I'm kinda at a loss here and I figured this was the place to throw it out there.
As you all know my husband has two lovely daughters that don't know me terribly well. I often wonder what my "place" is as well...I mean, do I call them and initiate contact? Invite them for lunch or dinner? I would hate to do that and then have them feel obligated to go and THAT's uncomfortable.
They didn't know me from Adam and all of a sudden, WHAM, I'm their dad's wife. His older daughter knew we were getting married when we did it but the younger daughter kind of got it sprung on her (when we actually GOT married, that is) and I am secretly afraid she might resent me for it. They were both kinda pissed they weren't there to see their dad get married, but neither one of us wanted a big production of a wedding.
So, okay, the older daughter seems cool with me, that's fine, and after a couple of, well, not rocky, but awkward starts his younger daughter is, too(like, the very first time his younger daughter even met me it was like, boom! Hi, I'm your dad's fiance...she was...er...nonplussed to say the least, and of course I understand that)...but we've had contact (dinners, concerts, etc.) after that and I can believe as she is getting to know me she is warming up to me.
I am afraid to telephone either one of the girls myself because I don't want to be pushy, and once I returned an email the older one sent to me, it's like *thumb twiddle, what do I do now*...and like I told my husband, I don't see them beating down OUR door, either, but my husband says, hey, honey, they don't call *me* all that often either, becuase they are getting about their lives.
I'm not complaining, honestly, I promise! I'd rather they were the beautiful, confident, self-sufficient young ladies that they are rather than have them up their dad's butt at every turn whining about something...it's just that...I guess I am new at this stepparenting business, and want to make a good impression and wanted some feedback.
I let my husband handle all contact...and when they come over and see us now and then or we see them I participate, but make THEM the focal point of the visit...I've often asked my husband and encouraged him to take them out to lunch/dinner by himself (though I am horrendously ashamed to admit the very first time he took the younger one out to dinner by themselves I threw a slight jealous fit (for his eyes only, lucky him) because it was on MY time...yes, I've gotten over myself since then-LOL, live, learn and adjust, right?)
Anyhow I guess I am just looking for some reassurance of some sort, I guess! Nobody has ever been, like, rude to me or anything, but they're not open-puppy friendly like me so that makes me nervous. I guess I am not quite sure what the protocol is, if any. I don't have any children of my own.
My husband says it'll come "in time" ... and I'm sure it will...I am just the kind of person who doesn't like rejection so I will not usually intiate contact with someone, if that makes sense. And especially after what happened over the weekend regarding their mother (stay out the "FAMILY" functions, lady!), well, I don't to stir up trouble, be pushy, or give anyone anything to talk about.
This is what my mother says:
"You can only be what you are..............YOU do not have to kiss their rear ends.....but YOU do have to be pleasant.....and I have said this numerous times..........if they never warm up to you then at least there will be civility.....Nobody has outright been rude to you.............so you just keep trying and adjusting...........each month was better than the month before.......and maybe now his family will realize that too!!!!!!!!!!! If not, you just do less things with his family (but never ever talk against them)........"
Gotta love Ma. I am her mini-me after all! I do believe she has summed it up in a nutshell, but like I say I am just throwing this out there looking for other's thoughts as well! Thanks you guys.
Paranoid
Be yourself
Paranoid, I love reading your blogs and can tell that you are an awesome person - I'd want you for a stepmom! You seem like lots of fun and have a great personality! Just be your wonderful self in all of your glory! That's who the girls will ultimately come to love- just you: the perfectly imperfect human being that your wonderful DH feel madly in love with. Invite them to do things that you love to do then you will be very comfortable. Let them see why their father feel in love with you! Lots of people are just reserved - my kids are that way - even with me. My DH understands that. They like him alot but they are not likely to strike up a conversation unless prompted or be really friendly and he understands that just their personality. If you are a big puppy love kind of a person, still be that way, you can't nor should you try to change who you are. I believe that they will come to appreciate that!
Be MYSELF?! EEEEEEeeeeek!
You are so kind, goldenlife, thank you!!!!!!!! *Squeak*
The trouble is, his daughters are, well, they are SO pretty and SO awesome (I mean, don't get me wrong, they are still HUMAN after all and not without their foibles, but they are beautiful, cool, popular young ladies) and SO not like I was when I was that age (think of the closet headbanger chick who preferred animals to people and still kinda does at times-lol-), that, well, they intimidate me a little bit!! Is that dumb or what? I'm afraid to appear like a dork in front of them. They scare me!!
So does their mom, tell you the truth about it!
I know I am a grown up, awesome, cool person...now...but I guess I am afraid that if people reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally get to know me, they won't like me (welcome to a classic case of LOW SELF ESTEEM-but I am working on that!!)...even though really I'm a pretty nice chick! *dopey smile*
Something you said, goldenlife, really threw a spin on my thoughts though ... "just you: the perfectly imperfect human being that your wonderful DH feel madly in love with"...I never thought of it that way!! It's just that I don't have much in common with them.
Everyone says be myself, Ma says be myself, hubby says be myself...I guess I could continue giving "being myself" a try, eh?
And yeah, his younger daughter is reserved that way too, but has a heart as big as the world from what her dad says (part of me is still DEATHLY afraid of Perfect Angel Syndrome, but then that wouldn't be saying much for their dad, now would it!? So those thoughts are fading and quickly...but they are still part THEIR MOTHER (who Paranoid's jury is still out on. Just because she was nice to me at graduation and the ensuing party doesn't mean I'm QUITE ready to forgive and forget for treating me like total s*** at the previous three and a half events!)
I'm not so sure why I am so worried about whether they like me or not...human nature perhaps?? I even asked their dad, I go, what if they don't like me??
(this was a long time ago...oh, and did I mention I am Miss Worst Case Scenario? Can't nothin' ever go right for ME, oh, no, can't have that -at least in my own mind-)
He shrugged and said, then they don't like you...but what's not to like?? Regardless, and?
I was dumbfounded...but relieved. As long as everyone is civil, he told me, there will be no problems. That's how Paranoid be likin' thangs. NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo problems.
Well, of course he never has to worry about that on my end as Iiiiiiiii of course, will ALWAYS be at the VERY LEAST civil, as well kind, pleasant and a general delight to behold, because that is how Ma raised me. *preens*
I know it's just going to take some time...all I can do it keep on keepin' on, and I'm good at that! *smile*
Thank you for listening to me...I am learning so much from this site and from all you ladies!! I am blessed!
HUGS,
Paranoid
i have met my match with you paranoid
and am SO glad that I found this post of your's because it is just so damned honest and, well...HUMAN. I'm so tired right now (east coast time since i am avoiding the west coast brats who are currently swimming in my pool, no doubt), but I wanted to give you a nod and tell you that I'm the sorta cool chick (so they say) who really doesn't feel too cool because I am such an open book.
But here's the thing...everybody LOVES a sincere and delicious soul who will let down their guard and disarm them! The really 'cool' daughters are probably very pretty and smart and socially popular (otherwise why would you have such a complex, for godssake), but the one to disarm them is the one who doesn't have to put on the whole paris hilton thing, right?
My parents were seperated for 4 years. I was 9 when it all went down. My mom went for 'cool dudes' in hollywood (they were scarey), while my dad (the coolest dude IN hollywood, BTW) went for a kind, unassuming, normal human being...what a RELIEF to not have to be so damned cool all of the time (9 and a half thru 14 is pretty much a pressure cooker cool-wise; especially in L.A.). So...here is my advice:
don't wear one pony-tail on the side of your head.
try to buy at least one pair of crocs (even though they mess up your feet...it will be worth it).
figure out their favorite food (if you haven't already) and casually have some around when they visit.
ignore them most of the time (are they teenagers yet??)
and be the totally fabulous, witty, uncertain and disarming person that you already are.
I might mention on an upcoming visit that you were thinking about a (insert bbq, brunch, bowling night, WHATEVER) and that you wanted to include them if they felt like coming along. No pressure, but the door is always open kind of thing, you know? Another idea...maybe you could ask them to help you to pick out some fall clothes because they have such cool taste. I'm not suggesting that you spend $150 on a pair of jeans, but that you let them feel your admiration for their style (remember that YOU are the boss, and you gotta tow the line on this one, ok)?
It sounds like you like these girls, you paranoid thing, but remember...this is not high school. You are the grown up!
As for your guy, does he happen to have a brother (and does he live near L.A.)?? Just kidding, LOL, but the guy DIGS YOU, not his 'cool' ex.
goodnight (and feel free to tell me tha I have it ALL wrong, ok)?!
I'm with you Paranoid...I
I'm with you Paranoid...I prefer peace in my life. I love the way you have with words..you are so creative in how you express yourself. It's like you have diary-ed my feelings and insecurities (along with many other womans I'm sure)..and painted such a down to earth picture of your inner struggles and those of all Step-Moms as well. From meeting his kids, wanting them to like you, the rejection, the analysing everything, the wanting things to be good, the being civil even when hurt or upset and really not feeling like it, the trying to figure out how close to get, do I call, I am I being too pushy, I am I being too distant, all of those things you conveyed so eliquently ..right down to the hubby's feelings of "What's not to like?" or "They'll come around"..
You are so honest and genuine with your feelings.... You really are a wonderful person and I'm sure your SK's will see it.
Try not to sweat it too much.. Be yourself! Your wonderful!!
*Squeak*
LOL!!
You're right SM2B...this is NOT high school (can you tell I was NOT the most popular girl in high school and have some of those feelings left over??)
You're right, I AM the grown up and, even though I feel like an oversided 12 year old masquerading in a 32 year old's body, I STILL am the grown up. Who ever thought being a grownup would be so dang complicated!
And as for picking out cool clothes, that IS an idea...maybe when we go down to visit the older one we'll do a little shopping-opping-opping...'cause the kid has style (they both do)!! Meanwhile, I let my husband dress me 'cause he's got more fashion sense than I do, even though I *am* the quissential label-wh*** ... It may be jeans and Tshirts...but it's Tommy Hilfinger Jeans and Guess? T-shirts (although lately, it's Tshirts from Target 'cause they are so comfortable. Target RULES!)
SM2B, you are a doll and I just love reading your posts as well!!
You seem to crawl right inside my head and be able to tell me what I need to hear!
You too, Lovin-life! I love your way with words as well!! It seems like your feelings mirror mine...and that is so reassuring. It's so nice to know that we're NOT alone...that is half the battle.
Well like Ma says all I can really do is be myself, which is harder than it appears for me as I have a tendency to hide within myself from time to time because I am afraid of appearing...uncool or un-whatever. I guess that's another reason why I like this site...I can "practice being myself". Is that dumb?? Well, for years and years I hid behind various "images" depending on what stage of my life I was in and which guy I was dating... e.g. "Cowboy Paranoid" or "Surfer Paranoid"...I decided after the last guy I was with I was going to be "Just Paranoid"...and if people didn't like it, they could take a flying leap. *grin*
(This has been a Paranoid Self Help Moment.)
But you know what's funny?? I actually have friends BOTH their ages who ADORE me, the REAL me, in real life and online, who are just LIKE them in terms of coolness...so why I struggle with them I don't know. And I do like them, as I get to know them. Maybe I am just afraid of rejection. Don't know. Will have to get back to myself on that!
Well anyway, thank you, ladies for the reassurance...you are wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo thankful to have found this site!!
*grin*
xo
Paranoid
Post new comment