I'm just wondering what to make of this situation and don't know if I should be doing anything differently.
First off, I have SS10 and SD7 1/3 time with H. Their BM is remarried.
After H and I first moved in together, BM called multiple times a day, often for things completely unrelated to kids. I made H put a stop to that, because it was interfering with our time together. Plus, she was only calling when kids were with her, not us. She NEVER called to talk to the kids while they were with us.
Fast forward about 8 months as our wedding date approachs. BM has started calling multiple times a day again, and we let all her calls go to voicemail. Suddenly, she has started calling kids EVERY day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, when they are with us. These phone calls, from what I can hear on the kids' end, are very needy...SS10 said, "I love you too" about 10 times the other night, and "I miss you too" about 6 times, indicating that she had said it first.
What mode do you think she's operating on here? Should H and I stand up and start placing limitations on phone calls that are more black and white rather than just letting them go to voicemail (which is also annoying since she'll try land and cell lines before returning to each to leave messages on both, so phones ring for about 5 minutes straight before she finally leaves a message sometimes)? I understand that she might be freaking out because our wedding date is getting closer, but it just seems really weird to me, and I get the sense that she is trying to regain some of her importance in H's life or something. She has also been "forgetting" to pack stuff for the kids for their weekends with us, so that H has to run back to her house to get it.
How would you handle this, besides leaving the room? How would you handle what has become, for the kids, somewhat uncomfortable? They seem awkward when they have to repeatedly say, "I love you too" and "I miss you too." How would you handle this as ME, who is getting annoyed beyond belief? 
i think yr FH needs to have a talk w her
and tell her all of these concerns...1st, its putting the kids in an awkward postion, 2nd the calls are an unnecessary nuisance, 3rd its interfering w yr time together and making everyone uncomfortable. also, check the parenting agreement bc most have a phone call stipulation in them that limits it to one 10 min call a day when they are w u or whatever. just sit back and let him take crae of it and focus on yr wedding! good luck!
Thanks. I don't think the
Thanks. I don't think the parenting agreement stipulates that at all. They had a very amiable divorce, which is good in some ways, and in others, it means BM is used to getting her way and walking all over H. It has taken him several months and lots of coaching from me to grow any kind of spine with her. He is afraid that standing up to her will look bad to the kids, or that he'll miss out on some kind of information about the kids. I have tried to get him to talk with her, but he is so nonconfrontational, that it was all I could do to get him to just start letting her calls go to voicemail. He didn't even really want to do that in case he'd "miss" something. Well, now that we've started it, she doesn't leave a message 90% of the time, just keeps calling, and calling, and calling. I don't think he's as annoyed by it as I am.
I know he thinks the conversations the kids have with her are weird, because he'll roll his eyes at me, etc. but he also says he doesn't want to tell her what to do. I guess I'm at a loss for how to respect his wishes and my own boundaries at the same time when they are in conflict with one another. I'm also concerned because BM has clearly been grilling the kids lately during their phone calls about what we "made" them eat and do, etc. I can't help but feel that she suspects ME of "mistreating" them or something. I dunno.
She feels threatened
Now her kids are going to legally have another Mom. I think she probably feels like she is going to be replaced. If you are married and a family and she is single you will have more of a family life in her eyes and I think that may scare her. Your FH needs to have a talk with her.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
I thought this too, because
I thought this too, because I had been the one doing homework with the kids and signing off on their school papers and stuff, so I thought she might be freaking out about that and that is why she started calling again. I stopped doing homework with them (OMG it takes SO MUCH LONGER when H does it with them---it drives me CRAZY, but I've disengaged from that), and the phone calls have actually increased instead.
I would like her to communicate only via email with H and one call per day with the kids, but H's response is, "I've tried emailing her and she is not good about checking it." Well, if she needs information or needs to communicate, then I guess she should learn to get better at that, right? I don't know why he is unwilling to make her change, but I'm expected to change my whole life just for the privilege of having him in it. (I know, I know, I DO have to do that, but shouldn't she have to make some changes to accomodate my new place too?)
She is remarried too, well
She is remarried too, well before us. She has admitted to me, back when she seemed rational, that she felt insecure about me being in her chilren's lives. I wrote her a long letter explaining how much I respected her opinion, would never presume to replace her or interfere with her relationship with them, etc. I am going to have to interfere, though, if she keeps ruining OUR time together as a "family" of sorts. I will talk with H and see what he thinks too. I always like to get ideas here first, though, so I can defer to other people who have experience with this sort of thing, since neither of us do!
Well then
She is just an insecure fruit loop. There is no need to call that much.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
It's their Dad's time
There are some people out there that don't want their Xs to remarry even if they themselves are remarried. I don't really understand it. Curella's right the BM feels threatened. You can't control what BM says to the kids during these visitations, but H should request that her multiple calls stop. That it is HIS time with his kids and after all BM get's them 2/3 of the time. What a selfish wench.
If all else fails, have H call their house several times a day to talk to the kids.
im sick of that too
insecure and threatened by us??? be the best mom u can and then u wont have to worry. i guess it doesnt matter that theres another man in the kids lives bc she remarried. these women need to put their own feelings aside and start thinking more of their kids. what about the fact that the kids get yet another person to love them and take care of them? and then WE have to run around kissing their asses and making sure they know we dont want to replace them??? THE MARRIAGE ENDED...GET OVER IT.
"have H call their house
"have H call their house several times a day to talk to the kids."
That's another thing...he calls EVERY day when they are with their mom, so I feel like I can't really ask her to limit her calls. He even plans on calling them every day while we are on our honeymoon. I am upset by that. It that unreasonable?
uh no
thats ridiculous...once or twice--absolutely...every day, no way. its a few days and he feels THAT bad for being separated from them? its your HONEYMOON
Yes, he said he doesn't
Yes, he said he doesn't think, especially during such a crucial change in their lives (gag), that he could NOT speak to them every day, even while we're out of the country on our honeymoon. I have expressed my irritation, but on this subject, it doesn't seem to matter. I just know, too, that once he makes that first call, the caller ID will be written down and reused for kids and BM to return calls whenever and how often they feel like it, and that would make the trip absolutely miserable for me. What a way to start of a marriage--filled with resentment over stupid phone calls. I'm still hoping he'll compromise--if I had my way, he could not talk to them for 5 days, but I'd be willing to settle for 2 calls during the time we're gone. Hopefully he'll be reasonable and realize HE is the one who needs those calls for some reason, not the kids, and that he might want to consider the needs and feelings of his new wife too. I'll let you know how it goes...it's still a little ways away yet.
My Dh did this on our
My Dh did this on our honeymoon too. Ticked me off to NO avail. While he is making these calls, I would excuse yourself and go buy something at a gift store with HIS money.
Just request that if he HAS to call them while on YOUR honeymoon, that he NOT speak to the ex. If she gets on the phone he is just to HANG UP!
My dh's ex was nice to me UP TIL we got married.. Its all been downhill with her since. She too was remarried well before we were married, and she still cant let him go, even though SHE left.
Good luck.
NO NO NO!
The thing I regret about my wedding day was allowing BM to come to our reception venue to pick up the SKIDS (it was that or have them stay the night at the hotel with us). I chose to have her pick them up, but on the night she kept DH outside for 30 minutes asking questions, fussing around the kids and getting him to change them into their pajamas for the drive home. MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL all had to go ouside to say hello to her.
The thing that made me smile: my best friend went out to have a look at BM and has called her Princess Fiona ever since (BM is 6ft tall and 130 kilos/286 pounds and decidedly ogre-ish). LMNWAO! (laugh my newly-wed ass off!)
Thankfully, we have already
Thankfully, we have already made arrangements for someone else to pick up and drop off the kids. H is NOT to speak with or see XW at ALL on our wedding day. I would explode.
dumb BM's
It's FEAR. It all comes down to that. She's scared - of being replaced, whatever. But mainly, she's scared of losing control. I believe it will pass, but I don't think anytime soon. Sounds like she's attempting to put a damper on your relationship with DH and the skids...but I think she probably knows that's futile. The thought of losing control over DH, the skids, whatever is like knowing she's going to die any day now but not sure how or when...she's panicking inside and damn she's scared!!! That's why she's coming at you from every angle. Let her be scared, let her feel like she's losing control, let her be insane and annoying. It will pass. She will see nothing really is threatening her ability to be a mother or control whatever aspect of her life she feels like she's losing control over. And then, she'll find something else equally annoying to do
lol
Before DH and I got married, BM was nuts but before our wedding she had a complete mental breakdown in Walmart to one OUR friends regarding how she 'messed everything up, lost her friends & her life' - oh sob, why did you run off with the neighbor then??...., and called DH and emailed him about really really unimportant things. Immediately after we got married she sent a cheesy card to our house (no kidding!) wishing us a very long, wonderful and happy life together, just to seem semi-normal, but even that was nuts. She doesn't bother with that crap anymore, stopped calling & emailing, and is having fun with her neighbor-boyfriend. La-di-da.
Two a day here.
It's two calls a day for the SD from both parents. They both usually call SD in the morning and before she goes to bed. It doesn't bother me and the calls are usually quick. It's when BM wants to discuss the most inane things with H almost every time she calls to talk to SD that make me cringe.
my big lost post was just
my big lost post was just erased. ugh.
calls are limited here. also we haven't given her or the kids our wedding date so there is no drama involved. she has stepped up her court related antics since she found out we were engaged though. we feel it is least disruptive if she doesn't find out about the wedding until afterward. between his parents and bm trying to break up our relationship, we have felt it best to keep details to ourselves. we have even had to change the wedding date and location because of bm reneging on her agreement for us to take the kids on what was to be our original wedding date. we just decided to negotiate some time with them without telling her why and she agreed. i'm sure she believes it is due to dh's family tradition of gathering at a certain time each year, but she has caused so much upheaval that i don't care. we can deal with it after we get back.
her calls have been severely limited b/c dh has told her he will only communicate with her by email unless there is an emergency with the kids. she has been begging lately for him to meet with her and talk to her on the phone. the one time he did lately, she denied what they agreed to and now he is right back to not talking to her over the phone. she thought he would still hold up his end of the bargain even though she did not hold up her end, so now she is threatening him again. definitly don' t need her knowing about the wedding date at this point.
we r trying to accomplish the same thing
we have asked BM numerous times not to call unless emergency, ignored the calls and texts, etc but it doesnt stop. so when we go back to court on tues, this time bc she claimed SS abused her kid, we are going to try to have the judge put in a no contact rule and institute a journal to pass back and forth or email. we have a huge log of all of her harassment and its time theres really a stop to her bs. i just dont get the nerve
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