It has been about five weeks since I left my husband. It has been one long road.
I find myself an emotional mess right now. I can't stop my brain from replaying over and over the things that he said, things that I said, did, etc. And I can't stop myself from crying.
I love my husband, I truly do. But he's so angry, so hell bent on anger and resentment. I have not spoken to him since, except an email to get some things from the house. He hates me. I understand.
I miss the kids and have not spoken to them. I do not want to send anything to the house that will keep perpetuating his anger. Maybe someday, the bottom will drop out and he'll realize his part in creating this mess. By then, of course, it will be far too late. Sigh. Should I send something to the kids? I worry that they may somehow think, especially my SS, that they were part cause of it. I don't know. I was just a 'stepmom'.
I've been looking for work, but there has been no responses. Now, I have been applying to part time retail shops. I will be submitting an application in to a job that I really really really want, so I need prayers that I get this job! I so need it.
My dad said to me the other day... "Man, I feel like I lost an entire family!" The sad part is, we did.
I know it doesn't feel it,
but you are doing so well. Your grief is natural and understandable, its such a sad situation. I wish you strength and calm.
**BIG HUGS**
Progress
I am so sorry you are having to go thru all this. But I just know that on the other side of this (just out of sight) is something better for you. Please don't lose faith, in yourself or your future. I pray you get the job or even a job and that will surely lift your spirits.
It is a tough spot you are in, and the thing is you may never know what any of them really feel, as feelings are so ever changing. Time will work its magic, although it never seems it will when you really want it to. But you are making progress and really have to go thru this, to get to the other side.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
You'll be okay, I promise.
Mourn your loss for as long as you need to. It takes time. Keep yourself as busy as you can, even if you're just going through the motions, because that keeps you feeling alive. If you left him because you were ready to end the marriage, then maybe find something ritualistic you can do to help you close the door on your past life. If you left him because you were hoping it would wake him up and make him take notice, then put out the feelers to see if he wants to work things out. But either way, find something to devote yourself to, even if it is just a temporary job until your career shows up, because you've devoted yourself to your family for so long that you've got to find another place to put that devotion for right now. THis, too, shall pass.
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I left him...
because I was afraid. He was screaming at me and repeatedly attacking my integrity as a person. I was so hurt and he got what he wanted. Anger is another form of pain. I understand his pain, but I fully believe that it's misdirected at me. I don't think he even really understands what he's angry about. And that is one of the problems. So, I removed myself from the problem.
I will not file a divorce, not yet. I made a commitment and I understand his pain. If he files, than so be it. But I will not file until I know that I have done absolutely everything in my power. I will be damned if I continue to live this way though, so it's quite a dilemma. So, now I'm working on a change, for myself. I'm not worrying about him, although yes, I am, but I mean, I'm not putting pressure on him, I'm not talking to him, I'm not reaching out to him, etc. He doesn't want to hear my perspective. I'm just going to let him sit and stew on it. If say, a year from now, and he's still sitting there throwing silent eye dangers at me, and I'm in a financial position, then I'll throw in the towel. But right now, I can't afford that.
Right now, he is very angry. He needs to deal with it on his own terms. Will he? Probably not, but I'm hopeful that in time, he may. I'm not there for him to yell at anymore. He can't use me as an excuse anymore when things hit the fan. I'm well ware that he may never look himself in the mirror. He's pretty damn stubborn.
And I've done an awful lot of back sliding, unfortunately. I'm an emotional mess, so even if he wanted to, I couldn't deal with him right now anyway. I am crawling, but I know I'll get there... I did it once, I'll do it again.
I love you guys.
“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”
hope your ok
he jsut left 3 days ago and right now i dont feeel like going on so 5 weeks and you seem ok so well done. how did you manage
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
You put one foot in front of
You put one foot in front of the other... that's all I can do. I am sorry. I would not wish this on anyone.
“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”
If he hates you . . .
like you said--he doesn't really, you know--any communication to the skids will likely be twisted and distorted so that any good intentions you had by making that overture will be negated. I'd let it go, at least for now.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
Love yourself, mend yourself, find yourself
My heart is with you. I have been through a heartache that I thought would bring me down. But I made it.
There's a quote from the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Sam (grieving widower) is asked how he plans to move on, to heal from his wife's death. He says,
"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out."
That's one of the most adequate statements about heart break and mourning I have ever read.
So get out of bed.
Breath.
Focus on these alone and add to them each day until you can laugh, have fun, watch a movie again.... without stopping midway to remember you're sad. THEN you know you've made it through.
Hugs to you
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
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