Step Talk

BM birth mother
SD step daughter
Sorry daddywheelz, but your wife is right, "(my wife) seems to think that I am making a big deal of nothing."
"I told her that her daughter had a complete lack of respect for her because she has let her run the show too long."
Is there any way that you can step down and let the family be happy? Kds that age always want to be with their own kind and what is wrong with her being with her brother? In the summer time kds want to stay up all night and sleep all day and they want to be together. At least she isn't in the streets, doing drugs and trying to get pregnant.
"I am now suddenly become the "uncool" step father." You would be totally uncool in this house and someone would question the control factor that you want to have about insignificant factors.
Sorry, but I've got 4 steps and been doing this for 13 years so I am a survivor.

Yeah, I had decided to "step down" already. I just needed another opinion on it. I will chill out and let it go. Being a provider, I suppose that control comes with it. But I will take your advice and I respect your obvious seniority in the step-parent game. Thanks.

In ways it does seem like you need to step down. When my DH (dear husband) first moved into my home we had the same issues. I have two biological daughters (BD's). The oldest did not move out until she was 20. She would come and go as she pleased pretty much since she was about 17. That's just part of it. They have their own lives once they start to drive. Her coming and going would bother my DH because it disrupted HIS routine. He also has OCD (needs a routine and a lot of quiet time)and for the longest we all felt like we were walking on eggshells until I figured out his problem. He tried really hard to hide it from all of us but it did not work. It's obvious. It seems like when he moved in with me his old ways started spilling over onto my kids. We have had some heated discussions over this issue. I do discipline my youngest when she needs it (the oldest is now married and moved out) and I think I do a darn good job.

DH was overly strict on his biological kids before his divorce. This still bothers him today though. Just last night we were talking and he was asking me why I thought he was that way with them. I gave him my opinion. My DH has learned to back down from my kids quite a bit. It helped when I pointed out some of the things his own kids do that he tends to ingore now. Since his divorce he has parented out of guilt trying to make up for how he was when he lived with them.

One point I do agree with you on is the part about your SD keeping everyone else up until 4:30. I think you do need to set some guidelines on that. I would be annoyed too if that was the case. Good luck. Sometimes it takes a while to work these issues out. I have read in several places that the estimated time for families to blend is 7 years. In my case it took about 4 years.

Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

all the skids will eventually grow up and leave home for good. Then who will you be left with? You don't want an unhappy wife full of resentment. My DH learned to back down at the right time before it was took late. I have had to learn to bite my tongue as well. My DH was overly strict where I am fairly strict. We all have to choose our battles carefully. That's what I have learned in my situation.

Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

You should be the one making in the rules in your home. It doesn't matter if her brother lives in town...she should have a curfew, etc. We made this mistake with our teenage daughters and now they are mean, disrepectful adults. I think you can find a happy medium with your wife...you can't completely rein the girl in and you have to accept that. But don't allow ANY disrepect of you or your home. Boundaries baby!

"She spent one night here and stayed up until 4:30 AM disrupting the whole house." It would drive me nuts if I had to live with someone on that schedule. I would much rather have her at brothers house so I could sleep without her disruptions.

Sounds to me like she is using your home, emotionally blackmailing her mother, in order to have no rules (staying with older brother the whole time- that's not appropriate as sibs won't likely feel comfortable setting limits for their "peer" siblings, nor should the responsibility fall on them.)

If she wants to see her mother then she should come for visitation and spend time with her mother. She is not a guest in her mother's home and should treat your house rules with respect (would she act like this at her best friend's parents home? I doubt it.) She is walking all over you both, attempting to divide and conquer to get whatever she wants whenever she wants it with no responsibility or accountability for her actions.

Your wife and you need to sit down, perhaps with a therapist, to discuss your SD actions and an appropriate parental reaction. Pick up a copy of "STOP Negotiating with Your Teen" by Janet Sasson Edgette. It's a quick read and very helpful. Especially because it's filled with tons of examples of teens doing exactly what your SD is doing, so you know that you're NOT over-reacting.

It seems that these days too many parents are too laid back and teens are ruling the roost, and completely taking advantage of the "poor divorced kid" scenario, along with two Bio parents who aren't always on the same page as an opportunity to misbehave however they please.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Because of her age I think it's too late. I think you should keep your distance & stay 'stepped down.' I'm sure this is the way things have been going for quite a while & if you come in & just start making demands, you'll look like a control freak, & your SD won't think you're doing this because you care.

However, I do believe in boundaries, & I think going to a counselor with your wife is a good idea to bring up these issues & decide where to place boundaries & how you both will enforce them. Counselors are a good way to get an outside opinion, not only because they've seen this before but because they can probably see things more clearly from the outside.

I am an adult stepdaughter & I've had my SF since I was a kid. We're just now getting along. For one thing he stopped looking at me like a wicked step kid. He stopped looking at my failures & started paying attention to my accomplishments. And I stopped trying to win his favor. With our distance we get along better.

You see, it is divided as to what to do. 2 or 3 for and a like number against the situation. I KNOW what she needs, ahem. But being a newlywed, I am just going to let it go. Besides, she will be out of the house after this summer...living with her dad for school next year and college after that. The problem is that I have to ACT like I don't care, when I know down deep inside what is best for her.

I have and will continue to raise my daughter differently however. I just hope that two months of this bull---- does not do any damage.

I am trying to digest all the advice. I am going to get that book. I do think however that my new wife has given up on ANY boundaries. She sighed when I told her about the book. Oh well. She really is a great person, but those divorces are very damaging. BTW, I am a widower, so it is a lot different for me and my daughter.