I have one son from my first marriage that is 15 years old. I had been divorced for 6 years before remarrying. My “new” husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary this month. My husband has a son that turned 18 this year and graduated from high school this month.
The step son’s mom lives in the area but has not been involved in the son’s life. His dad has had custody since he was less than 2 years old. My husband had remarried when his son was 5 or 6, so there was step mother for about 10 years. The step mother passed away about 3 years ago.
My stepson has always been involved in sports. He has played high school baseball and football for four years and my husband has never encouraged him to work.
For the past 2 years step son has been saying that he would be going to a local tech college after graduating. About 3 weeks before graduation, he came up and said he wasn’t going on to school. It has been 4 full weeks since he has graduated and doesn’t have a job.
I’ve tried to talk with my husband several times about this and it just turns into a huge argument. I can tell that my husband is not going to tell his son that he has to get a job. I believe he thinks he can keep supporting him on his (or our) own. My husband thinks I am playing “favorites”. I don’t think I am, but I’m not sure anymore. My son is 15, most places will not hire until a person is 16. I still received child support from my ex. My son also does a lot for my ex in-laws and they pay him for helping out around their house.
The step son has put in a few applications at places where he thinks he would like to work. He is very particular about places he would because he doesn’t what his friends to see him. He doesn’t do anything at the house. He doesn’t pick up after himself at all. I can tell both boys they need to straighten up and get their dirty clothes together for me to wash. My son will do it, I may have to tell him twice, but he does it.
I think my husband feels sorry for his son because of his mother not being a part of his life and because of the sudden death of his step mother.
I don’t know how, financially (and mentally for me) that my husband and I can keep paying our monthly bills and expenses.
I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut until school starts back, but then again I think he needs to get a job and help pay his car insurance, cell phone, etc. All money he gets, he gets from his dad.
I need some advise… please…
Your DH is not doing his son any favors...
First of all, accusing you of 'playing favorites' doesn't fly. Your son is 15, still a minor, and IS working for his grandparents. Second, your SS seems a little depressed to me. At his age, no plans for future education or a career can get you down. This should be an exciting time for him to plan his next big step! He needs a plan! Maybe it's time for a check-up (for depression) and an appointment with a life coach or something.
same problem
however my FSS never finished high school and has about a 9th grade education, so they are moving into MY home this week and the rules I set down are something like this, if you dont have a job then you will earn your keep doing chores that I name and they will be done that day like cleaning gutters, weeding, spray washing the house...
I also instituted this with my bioson when he flunked out of college, once he got a job it went from doing my chore list to paying me rent and doing household duties. cleaning sweeping dishes.
no one is going to give these kids anything unless they give it to themselves they need to learn there is no free ride.
IF my FH and his son do not abide by the "list" then they will both have to move out, I am not going to live my life raising a spoiled lazy stupid boy/man.
And my bs knows he will be asked to move out if he doesnt tow the line, I know it may sound harsh but it is the only thing that has given me back part of my sanity.
I think making a list of duties might be a good start...
good luck
oh and there is NOTHING wrong with you -well if there is then you are in good company here! LOL
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Anyone
Who is out of highschool & not in college should have a job. Go to school or have a job. Period.
This is life. He needs to learn to deal with it before it jumps up & kicks his butt.
Update
I can't believe that I originally posted on June 29 and today is August 7... SS18 still DOES NOT have a job. He will go out and apply for jobs when his dad tells him to. I have decided that he just doesn't want to work. I didn't work today. SS18 slept til noon, when his dad got him up. I know that I am the only one that can do something about this situation, but it is getting really frustrating. Our normal monthly bills are getting behind. My husband is a smart man. I just don't know why he doesn't see what is happening. I have suggested turning off SS18 cell phone until he finds a job. Dad said NO! I though turning off the phone would motivate him to get a job. This week my husband started saying things to me like I just didn't want SS18 around. I don't think that is it. I would appreciate some motivation and help. I am sick of picking up after him and telling him to turn lights, TV, games, etc. off. I don't say anything anymore because I hear the comments about my just not wanting him around. I can't believe how stressful this type of situation can be.
What about...
saying this to hubby...."sweetheart, I know you don't think I want SS around. That's not it. I'm worried for him. It seems like he's not motivated to make a plan for his life. This should be an exciting time for him! What happens when school starts and he doesn't have his sports, school, etc? I'm worried that this situation will turn into depression for SS."
Might work. Might not.
That Good, SL
And True. You have to approch this from a viewpoint of CARE about your SS's well-being to your DH. Obviously, your DH is prickly about the situation and feels like you are attcking both him and his son, so it's all in the approach and the wording.
If you come at in the care and concern for his well-being, that might go over better. And it's true. Because if your SS is just sitting around doing nothing, he could very well become depressed. Getting up in the morning and going to work and feeling like you have value is an AWESOME boost to one's self-esteem.
Maybe your SS does not know HOW to approach finding a job. Maybe he's overwhelmed. Maybe you & DH need to sit down with him and actually go over how it's done. It sounds crazy, but a lot of these young adults are simply clueless today and NEED their hands held through the whole process.
Our SD17 did in getting her first PT job this summer. She had NO CLUE where to start. We had to sit down and write out a plan with her of how to do it. Where to look. How to dress. How to ask for an applixation. What to do if they wanted an interview ther-and-then. How to get through an interview. Questions to ask. The whole scenario.
And she looked at us with these big doe eyes because you could tell she was TERRIFIED!!!
If these 'kids' have never been out in the real world before and have been coddled, REALITY is frightening. Maybe he really needs help.
Maybe?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Post new comment