Hi Everyone,
I thought I would introduce my self and get advice. I am in my late 30's I live with my boyfriend (mid 50's) of three and half years. He was married to his ex for 20 years and she left him (and the kids) for one of her many boyfriends. He has a son 22, and daughter 18 and he doesn't know if they are biologically his because of all the affairs his wife had. Daughter is in school out of state, son just moved out and is living nearby and taking classes, but not on career path. My boyfriend built up a company and half of it is owned by ex-wife as we are in a community property state. She quit her job soon after they started dating and never worked again. He is the one that works everyday and keeps the company running.
The family is a bit dysfunctional and different from how I was raised. Both of the kids seem to have a bloated sense of entitlement and never had expectations or boundaries. It has been interesting to say the least. I knew him when he was married but we were strictly friends. He was part of a sports team I was on with him. I hadn't seen him for about a year before we started dating. In that time his ex wife left him for the final time.
So I am having problems dealing with his nasty, manipulative, passive aggressive kids that take the divorce anger out on me, and a manipulative ex wife that still wants control over my boyfriend.
I have to run, but I would love some feed back to help me retain my balance. Questions are welcome!
Thank you!
Their nasty anger is not your
Their nasty anger is not your problem.
DO NOT let them be nasty to you. You give it right back or shut them out, whichever is necessary. Take charge of this now before they can cause too much damage.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
And remember...they are never
And remember...they are never going to like you. They probably believe they have power over you via some sort of bull shit acceptance. So do not go down a path of even entertaining their screwball entitled insanity. Focus on your relationship, which has NOTHING to do with them.
My response to that crap: To what could I ever possibly need or want your acceptance.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
I forgot to add, his ex
I forgot to add, his ex sister in law still works as his manager (small company) she is nice, but I like my privacy and he has her manage household bills, etc. I am not married or engaged to him so I have no say. It is kind of frustrating. He doesn't always see through the manipulation of his kids an ex wife as they were used to running the show.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. They are a bit more passive aggressive than direct. I am a very direct person and I think they know it. They actually can be polite and cordial, and I respond in kind. I work with students so I treat them as I would a student, not a friend, and not their parent. I am child-free myself, I enjoy working with other people's kids. I insisted that before I move in we see a therapist on a regular basis. I think it has helped me with strategies on dealing with the situation. Many times when he has been around his ex or kids, they somehow guilt trip him, or bad mouth me because even if we parted pleasantly, he will come home furious at me. I didn't do anything! This guy is lovely when they aren't around long. I don't know exactly what they say or do, but he ends up accusing me of all sorts of ridiculous allegations.
I know he had a crappy childhood (alcoholic mom who was abusive) and then he moved onto an emotionally abusive wife, and I feel as if I am paying for their sins at times. I ignore the crazymaking and go into work mode (as if I am dealng with an autistic student) At times it is hard to detach which is how I ended up here. To vent, and chat with people that deal with vengeful ex wives and spoiled step kids. Thank you again!
DH's were also very passive
DH's were also very passive aggressive. It made it harder to recognize, but eventually it became very recognizeable.
It did not happen overnight, but my husband eventually saw it for what it was. He was the sole caretaker following his divorce. He had been married 30 years before divorce (we have a 21 year age difference). His ex moved far away and left the kids to him. They were 14, 16 and 18 at the time. The oldest was out of the house. He paid all undergrad tuitions and did it all himself. He knew he had a terrible amount of guilt related to the divorce, but didn't realize the extent until we tried to get married.
His are now 22, 24 and 26. They'd be hard pressed to try to manipulate him now!!!! He gets it, but it took tiiiiimmmmeeee and work.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
You situation sounds so
You situation sounds so similar to mine! Thank you for sharing. I have never been married nor do I have children so this type of situation is new to me. I am not married to my boyfriend now, but I would like to marry him sooner than later (we are not engaged). Most of our relationship drama occurs due to his ex wife or kids. I keep my mouth shut and do not make comments about them when he is bitching and moaning about them. I do my best to focus only on our relationship and my work/hobbies/friends etc. It is a challenge when his "family" throws him into a tizzy and manipulates him with guilt and Lord knows what else and he gets moody and grumpy towards me. I just moved in with him this past Spring so I hope things settle down as time passes. I have faith that this works out. He does stop to question their motives and behavior more often now. Did the ex wife come back to try and "stir the pot?"
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm in a similar situation. One thing I've learned about this site is that it's a great place to vent and there are lots of sympathetic ears, but you have to dig deep and figure out what's right for you. What can YOU handle. It's very unlikely he'll change much and if he does, and stands up to the kids, you'll be to blame. They'll hate you. Ultimately you have 2 choices.
1. Accept the status quo and learn coping strategies to live with it; or
2. Move on now - before you waste years of your life working on change that will never happen.
I've spent four years trying to do the right thing so my BFs adult children can accept our relationship and FINALLY - I realize they are NEVER going to change. They are adults. Their personalities are entrenched.
What really opened my eyes was seeing how some ACODs are accepting, gracious, mature and understanding (like my BFs older children and both of my children). As for the entitled ones? Aged 31, 30 & 28, they are products of their mother and will carry on her tradition of selfishness, judgment and bullying. It will not change.
Hold on to your soul and integrity, because if you stay in this relationship, they are both going to take a beating.
Good luck.
I don't know your story -
I don't know your story - been married before, have children, numerous past relationships, no past relationships, left a string of broken hearts in your wake, been a stupid pushover for men, been mistreated, been treated well, or none of the above - I simply don't know, but I kinda think you are in need of a life lesson or two if you don't mind. It's just food for thought.
Life lesson #1
You might like a guy, but you decide being with him based on what you know and see about him. For example, there are women who still hook up with a guy even though they know the guy abused his former wife/girlfriend. Does that make sense to you?
Another example is this board of complaints that are just like yours, so you see for yourself what you have to look forward to. Does that make sense to you?
The final example is looking at this guy's life and how he has never, ever taken the initiative to do nothin' about nothin'. I mean seriously. For 20 years, he stayed with a cheating, conniving woman who walked all over him. He never did one thing about it, and it was even HER leaving HIM that finally ended the marriage.
On top of that, he raised kids he had good reason to wonder of their paternity and never once took the initiative to find out if they are his or not.
On top of that, he even pushed off the responsibility of his own finances onto someone else.
And now, there you are just like him - feeling useless, helpless, and unable to do a damned thing about a damned thing, and you know he isn't going to either.
Why is this the guy you have chosen? Why is this the life you have chosen? I wonder if you are the one who initiated this relationship because it is too hard to believe he even did that much.
Life lesson #2
You have to set standards in your life to guide you - things you will and will not do, things you will and will not tolerate, and standards your guy has to live up to in order for you to be with him. Have you spoken with him about the concerns here? What did he say? Has he done anything about anything you said? Or, does he just give excuses?
I think you know what to expect. That you have a hard time dealing with the situation doesn't mean it will change. It never changes and there are no solutions unless he is willing to take the iniative to make things change. How much can you depend on him to do that?
The kids never had
The kids never had expectations or boundaries, he works every day and supports everyone, others pay the bills. I bet he (your boyfriend) is the nicest guy you would ever wanna meet right? Some ones best trait can also be the worst. It depends on how far of an extreme things are taken.
I assume that he has something or a lot to do with this no boundaries thing. What does he do say when the skids act poorly towards you? Does he want you to just ignore it like he does? Does he want to keep having this person pay his bills? Does he want to take any action to settle the business affairs with his wife so she in no longet a 1/2 owner and so that he can be ready to move on into another relationships?
If not, whew, this is going to be a tough one. I'd want to find out these things. Some people think they ready to move on but want to keep everything as it was. New lady comes, pushes for changes, and the hate war is really on when everyone says its just because you are there.
Give it some time and see how ready he is. It will show in his actions, what he really does, not what he says.
What others say and do are a reflection of them, not of you.
I say run while you still
I say run while you still can...it only gets worse from what I have seen...unless you can completely avoid the whole situation and he can get away from the ex...only gonna but stress and misery for you.
I would never never date a
I would never never date a man with kids. Period. You are young and should leave as this will never end, sorry to say it is only beginning. Why would you want to live with his grown son coming and going in your home? You will be signing up for a lifetime of problems. The issue of whether you want to have kids was not addressed. If you do have kids be ready for an ongoing world war that will hurt you kids to be and ruin your life. I have told my kids 2 things...1. never co-mingle money unless it is in your favor, and 2. never date a man with kids.
Maybe she's just trying to
Maybe she's just trying to protect them from being TOO generous or naive. I co-mingled money, thinking my marriage would last forever and what was mine, was his. It has come around to bite me in the a$$.
I have no problem with protecting myself financially and no problem with a spouse doing the same. Hopefully, a marriage will last but 50% of them don't and much more don't with steps involved.
I will give that same advice to my grandkids. Otherwise, ungrateful, entitled steps could end up with the fruits of their labors.
I have decided to stick
I have decided to stick around as the positives have been outweighing the negatives. I am not interested in having my own children so I don't feel pressure to hurry up and make a decision. I am glad I am independent and that I have a job, many friends, and hobbies to focus on when they are at home for a visit. Honestly, things are very slowly getting better as they get older and more involved with their own lives. I think it helps that I never have a problem with my BF spending time with his kids as it frees up my schedule to spend more time with my family. Thank you all for your help and letting me vent. Now if the ex wife would move to another country life would be perfect! Haha!
No I am not teaching them to
No I am not teaching them to use people, rather to be smart. If you co-mingle your money and things don't work out, plan on giving away half of it. If you feel you must co-mingle make sure it is in your favor...I saw a good friend pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into her husbands business while she traveled and worked 12 hour days. When they divorced he took half of what was left, half of her huge home, and 5 years of palimony, that came out of her salary. Hopefully my kids are capable and smart enough to not have to use people. Lets face it people get ripped off when relationships end.
The real issue here is that
The real issue here is that you have entered into a readymade structured family. Don't fool yourself into believing the divorce changes anything... They are all still a family and you are just a girlfriend. You are on the outside and they all know it. The way they treat you now is as good as it will ever get. Once you get married the gloves come off and they really will treat you like crap. You are no real threat now. It seems to me in what you say, you have no real place...not in the home, business or anywhere else for that matter. I think this should speak loud and clear to you. As long as you see things how they truly are and you can make a decision to live with them as they are...then good for you. But if you are questioning what you should be doing, you are really not so clear on things... Don't waste too much time.
Thank you, what you say makes
Thank you, what you say makes a lot of sense. I don't expect to be one happy family and I am okay with that. I have been able to put my personal touch in the home and I am currently decorating for Halloween (with BF blessing) It is nice that i can keep calm and focused on my relationship and any obections they might have will seem more absurd as time moves on.
Good luck fierce warrior and
Good luck fierce warrior and keep us posted! maybe you have the secret we are all looking for! Maybe if we weren't married it would be easier. I have often wondered why we just did not live together, then the constant message that I am not part of the family might not hurt so much as it would be true. LOL
One thing that surprised me
One thing that surprised me since joining this forum is the number of girlfriends posting on this site. Some have only been dating a few months, others have a live-in arrangement with the man and they're already venting on a step parent forum, when they're not even step parents yet! What does DH stand for, designated hitter? (a substitute) or dear husband?
I'm from the school that, if he's not your husband, you shouldn't be living with the man.
That's my advice for the day, now I'm going back to bed.