on her like have not yet been able to (yes, DH is slightly to blame for not trying very hard before, but he is 100% on board NOW).

BEEOTCH unfortunately. She keeps up with the "I'm a poor single mom" crap because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and she wants to blame everyone else for her problems and unhappiness. Never themselves, oh no! These are the ones who think they are above the law and everyone else and there is no rhyme or reason to all they get away with. These are the women where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. They are miserable so they make for damn sure you are too.

Sucks doesn't it.

You have my complete support and understanding. Life should not have to be this difficult. Yeah, the sd is still young, but not young enough to show respect to her elders. If she's not learning now, in the formative years, it's never going to stick. And yes, she will be a brat plus more. My thoughts are this: who is the parent? You are! When she's with you guys, in your house, she lives by your rules. It's non-negotiable. Unfortunately all you can control is what goes on in your own home so keep making sure she knows who's boss. The more consistent you are in letting her know who's boss, the better off she'll be. IF you have to tell her 500 times in an hour, so be it. But never change the message. Use the old standby 'when you're older and you're on your own, whatever, but until you are 18, your ass is ours and this is the way life is going to be. (Of course you won't use the word ass to a three year old, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.)

My comments and suggestions are meant to be supportive to you and yours. You can do it! I know you can.

MJ24

are totally doing the right thing by her. It proves to be difficult when the BM does not cooperate and therefore it trickles down to the child and we all know what happens then...and we, the parents who work our butts off to make sure these kids are well taken care of, and not getting the wrong message, get screwed six ways to Sunday.

Like I said before, it sucks big time. You're right that she's totally dependent on other people and will probably never figure out that she needs to start taking care of herself and specifically her daughter. I always wonder what these BM's do during the day when they could be working but we know they're not! Where does all the $$$ go that they get from CS? The real problem is they don't know how to budget themselves. Pathetic.

You're doing great!

MJ24

and you will drive yourself nuts trying to find a way to get BM to see anything other than what she wants to see.

I have accepted that what happens at BM's is her choice (unless it truely does result in physical or psychological harm to the child), BUT that means what happens at my house is up to DH and I.

The key to this is that you and DH MUST present a united front when disciplining your SD. The 'This is how we do it at our house' message must be consistant.

I may have a totally different perspective on this being a single BM whom my ex left when my son was only 2 months old. Keep in mind my situation may have been way different and my first concern has always been my children. Now I am going to be totally honest so don't get mad at me. I am here to tell you it is a tough job to be a single mom. I personally worked all day came home at night to tend to my children ALONE. No one to help me feed my children, give them baths, or prepare them the children for the next day when I dropped them off at daycare to my dismay. No one there when I had to get up the next day after spending the night up with them when they got sick. I had to be at work at 7:00 AM and the daycare was 30 minutes away. It is easy when there are 2 tending to one child instead of just one. My ex used to TRY to criticize my parenting skills. I stopped him dead cold in his tracks. Why because HE didn't do a thing for my children except criticize me. My own mother couldn't understand that I didn't even have time to read my children a bed time story. I was EXHAUSTED and had a lot of things to do in about 2-3 hours a night depending if I had to work OT. I worked at a ministry back in those days which required my working OT. Everyone LOVED to criticize me because I was either too tired or just plain didn't have time to do the things I should have been able to do with my children. Everyone criticized but did they help??? Oh hell no!! In my eyes people expect a single BM to be some kind of a cross between wonderwoman and Carol Brady. I was a great Mom however different people have different views about how to raise a child. EH made me a single Mom then turned around to criticize my raising my sons as a single Mom. It was a no win situation. Did I get to catch up and rest on the weekend. Nope the kids were up at their normal time and so was I. Where was EH? Enjoying the many vacations he took or sleeping in until noon in his nice quiet house.

I understand your concern about the child. I really do. Your Skid's BM is a nutcase. I gathered that much from your posts. But if I were getting criticized from my ex and his new wife I would tell them to put it where the sun don't shine. What I do in my own home with my child is my business. No one including EH will dictate what I do on my time with my child. As a SM I feel for you because I know you are only looking out for what you think is best for the child. DH doesn't live with BM anymore so he can't control what BM does or doesn't do. All you can do is work the best way you can with the time you have with the child. I have the same attitude when it comes to my SKIDS. What I do in my home IS my business. BM has no say so in my home. None, Zilch, zip. She lost that courtesty when she called CPS on DH and I with a bunch of bogus crap.

I was lucky when my son was three my ex married a terrific woman and she is a great SM to this day to my boys. We coparented wonderfully. I had NO issues with the way she took care of my children nor she did with me. You are right you can't coparent with a crazy person but my advice is just try to do the best you can do in your home. Don't openly criticize BM about her parenting skills. All you will manage to do is to piss her off which will make things wayyyyyy worse. I am not saying DH should not have a say but be careful telling BM what to do. She may come back at you with the same thing.

BTW when my son was three he would climb in bed with me every night when I was asleep. I would wake up with a foot in my kidney. That is nothing unusual for a child that young. I just simply made him go back to bed if I felt like it. Sometimes I didn't. Both my kids used to sneak in bed with me and sit and talk in the mornings. It was a special quality time thing with the kids. I cracked up last month when I went down to visit my parents and both of my grown sons came along. My oldest son just came back from Iraq. I was tired and decided to take a nap. Guess who ended up streched out talking to me. Both of my sons. We laughed and said some things never change.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

i completely understand where youre coming from and i agree...but here is the difference w BM: first of all, she chose to be a single mom and have a kid w a man she knew didnt want to...and she lied to do it. now im not saying FH is totally innocent, BUT why would u knowingly get pregnant w a man u know doesnt want a family w u?

thats beside the point bc shes here now...BUT she doesnt work FT like u and many single moms do. she works one day shift on fridays and 2 nite shifts = about 30 hrs. shes home w her all day. and its just laziness. FH saw that when they were still together...she has said before that she will spoil her and she will baby her. feeding her still at 3???? come on.

as far as the bed thing goes, she has never slept in her own bed at her house. and giving SD the choice of where she wants to sleep instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed, which she does FINE at our house...its just one more example of her letting her do whatever she wants. she has sent her to our house in crocs in december when its snowing bc she was fussing and didnt want to wear socks. see where im going w this?

also, i applaud single moms as a whole...my mom was one and i think she did an amazing job...she worked FT and went to college AND took care of me, so maybe thats why i dont have much sympathy for this lazy poor excuse of a "single mom". she gives all the single moms out there who really ARE singl emoms a bad name. oh and my mom did this all w NO CS from my dad and my dad never saw me...he wasnt interested in being part of my life like FH is. granted, my mom had alot of help w my grandparents, but so does BM...she lives w her cousin and her mom and her BF do ALOT for them.

i guess what im trying to say is i appreciate yr advice, and im not mad at all!!!...i just dont want u comparing yrself to her bc its just not the case. and as far as criticizing BM...im kinda w u on that one...but i know FH was just trying to talk to her and not really as accusatory until she went off on him. she also went off about how she doesnt make enough money and used that as an excuse...well then get a better job and besides that, wheres all the money HE gives her going??

per the court arrangement, they are supposed to be able to effectively communicate regarding issues and the raising of SD...now we all know that cant happen and this is just another example. if u cant talk to ur kids mother about concerns u have, then where does that leave u? im just really afraid this kid is going to turn into one of these nitemare skids that alot of people here have...and i dont want that for her.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin