I love my partner like crazy but can't help feeling in limbo with our living arrangements. We have his 16 year old daughter living with us and I am only 29 myself. I was hoping that I could fit in as some kind of older sister to her but that doesn't seem to be happening (I have been here 3 months now). She doesn't really talk much and I would say she doesn't know how to mix with adults at all. Amongst her peers she seems happy and confident. What can I do to help us both relax?
Secondly I am finding it really hard to cope with my jealousy for her. I was brought up by an manipulative and bullying stepmother who I lived in fear of. I feel like it is in my face everyday all these things SD can do / get away with which I was never allowed / would've been hit for. How can I handle this bitterness / jealousy?
I would really appreciate your advice...
Girls Day
I will have to say that doing something most teens love would help. How about a girls day? Shopping, pedicures and lunch. Or, you guys can catch a chick flick together, that way if conversation is a problem, the movie will distract you from that, then you can discuss the movie over lunch or dinner. My SD10 is always begging for a girls day, and I try to oblige her when finances and time allows. We also do crafts. We decorated her room together. Went online for the perfect comforter, picked out knick knacks at stores. We went to Wal-Mart for paint and canvas and she made her own painting for her room. She loves it, and we can do it companionably together without too much talk sometimes b/c we're concentrating.
Direct the anger
Towards the responsible party... your bullying stepmother. I had a bullying stepfather when I was little & I lost a few years of my early childhood because of this fool. I had a right to not be afraid in my own home. I had a right to have friends at school. I had a right to have people over to spend the night. At 6 I figured out what he was doing was wrong & that adults lied & let you down. It was my right as a 6 year old to have faith in people, but he stole that from me too. I don't want to be anything like that rat bastard.
Take a look at your SD. She is a kid & she has rights to enjoy her life at 16, just as you did. It's not her fault it was stolen away from you, it's your stepmother's. It's time you're going to have to deal with that. It sucks & people tell you to never look back, but sometimes the past jumps up & bites you on the ass if you don't deal with it.
Now I'm not saying you're a bad person. You're not. I'm saying you're a person who had something bad happen to you & it looks like you have to hold the proper people accountable if you want to move on to something healthy. Counseling is a good idea. And give yourself the things you have a right to now. You deserve that.
I'm sorry those things happened to you.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
Thanks
Hi Cajun Lady,
Thank you so much for your advice, I am sorry you had to go through a similar situation too. I did try the counselling route but I think I expected too much from it, such as answers and an instant fix.
I am going to try much harder to not let it affect my relationship with SD16.
Take care x
I have a similar situation
I have a similar situation with being 30 living with an 18 year old SD- and I often feel bitter toward her for the same reasons.
I had a stepdad who I had to listen to, and I had to listen to my mom as well, and I get to watch SD get away with murder every day and have her dad still fawn all over her.
I try to remind myself that even though she has a relationship that I will never have with him, I also have a relationship that she will never have with him, and am close to him in ways that she never will be. It doesn't help much, especially in my situation, because my H is unfair. But maybe that would help you a little.
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