It's getting ugly. sigh My H has been using a mediator/councilor to find better ways to communicate with BM. BM is totally threatened now, because the mediator is saying things need to be separate, less contact, all the stuff we SMs talk about. BM calls H 3 or 4 times a day and I don't think he tells me the half of it. There's a codependency going on there, BM needs my H's attention and H fears BM will alienate SD from him. BM is going absolutely off the deep end, her neediness, her fix is going to be cut off and she's not going to let it go without a fight. I knew it was bad, but I had no idea how dependent she is. H is hoping the mediator will help change this. I think it's a good step. But the councilor did say it would get worse before it got better.
H invited me to a school workshop for SD a few weeks ago. This was before the communication sessions with BM. This was also before H told me BM months ago said I wasn't to go to the school, which he told her, too bad SM can go when she wants to. So I had agreed to go to the workshop before these events. H really wants me to go, I think he's hoping she'll freak out in front of everyone. I think he wants to irritate her, I think he's playing a game with her. I don't want to be a pawn in his games with her.
They both really need these sessions to friggn' move on already (separated five years, divorced for three).
So should I go to the school's workshop?
I think your right....
trust yourself. He knows this will irritate her, and if that IS the real and only reason he does want you to go, then don't. If YOU want to go , to be there for SD, then too bad for BM, and go. If she freaks out, or says something stupid....inform your DH that: this was a "freebie", next one's gonna cost you! Let him know what you think about his "game" and that you will not participate.~ " I started out clean, now, I'm jaded"~ Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20
Only if YOU want to go
I say, put aside what you think DH is doing or what you think BM will do. Don't let either of them influence you, decide without consideration of either of them. Do you want to go?
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
First reaction.
My first reaction without knowing about the other crap going on was to go. I thought it might help me be closer to SD.
I really don't want to be a pawn. I grew up with divorce parents and they both used me as a pawn. It's weird but being in a step-family is making me relive some of the not so pleasant things from my childhood. It's like being a pawn is my hair-shirt.
Then it sounds like
You don't want to go. It may be a little hairy with your DH after you agreed to go but if you are that uncomfortable then make an excuse and bail out. I agree that you should not be a pawn for your DH, no one deserves that.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Very valid points. . .
I don't know about you but i ENJOY showing up where BM is to let her know that I"M STILL AROUND after 4 YEARS and YES YOU WERE EASILY REPLACEABLE and YES I wasn't just a part-time fling and WEREN'T you SURPRISED when BF DIDN'T come CRAWLING back to you like you "predicted."
The shocked look on her face when we showed up to the school meeting re: SD9's failing of classes was worth it alone! Oh yeah and me commenting at the meeting about how SD was very articulate and not in the least "disabled" like BM wanted to classify her was the ICING ON THE CAKE!
See my post
On how the low the BM will go to get your DH's attention. It is co-dependency. My FH dealt with it for almost 15 years before I came in to the picture and he put a stop to it and set up boundaries. It is now driving the woman out of her mind and she will go to ANY length to talk to him - she plays the helpless victim and always wants to talk about "their" daughter. As someone said in another post - her DH stood up to his ex and said "the only reason I EVEN speak to you is because of our daughter and that is the ONLY reason don't think it is for you (or something like that
)" She is not in his life anymore - you are his WIFE and she has no reason to call him 3 to 4 times a day unless it is an emergency, drop off pickup whatever - not to chat. That is ridiculous. How old is SD? My FH bought my SD a cell phone when she was 13 and he just calls her directly that way - every night. He too was worried that BM would alienate him but he calls his daughter every night and visits her regularly so she knows that her dad is there for her. GO TO THE WORKSHOP -let her flip out - you have every right to be there! Good luck
She sucks him in.
SD is nine, I don't think we'll get her a cell phone any time soon. Although it could be an outcome from the sessions. Yes it is codependency, and he's still enabling her, less mind you. But now there is a plan in place to severe the codependent ties and she's angry. She wants to blame him, she wants to blame me. She sucks him in and he responds, it's pathetic and hard to watch. He'll take her calls and then tell me he can't talk to me because he's now late from talking to her for half an hour. And then he'll take out his frustrations on me for wanting to talk to him when he's late -- now it's my fault. I pointed that by taking her calls he's enabling her, he should say goodbye if it's not business and hang up. I pointed out that you will take the time to talk to her, but not me and then take your anger out on me. I do think he sees it. It's not easy to see or admit to your own faults.
Step you are living my old life...
My FH used to do the same thing to me. Everything would come to a halting stop when the B**tch called. We could be with friends, having dinner, watching a movie whatever and the psycho would call and he would answer it and i would have to sit there and wait til SHE was done rattling on with whatever she felt like talking about. Then my FH would be all pissy. WTF???? I agree with you your DH is enabling his ex by picking up the phone. He needs to let it go to VM and if it is about his daughter and it is VALID then by all means he should call her back. If she starts in on other issues then he should hang up (oh so politely of course and not be dragged in to ANYTHING that does not pertain to SD). I had a huge fight with my FH about this and slept in the other bedroom for 2 days (in my own house mind you) til he got it. My mother (of all people) told me that he was probably used to years of abuse and that was all he knew because it had been going on for YEARS! Sure enough when we talked it out he said the exact same thing (don't you hate when your parents are right). All her calls go to vm and if it is something legit he calls back and keeps it short. Please send me an email if you want more detail and or support I was ready to go on prozac because of this crazy woman. It's not a jealousy thing at all it's just this is our man and we don't need anyone depending on them - go get your own damn man!!!! Mine hasn't had a man in 15 years - she supposedly chased some man out of her house last week because she had a home invasion - my FH think she was running after him cuz that is the only one that has ever been in her living room since they broke up
. BTW - I am a biomom with a 21 year old and I NEVER talked to his dad unless it was about pickup and drop off and we were polite to each other and that was it. We were together for 7 years but we both moved on. Good luck!
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