You are here

25 year old SS can do no wrong!

2ndplace's picture

I have been married to my DH for 3 years. We have been together for 6 years. He has a 25 year old son. I have 3 grown kids of my own. His son lived with us after getting out of the military so he could go to school. He also worked while going to school. I hated having him live with us. My DH allowed him to move in with us without considering my feelings about this. Well, the SS finally moved into his own apartment and I was very happy. I had felt like a prisoner in my own home because of privacy issues, etc. My DH has his son on a pedestal and he thinks he can do no wrong. I could not say anything about his son. If I did, I was told that I must really hate my SS. So, after my SS lived in his apartment for a while my DH decided that he wanted him back living with us! He didn't consult me on this and told his son to move back in. Now he is living in the house, going to school and not working. He decided to quit his job when he moved back in because he thought he wasn't being paid enough. It was a part time job while going to school! My DH pays all his bills. I couldn't stand living there with him in the house all the time. He was there most of the day and all he does is play video games and yell and cuss at the TV. He does nothing else. He never says a word to me. Never!

I owned my own business for 20 years. I was a hard worker and always had something going on. At times I ran 2 businesses at the same time. At the age of 50 I became disabled. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. My mind still wants to be the entreprenuer I always was, but my body won't let me. It's almost unbearable at times. I've always been extremely independent and now I have to depend on someone else. It's very difficult.

When we got married I expected to share everything. I expected to have a joint checking account. Well, I was told quickly that there would be no joint checking. I didn't like that, but I dealt with it for a couple of years. I was eventually able to convince DH that I needed to be on the account so I could pay bills when he wasn't able to. He is very bad at that by the way. Anyway, so we went to the bank to add me to the account. When there, I discovered that he had put his son on the account when it was opened about a year before. The account had been opened about a year and a half after we got married. So his son was on the account that DH's paycheck went to. The account that our bills were paid out of. And I, his wife, was denied being on the account. When he added me I said his son should not be on our joint checking account and I asked that he be taken off. DH refused. So he is still on the account!!!

So, I moved out. I told my DH that I was not going to live there until SS moved out. That's next May or June. I am living alone on my disability income. My DH does little to help me with anything. I have been going to the house to do my laundry once a week. I did that tonight and went into the guest bath that SS uses and couldn't believe the mess. It was filthy! We remodeled that bath and everything in there was new. I was sick to see it in such a bad state. I mentioned it to my DH that SS needs to clean the bathroom. Well, when I got home he sent me a text saying how much I must hate his son and that I shouldn't go back over to the house until SS moves out!!! He said he didn't know what to do with me.

I resent my SS, but it's really mostly my DH's fault. I resent being treated like I have been. I feel so much stress when I'm in the presence of my SS. He doesn't even have to be in the same room. I just needed a place to vent. I don't know what to do about this situation right now. I feel numb. I can't afford to file for a divorce and I am afraid I won't be able to afford living on my own. I can't work at all. I am 54 years old. My kids all have jobs, but struggle themselves to pay their own way. But at least they are on their own. They pay their own way. My daughter worked two jobs to put herself through college and lived on her own the entire time. They aren't afraid of work.

I know this seems like rambling, but it's hard to keep my thoughts straight right now. I'm feeling very abused right now. Not physically, but mentally. I would like to know if I'm out of line in thinking that I should have had a say in whether my SS moved back in with us. I know I'm right in that my husband was very mean in telling me not to come back to the house until his son was gone. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I need money, but my DH won't give me any. He has a good income and plenty of money to help me. He pays all my SS's bills, but won't help me. He blames everything on me. It's all my fault. If I was my old self I would just move on and not look back. But in my present situation, I don't know how I can accomplish that. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I the one that's wrong??

Orange County Ca's picture

In this position there is not much you can do. Live with the kid or continue as you are. Or see an attorney to see what rights you may have to alamony or assets.

Most attorneys will give an initial consultation for free and some will wait to get paid until the divorce finances are settled. This route is good as it usually indicates that the attorney believes some money will be forthcoming from the divorce or the attorney is so hungry s/he'll take anything that comes along.

In any event my advise is see an attorney.

ownedbypedro's picture

Oh dear, I am very sorry for your situation. NO, my dear you are NOT wrong and you are NOT just feeling sorry for yourself for no good reason.

Your husband is a first class ASS. I just divorced one of those after 26 years of marriage and the most entitled, manipulative, nasty adult ss you can imagine. My ss was ALWAYS like dh's "mini wife" - dh gave him adult status in our home and in our family from the time he was 12 years old. It was and is JUST SICK.

My situation isn't much better (almost divorced, living alone, struggling to get by while my ex continues to support his 38 year old son, son's wife and 3 kids). But I'm HAPPY to be OUT of that creepy situation.

OCC is right (gawd it pains me to say that) - you are entitled to some assets or some spousal support or what not - only a lawyer can tell you specifically. Is there a legal aid agency for low income folks in your area? You might maybe do some research on that.

I would ignore them both completely. Your husband will need you before you need him. Be aware: with you out of the house, don't be surprised if your husband asks your ss to stay on.

My dear, make a list of what you have going for you. Make a list of your options. Make a list of your resources. Is any kind of part time employment possible and still get partial disability? Do you qualify for food stamps, medical assistance, utility assistance?

Do you have friends you can have coffee with, family you can spend time with, etc.? You need to put down in writing everything you have going for you and all of your possible options.

Your husband will NEVER change, of that I am sure. He has done you a huge wrong by giving your ss adult status in your home and your relationship.

LRP75's picture

If you are on disability, you may qualify for legal assistance through some charities. Call around. Also, there are housing subsidies that will help you because you are on disability. Accepting that help may require that you move into another city. Also, local churches and food pantries will give you special consideration because you are disabled. Don't be afraid to get food stamps or other aid. It will be rough to support yourself, but it can be done. You will just need to cast your net a little further and think outside of the box.

The financial struggle to live independently is a far superior quality of life than to live being treated like a substandard human being. You deserve better.

(((HUG)))

2ndplace's picture

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes I do live in a community property state. None of my kids are married and all live with roommates. No help there. At the present I am living in an RV. It's not bad, but there is no washer and dryer so I have to leave to do laundry. It is difficult to ask for help. I've always relied on myself and it feels terrible to have to do that. The light of day makes everything a little better. I am thinking a little more clearly today and ready to make some sort of plan on how to move on. My husband is going to be pretty lonely when his son leaves next year. His career choice will force SS to move from the town we live in. Maybe DH will see what a mistake he made by allienating me. But by then, hopefully, I'll have moved on to greener pastures. Thanks again everyone.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Please see an attorney. Perhaps the local Women's shelter can offer you a free consultation. You are disabled and living in an RV while your SS and DH have forced you out of your home, That in a community property state you are entitled to a share of. Being with him for six years is a long time... At the very least the attorney may be able to petition for emergency spousal support. You do not have to be already divorced usually to get that. So best to seek legal advice. Living in an RV is not horrible....lots of people do it by choice. But where is it parked? Do you have to pay lot rent, septic fees, etc.
You will be better off without your DH. He has made his choice. Do not worry if he will be lonely..if so whatever...so what. Worry about yourself now. Move on with your life. Find those resources to help yourself get thru this time. Do not be a victim.
You sound like a nice lady...remember who you are...not who they want you to be.
You live in an RV...you can go anywhere you want to...why be stuck in a rut!
((((((hugs)))))

witsend71's picture

Good for you for ending the suffering. You didn't leave because of the SS. You left because your DH refused to treat you as an equal partner and refused to lay down and enforce ground rules including paying rent. My SD is 25 and is the reason for all problems w boyfriend of almost 13 years. She has disabilities so that's the excuse for her never having to go to school or work or use manners of any sort. Her BM may build a house across the street and that could make thinks much worse. Its sad but I need to have an exit strategy if things get too bad. When she's not around....things are just fine.