Step Talk

Well...

So Fri night is all on the last blog...here's the rest.

Last evening DH, Anna and I were on our way to dinner. DH decided to swing past the friend's house to see if BM dumped SD back to our neighborhood again. We didn't see SD so DH swung past the park that SD keeps going to so she can hang out with her BF unsupervised. There was SD, the two boys, and her friend. The park was empty but for them. DH told SD to get in the car. SD grabbed her friend's phone to call BM and yell that DH was "stalking" her and forcing her into the van. DH took the phone to walk away from the kids and tell BM about the girl's SF's sexual offender status. The behavior of the boys was very age appropriate. SD and her friend were BOTH yelling at DH, BUT the young boys walked away and sat on a bench, obviously embarrassed at the girl's behavior and wanting no part of it. Chalk one up for the young men. I later told DH that this girl that SD's been hanging out with obviously has no respect for adults, I would NEVER have yelled at someone else's parent like that, I would have been like the boys, removing myself from the situation.

Anyway, BM got on the phone with SD and said to go with DH. BM told them she was not available til 9:30 pm because she wasn't expecting to have SD. So we took a very irate and hysterical SD with us to dinner.

On the way there SD was screaming at DH, demanding to know why she can't play with her friend (for legal reasons we can't tell her the whole truth.) But we can tell her that SD's attitude since hanging around with a child who obviously has no rules is why she can't. However, SD was in no position to hear any rationalization anyway, so I tried what the book said to do, "Your dad is not answering you because you are not in a place where you will listen to him." Didn't get all of that out because SD cut me off once again with, "THIS IS BETWEEN ME, MY DAD, AND MY MOM. YOU HAVE NO SAY!!!!!!"
So I stopped talking (once again why these books need to have a SP section because what the hell do we say to that?????) Bear with me, I got my chance to respond to this comment later.

At dinner SD is silent, tries the "I'm NOT EATING," thing to which DH says, "OK. Do you want a drink?" SD doesn't answer, so DH turns to the waitress and says, "Just water for her, and she won't be dining." SD grabs a menu and politely requests a Dr. Pepper from the waitress. (Score one for DH.)

SD relaxes a little at dinner but I am very stressed with her angry presence. I take an anti-anxiety pill and DH sees me. "Cheater," he jokes.

Then we go to Walmart, and since SD needs some appropriate shorts DH allows her to pick out some Bermudas and a shirt. I pick her up some anti-frizz serum she was asking for last week, basically we're acting like she is supposed to be with us anyway, just returning to a calm normal. By the end of the trip she is starting to come around to me and laughing a little.

Then....BM leaves DH a message that SD can stay at our house instead of coming back there. SD becomes angry. Evidently they had plans for today (which was news to us because last we knew BM claimed she was working on Memorial Day and would be bringing SD back here early in the morning. BUT....we don't care. If that's what they want to do fine.

However...we had a feeling...that BM would cancel the whole day and try to blame it on DH. She did this morning. As a matter of fact she told DH that she was ready to stop taking her time altogether, because DH interferes with her time with SD. DH told her, "I have no problem with you taking your time with SD, but you end up bringing her back to my neighborhood to stay with the friends that YOU complain are a bad influence on her. If you keep her with you and hang out with her, then I have no problem with it."

In other words, if you want your time, quit dumping her off at people's houses in my neighborhood for me to find out about. Houses we have declared off limits to her. How can there be consistency if we say no, then you say yes. Keep her at your house, or with your neighborhood kids, NOT ours. BM is very territorial of her own neighbors too, and doesn't want us to be dropping SD off to anyone BM is friendly with. But of course with BM everything is on her terms of "fairness."

BUT...SD got on the phone and when BM tried to say she was canceling because of DH, SD said, "HE's not stopping me coming over. YOU are." Then she begged and pleaded to come over to hang out with BM today and BM said no.

Last night SD apologized to me. She still doesn't know I know about her ripping up all our pictures together. I have a feeling after BM made it obvious that she doesn't want her there, SD has rethought how she's been treating me. We came home for SD to be reminded of those pictures and the broken unicorn, which I left for SD to clean up. She came downstairs where I was unloading the dishwasher and started HELPING me. Wow. Then while we were doing it she asked,"Why can't I go to my friend's house?" I answered, "You said this was between you and your dad and mom. That I had no input."

We kept emptying the dishwasher.

Then after a few minutes SD said, "I'm sorry Zen."

I said, "For what thing?"
And she said, "Everything."
I said, "Thank you. You know, I know that you want to blame me for your dad's decisions, because I back him up. But...they are his decisions, and I am backing him up. In case you hadn't noticed, I've stopped doing much of the decision making and correcting of you."

She was quiet.

Then I added tongue and cheeky, "Unfortunately for you, you're just stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere."

SD asked, "What were you trying to say when I wouldn't listen?"
I answered, "I was trying to say.... that you weren't in a position to listen to an answer and you could ask again later."

SD was quiet again. Then she repeated, "Why can't I go to my friend's?" I said, "Because since you have been hanging out with that friend, with the cool and unsupervising parents with no rules...you have been acting terribly to your dad, your mom, and to me."

SD was quiet and then said, "My friend does have rules."

I said, "Not of the same standard as ours."

Then we finished the dishwasher and I thanked her for helping.
She was extremely pleasant toward us the rest of the evening. We watched a movie and I shared my m and m's with her.

Normalcy.

I'll take it when I can get it.