It is sad. His family has put you and him in an awful position. I am sorry you and your DH are going through this.

Well that is sad, but the truth is they are the ones making it sad, and it doesn't have to be that way.-!!!

Don't let the sad end change your outlook, that if they want to see your DH, all they have to do is respect him and you.

Like that is too much to ask, to respect another human being? No. Its not.!!!

Good for him for standing up for himself. I predict they will cave as there is no way to spin this that won't make them look awful!

HUGS

Your husband is wonderful for doing the right thing by you. The situation may be sad, but you certainly are not at fault. You're sad for him, plus you might somehow feel responsible, but you're not. Remember that and remember what a good guy you're married to.

After a long chat with my husband about having had enough of this kind of lifestyle I gave him a choice to make it was gonna be me and our kids or them. He chose us and says he didn't make the choice because of my ultimatum he made it because he was fed up of daughters games and the way she always treat me. He said he should have done it earlier and saved me all the pain
The bitch that she is took her brother with her stating "you cant have one child in your life without the other" so he is standing by her even though they were not even on talking terms for 6months. Now it is just us and I have to say without a doubt that it has felt great to have the freedom to do what I want in my home, without her criticizing me if I checked my email or watched some TV.
The only problem I have is the guilt. I feel guilty for making him choose, even though he says he didn't do it because I said so. I still feel the guilt although I am trying to work through it.
Your husband sounds great as he didnt need any ultimatum to do what he has done. I think sometimes people just grow tired of the shit and the games and just want to live out their days without all the drama. I think with your husbands heart problem it just gave him the wake up call he needed. I hope you guys get to sit down and have a talk about it and then put it behind you and get on with your lives.

Janpes, did you really give your husband an ultmatum or did you simply tell him your position. You could not continue with this lifestyle I think there is a huge difference. Telling your husband that you cannot live like this and he is free to go with his family because you are unable to cope with things the way they are, or if he wants to he can stay, but you cannot sustain this lifestyle of anger and resentment, is not an ultimatum. You were being honest and giving him choices. An ultimatum to me, is trying to get someone to do what you want, for example you wanted your husband to choose you instead of his family so you say, well that's it, it's me or them, all the while hoping he was going to choose you and just to make sure manipuating him with added guilt ie: if you can leave our kids for them then go, etc., Ultimatums are made in anger or fear, giving a person choices are made with love.

Wowthisishard, you husband has made a very hard decision, but it is his decision to make. I think sometimes families can be toxic and it is unfortunately best in some cases not to see them. I would be supportive of your husband and give him time to see if he has made the right decision, and the right decision is what is best for him, and for your marriage. He has been through a major illness and will be seeing life much differently. He sounds pretty wonderful and if he has chosen a life with you then so be it. It is not his family's place to dictate who he will and will not marry. As for the daughter, well the less said the better. I told my husband's daughter she was never to come here again, she to did as your SD did, only mine took my husbands two son's with her. My husband has two adult sons 35 and 37 and a 30 year old daughter and 3 grandkids, because I told the daughter never to come back here, she will not allow the rest of them here either. I see having this type of person and her followers out of my life as a good thing.

I too gave my husband a choice because there was no way I could live with all the hatred in my life, hatred for him, hatred for me, hatred for my children, all people his chidren had never met, his children just grew up to be people who hated everyone. Good Lord his daughter would even say nasty things about people on tv or commercials. The hatred in his family was too much for me, and so with no anger in my heart I gave him the choice to leave and be with his daughter, which of course would then give him access to his sons and grandchildren or he could stay, but I could not accept both. He chose to stay. There was no evil in it, no anger or mallice, I was at breaking point and my health was suffering, in order to survive and regain my health and sanity I had to do it. Had he chosen his children the seperation would have been done with no hard feelings. I don't see that as issuing an ultimatum.

A statement of facts is not an ultimatum although sometimes it has the same effect. It's rough on him knowing that he will go down in family history as the one who ran off with a woman of ill repute abandoning his children and grandchildren.

I'm assuming that's how the ex-wife is selling it anyway. Well a hundred years from now it won't matter. Meanwhile I'm thinking that the story isn't over - that at least one of those people will break the ice and contact him.

I hope his affiars are in order. A living trust allows him to leave everything to whom he wishes while at the same time he can alter it with a PC and a printer on a daily basis. I mention it because if I were him I'd be making sure none of those folks got a penny but if one of them came through they might end up with all of it - assuming you're taken care of financially of course.

I can believe it. I think he may never see them again. And it is incredibly sad. It's so sad that "family" would choose to stay locked in war with a man's wife, and to lose him, rather than just keeping their mouths shut with their hateful rhetoric and their need to dominate him. It's truly a sign of how they feel about him, not so much how they feel about you. Or rather, how much they think about themselves. These types just seem to be the most selfish pigs on the planet.

I really think this is classic behavior from people, particularly from dysfunctional families, who are insecure, have no ability to be introspective, are miserable and are too old, stubborn, dumb, selfish to consider changing. They treat people in ways that they would never find acceptable. That's just so rude to you and to your husband.

Meanwhile, you and your husband try to make sense of why they keep coming after you. They are damaged goods. Pretty hard to interpret why they do what they do, other than to say that they have issues.

After what they did the last time, I'd be tempted not to notify them at all if he goes back in the hospital, and he passes before you, I'd be tempted not to tell them about that either. What's the worst that would happen? They'd get mad? That's all they ever have been.

I feel sorry for my husband that he may never see his daughters and our grandchildren again. I didn't give him an ultimatum either . He chose to. In fact , I told him to visit with them and he told me, there would still be the hate. He had some pretty radical cancer surgery last year. All we got was hate letters. I guess he chose right. I was braced for big drama face to face. They never showed, just lashed out in some vile 14 page letters. About every six months, the one daughter shows up at his office(too afraid to come here) and demands that he and she need to go on a date, just the two of them. She proclaims every consequence she has suffered from her antics is my fault and his, and talks about herself the whole visit and never asks him how he is. She doesn't even talk about her own husband or her little boy. I counted 79 times in a letter once that she referred to herself. I I I I I, me me me me me , myself.....well you get it. Sick. Anyway, he gently tells her no. There will be no dinner date. You need to date your husband. We are a package deal. You don't like it. Too bad.

I always wanted him to grow a spine. He finally did. (it took 10 years) I still have my days when I feel guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. All I ever did was dish out lots of love, support, and laid my heart out on a platter for them to slice and dice. They are still dishing out the hate.

I am one of the lucky ones. The two hateful step daughters tried to drag the rest of the family down in the mud with them, but after I finally had the nerve to show the family their letters, they are believers too and the girls have pretty much been "iced out " of their lives too. Their own brother denounced them too. He still goes once a year to visit with them for a couple of hours, but then comes back here.

I feel more sorry for my grandchildren. We were awesome grandparents. One daughter already said she has a picture of me that she shows him and tells him that that is the lady that made mommy cry and that he is angry with me. Nice.

Peace? oh yeah , I can feel it again finally now. Stress? level is way down. Happiness? coming back stronger daily. Guilt? less and less. Baby steps.

I told him enough was enough and that I wasn't going to live this way anymore. I told him also that if he continues to see his daughter (which is what she wanted) then he is basically agreeing with everything that she has done to me. Basically I said I am not gonna sit back and let him walk over me again. To me I gave him the choice us or her and I was prepared to let him go. I don't want a man who is not going to stand up for me and have my back when it is needed. He called her and told her that he chooses us. I don't know if he chose me because he doesn't want to be alone in his life or what, but I do know that he has actually said that´he feels better about his choice and that now he understands what I meant and has as we say "seen the light"
We have talked about this a lot over the last few weeks and to be honest he just says he was fed up with all the drama and was glad that I gave him the choice, otherwise it would just go on and on. He just didn't have the energy to stand up to his daughter until I gave him the choice.

I started a bill of rights for myself the other day. I have an absolute right to live a life free of abuse and bullying. It is my choice that it is non-negotiable and I will enforce my boundaries for me as a human being. I can't make anyone else do anything but I can make good choices for myself. I refuse to live in a fantasy world where people want to rewrite history and live in denial of "maybe its not that bad" "maybe it didn't really happen." If it happened to me and not them I will decide for myself what is "that bad" and "what happened." I have a right to leave a bad situation wherin people would have an expectation that I standby and watch myself be bullied and abused.

Others involved can live their lives as they have and reap whatever comes from that choice or they can make changes too. I'ts tough on everyone involved. It is good that everyone has a choice. Lol, as you may be able to tell I think I still go from depression and apathy to anger. I think this "stuff" has given me post traumatic stress disorder.

Thank you all for your responses and support. Dh now reads some of these posts as time allows and has begun to say post this for me lol but I haven't. Some other peoples stories made him cry at the ugliness of it and I think he could understand my pain more when it wasn't "us" or "them." I think it made him see too that we are not alone and what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong, less of a struggle when it's not your own family. I am truly grateful, being here has allowed me to stay and try to still be committed to my marriage and get this all sorted out with the help of others who have gone before me, thank you.

It's wonderful your DH is willing to stand up to you. My Dh was put into the same situation and after 5 years when his kids weren't going to speak to him and the estrangement started spreading to the rest of his family, he went crawling back. He allows his kids to pretend I don't exist and goes and visits them all the time without me. Once that starts, it's impossible to go back on.

If one side is willing to be estranged, then it's up to the other side to either compromise or except that they're going to be estranged for the rest of their lives. My skids are perfectly willing to never see their father ever again. He wasn't willing to accept that and now he's their bitch.

Yeah thats the thing about choices all of us get to change our minds anytime we want.

Stepaside-you always verbalize exactly what I think of sds and the behaviour as though you had met them, its eery. I'm sorry that you can do that because it means you have met and dealt with people like this and I would wish that upon no one.

At this time, I would still not call sds if DH goes before me, as you say they have always been mad. I have posted that before and people on the site thought I was awful even though the rest of the story was posted. Shrugs, when they have walked in my shoes then I may care of their opinion. DH and I have discussed it now and HE said to NOT call, so I hope all read that part before they hate on me. I might if I could see my way to do it send them some of his ashes. It would be very appropriate if they had their own service back in the town where they all were with the LW. I don't know those people and they do, this would not bother me a bit, and I hope such a thing will work out. I have thought I might have a private thing in our home so it couldn't be crashed and I and his people here could have some closure too.

OCC - In my case their is no BM as she was deceased ten or fifteen years ago, more than a decade before I ever met DH. Since he was a widower, the preferred term for me is gold digger . Opionions abound about what others should do with their money, you know what they say about opinions, they are like aholes and everybody has one. Yes, he did get all of his affairs redone and with a trust and he did tell them when he got moved into the rehab part of the hospital that he was redoing it all and they wouldnt be getting any more money. When I asked why he'd done that not that I cared, he came up off his bed, and yelled as loud as he could at that time, damn right I did, it is mine, I already did all for them I could, and I am done. The sd that was still in town the day the lawyer came left to go home before the lawyer got there.She had originally planned on staying several more days.

As for me, unlike princess skids that he put two through good colleges so that they each have 1/2 million dollar homes as they were able to meet and marry surgeons and the like and be stay at home moms, I like DH have worked since I was 15. I went to college on scholarships and student loans that I had to pay for my undergrad. I competed for a scholarship which would pay for me to get a Masters in Public Affairs with paid internships to help me get by and won 1 of 8 scholarships given in my state, maintaining a 3.70 GPA. I'm sure even though I'm older now if it comes down to it, I could get something to support myself. Oh yeah, I kept a fund back for myself that DH is well aware of, I'd always have an escape hatch, cause yeah ya never know. He even added to it already outside of the trust just in case anything should go awry or get held up.

The third that didnt choose college and didnt marry as well he gave her and her hubby $250,000 and paid for them to have a decent home. The equity we have in out home is about $50,000. If we paid it off we would have zero bucks and upon retirement about 40,000 a year. Everybody thinks rich biz, its a total crapshoot. It supports 3 partners and would depend on an inventory at any given time. If there is anything we will surely need it to live on, hopefully we have some good years left. Now that my surgeries are done I will be looking for work so hopefully we can save some money for us.

Oh yeah, the daughter he bought the house for....the $250,000 thats the one that said we weren't welcome at her house. ROFLMAO, nice, gotta love it huh? No I am not jealous, I just think really? Please leave ME the hell alone.

Please anyone reading this, please respond if you will, does he OWE them anything else when they have more than he /we do and they are 30s, I am 55 and he is 68? Dont forget two of them are married to surgeon types. Who has more earning power here? Does he have to give the rest for his grandchildren educations or give what's left to them just to appease them? Should I get nothing even though in the end I may have been with him longer than the LW and none of the money he has today is from that time period because they have already gotten it? IMHO, he does not but I am willing to stand corrected and consider other viewpoints. If I thought it could fix it and would leave me alone I wouldn't care if he gave all he has to them. Maybe foolish still but peace is priceless. But I don't think that even that would do it. And you can tell me if you think I am a gold digger to, I can take it.

IMHO, they are angry momma died and I am here, but neither DH or I caused it, nor can we ever ever fix it, go to counseling like we are and leave me alone. Thats this SMs story. Ok now I am ready to receive any comments from people who have lost a parent and think it gives them a RIGHT to pull others down a deep dark hole forever more. I aplogize in advance for my seeming insensitivity.

I also know I may sound bitter but as some of ya know ya get to feeling a little resentful here and there ya know? Thanks for letting me vent. I promise to be quiet again for a bit.

Your husband is doing the right thing. He can't control how his family CHOOSES to react to his firm stance - that he won't allow them to disrespect you or him again.

The ball is in THEIR court now. If they choose to continue to act immaturely, that is their decision. I get the feeling you feel guilty for being the "cause" of this situation, but you aren't - they are. They are refusing to honor your husbands desire and position of protecting his wife from harm by them.

After having a heart attack, your hubby probably has realized that life is short, and putting up with crap from his family or anyone else is not how he wants to spend his future with his wife.

after many years of not seeing my dh's family for same reasons, we showed up to a family function this summer with OUR entire family, our beautiful and kind kids 17 & 20, my husband and I looking good, had been dieting, and tan and happy. I stayed long enough to be polite but missed the first nite and left them in the evenings to their "bad mouthing" each other. My dh looked better than his younger sibs and they kept saying "you look soooo happy...How many years have you been married?? 20 yrs.???" it was the greatest! living well is the best revenge LOL!!! My kids have been taught to be polite so these ignorant people can't even tell how they despise them!! LOL again!! They have spent 18 years letting me and our kids know we are not family, so ok maybe I wouldn't want to be part of their hipocrasy. All they ask me about is money related....my one in law actually told me that weekend that our kids grew up in better financial circumstances than my sd's, a reason they are mad!!! LOL AGAIN!!! Sorry for providing for my own kids!!! HIS FAMILY SUCKS and I laugh at them in my head. They help make dh's, their brother's, problems bigger instead of telling dh's kids to grow up. They should watch their karma, maybe one day they will find themselves remarried and in judgement hell. lol again