AlreadyGone's picture

Once I serve him with 'D' papers

I know he's going to attempt communication with me but, talking to him just seems pointless to me. He'll go in to this whole 'charming guy' mode and tell me everything under the sun to get me to change my mind. He'll promise me everything will change and beg me to give him another chance. Of course I know, it will just be words with no actions to back it up. SSDD. He'll expect me to talk about all of it, which is all fine and good, except I already gave him millions of chances to talk. Ultimately, I'll end up on the nasty end of silent treatment or he'll rage. OR, he'll cry and try to make me feel as though I'm being unfair.

My family (excepy my brother) thinks I should hear him out and I think I should forward all of his calls to VM. I do have many things I'd like to say but, again, it's pointless at this stage of the game. We're not on different pages of the same book, we're not even in the same book anymore.

My plan is have him served at home Tuesday. Any other day and I'd have to have him served at work. I don't want to be that horrible about this. I just want and end to this farce of a marriage. Any suggestions?

AlreadyGone's picture

Well, I've already left. I

Well, I've already left. I spent 8 yrs. trying to talk and all it ever got me was passive aggressive BS, flat out lies to my face, or the silent treatment. This divorce will come as a complete shock to him as I have always tried to make things work. I no longer have the desire to try.
I am not seeking anything financially. I simply want to retrieve my personal belongings and be done with it.
I'm really thinking VM and nothing more at this point. He has charmed me in to a pseudo-sumbission many times before, I'd like to avoid all of that this time around, if ya KWIM, lol.

Thanks for the advice, as I weigh my options. Smiling

—

It is easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken adults. ~Unknown~

Straddle two worlds long enough and you end up nowhere. ~Unknown~

Echo's picture

I see no reason to

I see no reason to communicate with him further. If you felt there was anything good that could have come from just one more conversation, you'd have had it with him by now. Divorce papers are filed when we're DONE.

I know from personal experience that people that don't want a divorce will tap dance, beg, charm, appeal and make extreme promises in the hope that they can change your mind. They rarely are able to follow through on any of it and quite frankly, if they WERE able/capable of following through, they would have done all those things during the marriage. The fact that they didn't speak volumes.

I filed papers and my ex showed up at our door for days, begging, pleading and promising that he'd change, that he'd go into counseling, etc. That lasted for 2 weeks. Until he found out something (I'd had a tubal so he figured I was "out whoring around") and he came to the house and beat the shit out of me. So much for change. Leopards and spots and all that shit, right?

File the papers and don't look back. No more conversation...IF you're sure you're done. The only reason to speak with him again would be if you are hoping for a reconciliation.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

AlreadyGone's picture

You have made some

You have made some interesting points and I thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don't want reconciliation. I wanted (past tense) things to work, and bent as far as I could to the point of breaking. I hoped that when the kids became adults, our life would smooth out but, when idiots reproduce, no good can ever come of it. It bothers me only b/c we never fought about anything... except the kids or BM (and the MIL getting her nose in to things.) It just became unbearable knowing that I would always be the odd man out.

BTW, love your tag line, "If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." Too bad STBXH always had excuses. Guess I just wasn't that important.

—

It is easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken adults. ~Unknown~

Straddle two worlds long enough and you end up nowhere. ~Unknown~

StickAFork's picture

Well, since you made marriage

Well, since you made marriage vows to this man, I think you owe it to both of you to hear him out.

Marriage is supposed to be, you know, forever. If you are hell bent on breaking your vows (and there can be some mighty good reasons to do that!) then hear him out and move forward with the divorce.
I think that having "unfinished business" on either side's part results in issues further down the line. He could stall the divorce because he doesn't feel like you've heard where he's coming from, for instance.
I know when I was ready to divorce, I was READY. There was NO turning back. Nothing would have changed my mind...not even him contracting a terminal illness. Smiling

—

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

AlreadyGone's picture

To catch you up on my

To catch you up on my situation... http://www.steptalk.org/node/77057

I know marriage is forever. I took my vows very seriously and worked hard at making 'it' work. Unfortunately, harder than he did. It is now apparent that his adult children and their constant 'wants' will always take priority over our marriage and THEY know it. While I expect him to try to talk me out of this, my mind is pretty much made up. I mean he would have to do a complete 180 to change my feelings and while he will 'appear' to do just that, it will all be just word salad. SSDD. Which is why I am left thinking that I should make a clean break with no contact. Just wanted a little feedback I guess.

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate hearing other POV's. Especially when things are so off kilter. Eye-wink

I think I need to do a blog with a short version of my story so there isn't any confusion, lol. I get ahead of myself sometimes. Smiling

—

It is easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken adults. ~Unknown~

Straddle two worlds long enough and you end up nowhere. ~Unknown~

Echo's picture

Really, Stickafork?

Really, Stickafork? "Marriage is supposed to be, you know, forever" ? Then, I why are YOU divorced? If it's...you know...forever you need to get your behind back to your ex husband post haste.

It's rather disingenuous and condescending of you to spout something like "marriage is supposed to be, you know, forever" when YOU'RE divorced.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

StickAFork's picture

Ms. Echo, you'll notice that

Ms. Echo, you'll notice that I also stated that when my mind was made up, NOTHING would change it.

I readily admit I'm divorced. No secret there!

Given the vows and the expectation that marriage is a life long thing, I think she owes it to both of them to hear him out. It may not change anything as far as she is concerned. I know that having "closure" often serves BOTH parties well. She probably has all that she needs, as she is spearheading the effort. He, however... sounds like he has something to say and wants to be heard. Provided he's not an abusive asshole, I think that makes a lot of sense.

I was NOT stating that "divorce is wrong."

—

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Echo's picture

I would guess they've about

I would guess they've about talked this to death. I don't suppose she just woke up and decided to file divorce papers with NO kind of conversation with him ever.

Beating a dead horse is exhausting, annoying and a total and complete waste of time and energy. And she is saying this horse is DEAD. Advice to continue listening to a man who does nothing but continue to offer up empty promises is useless.

If he had something life altering to say, I am absolutely sure he would have said it by now. Begging and empty promises do not fix a marriage.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

AlreadyGone's picture

I know that I've talked it to

I know that I've talked it to death. I have begged, pleaded, and compromised myself to the point of surrender where his adult kids are concerned. I never dug my heels in with a NO. I simply offered alternate solutions to ridiculously bad parenting techniques. If I didn't get flat out ignored, I would be told that what I was saying made perfect sense and it was fair, only to have him do the exact opposite. He even admitted recently that he knew that he was never going to follow through with the compromise, and only agreed to it to keep me from getting mad at that moment. (Which to me is the same thing as a flat out lie.) When I became angry at that, I was given the silent treatment until HE was done being mad. It didn't matter if I was still upset or not. Eventually, he would promise to try harder and make some much needed changes and I would give him another chance. Over and over again this kind of thing happened. I finally stopped talking and became more closed off from him. I stopped being around when the kids came over, I didn't participate in his family gatherings or celebrations... no B-Day parties, holidays, vacations, graduations, etc. I didn't see the point. I was invisible anyway.

Bottom line is, I waited for his words to match his actions and they never did.... at least not enough to make any real difference.

I had my divorce papers drawn up 5 months ago and have been sitting on them, hoping for some kind of miracle. This last episode really threw me in to overdrive I guess and here I am.

Truth is there isn't anything left to say, because he has proven time and again that his words are meaningless. I am expected to change in order to get along in THEIR world. There will never be any compromise unless I choose to compromise myself and my values. Not going to happen.

Thanks for letting me vent, lol. Smiling

—

It is easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken adults. ~Unknown~

Straddle two worlds long enough and you end up nowhere. ~Unknown~

StickAFork's picture

Echo, you're welcome to think

Echo, you're welcome to think my advice is useless. I never suggested you take it. Smiling
I also try not to make assumptions. She may have talked it to death already, but OP hadn't said that.
She even said she's "pretty sure" it's done. THAT is not done done.

—

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Coooookies's picture

Hmmmm I don't think a

Hmmmm I don't think a marriage, or any relationship, should be forever it is toxic or makes you miserable. I too took my first marriage seriously. I had the same views as StickAFork - marriage is forever. Things won't always be perfect, better or worse, blah blah blah. Do you know what that earned me? I let a man who was (and still is) toxic destroy my world, let everything come crashing down around me while I righteously stood on my 'marriage is forever' box.

As a result I lost it all and am still paying for it to this day. No one thanked me for being the selfless martyr, time just moved on and I paid dearly.

If someone tries their best and things don't work out - they have every right to walk away. Wrong is wrong, and a piece of paper sitting in a courthouse doesn't change anything.

I'm proud of people who decide that they have tried their best and know when to cut their losses. People who are strong enough to walk away before things become so terribly messed up.

I think you're doing the right thing AlreadyGone. Good for you. Smiling

—

Ignore the whore