Step Talk

Nothing on your list from 1 to 10 is acceptable to me.

Make sure your husband is not confusing laid back with IRRESPONSIBLE.

I have a 16 yr old daughter and her butt would be grounded permanently if she even tried the 1 - 10 items on your list......time to talk with hubby and get him to see that being a parent involves putting rules in place and making his daughter abide by them....being the cool parent does NOT help them learn responsibility for when they become an adult...which is not far off. Good luck to you...may have a hard time with hubby (& SD) since he has allowed things to get this far out of control.

Corie

These are My Personal Opinions,and I'll answer each one with comments. Assuming She's My BioDaughter, Steps can only do and say So Much, without getting Shit We don't Deserve, when Trying To Look Out For "Our" (S)Kids...

If these are The Worst Complaints You have, You have it easy, I'll trade Two or Three like that, for 3 out of 5 of Mine, that are still at Home.

Steve

1) Answering back / being bolshy

All Kids Backtalk, occasionally, takiing it seriously, depends on How much and How Often, and if "bolshy" means Cussing Me Out,etc. I'd Slap The Taste Out Of Her Mouth, in a Heartbeat, after MAYBE ONE WARNING!

2) Staying out all night (at friends houses and parties (we know where she is)

Spending the night with Freinds of The SAME SEX (assuing She's Straight not Bi or Lesbian) occasionally (WITH SUPERVISION and Prior Permission)would be OK with Me.

3) Staying at the boyfriend's house

NO WAY IN HELL, unless I Knew the BF's Parents and Trusted that They Would be Supervising, and Nothing I wouldn't Approve was Happening.

4) Hogging the remote control and constantly flicking channels over

Depends on How Much/Often, if it Interfered with Grownups Watching what They Want, She'd Better find another TV, or Else...

5) Not eating breakfast / lunch

NP, let Her Starve, if She chooses, it won't Hurt Her, I usualy only eat once maybe twice a day, and it's more common than the Traditional Three Squares A Day, for a Lot Of People's Matabolisms.

6) Piercings & ear lobe stretching

Peircing More Than Her Earlobes, I'd Object to, and The Lobe Stretching, I'd snatch out of Her Ears, quick...TDB if It Hurts, Shouldn't have done it in the first place, Same for Eyebrows, Belly Button, etc. until She was 18.

7) Demanding things from her father rather than asking
Not making enough effort to get a Saturday job and she owes her father money

Demanding Things From Me gets ALL MY KIDS (Step and Bio) JACK SQUAT! Ask and You Might Get, Demand and You DO NOT.

9) Leaves homework until last minute (e.g. Sunday night)

I did that too, all through school, and if She puls Good Grades, it's NOT Worth Fighting about, Trust Me.

10) Drinking alcohol at parties, keeps it secret from her father

I drank younger than 16, but I was usually responsible about it, even when I wasn't Supervised. If She isn't getting Stupid with It, I wouldn't worry too much.

On the plus side she
1) Does comply with her housework rota
2) She is not rude to me
3) She's got cool taste in music but never plays it too loudly
4) She knows what she wants to do as a career and is working hard towards it
5) She doesn't binge drink and make herself sick

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

As a teenager, I was a very mature and responsible young woman. So my parents let me have certain priveledges that some kids might not get to do. When I was 16, I did off of your list:

1) Answering back / being bolshy
All kids do that!
2) Staying out all night (at friends houses and parties (we know where she is)
I did this, my parents always knew where I was.
3) Staying at the boyfriend's house
I stayed the night at my boyfriend's house on rare occasions, we went on family vacations together also and my parents always knew where we were and had phone numbers.
4) Hogging the remote control and constantly flicking channels over
No, I didn't watch TV
5) Not eating breakfast / lunch
I didn't eat breakfast, but I always ate lunch at school
6) Piercings & ear lobe stretching
I did both of these!
7) Demanding things from her father rather than asking
No, I would have gotten grounded
Not making enough effort to get a Saturday job and she owes her father money
My parents owed ME money LOL
9) Leaves homework until last minute (e.g. Sunday night)
I did this...sometimes I even did homework before school that morning. I think that as long as it's getting done, that's fine. My parents never had a hand in my homework unless I asked them to.
10) Drinking alcohol at parties, keeps it secret from her father
I'll be honest, I did this too...not so much at 16 but at 17 I did a lot. However, I always knew my boundaries and never binge drank, never got in trouble, and always stayed where I was.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Thanks for your comments, it is appreciated, there seems pretty much a 50/50 split. At this stage it is going to be pretty hard to back track and I have been thinking hard and discussing with her dad and come to these conclusions.
1. She isn't answering me back, only her father, so if he is prepared to put up with it I must stop letting it upset me as it is not upsetting him.
2. It would be unkind to take this away from her now. I have discussed with AussieMan and he has agreed that this will be limited to one night a week to make sure her sleep isnt too disrupted. She has agreed to this.
3. I know her father isn't very happy about this so I think he is going to exercise more control over this one. The fact is they are gonna "do it" whether we approve or not so it is probably best to keep the lines of trust and communication open.
4. Last night AussieDad regained control of the remote during programs we wanted to watch to prevent the flicking between channels.
He is promising to continue this so our programs aren't ruined.
5. I have just been shopping to get more tempting brekkie stuff like croissants, waffles etc so hopefully that'll get her off to a better start in the mornings (fingers crossed)!
6. AussieDad has been really clear on this one and the cartilage piercings have come out and there are to be no more. The stretchers are still there but I guess it is a compromise and at least this has been instigated before she did anything to her pretty face.
7. Next time this happens and AussieDad gives in to money with menaces (as I call it) he will get the cold shoulder from me. He will only probably do this the once. He is the one that has caused this behaviour so he should be the one getting punished.
8. I will try and help her as much as I can look for another job
9. If her dad is happy with her marks then leave alone
10. I am going to keep quiet on this one unless she starts to binge.

I hope her father can keep his side of the deal, I will be very upset if what has been agreed gets flouted as this will be his fault for being lax. Especially since (apparently) she has agreed with the rules and not caused a stink.