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What does SD mean by this text to DH?

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Background: MSD was in jail in March. They picked her up in the state she lived in then held her about 20 days till extradition to the state we live. DH bailed her out the night she arrived. He brought her to our house.
She moved her cat and stuff in the next day. BF brought it to her. Fast forward. 5 weeks of living hell. Medication for stress. Skids ganging up to attack me. MSD hiding in my garage with her cat loose in all my things. Her and I not speaking for 4 of those weeks. Because she was afraid of me! The one person in her life who told her I would not put up with her disrespect of me and DH in our home. DH rode the fence and DH did not put a stop to it. Still has not put a stop to their negative SMbashing text and calls to him.
I say no more skids for me. They are all grown and I have been with. DH six years. Everything was great before the MSD made such a mess of it all and I realizes my DH had lost his balls and possibly his marbles somewhere in this girls purse.
So things with her have calmed down a little. She. Is back to texting when she wants something. Or to harass or guilt trip him or rag on me. It varies.
The last was something to do with her car bumper dragging. (the car DH bought her that she will never pay back.).
Aug 21 4:41pm MSD ". Front bumper dragging on ground all the time"
DH. ". How is the air in your tires or did you hit something."
MSD " I hit bottom a lot".

Aug 23. 1:35 pm.
MSD" U said before why didn't I come home earlier when I was struggling....come home to what? U let ur wife kick me out and u can't even text me back about car cuz she pulls some psychological, ( state SM born in) - incest shit on u"
DH read this one then to his credit he deleted it but I had already seen it.

MSD ". Never mind. The car is fixed. Going to a phillies game tomorrow".

So apparently she hits bottom with the car our money bought her and is too stupid to adjust her driving and to go get the bumper fixed. No. She has to text DH and since he doesn't respond immediately she is going to get nasty. I don't know if he replied back to her tonight.
He was away at a non stop work conference Mon-thurs.

He only hears from MSD at her whim. She has gone months without replying. She has regularly hung up on him when she doesn't want to answer his questions or listen to him. She just hangs up. No goodbye or anything. Like the phone went off. But we now know it didn't because when she lived here he saw how she does it to other people. Sometimes to take another call. Bizarre. No manners.
So bc she doesn't hear back from him that minute on the car she attacks me. What does she mean by the physological incest comment. I get the disparaging use of my birth state name. Part of her Narsaccistic I'm better than SM attitude.
Anyways. I so want to send a brief reply back thru DH's phone text and tell her to stop talking bad about me. He is not going to do it. Just wish he would find his balls. The next time I see something like that about me sent to him I will probably sent a response. We'll see . May as well fuck with them some. The longer I know they are trash talking me to him and he is doing nothing. The less respect I have for him.
Will it come down to a choice for him? His whole relationship with the three of them based on them guilting and manipulating him and abuse of his love for them . Who knows?
What would you all do?

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well he will never find his balls, because between you and the SD's they are well and truly squashed to unrecognisable. Now I don't say that to hurt you or make you mad or because I am unsympathetic. Because I truly understand and am sympathetic to you. However, if the womenn in his life (you included) keep doing his dirty laundry then why the hell should he man up and do it himself.

He should have, and could have responded to that text himself. He made a choice not to. He doesn't want to. It's easier to just let her cool off, sooner or later she'll get onto some other rant and he won't have to deal with this one, see job done. Do nothing, and it all goes away.

This school of thought of course just means that instead of having one problem, dealing with it, up front, firmly and fairly the first time, you get to have millions of different problems that come up almost daily and you neve have to deal with any of them. HIS choice. he chooses the whole heap of problems because they are all about you NOT him so he feels loved by his daughters. So, all good in his world.

If you go through his phone, then own up and say you've done it, and you want this message addressed here and now. He will bend to whoever shouts at him the loudest so you might win. SD will text him back at a time she knows is safe ie; work and he will make up some bullshit excuse, she will then find another way of contacting him or whatever they sort out between them so he can go behind your back again. Eithr way, they're happy and you continue looking like the bitch they all know you are. He of course gets more sympathy all the time. Poor him.

Your husband is gutless he will never change. You are not helping by sneaking around his phone, bu6 if you must, and I get why you may feel that way then either front up to your husband, or don't do it. But to send a message back in his name, is just plain wrong. He will find out about it someway sometime and no good will come from it.

You can never fix this he has to. All you can do is tell him, party's over. You are not accepting this anymore you won't have them in your home anymore, you will have nothing further to do with them anymore, and if you find out one more time that he has been involved in trash talking you then he can go live with them beause you will not tolerate that ever again. To be honest if I had actually found out my husband was trash talking me with his kids, the firs time would have been the last time. That is the beginning of the end of the marriage. But up to you on that, eithr one more chance, or tell him up front, gigs up. You've seen the messages, here's his bags. But he and his daughters have been degrading you, don't give them a legitimate excuse now by sending of what is basically a lie. A message supposed to be from a father to his daughter.

Not-the-mom's picture

I would highly suggest you NOT send her a text via your DH's phone. This would only cause more problems.

You can't make her not talk badly about you. That is just the way it is. Trying to do so will only drive you crazy and really crank her up into more craziness.

I would recommend you stay away from her, and keep her out of your home. She is a manipulator, and your DH ALLOWS her to be one towards himself and you.

It is between your DH and her. Maybe - just maybe - although men are not prone to reading self-help books - you could get your DH the book "Co-Dependent No More" and have him read it. Even in he doesn't read it, you could, and it can help you see how to deal with this situation better. It is a very good book.

Good luck.

sandye21's picture

You do not say what she was in jail for. Just THAT is justification enough to not allow her in your home. But to put up with the other crap is intolerable. Give your DH the choice of getting her out of your home or going somewhere else to live with her - and NOT on your dime. They can talk trash about you all they want, you don't have to take part in it - refuse to hear about it from either DH or the skids.

Orange County Ca's picture

Is she a druggy/boozer? If so and I were you I would tell Daddy to either stop enabling the kid you I'm outta there. He won't of course so make sure you're ready to start packing. If she's on drugs and he cannot stop enabling then the situation will not change until she stops.

darkhorse's picture

I would not want a criminal in my house and would say so. What would stop her from stealing,violence etc. with such bad feelings toward you and dh? My sd 38 called from jail as a result of a domestic battery charge and he told her she could not come to visit...he felt if she would harm her bf why not the sm she hates and him too not to mention our kids. For these and other reasons I have kept my home in my name as sole and separate property for 18 years. despite that causing plenty of problems. Smile

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Thank you everyone for your replies. EBU....I will heed your advice about looking at his phone soon I hope. I just feel so out of control since when everything happened in the Spring with MSD. I feel disconnected from DH and alone. I moved two hours drive away from my family to be with him and start a new life together. Never in a million years did I see this pile of hatered coming my way. I get along well with people in general. I was blindsided and then throw under the bus. It has been four months since I got her out of my house. If I had not pushed for it she would still be here. She was not going to show up even for the lease signing and move day for an apartment that we paid the deposit and 2 months rent on. It was a huge drama that day. Too stupid to go into. Just take it at my word, she was not going to show up. I had to text her and tell her the offer for the rent was good for that day only and her things would be outside on the driveway. DH just let her walk all over him that day. But she had to go. I was at the end of my rope.
Yes my DH is spineless when it comes to her and her sisters. I feel as though I have post traumatic stress from it all. They are banned from my home for now but I do not trust DH to keep it if MSD loses her job because of her conviction. She got a crimminal mischief conviction on auto insurance fraud and identity theft with forgery. The victim of her crime was her own BM. She was caught before any money was paid out. She just told DH that she will not be able to work with her present employer for three years. So she will likely lose her professional license and the job she has. With all the bills and fines she owes she will be SOL. The sentencing is in October. Maybe they will give her probation but she. Could get more fines and jail time. It is pathetic. She is 29 with a Masters degree education in her profession and. She threw it all away. And if she can't work and keep paying fines for some other things she did and some checks she forged, and some fraud on her previous job that she has to pay back or be prosecuted, well I am sure DH will feel sorry for her.

Anyways..I digress. I do not talk with DH about his daughters. I finally got thru to him to stop ambushing me with random info about them and his defensive comments. I cannot talk about them with him. He used to bend my ear about them all the time and seek my advice on situations. Now any opinion or comment I have just puts him on the defense right away. So it is better to leave it go for now.
I still check his phone because he does not tell me what he is planning until the last minute. Or will neglect to pass along the death threat from MSD when she had moved out and was refusing to have her mail forwarded and did not want me or her dad telling anyone her new address even if they came to our door. BH says to her we would not lie. She said. Don't lie just don't answer the door! WTH. We are supposed to hide out in our own house bc people were looking for her crimminal ass. Like how she literally hid out in my garage with her cat for five weeks. No f way. I RTS her mail and wrote her new address on it. The bitch.
So. I do not trust DH at this time to have my best interests at hand. If there is another death threat I will go to the police with it. Because it was on his phone before, even though I went to see about a PFA- restraining order, at the Women's Shelter I did not have enough to sent it before the judge. She was not still living here then.

Dark horse I wish I had keep my house and my life where I lived before. I am starting college to finish my degree and will see how things go from here. I did not want her in my house at all. She steamrolled her way in and knew exactly what she was doing. Playing the victim and pitting DH and me against one another. We had never had a real argument prior to her coming here! Even after I got her out of here I had nightmares for months. Still do sometimes. I had to lock up or hide our financial records when she was here and put an alert on our credit reports. I refused to give her a key to the house. I did not want her here when we were not home, once she got locked out bc she was of course not talking to me and would not let me know her coming and going times. DH tried to give her the garage code access behind my back! After we agreed she should not have it! He was surprised when the number he gave her did not work and called me to check the number. I say why? I knew in my gut. I knew at some point he would do just that. That is why the day before I had taken the battery out. The bitch was giving him a big sob story how she needed to get in the house to get something to go out to her sisters to have her roots bleached ( our aluminum foil she had ripped into strips). And how she was dizzy and needed to get in the house. So he just gave her the number. I was out walking the dog. She couldn't wait 10 minutes until I got back. Guess she was not that dizzy since she drove away.

sandye21's picture

I am so sorry to hear that your DH can not see something so blatant and obvious. Tell ANYONE about SD and what she has done. Then ask them if THEY would allow her in their home and if they would trust her. Your DH might as well open the house up to ex-cons for shelter. If your DH can not see this you need to protect yourself. Good luck to you. (((HUGS)))

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

OCC Yes I think part of her problem is substance abuse. She admitted to us that she drank alcohol with her rx meds for bipolar and depression. That she knowingly misused the drugs. Yet DH will not See the truth. The MSD acts like a quiet timid mouse victim in front of her dad, unless she is screaming or arguing with him about anything he would say . Yet she had no trouble showing me her claws right away and telling me in an eat shit smug tone with a smirk on her face that she could stay in MY house as long as she wanted cause daddy's said so! I should have jumped the cat gate and ripped her face off then and there! But I am not a violent person. I just wish I could have stood up for myself more when it happened. I guess when you are in shock and overloaded with stress you just can' t think straight.

Coming to read other stories here gives insight on what has happened. I will never understand why. It will always hurt to know the SD's are talking bad about me to whoever will listen and to my DH. And it will always hurt to know that he says nothing back to them to make them stop. Or if they would not then to block their numbers. He did that for a couple of weeks for the YSD when she directly attacked me by text to my phone at Easter. But even though they still attack me by degrading me to him , he does nothing. It hurts. And when I see proof that it is still happening, even if not everyday, but random from time to time based on if they want to turn the guilt knife in daddy's back a little more this day or that week, well it hurts to see that too.
And as much as I know I need to stop looking, it is like a scab that you just can't stop picking at. And those days when DH is all secretive about his phone calls and is acting short tempered and cross with me for no reason then I suspect he has been harassed by them more that day and I check the text and sure enough something is going on. It still hurts.
I have always been there for him and had his back. Spent hours upon hours listening to his work issues or kid growing up stories. Yet the one time evil comes to threaten our marriage he did not have my back. Because evil came as his daughter.
There is a good post in the thread of what would Jesus do. It starts off " I've really thought about...". By jennaspace. I think that is the attitude I need to strive for. I still just feel so lost. I thought my DH was my best friend and soulmate. I thought I could talk to him about anything and that I could trust him with my heart. Now my heart feels numb inside. I feel like I am disconnected from him and everything. There are long uncomfortable silences between us now. I do not want to share myself or my thoughts with him or my plans. I do not want him to talk about me with them. ( as if he could get a word in since it is all about them anyway).
I need to find myself again. My drive, my passion. My voice. My heart. For now I am just Lost In Space And Time.....

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Sandye21 and Wowthisishard...(((hugs)))) back to you both. I am sorry that we all must come to this site to keep our sanity. I don't think any of us ever saw the storm coming. I read everyone's stories and am saddened for us all. People in our daily lives just don't get it.

I could not get to sleep last night till about 4am. Understandably I was a bit off when I got up. My geriatric 14 yr old 'puppy' woke me a few times but I thought I would try to have a good day with DH. He suggested we go out to Breakfast. Somehow at the donut place over coffee he got onto the subject of the different names for Fat Tuesday. Mind you we are in Pennsylvania, not even close to New Orleans. Somehow in the midst of the conversation he puts a dig in against my birth state which is in the south. Because I had never heard of the name he called the day, must be a pa Dutch name. Anyway, why he did a put down against me I have no idea. It is not at all like him to do so. I called him on it at the time and then let it go. Later in the day it started to bother me. As you all can read the beginning of this post started with a put down of me and my home state by SD. So it bugged me that DH said something, like coming full circle. From her text to out of his mouth. Not the same comment mind you but a dig all the same.

So when we took a walk this evening I said to him. " I was thinking about it today and your comment at breakfast was hurtful to me. I thought it was a put down against me and did not appreciate it, it was unlike you to do so".
He of course was defensive right away and said " I was kidding around". he did not understand why it should bother me.
I said it had and was just trying to tell him how I felt. He continued to be defensive and tried to rehash his reason for making the comment.
I said that did not matter I just wanted him to acknowledge that he had hurt me, and I said I didn't think it was intentional on his part. So a bit more discussion as we were walking and I told him this is how I felt when he put me down, and that I had enough people putting me down, I did not need him to join in. He said who puts you down. I said you know who. ( his kids). I told him that by his silence to then when they talk against me he is participating.
He offered an apology, but I think he was doing so to just put an end to the conversation. I think his defensive bell went off in his head then,
Anyway so he got real quiet. I asked him if he was going to stop talking to me. He says " he just couldn't turn it off and on after being scolded".
I said I was not scolding you. I was trying to express my feelings and share something with you rather than hold it in and be mad about it. I said I am not your mother I was not scolding you.
He continues to say that I was basically yelling at him about it. ( I forget the word he used). But I had not yelled I said. Of course at this point I was speaking a little louder but not yelling ever, as we were walking in the neighborhood.

So I think some of the persons who posted on here was right. DH just avoids the conflict. Says whatever whoever he is with wants to hear. Or says nothing against what they are saying. Unless of course it is me he is talking to. Then he argues with me and is defensive...
It is sad for him that his daughters are such bitches who only use him. I am sad for him. But I will not let him drag me down with him.

Whatever. I feel better for having my say instead of stewing on it.
Thank you all for listening. I know I am understood here at least. Your thoughts and support are much appreciated. I am learning a lot here. I will be printing out the bill of rights and hanging it on the wall soon.

sandye21's picture

Here is a paragraph from Wikipedia describing the characteristics of Passive-aggressive Personality Disorder:

“Passive aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, hostility masquerading as jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.”

This sounds so much like my DH WAS - because now I don't allow it. And every once in a while when he tries it I will call him on it. Your DH is doing this because he does not have a good defense for what he is doing. The only thing he has left besides a genuine apology, is to attack you personally. Dirty Pool and if that's all he can come up with - not very smart. By the way, our most revered United States Presidents were from the South including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln.

Another passive-aggressive behavior is the silent treatment. Don't allow your DH to use you as a scapegoat for his bad choices. Again – (((HUGS)))

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Thank you Sandye21. I will be printing this definition out for DH to read and then post it on the frig so he can remember it. It is so him and his daughters. Along with the narsassistic (sp) for the daughters too.
I just want a normal peaceful life. The one I thought I had before the shit hit the fan. Really. Just let's all be adults and buy a ticket for a movie if we need any drama!

My DH also has a remarkable ability to act like nothing is wrong. Problem? What problem? He is the master of the subject change when I am trying to discuss something. Along with the dropped subject....on to something else irrelevant topic.

Don't get me wrong, he is a good man. Just not one with relationship under stress skills. Perhaps growing up in a family with three younger brothers and then marrying and having three daughters and the bipolar nut job ex wife is what has done the number on him.
I would probably duck and cover if I had to ever live with four females. Having two sisters and my mom was bad enough, I did spend a lot of time on my own then. And so did my dad! I guess my DH seemed to be more in tune in our relationship before the SD blew in like a bad wind and unsettled us. Now I think he is still in the fight or flight mode between his stresses at work now and the Nastiness or neglect from his daughters. ( depending on their mood).
No excuse for his behaviour . Just trying to get a grip on it all.

Thank you again for the info.

anafiodorova's picture

Stonewall, is defined as a. To engage in delaying tactics; stall: b. To refuse to answer or cooperate.
You can probably do some research on this . I was not married but engaged and stonewalling happened to me. You can seek help if you recognize it. You have a chance to work on it together.
It was too late for us and we did not seek help ! Hope for the best for you! Much love and light your way!

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

"I don't care if it is his daughter - no sane person should take a criminal into their home.Criminal adults are to be avoided as much as possible."

Yes I agreed newwife3. And I never agreed to allow MSD to 'move' in. I think as anafiodorova said...I was stonewalled. While she was in jail my DH kept saying that when she got out on bail we would sit down with her and get all the details and make a plan. I was under the delusion that she would stay here a night or two then go back to her rental house. However, she neglected to mention to DH when he was talking to her in jail that she hadn't paid her rent and was behind on all her bills, car being repossesed, no job, etc. The next morning after she was bailed out we were sitting in the coffee shop with her and she says her BF is bringing her some clothes and coming up to see her and bringing her 'cat'. I protested of course. But my protests fell on deaf ears. So the BF checks into a local hotel with the cat and she has us drive her over to see her cat and BF. We say...come back at 5 for dinner, bring BF if you want. At that time she was saying he wasn't her BF any longer, she was lying. At 4pm as we were cooking dinner I told DH I bet she won't come back for tonight to stay here. And she was supposed to sit down with us and make a plan that night. Well, he text her to say what time dinner would be ready. She text back that they are eating next door to the hotel and she is too tired to come back and going to stay there with the BF, the guy that she was saying was not her BF. And she didn't want to talk things over and make a plan that night. Sounds remarkably like stonewalling and stalling.

The next morning at the crack ass of dawn (actually 8am, but I like saying the crack ass of dawn)...she texts that her and BF are bringing her things over. DH says wait till 10am and then we can talk. I tell DH she is to come in and talk first before unloading her stuff. Well the talking part did not go well. We of course were upset that she ditched us after we planned to have dinner for her, she was at the grocery with us when we bought the stuff. We were upset that she would go stay with the BF who she claimed was not her BF and that he had been abusive to her. I was concerned that she was going to be using drugs. Still think that. And with her being out on bail on our dime ($150.)that she would get into more trouble somehow. She did admit to abusing rx meds and alcohol while we were talking that morning. The non BF but acutally BF got all loud and beligerent on us. Saying we needed to take her in an get her back on track. He got in our face in our house. Then he storms out and unloads the stuff onto the driveway, a whole SUV full of stuff. Then he comes in and says he is taking his GF back to the hotel till Monday morning to spend some time with her. More blah blah, crying , ridiculousness...etc. She ends up staying there till Monday am and then is dumped on our doorstep with the cat first thing Monday. I told DH to make sure they know that BF was to drop her off an leave cause I never want to see his sorry ass again.

So there we were with a criminal, a cat and no plan yet. She hid out in my garage with the cat the whole day. Never once came up to talk to me. I went down a few times to check on her. She was letting the cat out of the cloth little carrier and it was trying to hide in my stuff. I think she was sleeping something off from the wild weekend with the non BF actual BF. The next day and the next five weeks were more of the same. And daddy let her set up a mini fridge and microwave so she could cook and live in my garage. It is finished and insulated though not heated...but hey a portable heater and there you are!
It was also my space to store and do my artwork and projects...so I had no access the whole time she was here. I could not stand to be in the same house with here let alone the same room.

And the shit all rolled downhill from there. I got to see my DH put his balls in her purse, ride the fence, jump (how high), and a host of other manipulation tricks in the circus of hell that lasted five long weeks. And there was never a plan, an end to the madness date. Hell, I was not even a part of the conversation on it. MSD had her plan to stay here as long as she wanted. "daddy said I could" according to her. I think that was a lie too. But in his silence and lack of making a plan...that would have happened if I had not pushed and pushed to get her the hell out of here. She is evil. Just evil.
DH kept saying...well this depends on that...can't do this till we know about that....court hearing, counseling appointment, etc.

So he went after one week of her in my house and moved her things into a storage unit. The issue with the unwelcome cat was never resolved. She would not board it or find another option. The couple of days I expected turned into many more.
Deer caught in the headlights...that was me and DH too.
Only by the time I got her out ...I was almost wishing DH had just gone with her.

I don't think it will ever be resolved between us. I think I will always remember and feel the disconnection from him. And I never want to see his daughters again. After reading another post on here ...I don't think I would even call them if something happened to DH. And they are not invited to any services. I am sure it would be a horrible event and they would make it about their loss. Who cares...they are not here for him now except to worry him to death. They don't need to be there then. If they want some of his remains...I will scoop them some ashes out of the firepit maybe. Hell...don't want them to have even that.

So to sum it up. Yes Criminals are to be avoided. Family who are criminals...even more so.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I would never never never tell SD if anything happened to DH, actually in light of recent events over the last two weeks it would be a private service, I would have DH cremated and scatter his ashes on the windiest day I could find. DH is dying a very slow death thanks to SD and she has even managed to get his father onside. This old man is also giving DH hell now, he is heading into a depression. What a lovely family he has.

DH has brought so much of this on himself, I know that. But I know this too, at the end of it all, should DH go first I will not put myself through any of this family drama they go on with. It will be all done and dusted long before they know anything about it. I cannot believe my FIL has chosen a grandaughter who has barely spoken to him for 10 years over his own son. FIL is just fluffing up his peacock feathers showing off to grandaughter and making a big Sicillian man of himself, and he is doing it at the expense of his son's life. To hell with the lot of them.

They have no right to destroy a person, then expect to be happily invited along to jump in for the spoils.