Out of his 3 daughters, DH has always favored his middle. It's clearly obvious, even to the other two, who refer to her as the "Golden Child" who can do no wrong in her father's eyes.
This is the child, age 16, whom I have blogged most about on this site. I have no relationship with her. She is manipulative, she lies with no remorse, and is almost gleeful when caught. She treats her other two sisters like they are her personal slaves. She is becoming a little version of her BM, which is not a pretty picture by any means! And she treats her father like complete garbage. And the more she does, the more he wants to do for her. It puzzling, bizzare, and sometimes just sick.
Starting last Monday, SD went away to camp for THREE GLORIOUS WEEKS!!! This was a camp that SHE picked and a PRICEY one at that! Hold onto your hats, boys and girls, because 3 weeks of camp, not including food and other necessities...$8,000! You see that correctly. Because NOTHING is too good for daddy's little girl.
Anyway, now that everyone has picked themselves off the floor...
DH has been worried sick about his 'little girl' going away for so long (give me a break). Every day for weeks before she left, he'd make comments,
"Do you think she'll be ok on her own for three weeks away?"
"What if she gets sick? You know how her stomach gets."
"Do you think she'll make friends?"
And on. And on. And on. I don't even think he realized he was doing it so often!
The best thing, in my opinion, was that for the first week, the camp counselors took the kids cell phones from them- in order that they could get acclimated to their new surroundings. I thought this was a great idea. Of course, if there was any true emergency, they would call the parents right away. Well DH was not too happy about this AT ALL!!! His anxiety level about not being able to talk to 'his baby' was through the roof.
Of course I had to explain to him that this week she would have been at her BMs house (as the regular custody schedule went) and probably wouldn't have called him anyway, as ahe never does- unless she NEEDS something from him. That made him feel a little bit better.
All day Saturday I had to listen to, "I wonder when she's gonna call?" and, "She gets her phone back tomorrow!" And finally the call came yesterday. DH near tripped over himself to get to his phone! You would have thought the POPE was calling.
The call was short. He tried to ask her if she was having a good time, but she wouldn't give him a straight answer. She said the food was bad (but she never eats anything at home, either). And then she said she had to go and she would call him later in the day. But she never did. And I think he was terribly hurt and let down- not only by the short phone call, but because she FINALLY got her phone back and didn't bother to call him back when she said she would.
But what could I say? I know it's typical behavior from SD and exactly why I have no relationship with her- she treats this man who ADORES HER like complete crap! And all I can do is stand back and watch it. It just breaks my heart.
Oh boy does this sound
Oh boy does this sound familiar? My fiancee favors his oldest who is 15 to a point where it literally makes me sick to my stomache. This kid can play him like a fiddle and flash this big smile to everyone she sees and then turn around and stab you in the back....
It's sickening, isn't it...
I've been blogging about my adult SDs who do NOTHING wrong in daddy's eyes, but if I so much as BREATHE the wrong way, I'm all but sent to the pillory.
I really LOST IT last weekend when, once again, adult SDs wanted 'daddy" all to themselves and I was expected to just disappear.
Again, these aren't "little girls", they are pushing 30. So, I lay the law down...NO MORE treating me like a stranger in my own home.
(Of course, since daddy doesn't INSIST that they treat me with respect, they know they don't have to....since I've joined this awesome site, my life has changed...)
BUT HERE IS THE KICKER...yesterday (Sunday), DH asked the 28 year old a few days ago if she would accompany his elderly mother to some gambling arena....well, SD called yesterday (knowing for DAYS she was expected to do this) saying she couldn't go because she got too drunk during the day (with her unemployed boyfriend, no less. They don't have a pot to P*SS in, but they're getting drunk...REAL mature!)..
Daddy just shrugged it off....really TICKED ME off....if I ever did something like that (like I ever would), I would be screamed at for DAYS.
It is heart-breaking. Lately I've just been wondering if it's all worth it anymore.
I'm wondering, KittyKat
in reading the postings in the "Adult Stepchildren" section, if this isn't what my DH is in for! (and me, along for the ride)
Sometimes I mention these "stories" I hear (from your lives and from other sites I've been to) to let him know what lies ahead for him if he doesn't get his head out of his butt, yet he always seems to delude himself that it's not doing to be that bad with HIS kids!
Yeah, right! Sometimes, I want to print out these stories and hold onto them for future reference and when the sh#* hits the fan one day, I can say, "Gee, remember when I told you about this and you said it would never get that bad? Well, it's that bad."
It's not like I'm wishing for our future to be horrible (I'm not a sadist- I really WOULD like to have a happy life with my DH), but if he's not taking any steps to change things with his children- how on God's green earth COULD things be any better in the future????
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
fathers and daughters
fathers need approval and reassurance from their daughters as much as the daughters need this from their father. having said this, i am puzzled as to why he has singled her out for this? perhaps he's got some kind of 'sucker for punishment' personality? i think examining his past relationships with women would tell you alot? was he attracted to manipulative women that played on his emotions always leaving him wanting for more? it's emasculating if you ask me. have you ever had a blow out with him and confronted him on this behavior? not only is it unhealthy and unusual but it's damaging for his other children to witness this. he's trying to win her approval and you need to as him one simple question: 'why?'
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
the 'why' question
Oh boy, did you ask the 'million dollar question'! Believe me, this is something we have explored at length both in couples therapy and on our own (although I have felt much more comfortable discussing it in therapy with a third professional party present, since it's such a touchy subject).
In answer to your questions:
*I think he definitely has the 'sucker for punishment' issue happening. all the women in his life treat him badly- his mother, his sisters, his first wife (the creme-de-la-creme) and of course, this daughter. I think I'm the first woman in his life who HAS ever treated him well. Sometimes I think he doesn't know what to make of it! And it's really sad, because he's such a gentle, giving, honest man, who really tries to be good to others- and they just walk all over him.
*But these women don't 'leave him wanting for more' as you put it. when the ex left him, he didn't chase her down or anything like that- he was glad to see her go! And he knows his mom and sisters are dysfunctional, but also accepts that they ARE his family and to some degree, you have to maintain relationships (with his mom anyway) because you don't pick your family. But he has learned to 'approach with caution' at this point in his life!
*Now the daughter is a different thing completely, and one which I just can't figure out. I directly confronted him in therapy, in anger, and told him flat out that I felt he placed his daughter ahead of me. And that saddens me, because I am and will always be there for him to give my support and love to him as a partner everyday. And his daughter is only there for him WHEN SHE NEEDS SOMETHING. Period. And trust me, before you say, "that's how teenagers are," you have not met this girl. She gives new definition to the words manipulative, spoiled, and egocentric.
When my DH had a TIA (mini-stroke) last year, he was under doctor's oders for strict bed rest and zero-stress for a few days. I was like a mother-bear protecting her young in making sure this would happen after I brought him home from the hospital.
Knowing what had happened to their dad and after telling them that he needed strict rest, the next day, his cell rang. I picked it up (I never do). SD wanted to talk to her dad. In a polite way, I told her, "No, I'm sorry, he's sleeping. Remember what the docotr said? Is it an emergency? Can I help you?" And rudely she told me no, that she didn't care and she wanted to talk to him anyway. And so I hung up on her. And she kept calling the house phone, which I turned off. And his cell, which I turned off as well. No emergency- she just WANTED something. Mind you, she wasn't concerned about him. She didn't ask how he WAS. She just wanted something.
And the tragic part is, that if he heard his cell and saw that it was HER- he would have picked up the damn phone! Because for her, anything. Even jeopardize his health.
And that's the part that just leaves me scratching my head as well!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
You are ANOTHER ONE living my life!!
I can't believe the illness story!! I went thru the same thing with my DH and his nasty adult witches. (The more I vent on here, the more EMPOWERED I feel.) I really used to think I was going crazy.
Long story short, several years ago DH found out he had early stages of a very curable cancer. Immediately, I telephoned my brother (a physician), spoke with a friend who had a similar situation, and got the ball rolling. I had him at the best hospital, etc.
Well, several days after he found out he had this cancer, one adult SD (probably 25 at the time) showed up here drunk (and high) pretty late with the guy she was banging at the time (she was dropping something off for daddy to fix), and she was just being loud and obnoxious. For the past few days, I had been making calls regarding his upcoming surgery, being a MATURE ADULT and getting things done.
So, I was LIVID that this selfish BRAT would show up causing problems, and I said "You KNOW your dad has cancer, why don't you just act your age" or something to that effect...well, guess what, daddy hadn't TOLD her yet that he had cancer, so I was almost MURDERED for BLURTING OUT to her that her daddy had cancer. She went ballistic (and DH sided with HER!!) How could MY WHOLE FAMILY, my friends, my workplace, his workplace know for DAYS that he was getting surgery (top of the line, which I arranged) and this nasty BITCH had no clue? Was she too DRUNK for the past few days for him to talk with her? Who knows? But, do you think I ever even got a THANK YOU from any of his bitch daughters for taking such good care of him? Hell no, but if I raise my voice a bit too much or don't sit and leaf through hours and hours of their stupid photo albums telling them how beautiful they look (they're DOGS, by the way), I'm no good.
The thing we have in common: I, too, am the FIRST WOMAN to treat DH WELL. He loves his life now, and I don't know if this is the issue with YOUR SD, but in my heart of hearts I know those witches are SICK JEALOUS of me. SCORES of people have told my DH how they have never seen him look HAPPIER in his life (sure, because all his lovely daughters have done is cause TROUBLE and AGGRAVATION to his life. "It's always something" with them. He and I travel (which infuriates the SDs...again, I have to remind you they are PUSHING 30),
we do lots of FUN STUFF TOGETHER. They are always trying to "nose in" somehow (oh, maybe we'll come dancing with you sometime)...why don't they find their OWN FRIENDS???
But, as I said, thanx to this site, I put my foot down to HIM and TO THEM LAST WEEKEND. NEXT time, any of them THREATENS ME (oh, you wouldn't believe it..) harasses me, or gives me a hard time in MY HOME EVER AGAIN, I am filing a RESTRAINING ORDER....then daddy will have to CHOOSE, THEM OR ME??? I really thought they'd come after me, but I think they GET IT that I am NOT messing around any more.
I have been VERY COLD to DH this week, because I want HIM to know that I MEAN business. He has been as sweet as honey to me wishing he could have the "nice" me back. Let him get a TASTE of what BITCHY is like, then maybe when I DO decide to be NICE again, he'll appreciate it. VENTING is GOOD!!!
My boyfriend drastically
My boyfriend drastically favored his daughter over his sons. To the point where it caused HUGE issues in our relationship and the relationship he had with his sons. She learned to lie to him and manipulate him, and all adults around her because he always believed everything she said.
Well...she's 16 1/2 and now she has turned on him, BIG TIME. She informed him that she will never set foot in his house again. She lied about him breaking into her mother's house and threatening her. It's his own fault for raising a psychopath. I really believe her brain is warped due to her constant lying and lack of any type of morals or remorse. It's scary how dangerous these girls can get.
My boyfriend is stunned and saddened by how she turned on him. He thought they'd be best friends forever!
Yet another thing in common
I read a reply that you sent someone else, and I see that you, too are an educator!! I've been teaching high school for 20+ years, and maybe that's why the insolent behavior of these adult no-goodnicks has me all in a dither. (They weren't great students in school, lots of truancy!! Grrrrr!)
I think of all the wonderful YOUNG WOMEN with whom I have relationships, who come back to see me or keep in touch, you have told me I have changed their life....THEN I have these three RATS
who would love to just DISECT me, looking for a FLAW. They FIND flaws, and I'm just to the point where if DH is going to continue to excuse their behavior, even though they are NEARLY 30!, I KNOW it's not ME, so I might be better off just leaving them all to wallow in
dysfunction.
THAT's why our DHs have never had it so good, and THAT'S why we hold a huge trump card here. My DH has NEVER had so much stability in his LIFE. The ONLY THING that ever upsets the applecart is when the SDs cause some kind of incident. LUCKILY, it's not nearly as often as it used to be, but it's still ENOUGH to make me realize that I DON'T DESERVE this. If I REALLY LEFT (and I've certainly THREATENED), DH would be devastated. I just think of his WORK environment...he actually has a WIFE he can take to WORK events now who isn't going to embarass him and who can ACTUALLY HOLD A CONVERSATION with his higher-ups!!! Please stay sane and keep in touch.
I am definitely the most
I am definitely the most stable thing in my bf's life. His ex is a raving alcoholic. I told my bf the other day that I'm the only loyal person in his life. This is sad because a month ago he broke up with me basically because I wouldn't kiss his kids butts enough. I could see right through their games, but God forbid I'd try to tell him anything. Blood is thicker than water. It's so funny because last week all heck broke loose and he found out something very bad that his children did against him (these are two adult kids and two almost adult kids...not little kids). He basically told them he didn't want 50/50 custody of them any more, that they could go live with their mother (two of the four are under 18) and he'd pay more child support. The mother's response? She didn't want them full time.
Same here!
Isn't this sad already? THE ONLY THINK DH argue over is his ADULT daughters. And, it's the same thing with me....I'm expected to kiss their butts, buy them fancy things, go to their stupid cookouts, get them free tickets to sporting events, but I'm not expected to expect a little bit of RESPECT in return.
I just got off the phone with the "ex" who, of course, told me how miserable I am. Who wouldn't be miserable around these jerks?
I would stop doing all of
I would stop doing all of those things that you are doing for them. I stopped doing ANYthing for my bf's kids. No b-day gifts, no Christmas gifts. NOTHING. I ignore them. I refuse to kiss anyone's butt.
You go, girl!
You are among MANY who have told me that. Believe me, I WILL STOP!!
Thanx for reinforcing that thought!
Our DHs KNOW they have it good with us, KK!
And I think that's why they are willing to let us put our foot down more often (at least I know this is true in my situation).
I know that deep...deep...way down deep in his heart, DH knows that his adoration for his daughter is completely one-sided, and that once she is an adult, she will pretty much be gone from his life (unless she needs money). He did once admit to me, with tears in his eyes, that this would one day be the case, but he still feels compelled to try to hold onto her as long as her can.
But I point out if 'holding onto' to her means simply buying her love and attention, then what kind of 'relationship' is that? What is that teaching her? What lessons is she learning? I just think it makes her even more screwed up in the long run.
I love the point you make about the young women who you taught who,
'have told me I have changed their life'. Currently I'm only teaching part-time, but when I go to class and see the kids smiling faces and their eagerness to learn (5th grade)- I think, "Gee, maybe I'm not the complete and total idiot my stepchildren think I am!"
Because from the get-go, their BM has convinced them I was, and from there, they all bought it- hook, line, and sinker.
And then I look at all the craziness, unstableness, emotional and mental abuse that same BM has heaped on them for the past 6 years and thought, "Well, hello pot- meet the kettle!"
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
cousins daughter
My cousin's husband treats his middle daughter like that.
The whole family thinks it's really creepy if you know what I mean.
Good God...
OK, I STILL haven't got up from the floor after seeing that the camp cost 8 grand! LOL. And why would you want your daughter to call at a camp like that? I'd want her to squeeze each and every minute from the experience that I paid for. Jeez! Tell your DH this...I have 3 SDs who are 25, 23 and 19. Came into their life 11 years ago. He has always favored number 3 and that's who we had at home the longest so I killed myself doing everything her little heart desired. I did more for her that DH and BM did...combined. She hates me now...wants Daddy "to choose". It's sick and frustrating. As adults, it gets nastier, believe me! They become more entitled, spoiled and selfish. She will care about him more if he demands respect. It's hard but they call it 'tough' love for a reason. Making kids accountable and demanding respect are the 2 best gifts you can give you child.
You're so right, SL
And I would love to tell him your story (maybe I'll print it out and save it for the future), but sometimes DH is just so damn sensitive when it comes to bringing up topics relating to his precious middle daughter, especially since I now have NO relationship with her- he sees anything I say about her as a criticism (which, ok I have to admit, it usually is!)But right now, there's just so little that I see as redeeming in her character.
Here's an excellent example:
All week he's been waiting for her to get her phone back, right? So the first phone call came and it was disappointing (see top post for 'refresher'). And then she PROMISES to call back on Sunday night but never does.
Well, all night on Monday, he's quietly waiting for her to call. I can tell- he does this thing where he keeps 'flipping up' his phone to see if he's missed any calls just in case. Well, it's 10:00 and no phone call, so he's getting lower and lower and the minutes tick by. Then there's a knock on our bedroom door. It's his youngest daugther, 13, who relays a message from middle daughter about what happened from camp. Apparently she called HER instead! Apparently she was too busy to call her dad. The one who's been worried sick about her for days. The one who paid for the damn camp. I'm gonna check her cell phone records- I'm SURE she called her BM. That's the other thing that gets me.
DH was just SO low last night and I couldn't say a single word to comfort him, because if I did, it would somehow be implying that I was 'dissing' his precious daughter!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I wish I could understand it
I wish I could understand it - I worry about how my fiancee's younger daughter feels about the favoritism he shows the older one and if it will impact her nagatively later in life. Then again the BM favors the younger one so maybe it balances itself out that way. I just wish he would be less concerned with kissing her ass and coddling her all the time.....
Have you tried saying...
"DH, I don't think it's healthy for you to obsess over your child like this. Is there something deeper going on with you? Would you like me to schedule an appointment with a mental health professional?" If I said that to my DH, he'd freak. He would definately try to change! LOL
Or, you could say, "Are you
Or, you could say, "Are you sad that you're married to me instead of your daughter?" I'm a bitch, I know.
I actually DID that once...
in couple's therapy. I think the therapist KNEW I was thinking it and kind of forced it out of me. As soon as it came out of my mouth I knew it was a mistake that I said it out loud.
It didn't go over too well- even with a 'professional' in the room to mediate the whole thing! I told him that I felt he always put me in second place behind her.
I think that comment still to this day always 'hangs in the air' between us and always will.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Oh well, you know what they
Oh well, you know what they say, "the truth hurts"...don't regret saying it, if that's how you were feeling. You could have said a lot worse. Trust me, sit back and let this favored princess hang herself. Of course, you'll have to deal with the fallout of a husband who is flabbergasted and dumbfounded that his precious angel turned on him.
And that's exactly what I'm
And that's exactly what I'm waiting for. Because I KNOW it's going to happen. And I, the ever-faithful, loving, supportive wife, will be here to catch him when he hits rock bottom.
I just hope I can gently coax him into 'wising up' before she soaks him totally dry- emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
She WILL turn on him and she
She WILL turn on him and she will come back...my bf's daughter recently stole thousands of dollars from him, lied to her mother about him breaking into her mom's house and threatening her, and then informed him she would never set foot in his house again. It didn't last a week. She came back. They always come back. And you won't be able to say a word about it.
Trust me, Mustang- if it
Trust me, Mustang- if it EVER got to THAT level, you can be DAMN sure I wouldn't keep my mouth shut any longer- I'd either put my foot up both their asses or both of MY feet out the door- for good.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Don't count on it
I am the survivor of 4 adult SDs. You'd think at some point they'd turn on DH when the money ran out--but no. They just keep asking for more, more, MORE. DH has remained strong and told them NO over and over, but I think they believe they can break him down again.
These entitled bitches just won't go away!
I suppose I always figured that they'd grow up and get on with their own lives. Like normal people. No such luck. DH has so retarded their development as adults that they are stuck as loser, immature people. DH was the "guilty father" and they took him for everything they could. Now we are paying the price.
I hope your DH wises up with the SD16, or you may be stuck with her for life, too. Ugh.
I've read your past posts, Sarah
so I know your 'history'. And as I was reading them, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Dear God- that's MY life in a few years!"
You are so right- DH is still sometimes under the impression that they will just magically grow up, and I keep telling him, "wake up!" (as have the therapist and the Parenting Coach we've been to).
But as he continues to get 'burned' by the girls (especially by his beloved princess) I'm hoping that the wise words of the 'professionals' will start to sink in! To his credit, he has come a long way, but still has much more to go!
PS- Love the "Wicked" icon!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
My DH
Is still hoping his SDs (now 25, 23 and 19) "grow up". Hello...ain't happening. BM is close to 50 years old and is still is an evil, entitled victim and her mother, who's pushing 75 years old, is the same. THEY AIN'T "GROWIN' UP"!
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