Step Talk

thats you saw ive been deleting sorry

the best way it was that was explained to me was imagine the triangle you and your dh holdind the 3rd point up being the kids and if you and dh arent srtong every one will fall

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

I see it as kind of a mix of both, like baby1980 said. My relationship with my BF is #1 priority for me. However, if the kids are not happy, that makes for a troubled relationship. And if the parents are unhappy, that makes for troubled kids. So to me, it is like a balancing act.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

The best way to demonstrate "putting the kids first" is actually by putting the marriage first. Stability and continuity are so important for children to have growing up and I believe that the best way to give them those things is by creating a strong marital foundation on which to build that family. I don't think it even matters if we're talking about traditional families or blended ones. All kids need to see a positive, strong marital relationship in order to be successful in their own relationships. If you and your spouse are united, then you can provide better discipline for the children, because they will not be able to divide and conquer to get their own way. If you are united, then you are better prepared to deal with whatever crises arise. If you are united, then you can show children by your own example how to treat others in a relationship and how they should expect others to treat them in a relationship. I just think there is so much children can learn from having a postive marital role model. Whether it's their parents together or a parent/stepparent marriage, a strong parental unit can be a major stabilizing force in a child's life. The more secure they are of the causes and effects in their lives, the less likely they are to test the boundaries you set for them. I don't think it's impossible to raise healthy, happy, successful children as a single parent or as a parent in a bad marriage, but I do believe it's a whole lot easier to do that with some solid back-up.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Also was on this topic. I feel strongly that if the marriage comes first, everyone associated with it will be happy. After all, the marriage produced the children. The children didn't choose the marriage. And the children will grow up and be independent.

Just can't get my husband to see it that way, exactly. I'm sure having stepchildren in the mix complicates the situation.

Stepkids definetly complicate the situation. Becuase you are bringing them into a new relationship, I think the bio parent has a tendency to feel like they need to protect the child by putting there needs above all others. This doesn't seem to work from what I've seen. My DH always says I may not like it, but his kids come first and always will. In reality I think he does put our relationship first sometimes although not as much as he should, and he just doesn't realize it. I think he is afraid of BM accusing him of not caring about the kids needs. I've tried to explain this concept to him just to make sure we are on the same page, but he didn't really grasp it. I am hoping some other perspectives will help me word it better. Thanks!

Hermom, tell him that by suggesting you put the marriage first that you are not meaning to make him choose you over them. There can be no choice at all in either direction. The love you feel for a child and the love you feel for a spouse are two very different things. Each can be your #1 priority. You don't even have to describe it in terms of ranking things by importance or priority. Just tell him that after food, clothing and shelter, kids need love, security and stability. Tell him that the best way to give them love, security and stability is to make sure that the marriage is a strong one. You have to set a good example for them, because if YOU can model a successful marriage, then THEY will have a better chance at having successful unions later on. If your marriage is strong and secure, then the children will feel safe and comfortable. Maybe if you take any wording out that suggests choice, priorty, rank, etc. he'll be more receptive. Talk about setting a good example for the kids and giving them the security of not growing up within a second unstable relationship.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)