'Cause no Dad wants to be the Dad who deserted his kids.

Yeah, really. Beats having the skid living with you.

In my case, because the Bio Mom would probably have killed the kid anyways. She's a degenerate. I'd rather deal with her son than her and her son. At least he's got a shot
with a good Dad and a well intentioned SM. Even if he hates us.

LO...I think if he doesn't feel it, he shouldn't do it. His future wife, the one he wants to build a life with someday, will appreciate not having a stepkid to tangle with. I sometimes wish my dh didn't want to be a father figure to his ex-hog's kids.

I actually think there are MANY kids that were raised that way years ago and do NOT have the crazy hang ups of many kids of divorced parents today. It's funny that psychologists claim that it's better for a child to have divorced parents, than to live in an intact household constantly seeing arguments...yet for some reason, they still believe that being in TWO homes where there are ALSO arguments/animosity between the ex's, somehow is better to letting one of the parents walk away and the child to be raised by two other PARENTS who have a peaceful relationship. I believe our kids are very messed up today because of it and that yes, ideally both parents would get along after a divorce...but honestly, if they don't, I do believe that it is best for one parent to walk away and wait until the child is no longer controlled by the other parent to try to build a relationship. NOTHING good comes out of two ex's arguing and having the kid in the middle. Something good COULD come from one parent walking away, having the kid raised by one parent and a step-parent, and then having a relationship with the other parent once they become an adult.

I think it depends on the households but who really wants to bounce back and forth. I think many children have a home and a visitation place.

I know over the last year my BD12 has requested less bounce and more steady time with me here in my home. It changed from mom's house and dad's house to Home and Dad's. My daughter definately live here and visit their dad now - that came over time. My daughter are 80-20 with me.

SD12 lives here and visits her mom and SS7 clearly lives with his mom and visits here against his will. They are 50-50. All SS7 does when here is count down when he gets to go with his Mama. It hard on DH and frankly I think SS7 would be better off with his mother full time and us every other weekend visit only but DH won't hear of it.

I know its hard, but sometimes you need to do what is best for the kid - in this situation, SS7 has a very weird attachment to his mother and he hates being here, he can't wait to leave and he counts it down - why DH puts himself through that constant emotional beating 3-4 days a week I just don't understand.

If either of my daughter choose to live more with their father, its going to hurt but if that is what they really want - then I will honor it - but there won't be any bouncing on that decision.

idk - I think DH is being selfish and putting his own need for SS7 in his life before SS7's need to just live with his mother. Not saying its easy but I do feel its for the best. However since I can't approach it without the you hate my child being thrown down - I just post it here.

I could never be with a man who walked out on his kids. I think that's absolutely shameful.

Now, men have been fighting this battle to be considered an "equal" parent. They have been told for years that "mother is best" and have been relegated to the role of financial provider...and that's it. But men are standing up, saying, "wait, I'm a FATHER, not just an earner." Much like the feminist movement where women wanted to be equal to men, fathers are now fighting to be equal to mothers. And rightly so.

It would kill me to do it, but honestly if my child didn't want to stay in my home and was counting down the time till he could get back to his dad I would let that child go. That's not to say that you don't have contact, but just not overnight if it's too stressful on the child. I think it is pretty selfish to put your children through that. Why not just have dinner one or two nights a week and movies or something on the Saturday. Sure it would be more of a nusiance for the adults perhaps but if the child was more settled than that's all that matters.

it's the parenting time thats important - dads needs to spend more time with kids even if they arn't spending the night.

It isn't an issue about houses. It is an issue about parents. Kids are resilient. Kids relate to living with well-adjusted, happy adults. Yes, they might mourn the loss of having an intact family, but most children, given the choice and without either adult giving any input into their psyche, would choose two homes with two happy, mentally stable parents than one house filled with tension. And it is unfair to think that one parent should have custody with the other having minimal visitation so the kid doesn't have to live in two homes. Because who gets to CHOOSE who has custody? I guess it is easy if you're the mother and you think that you'll get the kids to think they should have one home.

Studies have been done ad nauseum to show that children need TWO parents even if it means two homes. It isn't the shifting back and forth, it is the drama, animosity and bullshit that one or both parents cause the child that messes them up. In fact, some very highly reputable psychologists have said that if the courts made shared custody (50/50) the norm and removed the ability for one parent to threaten and the fear a parent has about losing their children entirely, kids of divorce would be way better off because a) they'd have two loving parents, b) the disney bullshit would likely be reduced (not eliminated) because the focus could be on parenting vs. trying to one up the other parent to win in a custody battle and c) the animosity level would decrease due to the reduced fear (and thus secondary anger) involved.

My sd lives in two homes. She has two bedrooms. She gets two birthdays. She gets two Easters. Two Christmases. Two homes worth of vacations, entertainment, etc. Two wardrobes. She is hardly "put out" by it.

I think if parents and society stopped with all the "poor child of divorce" bullshit and actually acted like adults and taught children to COPE with their new circumstances instead of leading them to believe they're special little victims by fighting over them and coddling them, these kids would be great contributors to society. They'd learn to cope with disappointment and frustration. They'd learn to persevere. They'd learn to accept. Instead we cripple them by trying to make life easier at every turn.

My "two cents";

In my 4 decades of living, so far I've seen this vary, from family to family. I was a young girl of divorce BUT, my dad had zero interest in even talking to me on the phone so how would 50/50 benefit me?

I've seen my eldest son benefit from my full custody with my ex-h, who had started to hit, his own son. We had to both literally flee, from this man. How would 50/50 benefit him?

I've seen SS8 BOUNCE back and forth, like a ping pong ball, from tw3o immature parents who could not work out stupid arguments, probably did not want SS8 in the first place, and still bounce this very confused child, back and forth. I feel VERY bad for this child.

I also am concerned about what BS1 might say, as he grows about the whole situation. Who is coming or going, etc.?

I think it depends on the parents, in every single individual situation.

The problem with the majority of custody battles these days is that at least one parent is usually more concerned with "winning" the battle than they are about the kids best interest.

The kid loses every time in those situations.

No Bio Father should NOT walk away from a child! Yes there are many challenges for children going between 2 homes especially if they have a parent that likes to play guilt trips. But there are challenges to not having a father too.

How do you think kids feel when Father's Day comes around but they have no father. Or even if they have a father figure... the constent unknown about their father. My kids didn't see their father for 4 1/2 years. My DH was their only father figure. My DH and oldest BS started bumping heads. We figured out it was because my BS was starting to question if the grass would be green on the other side with his BF. It wasn't until he started seeing his BF again that he came to realize that things aren't as bad as he thought at our house!