This is something that has been weighing on my mind ever since I got married (almost eight years ago). I will try to articulate it in a way that makes sense.
Who comes first in a marriage, the spouse or the child(ren)? I am both a BM and a stepmom. Husband has 15yo girl from previous marriage and we have 4 and 1 yo girls together.
I always thought when you got married that your spouse came first. I think having SD complicated the issue as husband thought that because she is a child he must put her first. I am an adult and able to fend for myself. And, who knows how long I would/will be around, right?
Problem is, I see that as a crappy (cowardly?) way to treat a marriage. I love my daughters very much and do my best to care for them. I do things for them that I don't do for my husband because they are children and can't take care of themselves (in some areas).
I don't know if I'm even making sense. I just feel like our marriage gets put dead last, and I don't like it. Some good friends of ours have the stepparent situation. She had two young boys when they met. They never had children of their own, but she always made it crystal clear to her boys (she doesn't mince words) that her husband came first. She told them not to try to make her pick between them because they wouldn't like the results.
Now her boys are grown and she and her husband are very happy together. Children grow up and live their own lives. Spouses stay (in an ideal world) and you live your lives together. So why do parents put their children before their marriages? Is it an inborn instinct not to hurt our children, which makes us worry about their feelings more than our spouses'?
Just reflecting on all this now that SD is about to go live with BM. Has his focus on SD irreparably damaged his relationship with me? I know my feelings for him have cooled since we married.
I agree Elizabeth
100%. I know that I have a lot of built up resentment with DH due to this same issue. I have a lot of other reasons too but this is one. I guess I have pitched enough of a fit these days that he is making time for us (for our anniversary I hope) and making our relationship a priority but it has taken some time. I was thinking this weekend that I have lost some of the respect that I have for DH, his weakness with Sd has caused that.
The way I figure it, I can leave, divorce DH and no longer be a part of any of it. Sd will always be his child and he will always love her. Marriage (or versions therof) is the building block for the relationships that children will have as adults. Our example as a couple will influence the kids ability to have healthy adult relationships, makes sense to me to make it the highest priority.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
One thing I know
One thing I know from my frustrating experience is that is the husband and wife don't make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to all the children that the couple comes first, then the children will jump in and take over to run the show. That goes for adult children too.
Loss of control = fear. So kids try to control, and they will, if a couple lets them.
My DH is going through a very painful time right now because he's making it clear to his adult children that they cannot meddle in our marriage and disrespect us. They are pushing back on him--hard. It's amazing to watch these turds in action.
Who's in charge
Perhaps it needs to be explained another way. Not a matter of first vs last. It's about who's in charge. The adults of the home are jointly in charge and they collaborate and make the rules. The bioparent may be the primary disciplinarian, but those rules are set by the couple. It's a united front, a stable foundation etc. Kids need guidance and structure to develop. They thrive on structure, gives them a chance to find ways to be good. Kids generally speaking want attention, and if they have a route to get stroked for good behavior, they'll do that most often. And you need to nurture your adult relationship. Just because you show up everyday, doesn't score any love points, both adults need to make time for each other.
If one or more of the adults are not happy how can they help the kids. It's not always fun being management is it!
As far as adult children go -- get a life would ya!
Elizabeth, I know where
you are coming from. I have, in the past, felt as though my husband always put his girls before me and our boys. They have always taken priority over every situation. The youngest is 16 and she recently went to live with BM (thank GOD). The oldest moved out last year to live w/BM. I has been great since they have been gone. Peace is once again in the house, and that allows for us to work on our marriage. Maybe once she is gone, you too, will have the peace you need to work on your marriage.
Best Way To Put It Is
if mom and dad are not putting each other first and maintaing a healthy relationship btw the two of them then there is no mom and dad and if there is no mom and dad that means there are no parents and if there are no parents then there is no family let alone a healthy family!
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