This is kind of a long story…
When I was in college I was dating this guy which after we broke up I told him I still wanted to be friends with him. Then comes in his EX. He dated her for a couple of months and then asked her to marry him. I knew about her and I had a really good friend who was her roommate. Once I heard about their engagement I called him as his friend to let him know that she was cheating on him with numerous men. He of course didn't want to believe it but he asked her anyways and she confirmed that she in fact had been cheating on him. But he married her anyways. Yeah he knows that was a very stupid move but he was young and "so in love".
During her marriage she went off birth control and got pregnant "accidentaly". Cheated on him with 8 or so different guys and then is supprised when he finds out that she is cheating, because she doesn't see the problem with having multiple men in her life that she is sleeping with. So after 5 years he serves her divorce papers and she retaliates with her own accusation that the reason she is divorcing him is because he kept in contact with me all those years. The divorce was final in March.
Ok so let’s get to where I come back in. Because he knew it was over and she had been moved out of the house for a year before he served her the papers, we started dating again. I have been with him for almost a year, but she still doesn't know we have been dating because he doesn't want to create waves and he just wants everything to be calm. Which it has been, until she found out that I was with him, his daughter, his parents and some of his friends up at the cabin. For two weeks now she has been harassing him, and trying to turn his daughter against him. I told him from the start he should let her know we are dating because if he didn’t she would be that much more angry at him.
I have been trying to come up with a game plan with him as to how to get her off his back. He has told her that he can see or be friends with whoever he wants and she has no say in it because they are divorced. He is trying to be the best dad he can be to his daughter but he still wants to keep the lines of communication open with his Ex in order to show their daughter that they can still be civil towards each other. This is a fantastic idea, if she wasn’t psycho. She says she only calls and text messenges him 20+ times a day to get ahold of their daughter. So his game plan now is to get a second line on his phone plan so that when she wants to talk to their daughter she can call that line. And he has asked to only contact him via e-mail and only call in an emergency. But she just doesn't get it.
I love him very much and he treats me great, and we were talking about getting married within the next couple of years because he is everything I am looking for and visa versa for him. The problem falls into the fact that he is becoming emotionally and physically drained from fighting with her, taking care of his daughter all of the time and dating me. Now I know that I am one of the most important people in his life but I know that our relationship is not as important as having his daughter grow up happy. He told me the other day that he needs to concentrate on figuring out a happy median so that he and his Ex can communicate without having fights all the time. And that right now he needs a break, he loves me more than he could ever say and that he wants me to be a part of his and his daughter’s lives forever. He also said that he can't stand her saying such terrible things about me and that he doesn't want me to be in the middle of their fights right now, so he will probably call me only once a week and keep the conversations about what is going on with his mess to a minimum. I know he isn't spineless, I have seen him stick up for himself over and over again with his Ex. But he can't figure out how to keep her from poisoning his daughters mind. I told him he doesn't have a choice in the matter, that his ex will keep doing it to her dying day because she doesn't want him to be happy. It is her that is going to lose out in the end because their daughter will start to despise her for being so mean to her dad. All he can do is be the best dad he can be for his daughter and be in a relationship with someone to show her an example of the love she should expect to receive from a significant other, because her mother obviously isn’t showing that by her infidelity and the way she treated my BF before, during and after their marriage. His next course of action now is to contact a lawyer to see what he can do in order to get her to stop harassing him.
To some of you who have gone through something like this, what do you think he should do? What do you think I should do? I know he needs time right now to figure out what to do without outside influences. I just can't sit idly by without communicating with him and still be ok about it. Should I put a timeline on how long I should wait to see that he is starting to get her to stop harassing him all the time before deciding to stay with him or completely stepping out of his life? Or should I just stand by him and wait until he is ready to talk about what is going on again, which may take months? Or just let it go completely right now?
Thanks for reading and letting me know what you would do.
RUN!!!!
RUN!!!! Run as fast as you can away from him and the psycho slut he was dumb enough to have a child with. You think you can put up with it now, because you are relatively newly back together, but believe me, when the shine wears off your relationship, all that will be left is a vindictive, angry ex-wife who will do everything in her power to mess your life up every day for the rest of your life. I promise you, you will end up like me, hatefully resenting the ex-wife and the child and being actively angry at your husband for ever being stupid enough to be in a relationship or procreate with someone so evil and nasty in the first place.
I saw a pole yesterday either on this site or cafemom that asked, "Knowing what you know now about his ex and his children, would you marry your husband again?" The answer was overwhelmingly NO!!! A few said yes, but I have to think the bm's in their equation must be relatively sane and not out to destroy them financially, emotionally and personally. The bm's have all the power in every situation post divorce, and you will have none. If you can handle this psycho slut having complete control over your life, stay with the man. It sucks to feel so powerless, and as a result of that, you'll end up feeling used.
I know you will get other opinions and I know you will follow your heart. That's what got all of us here, on this venting website, following our hearts, but now, many of us wish we had made different decisions. Nothing I have said has been meant to be cruel or mean, just the opinion of someone who wishes she would have ran as quickly as possible in the other direction. For what it's worth, my husband is a good man too, always has been. But after five years of putting up with his ex, he cannot begin to make up for the hell she causes for us.
I say let it completely go.
First, you should never, ever have any direct contact with her. Ever. Second, let him handle her however he will. She's his problem. Third, she will only be able to harass him for as long as he entertains it. If he refuses to be available, she'll have no audience.
If he wants it to stop, then he'll take some kind of action to stop it all by himself without any nudging from you. If he doesn't, then he's still just as caught up in the back-and-forth drama as she is and that should be a big red flag for you.
If she keeps texting him, maybe he should consider blocking her number or even changing his number and using only email to communicate with her. If she withholds visitation, then he should file contempt charges against her. If she shows up where she's not welcome and won't leave, then he can call the cops. If the harassment is to the point that it's interfering in a major way with his ability to function, then yes, he needs to see his atty about getting some protection. Those things are no-brainers.
The hard part is doing exactly what you say you cannot do... sitting idly by while you wait for him to deal. I've BTDT. I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut while they do or don't do something that you believe will not resolve the issue, but make it worse instead. But you almost HAVE to do that. If you push him to take some kind of action that puts him in an even worse place with BM/SD, then he'll blame you. All you can really do is let him know you are sorry he's going through this, that you are available if he needs to talk and that you stand by ready to offer whatever support you can. Then you wait. You detach yourself from the situation as much as you can, you live your life as if everything's coming up roses and you wait.
There may come a time, and you'll know it when you get there, that you have to decide if you can live like this indefinitely. If he's worth living like this indefinitely. My BM chilled out after a few years and now we have a cordial relationship, she and I. (DH still hates her.) You may never have that, given your history, but she may finally one day decide to find something else to do with her life, other that irritate him, and then maybe she'll dry up and blow away. Can you dig deep and find the patience to wait for it? I don't think you can put a time limit on it, but I would say that as long as you know he is actively doing something to try to make things better, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Some men need a little nudge to stand up for themselves, but some men resent it and will push you back even harder than they push back against BM.
I think the best thing you can do is let him know you support him, but let him handle it on his own while you do what you need to do to insulate yourself from her.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Thank you so much. :)
Thank you so much for all of your advice. I haven't ever been in this position so I have been giving my advice to him of what I would do. But since I am not really in his positon I don't know how hard it is for him. I know he really wants her to stay out of his life. Trying to have a calm conversation with her isn't working for him. She has been living with her BF for over a year and a half now, which you would think would stop her from calling my BF all the time. But it doesn't. Actually when they had the child exchange this last Sunday her BF was sitting right next to her in the car when she turned to my BF and said that maybe they should get back together, which my BF said absolutly not a chance in hell. He has their daugher the majority of the time, the BM only gets her every other weekend and summer's. But since she had her the first part of this year he is going to have her for the summer and the school year. I told him the only reason she said that is because it would be convinient for her. She would have a babysitter, the money, not have to drive halfway to come and get her, and best of all she would be able to keep an eye on him whenever she wants. He agreed with that.
I in no way hate his ex, in fact I try to put her comments in another light when he calls and vents to me about what she said or did. I am not on her side, but I figure that if I put it in another light one day he won't hate her so much, nothing takes up more of your energy as hating someone. I actually pity her, she tends to make a bad situation worse. Like this new guy she is dating, he is kind of a loser, who she says she wants to marry. He sponges off of her and only works in the summer. She calls up my BF and tells him that she has already cheated on this new guy with a copier repair man at work. Then she goes into details about it. She just doesn't get it that she is creating these situations. What is her excuse now that she is cheating? It definatly can't be me again. She is just very selfish, and my BF knows that.
I can guarentee you that he won't block her anytime soon. But he has been ignoring her phone calls, which I think is a good start. On that note, I have never intentionally called her. Whenever my BF didn't have his phone on him she would pick up. And me being unaware that it was actually her I would say "long time no hear stranger", and her response is to threaten me. Or if I called and got his answering message, she would call me back.
I love him very much and I would wait for as long as he needs, but I won't wait if he isn't trying to make his bad situation better. He says that he is trying to make his daughter's life happier, but if he isn't taking any actions to stop his ex in her tracks he isn't making anything better for his daughter. In fact he will probably make them worse because the older she gets the more she will understand and the more she will mimic what is going on in her parents lives. I know this and he knows it but he just hasn't figured out how to pose it to his ex that they need to stop fighting, or should I say she needs to stop fighting. And he has to learn to hang up on her when she wants to fight. That is where the e-mails should come in. Then he has everything documented.
Thank you again for your comments, I would love to hear anything else you may have to say.
Thanks! :)
That is exactly what I was thinking. I agree that he can't co-parent with this woman. She can choose to raise their daughter the way she feels necessary while she has her and it is the same for him. I have been there when the daughter comes back from the mother's. She is not the nicest person when she comes back. She throws temper tantrums to get her way, she hits (but that doesn't last for long because my BF won't allow it), and she gives everyone an attitude or doesn't do what you tell her to do. I also like your comments about what to say to the child if they ask about something mommy said. I don't want to tell her what to believe so those are the perfect comments.
I will keep you posted on the outcome. I know it will be a hard road.
Thank you very much for your comments, please let me know if you have anything else to say.
Here's what I had to do
My ex would call constantly, repeatedly sometimes 15 or twenty times in a row. He would leave messages and text several times too. He would call my employer and demand to speak with me. I started catching him driving by my house at night, slowing down to look. One time, I awoke in the morning to find my sliding glass door ajar. Ex had put the locking part on upside down accidently (you bet he remembered he never did fix it) which made it extremely easy to get into. I was totally creeped out thinking he was watching me sleep. Of course, he swore he didn't do it. Once before my current DH and I married, DH's Harley truck was parked in my driveway, my ex drove by during broad daylight and keyed it down both sides. He admitted he drove by that day, but wouldn't admit to scratching the truck. Yeah right. Then after my current DH and I married, we bought a car. Hmmm, somehow it exploded in our driveway (the explosion was heard all over town)and burned to a crisp. I called the fire marshall but they were unable to determine the cause. I still wonder about that to this day. Was it ex? I started keeping a record of everything. I printed out detailed cell phone bills and took them to court. I got a restraining order against him for stalking. It was in effect for three years. That is the only way I got his attention. The ONLY time he could call was once a day to talk to our daughter.
I don't know how bad your situation is becoming with the calling etc.., but it will have to be your SO who puts a stop to it. Anything else will make you look like the bad guy. Sometimes, if his ex is like mine, you have to show them you won't be messed with. I forgot to mention, before the restraining order, my current DH had to kick ex's butt twice before he learned not to threaten DH or me anymore. Situations can escalate if action is not taken, but it's not really your place to do it. Your SO will have to get his fill. I know my situtaion was an extreme, but that's the road I had to take for it to stop.
Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
My BF wants an outcome like
My BF wants an outcome like yours, maybe not as extreme but all the same he wants that with all of his heart. He is just so confused right now and exhausted that he needs to sort it out and take action.
Thank you for your experience, I hope his ex doesn't do what your ex does, but I wouldn't put it past her.
I would have a heart to heart....
Is he only talking to you once a week now because of her? Did I read that right?
Ok....he needs to stand up to her or walk away from you. This is not fair. He is allowing her to control his life and every time he pushes you away in order to have a break from the drama, then he is only encouraging her behavior by giving her exactly what she wants- to come between the two of you. He is also showing his daughter that you are not a priority to him, her mother's moods are. This can only lead to SK trouble later, as his daughter learns by mom's example how to manipulate her father.
Maybe he isn't ready to commit to someone else because he has unfinished business with his ex. I don't know.
If she is texting that many times a day then that is cyber/phone harassment and he will have TONS of proof in those texts. He needs to call his lawyer and modify the communication portion of their agreement, adding more detail to how and how much communication will occur.
The bottom line is this:
His daughter is important of course. But his relationship with you should be equally important. The love/life partner relationship in your life is the core. The children are important, but should not be the main center of your life. If the kids see their parent in a relationship that is a priority for their parent, as they grow up they will benefit from that example. I would settle for nothing less from him.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
He is only talking to me
He is only talking to me once a week, but not nessesarily because of her. He has a lot going on right now and he said that he is sick of calling me up only to talk about what is going on with that situation. He is so consumed with that situation that he can't think of anything else. Not that he doesn't want to but everything else in his life that he encounters day to day doesn't hold a candle to this drama he has going on. Also he is not the kind of guy who likes drama in his life. We don't really get to see each other all that often because it is a long distance relationship (he lives a state away) but we always make time for each other. Usually every other weekend or sometimes every weekend. But we have been great friends for so long we decided that we can make this work, which it has been going great. We would call each other every day to make up for the distance and we got to know each other very well. We both knew it was going to be hard on him when his Ex found out about me being back in the picture, but neither one of us thought she was going to be like this. I am not in his shoes and even if I don't believe that me giving him space will help, he believes it and I will respect that.
I have told him that his daughter needs to see a successful relationship so that she will grow up believing that is the norm. Even though he knows that, he has to first get her off his back or he won't have a good relationship with anyone, because he will transfer his anger to any girl he dates and he won't be happy and she won't be happy. So I believe he believes he is doing the right thing. But he also knows I won't wait for him forever. So once he feels he can give me his all or at least his most, he will be distant for awhile. I am not him, but that is my feeling from what he said.
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
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