You are here

Would like suggestions/opinions - not step related

RedWingsFan's picture

Hey there,

Some background: after suffering at the hands of an abusive 2nd husband for 8 long years, I was able to divorce him after catching him cheating. I had full custody of my daughter when I was with him up until the last 3 yrs. We moved around so much and she could never get settled or make friends, she decided at age 11 to move in with her dad in Michigan. I understood. It killed me, but I understood and supported her.

I was able to make it on my own here in Colorado for a while and I met who is now my DH and we're happy. Daughter is 14 and happy to live in MI where all of her father's family, my family and her friends reside.

Michigan has a very poor economy as everyone knows and not very many jobs. Especially where DD lives. She even says she wants to move out of MI when she graduates high school in 4 yrs.

DH and his D14 are now estranged after several months and DH and I plan to move east from Colorado to Virginia, because we both want a fresh start in a place where we don't have family, kinda just have to rely on each other.

After telling my DD that we are thinking of moving to VA next year, at first she's thrilled because she loves it there (we used to live there) and plans to move there after graduation. Then she gets back to MI and decides after talking with my mother, that I should move back to MI and be there for her during her high school years.

Now I have them both trying to guilt-trip me into moving back to my home state JUST to be with my daughter until she graduates (which if we move there next year, would be 3 yrs) and THEN move to VA.

I'm torn. I don't think DH would go for it, although his first trip to MI over christmas last year he liked it. The whole point of picking up and moving is to have a fresh start for us, so I don't think he'd be open to going back to my old stomping grounds for a few years only to have to pick up and move again.

What are your thoughts? I'm torn. I do want to spend more time with my daughter, of course. But living in a state I don't really want to for just a few years, having to try and find us jobs and a place to stay and then do it all over again 3 yrs later?

UGH!

Thanks for listening!
Mel

Willow2010's picture

Honestly...I could not be that far away from my DD in the first place. Girls do need a good mother figure at every age but this one mainly. Does she already have a SM that has taken the mother roll?

RedWingsFan's picture

It's hard, but she and I have only grown closer over the past 2 yrs. And yes, her father's live in girlfriend is quite a great mother role for her. She gets along well with her and I don't have an issue with her either. They all seem to have quite the great little family, complete with the gf's grown sons that are like brothers to my daughter, who is an only child.

She's very happy there and this is the first time she's mentioned me coming back there to live. She and my mother spend the weekend with each other once a month (since mom lives about 2 hrs away) and apparently they'd had a discussion that if me and DH would be willing to move to the east coast where neither of us knew anyone, why couldn't we move to Michigan and be closer to her?

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks. It's not only a place I don't want to be, but it's not a financially secure place. So, DH and I make a decision to leave good jobs and a good economy in CO, just to move to MI where we can't find jobs, end up having to stay where??? All so my mom and daughter can see me once a month? Reality is, mom is bored and lonely and daughter is busy with buddies allllllll the time. They live about 2 hrs apart, mom near Detroit, daughter North in a BFE tiny little town. So we'd end up having to settle near Ann Arbor or closer to Detroit, where we'd still end up driving at least an hour to see either one of them.

Disneyfan's picture

I couldn't do it. I'm a mom first. It would kill me to live that far away from my minor child. Hell, not having my child living under my roof would kill me.

No matter how much I loved my husband, I would feel like a major piece of me were missing.

RedWingsFan's picture

It does feel that way but I had no choice at the time. It's been 2 yrs and I still feel like a piece of me is missing every single day I don't get to see her.

After talking with my daughter and realizing that this is her first year of high school, she'll pretty much have plans every weekend with her buddies. Even if I did move to Michigan, I'd likely only see her one weekend a month. I can do that traveling up from VA!

RedWingsFan's picture

I did NOT send my daughter away - it was her choice. I was in a bad situation and trying to get out of it. I totally understood why she chose to live with her dad.

Again, I DID NOT SEND HER AWAY. It was her choice to go live with her dad. That happened 2 yrs before I even met my DH.

Oh and my daughter's SM (dad's live in gf) WAS ready and welcomed her with open arms. Again, they have a great relationship and love each other. She's 46 yrs old and raised 2 sons (one of which still lives with them) and has 3 grandchildren already so yeah, she was ready to have a stepdaughter.

Obviously you didn't read my original post all that carefully, but that's ok. I appreciate your opinion. I never sent my daughter away and we get along very well. I recently found out that she just doesn't want to have to spend her summers away from her friends. That's why she wants me to move there. Those were her words over this weekend when I called to ask her why she wanted me to move to MI.

So when I explained to her about jobs and how necessary it is to live anywhere - you have to be able to get a job and find a place to stay. She lives in a tiny town north of any major metro area, at least an hour away from Ann Arbor and 2 from Detroit. I'd end up living at least an hour or so away. Reality being, even if I lived in the same state, I'd likely only get to see her one weekend a month. I can do that traveling up from VA!

BuffaloGal's picture

I don't think moving somewhere with no economy and a toxic atmosphere of manipulative family is going to do anything for her daughter. It doesn't hurt for kids to see their parents living their own lives to the best of their abilities, which can include moving, remarrying, going back to school, etc. VA is actually CLOSER to MI, as she said. Remember, the kid only has 2 years of HS left. If she decides to go to college in California, is OP supposed to move there, too?

ETA: Parents going to ridiculous lengths to sacrifice themselves and thier relationship with their new partners breeds a false sense of entitlement in their children that causes no end of problems for everybody. It's probably the commonest complaint people have on this board! If a poster came on here with the same story, but from the Stepparent's view, everybody would be piling on about how ridiculous it was of DH to consider moving to MI just for a couple years, and how selfish of him to disrupt the plans they'd made for a kid that likely will busy with her own life, and how MIL needed to STFU and stay out of their business, and blah, blah, blah. I don't think RedWings is a bad mom for letting her daughter live with her dad, and I don't think she's a bad mom for moving where she and her DH WANT to move.

BuffaloGal's picture

Ah. So parents who are active duty military are also bad parents - they should go AWOL & desert to be with their kids? And divorced parents should forever live 5 minutes apart so that both parents can be constantly in the kid's physical presence?

RedWingsFan's picture

And my DH didn't come along until my daughter had already lived with her dad for a couple of years.

I agree with you about the military families. That's a hard life and doesn't have anything in common with my situation.

My daughter CHOSE to live with her dad, because my ex was moving us all around the country and she couldn't make friends. That was understandable. When I finally was able to break free from the ex (he was abusive and almost KILLED me), she had already settled into a life in Michigan and even though I could've fought tooth and nail to have her move back to live with me, I didn't, because I wanted what was BEST for her, not me.

RedWingsFan's picture

How do you figure that? I see her and it's not that I don't have anything to do with her! I fly up to MI at least twice a year for 2 weeks and she spends the entire summer here in CO.

If I moved to MI, I'd likely only see her once a month anyway. She is a teenager with tons of friends and plans on weekends.

Disneyfan's picture

Some of those same posters sing a different tune when talking about BMs. How many SMs are stuck with full time SKs because the BM ran off to live with her new BF/HUSBAND?

None of those SMs ever praise the BM for putting her relationship first and I don't blame them. If SDs 5, 7 and 15 ended up living here full because their mothers decided to run off and build a life with their new SOs, I'd ve livid.

RedWingsFan's picture

I didn't run off anywhere, my daughter chose to live with her father in Michigan, effectively leaving me in CO...and did so years ago, before I met DH. Again, I totally understood why and supported her decision at age 11 to do so. I wanted her to be happy even though that meant me sacrificing having her with me all the time. I did what I thought was best for HER, not me. Had I been selfish, I could've told her no, you have to stay with me no matter what. I didn't do that. Nor did I "send her away"...I don't know where anyone is getting that idea!

StickAFork's picture

I think your first responsibility is to your minor child. It sounds like you picked husband #2 over her and now have chosen husband #3 over her. Sad

I could NEVER live apart from my children. Come hell or high water, I'll do right by them.

RedWingsFan's picture

Why is it that no one tends to read the original post? My DH came along almost 3 yrs after my daughter CHOSE to live with her dad! I didn't choose him over her...I was living in CO and my daughter wanted to move to MI to be with her father because she was tired of moving around a lot.

Once I was able to get myself away from the abusive ex and build a life without him, I met DH. Still in CO...and daughter was still in MI with her dad. I didn't choose him over her.

cant win for losin's picture

WOW, i'm not even gonna comment on how i feel about the other comments. i'm gonna say first....

CONGRATS to you for being able to get out of that abusive relationship. and good for you for being able to recognize and understand your dd's need to go live with her father. i'm sure it wasn't easy. But now you have your dh, doin good. sounds like dd is doin well.

of course she would think it would be cool if you lived in Mi. your her momma. she loves you. but let's be realistc too. this is not just a "hey mom come move to the next town over." situation. not only that, it is not a 5 year old little girl who you will still have lots of years to see grow up and then move again when she graduates. We are talking, moving states, a few years until graduation. SO many ways to look at it. And this is how i would look at it. One, Michigan does suck. People are leaving. leaving for a reason folks. the jobs just aren't here. and the ones that are, are getting cut. that fact alone (cause i don't know what you and dh do for a living) may be a deciding factor right there. Two, she is a teenaged girl. she is gonna be busy busy busy. not saying you won't see her, but let's say that the new co says you get every other weekend. well what average teen doesn't have things going on over the weekends?!?!?! Do you make her come anyway? Miss your weekends? It's not like she will be moving back in with you full custody. Which brings me to three. How many of us on here have had our worlds (and sometimes kids too) turned upside down from a change in circumstance?!?! you have to admit, your "parenting" and "visitations" won't be like it was before when you were states away?
i think your mom and dd miss ya, and see your moving as a chance to be closer to you physically for a while. i know lots of people who have loved ones who live far away, and if they are moving to a different state, they say to them, "oh you should move back here. we would live closer then." "oh man it would be so cool if you lived here again...."

RedWingsFan's picture

THANK YOU! It was so hard to get out of that bad relationship and yes, it was very hard for me to let my daughter go, but I know it was for the best. And it's not like I never see her and we just skype and talk on the phone.

She's busy damn near every single weekend with her friends. And she comes to visit me in CO for 2 mos every summer, plus I travel to MI at least twice a year. Some people here seem to think that we never see each other.

I think I got to the crux of the issue with her: she doesn't want to leave her friends all summer long to come out here, so if I lived in MI, she wouldn't have to. And my mom, well, since she missed out on time with me due to the crazy ex husband, she wants me close by. Not to mention, mom doesn't work and hasn't for 10 yrs due to back issues. She's BORED and lonely and lives with her brother. She's 56 yrs old and doesn't have much of a life, so she wants me there to fill a void. She and I had a long talk this weekend. Both my daughter and my mother miss having me around (as I miss them) but the reality is, going to a place with NO jobs just isn't a smart move!

cant win for losin's picture

i understand that. She is at that age, and 2 months away from friends and summer fun is an eternity to a teenager. I use to really feel bad for my Exsd. (we still talk today Smile ) She would have to come up to Mi, for the summer with me and her dad. It was harder and harder every year. I understand dad needs his time too, but come on, almost the whole summer?!?!?! What kid wants to spend the summer at a place where they have no friends, family lives over 30 mins away, literally had NOTHING to do until dad got home. Well dad worked all day, so he came home and laid around the rest of the evening. SMH. I just couldn't understand it.

So maybe for you and your dd it is time to look at the schedule. Maybe break that visit into two?

RedWingsFan's picture

I'll go up to MI at Christmas this year and then she'll be here in CO for spring break in April so I told her if she wanted to cut summer down to 4-6 weeks next year, I'm fine with that. Then if all goes well, we'll move to VA in the fall and I'll go up to MI at Christmas again and then every month or every other month during long weekends, I'll drive up to see her.

I honestly think that will be way better than trying to find jobs an hour or two away in MI and seeing her only once a month there anyway!

Didn't think I'd get called a "bad mom" here on this forum, but I understand that some people didn't read the original post very well and assumed I dumped my daughter off on my ex when I found the new DH. That's the farthest from the truth!

BuffaloGal's picture

We have bullies here on ST, just like anywhere else. It sucks, but we just need to disengage from rudeness and name-calling here like we do IRL. Good luck to you RedWings! Smile

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks, I get that some wouldn't understand my situation and I feel guilty enough for even getting involved with ex husband #2 anyway. He totally snowed me for the first few years and then kept me through threats of harming my daughter and family and physically harming me.

It's been a hard time and I'm finally happy and my daughter is happy for me - so when it came down to her asking me to move to Michigan, I was just immediately torn. I've done all I can for her from a distance and we get along great. It just floored me that people actually thought I abandoned her.

RedWingsFan's picture

Thank you! And yes, after speaking with other family members and a lot of close family friends that are aware of the situation, they have all said the same. She's being quite selfish but that's what teens do. She chose to move with dad, and she knew what that would entail. Now that she's getting older and is starting high school, I told her I have no problem shortening her summer vacation to a few weeks instead of 2 mos, as I realize her friends and having summer activities at home are very important to her.

Our move to VA is still in the planning stages. Both DH and I want a new start, away from the drama of families and in a new place. We chose the move based on our wants and desires and made the choice together, and again, she was thrilled at first to learn of the move there because she LOVES VA and wants to live there after she graduates. So, it just made sense for us to choose this place to go. Plus, with the military, government and tourism industries in the state of VA, the economy and job opportunities are way better than a lot of other states.

Thanks again for your input. I've been struggling with a lot of guilt from the past and now I know that I can't change or erase the past, I can only build a better future!

~Mel

RedWingsFan's picture

VA is gorgeous! I've lived there twice, once in Ashburn and then in Round Hill out in the country on a horse farm. Completely beautiful!

I agree with you and I do feel extremely lucky to have such a wonderful man to share my life with after all I'd been through with my ex.

I only hope my daughter can come around to see that I'm only looking to build a good future for us all so we can be stable, secure and happy!

~Mel

stormabruin's picture

In an intact family, the parents would make choices based on what's feasable for their household.

Your daughter has been living states away from you already, so why would it make a difference whether you were in Colorado or Virginia? She chose to move away. She chose the distance.

If Virginia provides good opportunity for your family, take it! I don't see where hurting your household finances with a crappy economy by moving to Michigan for the sake of pleasing other people (who are unaffected by the hit you'd take) is a responsible choice.

If your daughter wants you close, she can choose to move to VA, just like she chose to move to Michigan. She can go to high school anywhere. Unfortunately, that can't be said for job opportunities.

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks! I agree and I just hope that one day she'll see it too. She's only 14 but is mature for her age in many ways. I know she has no idea of the logistics of trying to make a living as an adult, or what it really would mean for me to live in MI. Not all fun and games like she's imagining. Likely I'd end up having to work two jobs (if I could find them!) just to make ends meet, which would render me unavailable a lot. I think she just thinks it would be awesome to have both parents and grandparents all close by so she's never bored or if dad says no, she can call mom...plus she wouldn't have to leave her friends every summer.

I've written her a facebook message detailing how excited she seemed to be upon first hearing our plans to move to VA, how manipulative my mother is for her own selfish reasons (she's been wanting me to move back for YEARS just to keep her company!) and what it means for me to be stable and secure financially after spending the last 10 yrs of my life unstable and insecure!

I'm trying to build a good future, a place for my DH and I to love living and prosper, and for her to come visit as she chooses. It's driving distance to MI so I'll be able to go up much more frequently than by living in CO, plus once she starts driving, she can come down when her dad approves.

Thanks again and our plans are still in place. I await her response, and I've already told my mother to back off. This has nothing to do with her anyway.

~Mel

christinen's picture

First of all, good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship. That must have been one of the hardest things you have ever done. And congrats on finding a good man who wants to make you happy!
I understand why you agreed to let your daughter live with her dad, but I also think she must really miss you. I’m a grown adult and can’t imagine not seeing my mom very often. I understand that she made the decision, but to make such a big decision at 11 years old… I am not sure she fully understood what she was doing and I feel like years down the road, she will regret not having spent time with you when she had the opportunity.
I know she is only 14 now, but does she have any idea what she wants to do after high school? If she is planning to go away for college, I can see how you might not want to move to MI for a couple years, and then have her move away.
I am a BIG supporter of putting the marriage first, but I also think your daughter needs you. This is a tough one!

RedWingsFan's picture

Thanks, it was a long and difficult road to get away from such an evil man. He verbally, emotionally and physically abused me. Verbally and emotionally abused my daughter. Threatened to kill us and my entire family. Choked me out in front of her (he was an ex special forces soldier in the Air Force, trained to kill) just to prove that a few moments more and I'd be dead...

As far as my daughter goes, she wants to move to Virginia (we've lived there twice before) after she graduates. So, I'd assume that by me going ahead of time and paving the way, getting settled, stable and secure long before graduation day, it would be a better thing for her in the long run.

I did get out of her that the main issue is her having to leave her friends for 2 mos consecutively during summer. So I texted her father and asked if he'd be willing to modify the visitation to be only 4 weeks instead of 8. Of course, he said "I'll think about it" and I'm still awaiting a response. So at least now it's in his hands and she knows that.

One good thing is she LOVES his girlfriend and she's taken on the mother role. So in essence, she has 2 moms. One in MI and me here in CO. She also said that it would be better if I were there for times when she's bored or her dad says no to something, well mom can then take her where dad won't. So it's more of a convenience thing to her really.

I don't think she necessarily needs me to go into debt, fall behind because jobs are just NOT there and end up in the hole for 3 yrs and then not even be able to move to VA once she graduates because I can't afford it.

And I have to also take into consideration DH's feelings. He wants us to get a fresh start somewhere away from family drama. To drag him right into the middle of my family drama and ex husband being there, is just like what we have here in CO with his family and his ex. Not fun for either of us and no way to really build a good, solid marriage.

I'm hoping my ex will go for modifying the summer visitation schedule because I honestly think that would make my daughter happier and not want me there knowing it's just not a good decision for the future!

Thanks again for responding!
~Mel

christinen's picture

If your daughter plans to move to VA after she graduates, I am leaning towards thinking you should go ahead with your planned move. You're absolutely right about the economy in MI. You both would be extremely lucky to be able to find work there.

RedWingsFan's picture

I agree. And 2 cities in VA are in the top 10 places in the nation for new jobs and economic growth. It just makes perfect sense in our opinion to go. Not that we're suffering or struggling too hard here in Denver, but we're both looking for a change. Closer to the ocean, new place, new people. Away from both of our family's influences and drama...not to mention his ex is 6 miles away and we see her ALL the freaking time!

~Mel