Step Talk

had a lot of those same feelings when we got married and my two teen bkids moved in. I think it's normal what you are feeling, it takes time to get accustomed to having teens in the house and they are notoriously messy. I also felt offended that my Dh was telling me things about my kids that I should do differently and we still clash on this from time to time but my bkids have adjusted very well as of late and issues with them have died down.

If you read any of my posts you will see that most of our conflicts are more around my SD12. I think my dh has figured out that he has no room to talk about parenting roles.

Have some patience with yourself. Stop helping, if your assistance is not appreciated then don't do it. Natural consequences have a way of waking some kids up to the reality of not studying or eating better. Detach for a while and see if you feel better. Oh, and welcome.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

Girls and women are extremely sensitive about their bodies, weight or appearance. Treading lightly is not likely light enough. You may be able to accomplish a couple of things with one activity. Is there a sport that you and your SD could do together? Cycling, rollerblading, golfing, yoga or hiking for example. You could even choose a sport that is new to you so that you can show her your vulnerable side and that you are willing to try new things. And if she was better at that sport she could show you how. This way your SD gets exercise without you telling her she needs it and you spend time doing a shared experience and building a relationship that could lead to feeling more apart of her life and more of a family environment.

Teens are tough, my SD is nine and I focus on building a relationship with her (without forcing), where it seems appropriate and fun. And even though SD is young, it's still tough, she is very parent focused and it's hard to get her to want to do things with just me when dad's not around. She's totally comfortable doing things with me one-on-one when dad's there and not participating. I guess she just likes to know he's there.

I like your online name, very funny. Hope you're feeling better.

I say keep trying, but maybe in different ways. She needs to learn to not be so sensitive though (her mom too). Maybe you could tell her, "Listen, SD, I'm here for you. If you ever need advice, help with schoolwork, or anything else -- know that I'm here" and then back off and let her come to you. More than likely she will -- I would!

I was getting annoyed at the laziness of my SD16 it was making me unhappy and I refuse to nag. Her father printed off a week planner and marked on there jobs for her to do.
So far she has stuck to it 100%. She does the dishes twice weekly, cleans and vacuums her room and helps peg out the washing at weekends. He has agreed if she doesn't stick to it she loses privileges (such as going out with friends / rental DVDs etc) not that we have had a problem yet anyway...
Does she not have the same dinner as you? Can you not eat more healthily as a family then it won't seem like you are picking on her?
Good luck!

I have tried and been Slammed so many times with the Oldest, I just got to the point where I Won't Let Myself Care, beyond Basics. If She has a problem and comes to Me, Fine, otherwise I've basically given up, which isn't Easy, I'm Old School Biker, so admitting I Can't Do Something is Real Hard...
I am Close with "Our" (Read Her Bio) 16 Year old, and "Our" two Youngest (9 and 10) Girls. "Our" son it comes and goes, but that's part of being a teenage boy, if I remember right, with My (S)Dad...There are Good Days and Miserable ones...
Some Days I Do Think "What The Hell Am I Doing, putting Myself Through This" especialy when The Kids are acting up, and Me and The Old Lady are "Not Happy" at Each Other, but when The=ose Good Days come along, I remember Why, and How Much I Love All "Our" Kids, Step and Bio. It has been Up and down for The 4 Years We've been Together, but There should be only 9 years left on Our Sentence...LOL, before the Youngest is Grown and ready to Move Out, or go to College. Cherish The Good Times, and remember, eventually They Do Leave, and You and The Old Lady will be alone, Together...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

That there is your average teenage product of society. They are all 'individuals' and they all know what they need to do in life but none of them will get off their ass's to do anything. All you can do is lead by example. Get involved in the food shopping and buy only healthy food. Try to get the whole family involved in activities that include exercise. Step back a little and just take pleasure in the small victories. Let her know you are there for her but that you won't be putting your life on hold until she is ready to make nice.

KarmaKing.

Think of it in terms of a power struggle. SD wants to be the most important person in the house with all the attention on herself and her needs. You keep making attempts to engage with SD, and she keeps rebuffing you. SD wins. You are distressed by her reaction and BM sides with SD. SD wins again. Lo and behold, all attention on SD!

As harsh as it sounds, you need to disengage and stop playing the game. KarmaKing is right (!), tell BM and SD that you will back off, but you will be there if she needs you. Then go out and enjoy not being responsible for that lazy so-and-so's upbringing.

P.S. Karma King is a very good stepdad just like you and tries really hard with my BD17. He spent half an hour tonight trying to discuss upcoming exams with her before giving up in disgust. I know my daughter is moody and rude sometimes, but I am still compelled to defend her if someone else criticises her. Hang in there, and just bite your tongue for now. Good luck

Being my husbands third wife does not make me third rate. It just means he is a slow learner

Everyone has been so considerate and helpful. I have disgengaged to a great degree...and its sooo hard for me. Hard to watch this girl who has such amazing potential fail at school and eat/sleep away her life. I think KarmaQueen is right - its all an attention grab. Even if its anger that she's soliciting from both her mother and I, its attention nonetheless. As far as eating healthily, if I/her mom cooks lean meats and veggies she says she's not hungry. Then we find empty bags of cookies under her bed, etc.

i get criticized as well for stepping in to help. i'm viewed as 'picking on' SS12. again, i learned how to 'not care.' but remember, they will notice. and if you get criticized for THAT, tell them...'when i DID care, you told me i was picking on her.' your wife cannot have it both ways. she cant' expect you to shine glory on her daughter every day no matter what. parenting kids come with all the different levels of good and bad. and if you are expected to live in the same house as a teenager, you should have a say. this is tough. step in only when you have to. meaning: ONLY when it affects you directly. if it doesn't, trust me, your wife will start realizing what you have been trying to point out all along. except this time, she wont' have you to blame, because you weren't involved. the blame will fall squarely on the shoulders of your SD and hopefully then, progress will be made. go see a movie. by yourself.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I think it is important to remind our Dh or Dw occasionaly that their children are their responsibility. They as the bio parents and will have to live with the mistakes they make and deal with the backlash of dependent adult children. I am by no means a perfect parent but I do have an unabstructed view of SD and can see where some simple changes would help her future. Dh has to decide if my suggestons are something he can live with or not, I can't attach myself to the outcome.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

My SD is exactly the same. I'm at the 'disengaged' stage right now. It's hard, still stressing me out, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak. I'm just waiting for DH to ask me why I barely even talk to SD19 anymore. This SD is a true orphan considering DH is also her SF. Talk about loser BM's! He did the same thing...divorce guilt...let her do whatever she wanted to and still does.

that all the advice given has been great so I don't know if I can add anything more.
I do understand what you are going thru. I am a teacher & my natural inclination is to "help" teenagers.

My SD didn't want my help----THE WAY I WANTED TO GIVE IT. He was not my child----my kids accepted my help the way I wanted to give it. In order for me not to want to kill this kid was to back off. And I did. And it makes life a lot easier. Now, he will never achieve academic success like I demanded of my kids, but he will be a nice person.

Believe it or not this kid likes me. I don't get in his face for anything. (I told him once in 4 years to take his feet (with shoes) off the couch, please.)

Your situation is different because you are the custodial step parent and I know that the dynamics are different. But---maybe something in this post might be helpful as well as applicable.