Step grandparents
I joined this group because I needed a place to vent. I looked but could not find anything to do with being a step grandparent. Being a step grandparent is completely different from being a grandparent. The issues are much more complex and dealing with all the extended family becomes even more complicated. I always thought my problems would end when SD turned 18 but no one ever told me about being a step grandparent. I have been one for almost 4 years now and there are 3 step grandchildren (she had them right back to back). I wish I had known more about this before I got involved in my step grandchildren's lives. I love them now and can't see myself just turning away and acting like they don't exist but we would never have had the relationship with them we have if I hadn't fallen head over heels in love the moment I saw my first step granddaughter. My DH would never have babysat or bought them anything if left on his own and sometimes I wish it was that way. The heartache I have to endure is becoming too much.
Garfield, your post is the
Garfield, your post is the exact reason I will never get involved with my DH's kids' (future)kids. I will never tell DH what to do, but I know for a fact that his future grandkids will not be permitted to have a relationship with him, unless he forks over cash. I will intervene if it gets bad. DH's kids are awful, and they see him only as a wallet, and I expect their nastiness will increase when they have children. BM is crazy, and there is no way we could ever be involved in any activities that would include her. I am sad to say that DH's future grandkids will have no chance at a normal life with the way his kids are. I will not be able to deal with any of it. That is why I cannot ever meet them.
I feel for you. You may have no choice but to walk away. I am sorry.
I am just so pissed at myself
I am just so pissed at myself for getting involved when SD was pregnant with first. Her mom was way strung out on pills and they hadn't been talking for 2 years at that point. The other grandmother (father's side) was really nice and we enjoyed planning and executing the baby shower. I put in the most work because I love crafts and am disabled so, I had the time. It actually was beautiful and since I made so many things the cost wasn't too bad. My SD's friends were so impressed they were all telling her how lucky she was to have a "Mom" like me. She did not discourage her friends from calling me her mother since she was embarrassed by her real mom. She used me and I allowed it. She started calling me "Mamma Lisa" when she was pregnant and I never said a word. She continued to call me that until 6 months ago, when we had a blow up over her "real mom" taking my grandma name of "Memaw" which we had decided on before Summer girl came into this world. Since the BM entered her life again she gets away with so much crap and hurting me is one of those things. They took the name my grand daughter had called me for 2 years and the SD went back to just calling me Lisa. I didn't care about her going back to calling me Lisa since that is what she called her whole life. But allowing her mom to take my grandma name and use as her own really hurt me badly and I had to hear my SD tell me that I was being "jealous". Bull Crap!!! Her mom disappears for months on end doing whatever pills she can't get her hands on, shows up when grand daughter is 2 years 3 months old. My grand daughter didn't even know this woman!!! She told my grand daughter to call her "Memaw" and I AM THE ONE THAT IS JEALOUS.
These women are crazy!!! BM and SD can stay away from me forever as far as I am concerned and I have told my husband that I will not go to SD's trailer since it sits right behind the BM's house. I want to keep a relationship with my grand daughter but right now I am trying to figure out if I am able to do it. When she comes over she is always telling me stories about her "Memaw" and it just kills me. We are trying to get her to call me something else but so far it's not working I just keep praying it will. And whenever she says "Memaw" and is talking about that witch, I tell her "That is Robin" and that's what you are supposed to call her. (not her real name) I do not say it mean or anything. I just let her know that that woman is called by her name. Because that is what my grand daughter called her before the witch started being around all the time. They keep telling my precious little girl that I am "Step granny" which I think is screwed up!!! My grand daughter has even said I am "her Memaw' I always have been and I always will be. (She is almost 4 now and very articulate). I wish I could get rid of the BM, just make her disappear!!!
Listen, if the granddaughter
Listen, if the granddaughter is calling you memaw (Irish? me too) than why are you upset the other grandma gets called Memaw? I think it's wrong for you to tell your granddaughter to call her other g-ma by her first name, it's disrespectful. I don't care if she did this in the past.
The reason they are probably using memaw is b/c that is the name that your grandchild uses with you-- her grandma.
I just don't see any excuse for telling a small child to call her grandmother by her first name. As rare as that name is for a grandma (I'm guessing that's whats annoying, I understand that, it should be yours) it's the name your gd now associates with grandma.
You do sound jealous and you are taking it out on the child. It's the parents right to determine what name BM (birth grandma) even if it's something that makes you uncomfortable. If you go on like this (I'm assuming you are still called memaw) you will look petty and likely bring repercussions on this relationship that are painful and unnecessary. What's in a name? You are obviously the gma your baby girl is close to. She may not feel the same if you chose to draw a line in the sand on this one.
You can always choose to move
You can always choose to move back out of the situation. I did what you are doing: gifts, attention etc to step children that came more from me than their Dad's brain. If the man himself is not all that involved take the cue from his behaviour. It is sometimes cleaner to either limit the contact or back right out if things will never ever get into a comfortable zone for all involved. As a society we always focus on the 'happily ever after' ending & that does not apply to all families. When you think about it, after the step children are grown and all $ is paid - you actually do not have to stay in the situation if you don't want to. At best being a step grandparent is like being a distant aunt and unless you have something they want (usually money or time or both) then you don't get a lot out of the whole thing. My husband and I walked away from the grandchildren-thing and never regretted it. The ex-wife has all the time for them and can be the heroine X 1,000. That's all she ever wanted anyway. So yeah, if it isn't working you are quite within your rights to ask "Why am I doing this" and "Is it something I wish to continue?". Good luck