My BS 13 has been doing so much better with his attitude. And therefore, DH and I have been lighter about some of his worser traits. (Like how over the summer or weekends he would lay around doing nothing but watching ESPN all day if we let him.) A few nights ago he went to a friend's then ended up somewhere else close by playing baseball. When he had left I told him to be back by 6:15 for dinner. I had to go looking for him because I didn't know he wasn't at the friend's house he said he would be at. AT 6:30. BUT..since he had been doing better I just asked him to PLEASE respect dinner time next time. Yesterday, he was slow getting ready and would be late for baseball practice and I sat in the van waiting on him for TEN minutes. Did I jump on his case about it? NO. I said, "You really need to get ready faster next time."
I guess when DH picked him up from baseball practice he was the LAST kid down from the field making DH wait on him again. He moves like a sloth.... on downers. Did DH complain? Nope he let it go because BS 13 had been so much improved. He even took the boys to Best Burger and let them get milkshakes since it was 90+ degrees yesterday.
Then I got home around 9, from a women's group I recently joined, and saw both BS's playing in the yard, then the front yard of their friend across the street. Then a few minutes later (well after 9:30 and pitch black out) I looked outside and the had vanished. I called and called for them thinking they must be in the neighbor's back yard where I just couldn't see them, because they KNOW they aren't to leave and wander around the neighborhood after dark.
NO ANSWER.
I called for a good 5-10 minutes.
LOUD.
So I start to walk across the street when BS 11 comes scurrying across the street to come in.
ME- "Where WERE you?"
BS 11- (Friend's) back yard.
ME - WHY didn't you answer when I yelled for you?
BS 11- I didn't hear you til just now.
Then I see BS 13 glaring at me from his friend's driveway. I tell him to come here and he refuses. We debate this for several minutes across the street from each other. Finally I go to him and demand he go home. Once again he refuses. Then he goes into a rant about how we are the most controlling parents, how everyone else's parents let them do what they want, watch the TV they want, have no parental controls on the TV, or computer. He claims his friend's parents (who never allowed cable TV in their home before) got cable and his friend (who up until this year went to a private Christian school) is allowed to watch whatever and whenever he wants (not buying that one.) Also, he brings up how we won't buy a game system for them, how he "NEEDS" on the computer every day for fantasy baseball but I "NEVER" let him. He even went as far as to say that he didn't get a final project done for school (ie he's getting a bad grade and wants to blame me for it) because I wouldn't let him on the computer in time. I was livid and got sucked right into the argument. First of all...I DID let him on the computer MONDAY night after he laid around half the weekend not mentioning he had a school project. He said it wasn't enough time and continued to blame me because he can't get on the computer whenever he wants.
All this arguing....
IN HIS FRIEND'S PARENT'S GARAGE.
Then his friend went into his house because he was so uncomfortable with BS 13 arguing with me, as well as dragging their household privileges into it. Pretty soon his friend and his dad came out to go on an evening run together and I got BS to at least come out of their garage so they could shut it. The dad did not acknowledge us, I'm not sure out of respect or disdain for my son's choosing his driveway to argue with me.
My BS also threw a jab at me that my EXH supports him and thinks I have a control issues but won't tell me to my face. How over there they are "normal" parents and we are "ridiculous."
I told him to go live there then.
He said he doesn't want to, that I need to change myself to make our house better.
ARGHHHHHHHHHH
I tell you fellow Steptalkers, that the curse of blended homes is that we both have the cop-out of them saying "It's soooo much better over THERE"- and us retorting "SO FINE go live there then!" I've read the "experts" I KNOW I'm not supposed to say it, but I'm tired of having it thrown in my face how great that house is when I know from talking to both SM and exH that there are TONS of blended issues there, tons of arguments there.
Now...I finally walked across the street, came inside and LOCKED the door. He came soon after and then had to knock to be let in. I was already on the phone with his dad and BS sat in the living room eavesdropping and making sure to give commentary that I was lying when repeating to his dad what BS said to me.
I think my Exh tries to play the diplomat here all the time. He tells me that what he says to BS is, "It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, she's your mother and you need to respect her." ExH has told me a million times that this is what he says. THIS time I blatantly said, "I think you need to rephrase that. He is HEARING you say, "I think YOU ARE RIGHT, but you need to respect her..." I don't think my exH gets it. I think he's trying to appease us both. I also happen to know that my exH HATES computers, gameboys, xboxes, cell phones etc, and that he has let these things go at his house to appease his wife who thinks the kids should have them because why? EVERY OTHER PARENTS GIVE THEM. It's a source of contention between them at their house. BUT will exh tell BS that? No.
I just am so worn out. I was reading in my book about not negotiating with Teens that when you let anything little go, like we have for a few weeks to reward his trying and doing so well, that they see it as us becoming weak and they pounce on us thinking they've managed to wear us down. I definitely feel that way.
Last night I dreamed about my son taking off all through our two adjoining allotments (300 plus houses) and I kept chasing him trying to talk to him and get him to come home. ALL night this was my dream. I woke up exhausted.
I think that he knows I hate how micromanaged we have to be because of SD's personality disorder (though he doesn't know about the disorder.) He knows I hate it, he can sense that I question our parenting with SD myself all the time, and so he uses that insecurity to get at me and try to make me feel like shit.
It's working.
I want them to go to boarding school and then perhaps they would appreciate home more.
I mean, we are going to Peter Pan at the local theatre Sat night. We are going to Pittsburgh in a week or so. Why do he and SD both sabotage our relationship, and never appreciate the things we do for them????? WHY?
im so not looking forward to the teenage years
i think the problem is when they live primarily w one parent, yes they have to respect those rules and typically the NCP is into guilt parenting and doesnt see them as much so he/she is lax w the kids. u as the parents have the responsibility to set standards for your kids and hold them to them. i can appreciate u saying when they improve in one area, u may let another area slide, and then they take advantage, so dont let the other area slide. keep on them. maybe just say, we appreciate the improvements u made in X, and we expect them to continue. now lets work on Y. it will be tough now, but u know u are doing rite by them when u expect these things from them. are there other areas u can be flexible on? maybe talk w DH and think about it and rearrange your priorities for your boys??? i dunno...i dont really have experience. personally, i think my FH is too leniant w his son...hes a really good kid, but he doesnt do much around the house and sometimes complains about what little he has, and has gotten a bit mouthy. all due to his age, but i just dont think FH is tough enough on him. i know its bc w his older son, he was really tough and SS ended up hating him and having a horrible relationship for a year or so, so FH is afraid to make that mistake again...BUT...there are areas, like his grades, where FH definitely needs to enforce some stronger rules. its gets to u bc u care so much and thats a good thing. you'll figure it out.
have fun in da burgh! say hi to my hometown for me...i miss it so much! what are your plans while youre there? if the pirates are in town, catch a game...the stadium is breathtaking. *sigh* i miss home
50/50 has it's set backs
Because I feel the boys feel no repsonsibility to either household. But they do get a chore list over there. I know it's a good idea, but both their dad and SM work full time and the kids are home alone all day there. I think chore lists are much more frustrating when you stay at home. At their dad's they have all day to complete it and can procrastinate because no one's home to notice them lying around. So they have developed this "I'll do it when I flippin' feel like it" attitude here too.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to work and let them duke it out. But since they've done smart things like chase each other with knives (see my Lord of the Flies post from Nov) I could never leave them in good faith.
They complain there's NOTHING to do around here because we don't have Xbox. Wah wah wah. I'm so tired of hearing about their miserable life. I WANT to say "You have it so flippin' rough don't you. Nice house, enough food, sporting teams, parents who love you and take you places. a basketball hoop, tons of kids in your neighborhood to play with. It's so rough."
I'm "controlling" because there's a limit on junk food. I'm "controlling" because there's a limit on TV and computer. I'm "controlling" because I take away radios left on, gameboys left lying around, chargers plugged in with nothing charging on them, tell them to pick up their crap, close the front door to keep the heat out with the AC on. These are their complaints.
I'm not full of sympathy these days.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Because they are kids and that's what kids do.
I gave birth to the rabbit and the hare. One's a sloth and one I cannot keep up with, no matter how fast I try to be. I can never make them both happy at the same time. How much harder it must be balancing between steps and bios on a daily basis! Sometimes it's hard not to say those things we're not supposed to say. I find myself using BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO a lot, but I finally decided that I don't have to explain myself to my children every single time. Sometimes being the boss is reason enough for them to obey me. It must be working, though, because just yesterday when I was getting on BD5 about cleaning up a mess she had made, she said, "I know, Mama, I know... you're the boss!"
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I asked the shrink that though...
It's not innate though, it's cultural. And it's so heavily influenced by having two different home environments.
This is the downside to blending for sure. Perhaps the biggest.
How can they turn out normal when they have these two different environments all the time?
Though BS 11 is still passing with flying colors. I lucked out with him for sure.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
sita
I dont know what to say it must have been so frustrating to stand there and have him tell you know ( and feel helpless) not like we can pick up and carry them home anymore right.
I am sure most of us moms have found ourself in your position, I told my youngest BS one time to go stay with his dad ( he was saying something about not having enough snacks at my place and how his dad had all kinds of food) then he said to me but this is my home, I was shocked into silence,(so there is hope)
but like you commented in a step child world the grass maybe always seem greener.
hang tough sweetie, I raised two bioboys and am still here to talk about it.
big hugs!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Speaking of Picking them up and making them ...
This is what my ex and his wife do with BS 13. PHYSICALLY force him into the room or through the door when he won't budge. My exH keeps telling me that DH and I have his blessing to do the same.
?????
First of all DH doesn't want to be the SF who is physical with BS. I don't blame him. Believe me there are times I want to slap the snide look of SD's face too, but I don't. And with BS 13, I gave up on spanking him as a child because by 8 or 9 he was too big for me to wrestle with anymore. What good would it do?
Now BS 13 is 5'8 (I'm 5'3.) He outweighs me. If I wanted to I couldn't "force" him to do anything without risking injury.
I think that the fact that they will do it makes him listen to them better, and it's also allowing him to NOT listen to me. They are definitely a part of this equation.
I am looking into a counselor. It's long overdue. I was just so burned out because I'm the one going to SD's counselor too (DH can't get out of work and the Dr is only in 9-4 AND of course BM won't go anywhere near a counselor.)
Exh finally said he'd go too if it would help. It would. A counselor needs to tell him a few things about how his words and actions are causing BS to feel he doesn't need to listen to anyone but his dad.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Ok....here's an interesting update
EVERYONE is being super helpful and nice today. BS 13 kept coming and sitting by me in the office while I was on the computer this morning. He kept making small talk. Then I was in the kitchen cleaning up and he came in and gave me a hug. No "I'm sorry" but a hug and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. I also told him that next time he needs to calm down, come home when told, and we will discuss what it is about our house that he would like to see different. That way, we can discuss how we can both work toward a happier environment (ie the kids help me out around the house in the am of summer days, and then I will let them have more privileges in the pm. It was a good talk, and I had a similar one with SD too.
I am wondering if their immaturity has led them to keep everything in then vent disrespectfully to me, ie explode, rather than talk calmly about things to me so we can all work them out. It's frustrating because DH and I don't do that. They have to be picking it up at the other houses as the way to handle their emotions.
I will have to really not take either of their bait from now on, but man is it hard when they pull out all the jabs, you know? Kids can be majorly cruel and manipulative. I just don't get that. I am going to "beat" it out of them (metaphorically of course) in the next few years.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
even at 19 y/o
ok this is going to be a little long winded in order to get to my point, so Wednesday my two biosons had an all day moviethon, which is fine they have nice friends, so refreshements run out and they need to make a soda run, now 19 y/o is restricted from driving my car cuz he fiddle farted around about finding a job still doesnt have one and can not afford gas in his car -so I told him no more driving my car, his is a beater Saturn- (plus my comes already gassed up!) so oldest son said that 19 y/o was taking my car for a soda run, which I was fine cuz he was doing it for friends and they were going to give gas money, so I was kidding with youngest and said oh sure go ahead take my car...in a sing song voice ya know, so he smarts back to me "big brother said to take your car" and I said "oh he diiid is he the boss?" all in fun but youngest got snotty and said fine I will just take my car and I said fine if you are going to be shitty (all the kids in the house are over 18) then take your car. It is unusal for him to act like that in front of his friends. so I let it go- I was angry but did not let it bother me too much, I figured it was a misunderstanding and dropped it, (not to say it didnt hurt my feelings) ssssooo anyway to the point, he came up to my yesterday and hugged me and put his head down on my shoulder and said he was sorry and that he would never take my car without permission, I told him I knew that and that I was playing around with him. he hugged me again and said he loved me -
so even at 19 they can still be little boys.
you are a good mom Sita! keep up the good work.
sorry to hijack your post
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
The compare game.
Those issues you are presantly facing are things many of us face. "So and so's parent's are nice, leniant and indulge their kid's every whim!". Okay, kids wouldn't phrase it that way, but that's what we hear. It makes me want to respond by stating to teen: "Peter my friends 13 year old never has to be told to do the dishes or do his homework -- he's so awesome. Why can't you be like him?" How would teens like it if we compared them to someone else that we think is much better then them. I know their teens, but where do you draw the line for these self indulgent, entitled little brats.
I know it's probably an age thing, but it feels like these teens put all the responsiblity of their happiness, grades etc firmly on our shoulders. But is it partially due to them not having any responsiblity of their own. Not learning cause and effect of their actions. Not being accountable. They need to learn that they are responsible for their own happiness. I know adults in their 30s and 40s who still blame their parents or others for their unhappiness. I don't want the kids in my life to end up like those finger pointing adults.
Not sure if this would help you or not...
Granted he isn't a teen yet, but he has the stubbornness of an adult. ss7 is pretty mouthy when he gets his mind set on doing/not doing something. I have started giving him the evil eye and asking him "What do you think I am about to say about......(insert activity/topic)" It's funny how he always knows exactly what my reprimand is going to be.....
When he responds then I ask him what he thinks he should do about it and he almost always "decides" to do the right thing. It's then his decision and not necessarily me coming down on him all the time.
Not sure if you have tried or read the Parenting with Love and Logic books, but there are some really good tips for how to pick your battles and how to phrase your requests or demands and still let your kids save face.
Make it their decision
I have friends who teaches at-risk teens and these teens really are a tough bunch. The stories are exhausting just to listen to. Some of the ways they deal with the teens are not new but they are consistent in implementing the rules. First off they put a set of rules and consequences in place. The attitude of obeying or disobeying is it's up to the teen. It's the teen's decision, if they do disobey they have to pay the price, they have consequences. Consequences are physical: push-up, sit-ups or laps. If the teen argues there are more consequences. It's up to the teen -- you (teen) choose.
It doesn't eliminate drama or bad behavior but it helps. The most important thing he said is setting the rules and being consistent every time. No exceptions ever. If a teen DECIDES to break a rule, that teen has chosen to pay the consequence.
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