Step Talk

There's not much she can do if she's not invited, but personally, I think her partner should tell the brother that if your friend isn't invited, then he isn't going to be there, and he's sorry. If the ex wife can't handle being at the same event with her, then that's the ex wife's problem. Period. I hope your friend's partner sticks up for her.

The point isn't really the wedding, but the fact that the brother is making a clear decision to alienate my friend and the fact that the partner is attending is an affirmation of that decision, right?

It's not like my friend is insisting that the ex-wife not attend. Seems so ridiculous to protect the ex-wife at the expense of the current relationship.

I understand what you're saying, and I think its awful to treat someone that way. I just hope her partner ends up sticking up for her and letting his brother know its not right.

Right, but he isn't sticking up for her -- her partner is arguing that it is his brother's decision, and he doesn't want to miss his brother's wedding at any cost, and so he will go with the kids and the ex-wife and my friend can stay home and feel terrible.

My Dh's family LOVES BM, I mean LOVES her. When DH's little brother got married three montha after we did he wanted to invite BM. My DH & youngest SS were in the wedding. DH asked him not to invite her and his brother said that he just thought it was good ettiquette as he had known BM for 10 years. Again DH begged him not to & alluded that they would not be in the wedding if she was invited. This was his extended families first opportunity to meet me. I think my SIL prevailed & they didn't invite her.

Believe me I have endured so many people being concerned about how BM will feel, no one EVER asks how will Sweetthing feel, will this make her uncomfortable? I have to see this woman everyday, she gets my DH's money & still wants more, she gets them after all the homework is done & she gets to play with them & go to Wal Mart ect... after we have done all the work after school. She gets all the control.

If your friend isn't married to this moron who can't even stand up for her she needs to get out now while the getting is good. This will set a precedent for things to come.

And, she isn't objecting in ANY way to the ex-wife being there. She just feels that if she isn't included, they should boycott.

I agree, it is a really scary precedent.

That is a load of CRAP!! And BELIEVE ME, this WILL set a precedent!! I had to put up with this kind of shit for TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS until finally I called it quits and that was ONE of the reasons that I split from him - she is firmly ensconced in his family's collective asses!!!!

Everyone was soooooooooooooo concerned about poor Holy St. Ex...until finally I rolled over and made nice, thinking that would help me make a place in The Family...errm. NO. It didn't. They had a daughter-in-law already, and it was her. So fine, f*** 'em in the neck, I say!

This is total bs. Trust me. Your friend's man needs to stand up to his family and say, hey, you either invite ALL of us...or I'M not coming. Preferably, it should be HER or YOU guys. If he goes with the kids and the ex wife and leaves your friend at home, then honestly that would be a HUGE dealbreaker, because that is crap.

Seems to me your friend's man has no spine, in my humble little opinion.
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Soon to be Fearless the Free!

if she hasnt moved on by now to the point where seeing them together would make her "uncomfortable" well u know what then? TOUGH SHIT. let her deal w it or SHE can decide not to go. as for the guy, that would be the last living day i would let him think its acceptable to go to a wedding and leave me at home bc of the ex-wifes feelings. i would be out the door. DEAL BREAKER

She needs to kick her partner to the curb. The brother has the right to invite anyone that he wants to his wedding, but all of them should be invited.
That is a terrible way to treat his partner and what goes around comes around.

The Groom isn't being supportive of his brother's current family. When you look at it, the Groom is being hypocritical, he's asking his brother to support his new union and completely disrespecting his brother's current family.

Groom: "please come and celebrate my wedding and my new life, but please don't bring your current life-partner because I'd rather have your past-partner here instead."

how disrespectful of his new life...

The partner sould be invited as well. The ex doesn't have to talk to her. I don't think I could stay in a relationship if my partner did not stand up for me in a situation like that. He should say something to his brother about that.

Also, is the the brother's first marriage? If it is not, how would he feel if someone treated his soon to be spouse that way?

Mich, your friend has every right to be good and pissed. My question would be - where does it stop? Should your friend just expect to be excluded in order to appease the ex?

She should make her feelings known now. If she agrees to go along with this she is giving him permission to do it again in the future.

The more I've thought about this the more angry it makes me. The brother has SOME NERVE to exclude your friend, and her partner is even worse.

I think I would seriously be kicking my man to the curb if he pulled that crap on me.

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Soon to be Fearless the Free!

The ex-wife should receive her own invitation, and a separate invitation to "Brother and Girlfriend."

They are making him choose between his family and his current girlfriend. If he doesn't stand up to his family for what is right they will continue to treat brother's girlfriend as though she doesn't exist.

No, this isn't right, and if your friend's boyfriend doesn't do right by her then I would suggest she seriously reconsider the relationship.

I agree with you all, completely. It is time for her to set a precedent with this guy. It is just tough to be the messenger here...

Just send her a copy of this and let her see how wrong a lot of people think it is.

erase

If BM wants to go, then fine. I have no problem with not telling someone getting married that they can't invite anyone they want. But...I would never allow anyone, especially my own brother to invite my ex and not invite my H. Your friend's SO needs to make a stand on this one or not attend himself. Granted the wedding day isn't about your friend. But it is not about BM either.

My first H was married, for a year and a half when he was around 20. We met when he was 25, and married two years later. His exW and he had a very close mutual friend, who had worked for his brother, as well as was a best friend of my ex's sister. Now this mutual family friend had many Christmas parties and went out of her way to invite all of us and not choose. She always said to me, "I invited (Then H's exW) and her H, but I told her if she was uncomfortable with you two being there, then I would understand if she didn't want to come." And she never did, but made other excuses and would not say it was because I would be there. I learned a lot from this mutual friend of all of ours on how to include everyone and not allow a friend to manipulate you into a corner over this situation. We all attended her wedding and everything seemed ok.

FIVE years later, my H and I had my oldest son. A few months later, my then SIL threw a baby shower for that same family friend who was expecting any week by then. I called my SIL to ask if I could help her with the shower and she said, "Well...that might be awkward, because Teresa's helping (then H's exW.)" I said, "Oh...well if there's anything I can do for it anyway, without making her uncomfortable, please let me know."

A few months later... an old co-worker from my BIL's office called and asked me if I was going to this woman's shower (I had worked for my BIL for four years too, but not at the same time the mutual friend had.) I told my ex-coworker I thought I was, but I hadn't received my invitation. She said, "Well.... it's this weekend..."

My stomach dropped. Could my own SIL be excluding me from a family friend's shower completely in order to please my H's exW????

My ex-coworker, playing devil's advocate went up to my SIL (not the one throwing the party, the one who's office we worked at) and asked, "It says on the invitation that Teresa so and so is co-hosting with (SIL). Who's that????" My SIL said, "That's Z's H's exW." My co-worker said, "Well...that will be interesting with Z there." My SIL said, "Z is NOT invited. She thinks she needs to go and show off 'that' baby of hers to make Teresa uncomfortable and ruin our friend's day."

WHAT?

My then H took a stand. We never came right out and told our IL's why we stopped coming around, or why we didn't bring "THAT" baby of ours around much anymore, even on holidays. But we didn't. It was horrible.

My only saving grace was then H's other sister who knew nothing of this whole drama (didn't want to involve her.) So one day a few weeks after the shower my nicest SIL and I were visiting when she asked, "Why weren't you at P's shower???" I said, "Well....this is awkward but, I wasn't invited because of Teresa." My SIL said, "WHAT???? Your whole H's family was there and not you but his EXWIFE????? THAT's ridiculous. I wish you would have told me so I could have said something. I just thought you didn't come. I walked up to (SIL I worked for in the past) and said, "Where's Zen? How come she didn't come????"

I wish I could have seen all their faces when my SIL did that.

It is absolutely ridiculous that your friend was not invited and the ex SIL was. As a matter of fact, my DH's ex SIL and BIL caved under pressure to not invite us to their oldest daughter's wedding last year or to her baby shower(from BM and some other family members.) BM never rsvp'd for the wedding, expected US to pay for SD's dress for it, then did show up at the last minute to attend, but left the reception way early, right after eating. Then the baby shower BM never responded, then sent a regret at the last minute too, so SD didn't get to go. BM never sent a gift to either event, DH and I sent one to each, and have dinner occasionally with them. I think by the time their youngest gets married they are going to give up on BM and invite us.

BUT... we don't make them feel bad for caving since it's their sister, you know?

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

Amazing to me is that these ex's can not move onto living the new life they choose. They still use the old family as a crutch.
They never give up making the ex's life hard to manage, still wanting to keep a toe in the middle of the circle. Controversy makes them the center of attention, which is what they are trying to achieve.
There could be 200 people at the wedding the x still wants to feel it is about her.
It will amuse you if you look at her with pity.
Your day will come to throw a party and not invite the brother because he may not like the ex being excluded.

with BF's only "full blooded" alternative lifestyle older brother by two years! Come to think of it IT DID as older brother got "married" to his (for now) life partner and BM was invited but not us!! From the get go he took BM's side and was invited to BM's wedding this past weekend to the half man/half sloth.

Hope he likes that whole gang. You'd think he'd change sides when BM stuck him with a huge cell phone bill that goofy SS stb 12 ran up!! Of course, BM cried poor mouth and he believed her line about getting no CS from BF (i'm sure he STILL believes this as he's been shunning BF AND paying BM's cell phone bill since day one)

Oh no, his loyalty is to BM and brat-abulous skids (HIS nephews and niece). Come to think of it, BF's older brother DOES have a lot in common with BF!!!!

Wedding invites many times are reserved for "family" members. If this man has not respected his "partner" enough to make her family, the people getting married are not respecting this union either. If he is offended, he should not attend. Until the new partner is officially "family" (ring & ceremony), they are looking at the mother of the kids more like family.
Personally, I would invite her---but not everyone thinks alike.How does the bride feel about the "partner"?

not to be a downer but she may want to reconsider her situation. MY inlaws are the same way in regards to inviting the ex to family functions. Their logic is BM IS SS's mother so we should do it for SS(bull crap) regardless of how it makes DH and I feel. They will tell us(DH and I) to "get over it", well its hard to "get over it" when BM is making our life hell. Its unlikely your friends family will change their ways so she needs to ask herself can she live like this.