Wow, am I grateful to have found a network of intelligent and balanced stepmoms out there! I am so tired of all of the polly-anna type advice from books about stepparenting! I am human and my feelings are very real and raw. I am hoping that you more experienced stepmoms can help me find my way though this very confusing maze!
I am not, actually, a stepmom at this point and am actually a little slow to finalize my own divorce. I am doing this so that I can take more time to figure out if I actually have the constitution to go through with the stepparenting life.
I have two boys, ages 3 and 5. Their biodad and I split about a year and a half ago, and I have been intensely involved with a very dear and special man for about 10 months. That i am madly in love with him is absolutely certainly. He brings enormous love and affection to my life, and is very attached and involved with my two boys (they are responsive and happy to have him in their lives as well).
He has two daughters (ages 7 and 10...the older one very much a pre-teen, and the younger one heavily influenced by her older sister). He speaks of them with teary eyes and reverence 'my girls...my girls, oh how I miss my girls' and has worked out a custody arrangement with standard alternating weekends and several weeks during the summer.
When they visit, the girls spend much of their time disrespecting their dad and complaining. The whine about just about everything; there is no pleasing them! They always seem to have conflicts with my boys (who are not perfect by any means--but I am ready to admit that and reprimand them deftly), are always 'boooorrrred', and generally get on my nerves. They are not friendly, especially the older one, and smile little. All the while, their father is the classic incompetent dad, paying little attention to 'his beloved girls' and instead spending most of their visits on the computer, reading the paper or dragging them to work with him (he is distracted like this in his daily life when they are not visiting, so this is not terribly out of character for him, but all of the work falls on me and I am not interested in raising his two spoiled brats)!
The older one calls him a butthead and he simply chooses to ignore it. I don't, and am put in the bad cop position. They seem confused about their feelings about me, having accused me of stealing their dog (who escaped from dad's house before he came to live with me), but follow me around like puppys in search of some kind of activity during their visits.
The scope of their mother's influence is huge, and she is really hostile. They are not allowed to bring anything that is given to them at my house home with them. They are VERY loyal to their mom (who, by the way, was never married to their mom as he refused to marry a woman who had a baby without his consent and whom he never loved). I feel like I am living with two petulant versions of his ex, and I do everything that I can do to stay away when they are visiting.
I know that a lot of these feelings are not very pretty, and I am not proud of them, but I really don't want anything to do with these girls, and wonder how I could manage given the current situation. They have NO respect for their dad, and he is doing no boundary-setting in order for that to change (nor do I believe that he is really capable of learning these skills)!!
He is a fabulous, creative and very passionate human being, but a wreak when it comes to parenting his 'little angels!' Everyone who has met these girls find them to be annoying, cold and disrespectful...they just don't have any warmth or positive attributes to bring to the picture! My boys are loving, attentive and generous. I can't imagine the negative influence that these girls might have over the years.
Well, as you can see, I'm no saint! I shoud feel sorry for these poor girls, but this is my home and my life and my children's futures here! I wonder if I will be stuck with a similar bunch of problems no matter who I fall in love with, and can't imagine letting the love of my life go! I only have them on alternating weekends, but can't stand it, dread their arrival and listen to endless ruminations about 'how beautiful it was to be with (my) girls....YUCK!
HELP! (and thanks to those of you who hung in there long enough to read this post)!
Barf.
Oh, do I sympathize...I'm not sure what to say to help you other than talk to your husband, maybe, but I sure can sympathize...I went out with a guy (before my husband) who had this daughter that he just ADORED...he would say things along the lines of:
"I love that kid, I'd marry her if I could!"
-and-
"I just LOOOOOOOOOVE my daughter...I can't keep my hands off of her when she is around"
Can we say creepy?? And there was NO funny business going on becuase his ex wife had been molested by her dad and so that made him so sick that I'm sure he wouldn't do that to his own DAUGHTER...but he would talk about her as if she was Jesus Christ personified in a female body!! I was scared to death to meet this kid and when I finally did, she this fat, unkempt, ghetto girl that was down to earth and easy to get along with, but still!!! Ugh!!
I wonder if husbands realize how nauseating it is!! I was afraid MY husband was going to be that way about HIS daughters (who really ARE very nice, pretty, well brought up young ladies, teensy bit spoiled (but what kid isn't anymore and yeah, but he will even say that) but he was not.
I am a little flummoxed about how to react to your question, but I am definitely a sympathizer...ugh! I can see how you wouldn't want to be annoyed and I totally feel your pain. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...maybe sit your husband down and explain your feelings to him but put the spin on it that it is out of concern for the girls...they are here to see their dad and you would like to see him make a better effort (that is probably the wrong words, effort...) maybe Dad doesn't realize how things really are and maybe you can break it down to him? Sounds like Dad has Perfect Angel syndrome when it comes to his daughters...but if he is willing to listen to your feelings, you have a foot in the door?
I don't know. I don't have kids and I went for a man with older (and moved-out-gone) children for this very reason, so I am probably not the best authority here...but I can definitely feel your pain and sympathize! You're not alone!! I will be looking forward to the responses to your post!! YOU sound like an awesome mom who has her head on straight, and I wish you the best of luck!
Hugs,
Paranoid
hi paranoid
I replied to your post below...I was having trouble figuring out the site (i'm not very web savvy)!
Anyways, if you scroll down you'll see my thanks : )
Sounds like Dad has some work to do!
Sounds like Dad has some work today in developing some boundaries that are acceptable to him and spending time with his girls while they are with him. That may make some difference in their behaviour. I wouldn't recommend getting involved and defending their Dad when they aren't nice to him. Leave that to him...he is capable. If not, you will be the bad guy.
This situation is very feasible, but there is work ahead and a lot of commitment on the adult's involved to make the situation work! Good luck and take care.
i hear you loud and clear
my 8 year old SD is SOO rude and nasty to dad. calls him "daddy-O" and when dad asks her "do you know why daddy does XYZ?" (example showing her how he does plumbing stuff)
she responds "because you're DUMB??!!!"
she has an action figure of a "secret agent man" that she has literally taped his hands and feet a.k.a bondage style, blindfolded and gagged him; talks about stabbing him! GAG ME!!!
good grief this kid is HELLISH! to top it off, her daddy was busy working on our VERY fixer upper house. she screams at the top of her lungs because "daddy-o" won't help her with a computer game and i wasn't helping her fast enough. I told her "daddy is very busy right now; i'll help you" and she TOTALLY ignores what i say and screams for her dad again!!!!! i then had all i could take and "scolded" her by telling her that she needs to show patience and respect for others.. if looks could have killed! with her curly blonde "sunbeam baby" locks and baby blue eyes!!! i blame the BM who has constantly fed hate, hate, hate to her daughter (yet ironically just got a cushy job at the local child abuse dept.) talk about PAS!!!
also when the smoke alarm went off because daddy was soldering/sweating in pipe, all she did was scream at the top of her lungs like she was scolding it!!!!
all three children have been COMPLETELY coddled and babied by BM and her mom and to a lesser extent daddy.
then as the hellish weekend (we get them EVERY weekend not EOW) came to a close, daddy runs out and profusely apologizes to SD because it wasn't a "FUN" weekend and promises that next week, we will totally focus on doing FUN things with them!!
stepmom living with an angel?
AWAY WITH WORDS MY STEPDAUGHTER CURSES LIKE A TRUCK DRIVER AND HER FATHER TELLS PEOPLE IN A VERY PROUD MANNER THAT SHE HAS A WAY WITH WORDS!HE TREATS ME LIKE THE CHILD AND HIS DAUGHTER AS THE ADULT.When we have issues they should be something we as a couple work out.Well I know he discusses this with her.Of course she responds to him as a concerned daughter but she would love life with just her father.I have been dealing with this since she was 14 and she will be 20.If he is watching T.V and I interupt he will answer very shortly,hint.But if his daughter enters the room he is all ears.I never had a father in my life so maybe I am missing something but I feel he needs to remember who is the daughter and who is his wife.
I know how you feel
I have a 15 year old step daughter, I have been around ever since she was almost 9. She was living with her dad when I first moved in and then her mom talked her to moving back with her due to that I had three kids, and that she would not have her way any more with her dad. Her dad has her very spoiled, he lets her by with everything. I have three children who are 10,9, and 6, if they do anything out of the way they get in trouble or grounded for a while, but it is okay for her to do things that they are not allowed to do. I try to talk to her dad, which is my husband and he gets all pissed off at me, I feel like she is trying to run me and my children off. Just like he lets her use the internet, and go to chat rooms, and my 10 year old wants to get on line and go to educational sites and he told me that she could not use the internet that she was not old enough. His daughter does not try to help out with any house work or anything. All she wants to do is stay on the phone, and run the cell phone bill up. She uses more minutes than I do, and just talks to anybody. I try to talk to my husband about things but he says until he gets her mother to paying him child support for her than he is going to let her by with things, I feel that it is not fair to my children that she gets by with things and they get grounded or there butts beat for things that which is really her fault, and it does not do any good to say anything to him, because he is always going to take up for her no matter what. Please help me my nerves are shot and I don't know what to do or where I stand
1st of all..
If it were my child at 10 and wanted to get on the internet, I think I would have to tell him to kiss my a$$.. My daughter is 10 and gets on the internet. I know where she is at, and what she is doing. So I think that he would not be telling me anything about my child.
By him being that way to your children is teaching or telling your kids that they are not important at all, they are less valuable. As there mom you are to step up and protect them if you will or be there mouth and make sure things are fair. If your husband cannot step up to the plate with your children and be fair to them then what does that say for his character.
Let him know that things are changing around there. That he is no longer aloud to discipline your children. That you see it as unfair to your kids and that it would be best not only for them but for your marriage if you both controlled your own children.
A kid is a kid. I know I have issues with my SK.. but I still love them and try very hard not to be this way or the way he is as well. ITs hard trust me. But my kids are just as important to my husband as they are to me and there real father.
What is good for his DD is good for your kids.. I see there is an age difference but your kids should not be expected to do more and able to so much less. PRincess needs to get off her duff and do things to help out too.
And what does her mother paying child support have to do with any of this? Just curious.. They also make lawyers and judges and laws to help get that money?
Sorry I am being a little mean to the man but he is being very unfair and teaching your kids no self worth.
Absolutely agree, baffled!
My husband's middle child, a daughter, is coming to visit next week and I am mega concerned about this. It always seems that when she is here I become invisible. Uusally it is over long weekends or holidays and quite frankly, I am tired of spending these holidays without my spouse.
My husband and I discussed this concern and he asked me how he should be when his daughter is here. I suggested three things, not of which is rocket science, a) remember who is your wife and who is your child b) keep in mind your wedding vows and c) be yourself, whatever that is.
Oh...and the stepdaughter who had a baby a week ago and we heard from her a few times daily prior to the baby's birth and then when she was going to hospital, when she was starting to push and then a call from her personally when the baby was born...well we haven't heard much since the day the baby was born because my husband's ex, her mother, has been here visiting so pop's goes on the backburner until the ex (the queen) goes home. Tomorrow my husband will be able to visit the baby again because she is gone now! So stupid and complicated!
I went to a wedding yesterday of one of my colleagues. It was beautiful. She was walked down the aisle by her dad and step dad. She had her first dance with her dad, then her step dad. Her mom and stepdad gave a speech together. The wedding was in the garden of her step dad's parents. There was no mention of step parents vs bio parents...they were all just her parents and grandparents. It was phenomenal...it is too bad that all families couldn't be like this!
We will see how this visit goes.... Time will tell.
Right on Baffled!!!l
That's it! Who is the child .. who is the spouse?? He seems confused on how to have a "normal" pareent/child relationship. He treats her like a peer/spouse/friend..etc
Sister-in-law told me that X once said he treats SD like the wife. He always told me..X was "jealous" of his relationship with SD. In his first marriage it was always Dad & SD togther. I thought they spent so much time together..leaned on each other..because of the nut-job bed hopping mother. I question that assessment now.
Which came first chicken or egg? Was X ignored and left out by these two...and as a result of being the odd (wo)man out... went looking for love in all the wrong places? Or did her running around & other behaviour cause these two to become close? Which came first?
If she complained or tried to "discuss" being left out by them..was that his grounds for accusing her of "jealousy"? Has he not figured out any of the mistakes made during the first marriage?
I know I haven't done anything to force him to run to her as did X...I've had his back from day one! (His kids turned thier backs on him for a while.) He too has run back to them with our conversations. So I guess I'm starting to get the picture...
In any relationship three is a crowd!!!!!
PS
I'm not having a good week... Thank You everyone for listening to me and giviing me your support, advice & perspective on things. It's truly appreciated!
what in the world?!
I think the real question is who is the ADULT and who is the CHILD??? What can you all possibly be thinking? How can a GROWN woman be jealous,resentful of, and competeitive with a child? The nature of the two relationships are totally different and not at all in conflict (unless you are so insecure you feel your romantic relationship is threatened by a paternal one!). ANy man who does treat his child as second to his "new" wife (whhich is what you all seem to want) is not a good dad and is not someone to be respected! and if the kids are bratty, they are hurting and angry about the family splitting up - wouldn't you be? and they are kids, therefore lacking in adult coping skills. they need their families to help them manage th emotion and learn better ways to deal with things, not compete and make them feel more alone... i am blown away by the lady who says about the 8 and 10 year olds, "i want nothing to do with these girls" - how can you say that about ANY child?!!? i am appalled at everything i've read here. i came looking for stepparenting tips, and instead i've found out that wicked stepmoms DO exist. grow up, go to therapy, and please, take a little care and responsibility for the children in this world. they aren't controlling their situation, they just have to do the best they can when their worlds change. you can leave and get a new man - they have ONE dad.
Obviously, you need to take
Obviously, you need to take off your rose colored glasses! All children are not wonderful to be around some of them have major issues that were not caused by their stepparents.
Also, if a husband doesn't put enough effort into his relationship with his wife then he will go from woman to woman because none of them will last. I think that kids need as much stability as they can get.
And finally, almost everybody is on this site to vent their feelings about their situation and shouldn't be judged anonymously! Some of them are trying to find ways to not feel the way they do. I applaud all of them for being brave enough to seek opinions on this site!!!!
I haven't read a post by any wicked stepmothers, only human beings that are in difficult situations doing the best they can.
I have nothing more to say.
Dawn
I am curious anonymous...
I read your comments "anonymous" with incredible astonishment. Have you been in a step parenting situation for very long? or at all? Are you married yet? If so, you obviously have the answers that many, many step parents are desperately looking for. The failure rate for second marriages is very, very high and most often related to challenges with step children. It is not even that the children, step parents biomoms, etc. are always at fault....sometimes it is not what is right or wrong or good or bad...it is about what is! Many bio parents have issues with children...step parenting issues are much different and more intense. The feelings on this website are not unique, unusual, wicked or offensive. They are normal feelings expressed by normal women in challenging situations. I have no doubt that the feelings expressed here allow step moms to relieve some of that stress and cope with day to day challenges. I know that it helps me.
There is no room for being judgmental. This is a resource...an awesome one. However, if it does not work for you...move along quietly. However, if you do have the answers that will allow everyone the kind of insight that you seem to have...please share! There was probably a time in my relationship that I felt somewhat like you expressed (probably not quite so blunt). However, a few years of marriage and parenting of teen step kids with two different sets of family dynamics changed my opinion really fast. Sometimes people are too soon old and too late smart!
what in the world?!....
You are either 1. VERY NEW to the whole step parenting thing (and if this is the case PLEASE buckle up and keep your hands inside the car AT ALL TIMES b/c you are in for a rude awakening and a CRAZY RIDE!) or 2. VERY MUCH in denial…Nevertheless, you said you came here looking for tips which means that you acknowledge that there are things that you do not know and/or are having some difficulties in your relationship….the ladies here are GREAT at giving advice and support… I hope you hang around long enough to find that our for yourself!
Make a GREAT Day!
Marriage is the #1 priority
if you choose to always place children before your marriage, your marriage will not last. Also, you are depriving your children of a stable home, if your marriage isn't stable. So, truly, your #1 priority is your marriage, and your #2 priority are your children.
A man that places the "wants" of a child above the "needs" of the marriage has his priorties confused.
Sure wicked stepmoms do exist, so do wicked biological mothers, which is mostly what the women here are complaining about. It's very challenging to always be the "adult" in very train wreck these bm's are entitled to create.
It is also okay to "vent" about be resentful or bitter towards a child, these are normal feelings to have when in abnormal sitations...this site is a place for that, it is also a place where these wonderful women search for advice on getting over those feelings to move forward in a positive direction. The finger pointing, name calling I'm reading in your post is purely negative commentation and will never benefit anyone.
You are so right, Candice!
The marriage should always be the number one priority in any marriage...first, second or third. If not, problems evolve! You are so right Candice!
For the record Anonymous.
For the record Anonymous. These "children" I speak of ARE ADULTS.. 21 and 31 yrs old!! With thier own husbands / fiancees..who would not put up with for one F**$ing second....what they dish out to me!!!!!
As with the rest of these wonderful ladie.....this site is a God send for women like us who are trying to find our way through difficult issues ...by being as honest as we can with ourselves and each other..to help each other through...
Same here lovin life...
The step kids that I am speaking of are 21, 26 and 29. They would expect far more in a relationship for themselves than they consider for their father. No doubt that kids do suffer in marital breakdowns...that is reality! But condoning inappropiate behaviour does not help them in any way!
I read your blog. ANONYMOUS
You are very judgemental on all of us. That is very unfair.
1st of all when you go to get married in any marriage, the preacher tells you that you should both put the marriage first, because without that marriage there is nothing.
In being a divorced mother of two, you may look at us like we are being cruel and mean about the kids. I think in most of the cases here we are here for support to maybe get a different perspective on our unique situations. I am very upset with what you have said. I realise that my step children have only one dad and sorry to say that I do feel there pain in the fact that they are in a divorced family situation but also that is not my fault. It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it. I think what we the SM are saying is that it would be nice if in some situtations they either A. would not just take there kids side.. I remember being a kid and hopefully you can too, kids can be very manipulative.. and get what they want.. B. all we all want is for our husbands to stop looking thru glasses that portray there children as angels. I have two children of my own and if I took there word for stone all the time I would hurt a lot of people. My kids are not perfect but the diff is I know it.. and am willing to face that fact.
Don't judge us woman, unless you can say you are in our shoes..
Tell us your story and if you are so perfect then give us your advice on how you got thru this. None of us here got married for the second time to watch it go down the tubes.. I know for sure I didn't. I love my SK as I do mine and yes there are some differences in that love but forgive me I am human. You must be an extra special human.
I talk to my kids all the time about divorce and what happened and why. So I think all of us here are supportive, but tell me when you try so hard to be everything you can and the SK shit on you until they need something tell me how to deal with that.. Should I just give them everything and let them shit on me because to me that is not teaching them about life. You can't shit on anyone and get what you want.
I guess I am a little angry on your comments.
But you are an expert from the sounds so you tell us how you dealt with all this and then we will try it..
STOP PASSING JUDGEMENT.. YOU ARE A HUMAN TO I AM ASSUMING WHICH MAKES YOU NOT PERFECT EITHER...
SO if you are getting ready to plunge into a marriage with SK and an EX I hope you all live happily ever after.. Because you seem to be saying you are going to share your husband 100% all the time with the ex.. And giving your SK everything so they will except you.. GOOD LUCK..
What in your world?
I have been in my SD's life for 9 years and every month when she comes to visit it's a crap shoot on whether she is talking to me or not (she's 11). I have finally found a site that speaks of real feelings not just a rose colored lala land.
anonymous..
Your funny!!! Step parent for a year or two and get back to us..
Um, that's a pretty
Um, that's a pretty judgmental post from someone who clearly has no background in parenting research. Have you forgotten that it is BEST FOR THE CHILDREN when the adults' marriage is heathly?!? The spouse SHOULD come first, unless it is an emergency for the child. My guess is, from the sounds of a lot of the children that are talked about on here, that the first marriages ended because the children WERE PLACED FIRST over the spouse. That is a recipe for disaster.
And furthermore, would you really want anything to do with children who are rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, and hateful/spiteful? I would guess not.
You hit the nail on the head Mommy2
"...that the first marriages ended because the children WERE PLACED FIRST over the spouse. That is a recipe for disaster."
I think most of the divorces of nuclear families are a result of that equation.
All the nuclear families where the parents have a strong relationship, meaning they make time for themselves as a couple and operate as a team, stay together. I don't necessarily think it's that anyone comes first or second in the successful equation, its a matter of collaboration. This collaboration is led by the adults in the house and the adults rules. The adults are there to educate their kids about life.
But I also believe there is a certain order to things:
• take care of yourself
Try taking care of others if you don't take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you are a martyr.
• take care of your marriage
Try to be a good parent if you and your spouse are at each other throats. What happens if you don't feel you have a partner who support one another during the good and challenging times.
• parent the children
If one neglects providing structure, guidance, discipline and life skills and then expect your kids to be good citizens -- good luck. If you fail to parent your kids its really a form of neglect. Is this because as a parent you are too afraid, lazy, clueless or guilt ridden etc.
yes, I totally agree that
yes, I totally agree that taking care of yourself comes first. I guess for me that is just a "given" now.
My H's first marriage ended because his ex put the kids first for everything. It has been tough showing him that he is doing the same thing to me. He is open-minded, though, and once something is pointed out, he wants to work on it, so that's good.
Stepmom to be..
I read your blog..
I can understand how you feel. I see these girls as they need someone to spend wuality time with them. I know I would not want to go to my dad's if I had to go to work with him. My daughter is 10 and hates to go to her dads because she says he is in the barn to much. (dairy farmer).
Sounds like they are afraid to really like you in fear of there bio mom. She sounds like a very harsh person.
I think there are psoitves that you can do here. When they are at YOUR house, and I say that because it is yours.. Not his or theres you have chosen to share you and your childrens home with them. So when they are there they need to respect you first and foremost. And as an adult that is up to you. Now I know I have the same issues and am trying to work with my step children but the ages are different. I understand your feelings.
I think they follow you around because they want you to pay attention to them. Find a common interest with them. I know you are an adult. Play board games as a family. Sit them down at a table and really open up to them. Try to be there friend first.
I am very sorry you feel all these missed emotions. It is so hard to be a step parent. Because I am like you, my ss who is 21 looked at his father in the heat of an argument and said your a dick.. I about fell to the ground. My kids would never say that to me, because there is no way I would put up with it.. My hubby says to me all the time you just wait your kids will do the same thing. I mean calling me a bitch behind my back so I cannot hear it I expect but to call me that to my face.. Oh my.. noway. I would not let my kids call him anything to his face either. My SK seem to have no respect for anyone either.. My SS and I are better.. I had to basically go off on him instead of just letting him tell me like he did in the past. I went off back and things seem ok.. Except for I am ready for him to fly on his own.. (MOVE OUT)..
We will all support you on this site.. It is awesome and really people on here give good insight..
to happy
You have given much time and effort to my situation and I really appreciate your feedback. I often feel as though I am pushed together to force a relationship with these girls, and the truth is that I just want to run the other way!! I think that you have much more patience than me...
You raise a very good point, which is that we live in MY house. He would be happy for me to move my family into his house (the girls and their mother moved out) but it is small and not very well located and I am fortunate enough to be financially well off through my family--thus, I own the house where the girls visit. They sleep in my guest room, swim in my pool, play with my boy's games and 'live large' on my tab. I suppose that this really compounds the problems, and fuels my anger with my boyfriend over the whole situation!! In fact, I am currently out of town visiting my mother, and was planning to go home in a few days. I found out today that his girls will be there towards the end of the week, so I decided to keep the boys and myself out of town for a few extra days (this involved changing 3 plane tickets and revising the boys visitation w/my ex). In the end, I am relieved that the change was possible, but so unhappy that I would go to such measures in order to avoid all of us being together under one roof!
Well, this IS called the 'place to vent', right??!!
Anyway, thanks for all. I wish that I was as generous as many of you out there seem to be, but I do feel like the wicked stepmother!
I don't have a solution -
but I do offer you sympathy and to let you know you are not alone. This is my life as well. My SD is 11 and is with us on long weekends, holidays AND THE ENTIRE SUMMER!. I deal with the same thing. The SD is perfect, above, the rules. When she misbehaves or is out of line 99% of the time her father ignores it. He and I have gone round and round becuase when he isn't there, or isn't looking, she does a number on me. Either sticks out her tongue, steps on my feet, she has pushed me, she ignores my requests of her. He thought if we ignored it, it would go away. Well it hasn't in 18 months. I think now that he only wanted to ignore it becuase lord almighty he may actually have to discipline the child. The only thing I know to suggest is to talk, talk, talk to your husband. You have to be completely open and honest about your feelings and what you need. It is not right for us to be the bad cop all the time and/or have to defend ourselves in our own home. Whenever my SD is coming for a visit, I sit down with my husband beforehand and remind him to pay attention, listen to what is going on around him and remember that the rules apply to her also. When she is with us, and she is doing "something" and I don't think his reaction is what it should be, I may tap his leg under the table or soemthing to get his attention. It seems to work to some degree. Anyways - I have PMS this week - so if my responses/replies/posts are a little angry.. that is why. Bear with me!
dear stressed,
I don't think that my guy is really going to take the whole thing seriously until I refuse a marriage proposal based on the stepkid issue.
He has briefly, and in a 'weak' moment, acknowledged that he doesn't really know how to relate to his girls (gender and age issue) and I think that he is really afraid that they are not going to like him if he steps in and gets tough. It is easier to turn the one bad ear in their direction (no joke!) and pretend that everything is ok. He comes from a high-conflict relationship and I know that he has mastered 'tuning out!'
Interestingly (to me, anyway), he allows me to discipline his 'little girls' when they are around, though obnoxiously, he sides with them against my boys whenever there is a he said/she said debate no matter what happened (in one instance, my 3 year old came to me crying because his 10 year old pushed him. The other daughter (age 7) told the story, and the older one tried to deny it. After a grilling from me, she finally came clean. I sent her off with her dad to do some errands (punishment) while the other kids got to go swimming. Later that night after the boys were asleep he took he swimming since 'she had missed out' on the fun earlier in the day...
Which leads me to ask of any and all who will answer:
Is the problem the stepchild, or is it their FATHER?!
(my guess would be that inept parenting leads to obnoxious, bratty and problematic children).
OK, stressed, you may think that you sound angry (you don't, by the way), but I just sound high-horsed!!!
My kids are no picnic, but they are always expected to be respectful and well mannered. They happen to be really cute, so most people just simply like them anyway. I'm no parental guru, but no child of mine is going to whine at me all day or call me a butthead!
thanks paranoid
Submitted by stepmom to be on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 7:04pm.
You are exactly the kind of voice of reason that I had hoped to find out there!!
Great advice-I actually have mentioned to my boyfriend that the visits are 'daddy/daughte'r time, not 'daddy's girlfriend/daddy's daughters' time! That has been a useful tactic, and he gets the message for about an hour. I repeat it again and again.
Perfect Angel syndrome is a very good way to put it, and he is especially biased toward the older one.
I read recently that the word 'parent' should have nothing to do with the role of a father's wife...where exactly does one have such a weighty (and often unwanted) title come from? How can someone who is in my situation find the desire to 'parent' the unfriendly child of a nasty ex?
In my case, I am not actually a stepparent yet (though he hopes to marry me once my divorce is final). Your choice to find a man with older kids so as to avoid all of this frustration speaks right to my heart. I adore him and would go through such heartbreak without him, but my long-term problems are hard to ignore.
Does anyone out there think that it is reasonable to tell a man that I am crazy about him, but would prefer not to spend his visitation time with his children? It sounds radical and unfair, but its really how I feel. They bring NOTHING positive to my experience, and I feel like I am spending my weekend with junior versions of his ex girlfriend when I am with them. Its just torture. Is any great love worth this tension?
Hi Step Mom to Be
I agree with many of the comments and advice that Paranoid offered! I too have been in the situation where Dad is very defensive of his kids and it actually led us to the brink of ending our marriage. I must say that I didn't handle things as well as I could have (hind sight is always 20-20)! However, make no mistake, when kids are involved...young or old, they are always part of your life. When choosing to marry a man with children, the kids and the ex come as part of the package! The key is in learning how to cope effectively with all of this as a couple! Paranoid is right on when she says that it is up to your BF to set the boundaries. Kids may not always follow the rules but they definitely will not if they don't know what the boundaries are! I firmly believe after all that my husband and I have been through with five kids between the two of us and having gone through the teenage years and now having grandkids, the biggest issues are with the adults in the relationship and working together. The little things that bother you now will only intensify as time goes on...be proactive in working together with your BF through these concerns! Good luck...it is possible to be happy in these situations but it takes lots of work, support and patience!
In answer to your question, is any great love worth the tension?! That is question that would be answered differently by most everyone. For me, love isn't just a feeling, it is a choice....a commitment. There is nothing that is worth experiencing continual tension that has no end in site. However, I really don't believe that there has to be continual tension if two people commit to working together to solve problems to THEIR combined satisfaction.
Comfort and appreciation for/with stepchildren takes time to establish. Be patient with yourself. I have been married for 7 years and I am only just beginning to understand the complexities of step parenting. Unfortunately, I still have more questions than answers but I am feeling better as my husband and I communicate more openly, honestly and less defensively. Again, good luck with finding some clarity for yourself!
Thank you for the compliments!!
Hey hopeful, I just read your bio and I was like, wow, this lady knows what she is talking about!! So thank you much for the compliments!
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