supermom123's picture

Does anyone look at the chlid's perspective?

I'm a stepmother of 2 girls and also a bio-mom of my two sons. I have many years of experience doing this (21+). Let's try to think from the child's perspective for a sec. The stepkid doesn't even get to lay her head down on the same pillow each night. She's not sure which house she left her stuffed animal at. Even the smells are different between the two homes. If you think about it, when we as adults divorce with children, we are asking the kids to do something that we as adults would NEVER want to do ourselves -- that is, sleep at a different house every other week (or weekend, whatever the visitation is). Oh, and by the way kids, make sure you behave perfectly no matter what is happening around you! Sure, the rules are different between the two houses, but you better try to keep up, kiddo! Don't get confused, because if you forget which rules apply to which house, that new stepmother/stepfather is gonna get mad! And yes, I'm sorry the step-parent doesn't want you around. Sure, you aren't stupid, so you notice they don't like having you around, but if you "act out" about this fact, you'll get in trouble. Don't you dare act like a child -- you have to have perfect manners at all times, especially when you are with your step-parent because by the way, they don't love you unconditionally (not your fault, but you better put up with this fact). Oh, and also, remember that your real Dad or Mom might be remarried, and so you better get along with the spouse that they chose for themselves (not that you were given a choice in this). Hey parents & step-parents out there ... Can we possibly cut the kids just a little bit of slack? I'm not trying to anger anyone out there... But I've given this a LOT of thought, from the child's perspective. I've had 21 years to think about what we are doing to the children.


StickAFork's picture

I've been a SM for more than

I've been a SM for more than 20 years, too. The only time I've had any success in that role was when I DID look at it from the child's perspective. Looking at it from mine (and mine alone) only created drama and heartache in my household.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

stepmonster_2011's picture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh2sWSVRrmo

That is what I hear in your post.

Of course we think about things from the child's perspective. But here's a little secret - kids are resilient - they can EASILY adapt to the concept of 2 houses might have 2 different sets of rules. They KNOW that what happens at Grandma's isn't allowed at home! For example.

I take issue with your post. This is a vent site - we come here when we are at our wit's end - because we know these folks here will understand. If you can't provide even a small amount of empathy for most of us - then you certainly don't have to stay.

supermom123's picture

Wow.

Wow.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

stepmonster_2011's picture

What? Do you think by

What? Do you think by looking at life thru my SS's eyes I'll understand more why he STEALS, LIES, FIGHTS, SMOKES, DRINKS, SNOOPS thru my stuff and my DAUGHTERS' stuff?

Sorry lady - no matter how many times I've tried to be compassionate and super duper understanding - we get shit on by him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Lucky you that your Step daughters didn't cause you so much grief that you have to put in security cameras in your house! Just because YOU won the StepMom Lottery - sure as hell doesn't mean the rest of us did.

Now please kindly step off your soap box.

supermom123's picture

Wow.

Wow.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

the other side of the story's picture

Hey. Kids dont have just 2

Hey. Kids dont have just 2 beds or 2house with 2 different rules. They also have 2 different lives. The two adults being the parents have most likely 2 different life styles and activites that they enjoy. So the kid also has to figure out who the hell they are. They didnt have a choice in this matter and they may not have a clue who they are supposed to be let alone have either 2 moms or 2 dads. Or both. So if you cant think about how the kids feel or about how hard the kid is then you should have thought about marring a guy with kids. Becuse im a kid.16 in fact and ive had a step mom since i was 8 so and i still dont have a damn clue who i am or how im supposed to be a kid and a sthe same time im basically asked to be an adult at the same time. So i know that i have cried so many nights with no clue what to do.so stop complainimg about your kids who are yours now cuz you married their dad and they didnt have say in it.and grandmas is different then having mom and dad live in 2 house and dad sleeping and living with another women. So think bout how your thinking your asking the kid to be an adult. Before you say how easy it is for the kid.

Dont forget to take in what the otherside feels

StickAFork's picture

While I agree with you that

While I agree with you that looking at BOTH sides is beneficial, you will not find sympathy, or even open ears, on this site.
It is true that soem stepparents are awful, evil creatures. They HATE the fact that their spouse/SO has child(ren) from before.
It is also true that some stepkids are pretty damn awful, too. Sometimes they will do whatever it takes to estrange the stepparent, even if that means lying to authorities about abuse!
No side is "righter" than any other. Both sides can have a point.
Given how you communicate in writing, I would REALLY encourage you to focus on your education and the future you want to build for yourself instead of putting that energy in the "step" dynamic.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

supermom123's picture

Hi "The Other Side" -- Sorry

Hi "The Other Side" -- Sorry about the reply you got. I liked what you said. I've learned though that this site is only for the step-parents to vent. I made the same mistake that you made in thinking that another perspective might be welcome here. I am a stepmom and I think my 2 stepdaughters often felt the way you do -- they felt like they weren't sure how to act at whichever house they were at. I'm sad now that sometimes I wasn't as patient with them as I should have been -- I'm also sad that they attacked me so many times when I was the one sane voice in their crazy lives. Now that they are in college, they are beginning to tell me that they're sorry for how they treated me and that they know I wasn't the problem. They are finally beginning to see that they were really mad at their bio-parents for creating this life for them, and that they were just take it out on me. It's SO much easier to hate the step-parent instead of disliking your very own mother or father. You're 16 but you sound like you will be okay. Hang in there, please. Soon you will be out of the house and off at college, I hope! Make big goals for yourself and if money is a problem, then go out and make some money of your own. It will be a lot more fun & rewarding than crying in your room. I'm sure my step-daughters cried a lot on their pillows as well, and this makes me sad. I cried too. It's hard on both sides. But I agree with you -- we're the ADULTS, and you kiddos are probably just trying to figure it all out. I was so lucky, my parents are still together, and I'm sorry that yours aren't.

For that other step-parent who replied to tell you to focus on your education instead of these issues that you are experiencing -- well, I would tell her to do the same thing! Focus on yourself, too, and then let me know how easy it was for you to ignore what was going on around you!

I already know about ALL the replies I will get, so don't waste your time. I was just trying to relate to "The Other Side" since he or she is only 16! So please, go to someone else's comments and skip mine. This wasn't intended for anyone except the teenager who wrote in trying to find some understanding. Try to remember how you felt when you were 16.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

c-mom's picture

You sound like a pretty

You sound like a pretty mature kid. Have you thought about asking your parents (all of them) to sit down together and let you talk to them about all of this? It is scary, but it is worth it. We (parents) are supposed to know it all and even though we do know A LOT more about life than you, we don't know it all honey. And our emotions cloud our good judgement at times just like every other human on this planet. If you have parents and step parents who care about you, they will do this for you. Think about an adult who would be willing to sit in on this meeting with your parents. One who will be completely unbiased (your school counselor is the best option) and go to them. Tell them that you want to have a family meeting with all of your parents to discuss what is making life hard on you. Ask to talk to them first, and then after they listen and understand, that you eventually want to include your parents. Be ready to listen as much as you talk and be ready to accept everything that is said without getting angry. COMMUNICATE! It seems difficult, but it really is not. Once you begin, you will find that it will roll out like a freight train. You will wish someday that you had just gained the courage to do so. Because if your parents care about you, which I bet they do, they will want to hear your feelings and emotions that you hide. If you need an adult to talk to, message me. You could probably provide me the insight from a stepchild's perspective and I could provide you insight from a step-parent's perspective. It is much easier to hear from a friend that is not emotionally tied up. And that is every parent's dream. A child who is willing to communicate with them instead of holding it all in and acting out because of the torment that we don't even realize they are going through.

Two rules about this communicating thing:

Do not say anything hurtful to get back at them... no matter how bad you are hurting. You will not feel better and your parents won't take what you say into account because they will see this as acting out.

Example: When I was 16 my mom was talking to yet another internet boyfriend SHE didn't even know let alone did I. She started bragging about what size bra I wore (which I was already so embarrassed and ashamed about because of abuse that I had endured which she did not know about) to him. It infuriated me and I called her a bitch. I was justified in being mad knowing what I knew and she was wrong in talking to him about this, however, all my snotty comment got me was even more emotional neglect from my mother because at that point she saw me as an ungrateful brat. I should have calmly told her that she had no right to be discussing something so personal with someone she didn't know and that it hurt my feelings. I know, now that I am an adult, that I would have probably received a much better response that way.

Tell yourself you are doing this to solve problems, not cause them, and make sure you keep that mindset or you will make a mountain out of an ant hill.

c-mom stands for convenience mom... you know, like a convenience store is a c-store. Because I have to be open for business 24/7, 365 while their "real mom" gets to pick and choose when she is a mom and I get treated like scum for my service to others.

the other side of the story's picture

Hey hun. How are the kids

Hey hun. How are the kids supposed to be given a chance if they are given slack?

Dont forget to take in what the otherside feels

supermom123's picture

Actually I AM a full-time SM,

Actually I AM a full-time SM, my two SD's lived with me for 8 years full-time before they left for college. I've been there. They thought they hated me, too, but now they appreciate the time I spent with them trying to help them. Believe me, I've walked a mile in all of your shoes, and I've been through things that you can't imagine being a step-mom. But like the first person "StickaFork" said, it just creates drama and heartache when the adult doesn't think about what the child is going through. I disagree -- they are not as resilient as we think they are! You can't compare going to SM's house to going to Grandma's house -- Grandma loves the child! SM doesn't ... Look, I'm okay with venting, I do it too. I'm sorry if I sounded non-empathetic, I was just adding some thoughts that seemed necessary. This was my first day on this site, and I think I'll get off this site and never come back. This feels too angry.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

No confusion. I have several

No confusion. I have several degrees.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

I do have common sense. And

I do have common sense. And common sense tells me that if the adults can't figure all this out -- then how the heck can we expect the CHILDREN to figure it all out?

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

YES! I told myself this for

YES! I told myself this for many years "They have 2 parents, and I don't need to be the 3rd parent" -- it's very difficult though. But you are so right. I wonder why the bio-parents don't get it?

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

Yes! Dog Person, we agree!!

Yes! Dog Person, we agree!! You hit the nail on the head. The bio-parents are trying to win the popularity contest. It's just sad that the steps have to suffer. And then in the long run, the kids suffer. They really do. If they're hiding things in a "hidey place" (like one of the writers here said) ... then maybe that child feels violated too? Maybe that child needs a hidey place! That's all I was trying to say. But you are right dog-person, I agree with you.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

Sorry, I stand corrected.

Sorry, I stand corrected. You're right. I'll try to read some of your blogs. I've apologized to everyone if I offended anyone!

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

thanks.

thanks.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

giveitago's picture

I respect educated people

I respect educated people greatly, I respect educated people with common sense even more so. What I find really hard to swallow is that I believe a lot of us have recalled our own teenage anxt, looked at things from every angle and still have psychotic SKids. It's a bit much to ask anyone, except maybe another sociopath, to empathize with SD now 18. SD 18 has been in the juvenile justice system since age 13, right up until past 18; she was doing a two year sentence for felony assault on the infirm, assault on a police officer and resisting arrest.
SD is now an erotic dancer, doing drugs and hanging with dealers and pimps.
We, by we I mean the entire local justice system and DH and I, have explored every avenue there is to put SD back on track.
Please, do not suggest empathy with SKids again where I can read it.

I forgive but I am damned if I'll forget!

supermom123's picture

Sounds awful. Sorry. I

Sounds awful. Sorry. I stand corrected.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

prozac_nation's picture

It's a venting site lol. Of

It's a venting site lol. Of course we are angry! Smiling

Your post just came off pretty judgmental. Of course it's hard on the children. No one likes for their mother and father to be apart, or to have two separate homes. But it HAPPENS. Just as falling in love with someone with kids sometimes just happens. You have to learn to deal with it somehow. Stepmoms/Stepdads come here when they are on their last straw. So yes, the things some post do come off as hateful, but do you think they really say any of those things to the stepkids face? I sure doubt it/hope not. I know I don't and never would. Most of us have tried everything for these children only to be spat by on them and their BM in return. We love our SOs/DHs so we seek helpful advice and a place to vent. Hence, this great site. BMs/Skids get their site too, namely, FACEBOOK. LOL

supermom123's picture

You're right. I just didn't

You're right. I just didn't realize. I'm sorry. I'm really NOT a bad person. This is weird for me. I'm not used to making people angry (unless they're my step-daughters! haha).... Sorry guys. I didn't mean to be judgemental. I was just THINKING THINGS THROUGH in a different way!!! That's all.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

prozac_nation's picture

I understand. It's very easy

I understand. It's very easy for words to be misconstrued on the internet considering that we don't see/hear things such as facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. You just have to watch how you word things on the internet I guess. [I'm also not used to making people angry. Just BM lol] I can see that you were just trying to give us a new perspective on things, it's just that most of us have already put things in that perspective and were nothing short of kicked in the face anyway. If you stick around for awhile you will see that there really are a lot of caring, nice people on this site. Just no one likes to feel like they are being 'bashed'. Not you, not us.

supermom123's picture

Well NOW I'm wondering if

Well NOW I'm wondering if it's smart for me to feel "lulled" into thinking the bad stuff is behind me simply because my two SD's have moved out and are off at college now. They lived here full-time (not visits) and it was hell. I have been so happy for the past 2-3 years since they left home. But now I'm getting nervous again after reading some of this stuff.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

Ruthless's picture

I can see this is an old post

I can see this is an old post but I agree whole-heartedly with this comment. I can't discuss things with my DH anymore as it always ends up in a fight which i hate. So when he asks I just say I have nothing to say on the matter. Now I have a place to vent my feelings without being judged (i think).
The Facebook comment above really hit home. The things the BM says about me on FB are incredibly hurtful. I can't see them but SS16 shows them to my DH. I'm sure he does it purposely to upset me.

Counting down the days until he turns 18!

the other side of the story's picture

Thank you. the kids

Thank you.
the kids

Dont forget to take in what the otherside feels

c-mom's picture

Supermom, just because we are

Supermom, just because we are angry about our step-kids and their parents making life hell for us, and writing about it on an online support group, does NOT mean we don't love our step-kids. If you don't love yours, I'm sorry. If I didn't love mine, I wouldn't have stepped into their crackhead mom's shoes when she took them off and ran away. I love my step kids. I don't like them a lot of the time because they are so damn awful to me in return for me doing for them what their mother refuses to do. But that does not mean that I do not love them. Just because I refuse to add "Be theirs and their parents' emotional punching bag" to my never-ending list of responsibilities that they expect from me,does not mean that I don't love them. It just means that I am not willing to take abuse with the hardships that I willingly accept. So why do you keep putting "SM doesn't love the child?" Who are you really talking about while you are bashing ALL SM's?

c-mom stands for convenience mom... you know, like a convenience store is a c-store. Because I have to be open for business 24/7, 365 while their "real mom" gets to pick and choose when she is a mom and I get treated like scum for my service to others.

c-mom's picture

Oh and by the way, I

Oh and by the way, I completely agree with you that we need to take the children's perspective into account, however sometimes the childrens' perspective is, I don't like you because you aren't my parent and thus, I'm going to do everything possible to make you as miserable as I am. And that is when we turn to this website for advice on how to teach them it is not okay to be that way and also to just get some crap off our chests.

c-mom stands for convenience mom... you know, like a convenience store is a c-store. Because I have to be open for business 24/7, 365 while their "real mom" gets to pick and choose when she is a mom and I get treated like scum for my service to others.

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

I happen to agree with you

I happen to agree with you Supermom123. I can't imagine having stepparents and different houses, especially as a kid! I would have been loyal to my MOM and my DAD until the ends of the earth. If a stepparent had been smarter, richer, stronger, better somehow than my bio parent I would NEVER have admitted it. I think the step parenting and stepfamily situation is completely unnatural.

I am a stepmother. I am a biomother.

I have a BS who is a fully functioning 29 year old professional with a degree and a healthy, positive attitude towards life. He's fun, he's funny and he is a joy to me. Like some of the other posters above I know my worth as a parent.

I've proved it.

My SD is a 14 year old underachieving, 'goth', overweight, depressive who is in her third year of therapy and who has now almost completely quit school.

I didn't raise her. Other than tutoring her in science and getting advice from my sis who is a high level curriculum development specialist - I have not participated in her schooling.

Why? Because her bio parents are both hands-off, lazy parents.

This kid is headed straight down the path to BIG trouble. She is halfway there already.

I can't do anything about it. I don't even try to help anymore. My help isn't WANTED. Like most steps, I do my best but mother nature works against us all.

Having said that I appreciate her life is not easy. Just as Supermom123 said - she has to go between houses and parents. There is no one place for her to be where she is ALWAYS taken care of.

I think stepfamilies suck. Not because we want to suck but because parents and children do what nature intended us to do - PROTECT each other and maintain the bloodlines.

It really down come down to that basic fact.

supermom123's picture

thank you. at least you

thank you. at least you didn't tell me to dodge the door that might hit my ass on my way out of this vent site! good grief.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

giveitago's picture

We have a fully fledged

We have a fully fledged sociopath here! It's been absolute hell so I sympathize with you.

I forgive but I am damned if I'll forget!

twopines's picture

I've been a stepdaughter for

I've been a stepdaughter for over 23 years. I don't care about SD's feefees if she doesn't like the bedroom she slept in with "only" a single bed and no DVD player.

Really, I don't.

“The witch in Hansel and Gretel -- she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.” Miranda - Sex and the City

StickAFork's picture

If I recall correctly.

If I recall correctly. twopines' SD was upset about the "twin bed and no DVD player" thing because twopines made sure HER kids had those things and her SD DID NOT have those things.

The whole picture tends to change things, no? It sounds like the SD is just a mean, spoiled brat, but with all the info...it sounds more like she was hurt and jealous that the biokids were given more than she was.
Which, I believe, is at least A LITTLE understandable.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

supermom123's picture

"Like most steps, I do my

"Like most steps, I do my best but mother nature works against us all." That's a really good point, "Great Mom" ... wow, I've really pissed some people off. I didn't mean to. I did my best, but yes, my s-d's beat me up at every turn. No they aren't sociopaths. I didn't win the step-mom lottery by any means, but I guess I'm lucky they aren't goth and aren't sociopaths. Sorry if I offended you guys. Believe me, I'm on your side. I've been there. I just know that the VENTING might feel good in the moment, but it festers the more you let it simmer.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

ownedbypedro's picture

So...what's the deal? You've

So...what's the deal? You've been sent here by God to save us all from our simmering, festering selves? OMG...do you REALIZE that this place is the ONLY outlet for most of us where we can express the FRUSTRATION that we deal with every day so it doesn't boil over onto "innocent" (we'll adress that word later) children???

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

ownedbypedro's picture

yeah dtzy, like Clinton.

yeah dtzy, like Clinton.

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

supermom123's picture

God didn't send me. I was

God didn't send me. I was just a frustrated step-parent looking around to see if there is anyone out there who realizes that venting is not helping. It hasn't helped me. It made me even more angry. Sorry that I pissed you off even more. Let it go, please. It's kind of silly to bash me. I never bashed ANYone on this site, and I didn't yell at people for having a different opinion than myself. I just asked one simple question about the kid's perspective. So sue me. Wow.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

ownedbypedro's picture

Same thing. I recognize one

Same thing. I recognize one of those "looking for a soul to save" types when I read one.

Venting IS helping. Nobody can keep all the step family drama locked inside themselves and not explode. Your attitude is very snooty and holier than thou.

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

supermom123's picture

I promise I'm not snooty or

I promise I'm not snooty or holier than thou. This was my first time on the site. Yep, I regret what I wrote. Yep, I'm laughing at myself a bit for the "lecturey" tone.

I vent to my own wise mother all the time. She is the only one who ever has understood my point of view regarding SD's. So I guess you're right, venting does help in the moment. But looking back over the 14 years I spent venting to my mother's listening ears, it feels like a lot of wasting energy & emotion. For ME. Only talking about myself.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

bi's picture

speak for yourself. venting

speak for yourself. venting helps me tremendously.i see it as purging the poison from my emotions. i always feel better afterward. holding it in is what doesn't help.

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

supermom123's picture

Got it. And I was in the

Got it. And I was in the same situation -- treated poorly and not defended by anyone. I really truly have been there, still am! I'm just trying to think it through differently. Boy I've really pissed you guys off! I didn't mean to. I keep trying to explain my perspective. Interesting that everyone else can say something mean, but when I just say one little thing about the "children" I'm attacked.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

I might stick around. I've

I might stick around. I've been through ALL the same stuff. I honestly was just wondering out loud, that's all. Boy, that's what I get for having an opinion, I guess. I'll just "vent" from now on and not lecture.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

cant win for losin's picture

Some of your generalized (or

Some of your generalized (or irrational words as my therapist calls 'em) is also what is a little grating. You haven't been through ALL the same stuff. None of us have. You may have been through similar things. and you haven't walked a mile in all of our shoes.

I'm not gettin on you, but just sayin. A post like yours at the start, and then try to quickly bring up the rear with a I've been through all the same stuff, I've walked in your shoes....isn't gonna get you far.

prozac_nation's picture

^^THIS "I, for example, love

^^THIS

"I, for example, love my step kids. Things aren't perfect, and I come here to hear stories and advice, especially concerning dealing with BM." <----exactly why I come here.

ownedbypedro's picture

dtzy, I don't hate my ss

dtzy, I don't hate my ss either - I HATE what he IS and what he became because of his mother and his father and their almost total lack of decent parenting. I HATE that he is 38 years old and thinks his daddy owes him a living because he divorced his whoring mother when the kid was THREE years old. I HATE that my skids have been through three step mothers and are going to have a fourth one.

Would I throw my skids a rope if they were drowning? YES. Would I pull my skids from a burning building (if I could move skid #2's fat ass)? YES. Would I give one of my skids a kidney? YES. Do I love them? NO. Do I FORGIVE skid #2 for the mean, awful things he did to me and my children? NOT YET.

Did I do my very best to give them a home with security, structure, a sense of family, etc.? Yes m'am I did - but you can't fight city hall (bm and dh). Sad

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

ownedbypedro's picture

Make mine a double! Cheers!

Make mine a double! Cheers!

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

overitall's picture

No one steps into this role

No one steps into this role thinking they are going to be the worse step-parent and reak havoc. Everything ss and DH (BF at the time) evrything they asked in the beginning. I didn't say anything when the laughed at me and treated me horribly. I thought it's only EOW, I can handle this. Too bad I needed to be a bitch to have them stop treating me so bad. No - I really don't care about his perspective. They had everything but were never satisfied. Now I am 100% disengaged!
They caused this situation, not me!

supermom123's picture

that's what I had to do, too

that's what I had to do, too .... "disengage" ... it actually helped when the SD's realized they weren't "getting to me" as much as they used to. I came into this marriage naive and innocent and blind, thinking I could help my husband's two girls. I lost a piece of myself in the process for sure. I only asked about the child's perspective because I thought maybe I wasn't being fair to them? I don't know...

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Well for the balance , this

Well for the balance , this is one of the only places where finally someone looks at the feelings that stepparents have.Sorry if this is bothering you.To answer your question- the society, history, most other help sites and many books only focus on the children and expect stepparents to suck it up.There are always two sides of the medal.Whilst you are only looking at the poor victimized suffering children who struggle to adjust and feels rejected or confused many here are exposed to kids or teens who clearly learned to turn the situation of having divorced to their advantage .With the help of Disney- or guilty parents those little 'victims" are slowly allowed to turn into little manipulating monsters who think they rule the world.
I personally want the best for my SD and would be concerned if she would suffer in any way, but I can tell you this right now- she knows how to work both of her parents big time in her favour, no exaggeration here. lol!! Me and her get along quite well , but only because SO puts US first instead of letting her running the show.And hey...whenever the whingy princess stops being allowed to behave like a whingy princess so much...there is a cute and funny little girl revealed !
So people who come here to vent and sometimes complain are mostly having true reasons and mainly suffer frustration since they don't get the necessary support from their partners.I don't think you have read the stories here properly.

I am back -with new and different problems, grrr

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I am a social worker, and I

I am a social worker, and I have spent many years working with kids. My parents are divorced, and I have a stepmom. She has not always been the nicest woman, but I have always respected her and have always been nice to her. My dad loves her, and I want him happy. I have seen step families work, and I would say ours is pretty good for the most part. I have also seen horror stories on here, and in my family and friends' lives. I always look at each situation individually.

I have been called a whore and a bitch by my DH's adult kids. Their mother has tried to get him back, and the hate they spew is constant. I am dealing with it because of my training, my personality, and my love for DH. However, if they were younger it would NOT work. I am sure of that.

I have looked at it from their perspectives. They have no reason other than their desire to control their father. In our case, they all abused him for years, and they cannot stand seeing him happy. I have security cameras on my house, they cannot visit, and I want nothing to do with them. I tried to be nice, and it went nowhere fast.

Now, on the other side of the coin-I have an aunt; she is practically raising her 3 young grandkids (ages 2, 5, 7). Their parents both have great jobs-their dad, my aunt's son, and my cousin, makes six figures. His ex does well, too, but she is mentally ill. Their jobs are very prominent in a way, and they are well-liked. People have no clue... My cousin is literally watching my aunt spend her savings (almost gone) on these kids. The kids are spoiled so rotten it is disgusting. They have no boundaries, no discipline. My aunt "feels bad for them" and is in competition with their mom to be the "best." My cousin is an ass, and his kids are definitely not priority, but his women are. His children are in for a LONG road, and I can imagine that anyone who gets seriously involved with my cousin or his ex is going to run or be completely frustrated. My heart breaks for these kids, and I always, always think how they feel. They go from one house to another, and have to watch their parents "dating" multiple people. My aunt is absolutely obsessed with them, and if they do something bad, she does not correct it.

If you met these kids, you would think they were complete brats; even the little one hits and screams. The fault is solely on my aunt and my cousin and the BM. So, I see that end of it, these poor kids make me so sad.

The bottom line with "both sides" is that this is so sensitive, and for so many of us, so unexpected. I do not think people meant to attack you, but they NEED to come here and vent. Some of these skids are horrible, and I can so see the future stepparents of my cousin's kids on here one day. So many women/men on here have been through hell with the skids, and they have gone to great lengths to love and care for these children. It is devastating. I think everyone tries to look at the kids' perspectives, but you reach a point where it goes from that to being simply disgusted and defeated by the skids' behaviors.

Like I said, I totally understand where you are coming from, but it is too late for many on here to see the perspectives. It simply HURTS.

ownedbypedro's picture

Thank you for stating this so

Thank you for stating this so well on everyone's behalf. You nailed it and I apreciate it.

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

supermom123's picture

VERY WELL SAID. Thank you.

VERY WELL SAID. Thank you.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

I agree. I've told EVERYONE

I agree. I've told EVERYONE I meet who is single "Don't date someone with kids, no matter how cute the kids look when you first meet them. They'll turn on you." The only reason I wrote my comment was because in my own personal quest to TRY to find some sort of understanding as to why I've been called a bitch, and as to why my step-daughters often told their father that I was toxic, I was just trying to see it from their side for a moment. Obviously the wrong blog to do this in! lol.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

saffron5567's picture

When I show SD compassion,

When I show SD compassion, she spits in my face. When I express understanding for her horrible plight (read: sarcasm), my husband takes a mile from me and gives it to her.

I do consider her position: a 26-year-old woman living in a major city in a $1800 a month loft, who has no bills because her degrees were all paid for by daddy, who has a car because it was paid for by daddy. (I drive a 1997 Honda that I bought myself, used of course. I am 45 years old and just paid off my undergraduate degree school loans. I live in a dump in an unsafe neighborhood in a bankrupt city.) She is an only child, so she never competed with siblings for her parents' attention, money or affection. No, instead, they fought over her, both wanting her approval and presence, both trying to meet and exceed her needs and wants. (My mother frequently reminds me that my father didn't want me - he thought my older siblings were enough kids.) When I came into my husband's life, SD couldn't have asked for a better stepmom: I have no kids of my own and never will. I didn't even move in with her father until three years AFTER we were married. I even told him in the beginning not to hold hands or sit too close to me when SD was around so she wouldn't feel I was "claiming" him or changing her relationship with him too much. I stepped lightly because I DID put myself in the place of this poor child of divorce. What a joke! She turned out to be a viper who was ready to do battle when I was naively out buying her presents and trying to put her at ease around me.

What an utter fool I was worrying about how I could make her not feel pushed out by our marriage. She has nearly destroyed my marriage and continues to do so four years in. She knows exactly what she's doing, so all that skipping from house to house when she was a kid didn't hurt her brain any.

And I'll say this AGAIN: kids of divorce are not special. There are more kids of divorce than not anymore. You make it sound as if they are starving or fighting horrible disease in a war-torn country, when in fact, they tend to get more than kids whose parents aren't divorced. They ain't special, but the world has given them license to behave badly because, oh boo-hoo, mommy and daddy split up!

So sick of being told I should see if from SD's perspective. At 26, someone should be telling that little bitch to see it from my perspective. It was my first marriage. I thought I would be special in my husband's life, come first in his life. I'm lucky to rank third when she's in the room. It has been a disappointment and a mistake. I wish I were single...or that my parents had been divorced.

supermom123's picture

YOU are the first reply that

YOU are the first reply that has really spoken to me and made some true sense. You stated that very well and thanks to YOU, I am rethinking my post. God, can I remove it? What you said speaks directly to me -- I too, tried to do many of the things you mention. It wasn't my first marriage, and I have a son of my own, but I relate to all you say in regards to the SD's getting spoiled by their Dad. There is one difference in my life, and I guess that's why I don't have a leg to stand on here... Yes, I was mistreated and abused by my SD's. Yes, I cried many nights wondering why I couldn't "fix" the problems in my home. BUT... my husband does put me first. He makes mistakes with the girls, and coddles them too much ... BUT he has always made sure I came first. And when they called me toxic to his face, he put them in their place & corrected them. I've been married 14 years and it's been so much better than the first marriage. But I'm in a small minority, I think.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

saffron5567's picture

Thanks, Supermom! I did sort

Thanks, Supermom! I did sort of go off there. But so many of my friends tell me to see it from her perspective and I can't understand why no one sees it from mine. Even friends who say they were awful to their own stepmothers and later regretted it tell me I should cut her a break because "she IS his daughter."

No need to regret your post. You got a lot of us talking and that's always a good thing. And I also have days when I feel sympathetic toward my SD and feel I've been too hard on the situation. I end up getting kicked when I give a little, so that's made me a bit of a hard ass where she's concerned.

Anyway, don't stop thinking positive thoughts. And don't stop trying to see it from her perspective. You might just find a nugget there that all of us can learn from.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well my SD was 20 when I

Well my SD was 20 when I first met her. She came to my home boyfriend in tow. I offered them refreshments. I was polite and more importantly I made myself scarce during that and subsequent visits so she could if need be ask her father to phone or meet her somewhere if she wanted to talk to him privately.

I kept that up for almost two years I understood she may very easily and understandably feel awkward in my home.

For DHs 60th birthday some 4 years later I had it at a restaurant because my children who SD never wanted to meet were invited and again for her sake I felt a neutral and public place may be better. She refused to come.

6 years into it she would speak to me if she needed to pick my brains through her father. For example dad do you have a blender I can borrow or dad why are my dark clothes fading in the washing machine. He would ask me and when I answered even though I would look at her she would avoid eye contact.

She had during all this time thousands of passive aggressive remarks on occasion she would fire up into a rage over something trivial such as if Dh and I were speaking she would cut in over the top usually DH would stop talking to me and answer her but on the rare occasion he failed to do this it was on.

8 years into it and she has a baby which DH cannot see unless he leaves me. That baby is now 14 mths old.

Sometimes when dealing with adult SKs it really is the SKs fault. Yet even though the SM has treated them with respect she can never win. Somehow if in this day and age it seems SMs can do no right and SKs can do no wrong. Because they are from a broken home they get a free pass and are treated as victims. Whilst any woman coming into their fathers life is evil.

I think we need to remember Cinderella was a fairy tale.

supermom123's picture

I regret making my post,

I regret making my post, believe me. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. My SD's are in college ... now I'm getting nervous about what is in store for me. It was awful for many years -- they lived with us full-time (not visitation! I said FULL-time) for 7-8 years. But now they're in college, and they finally seem to be turning a corner and seeing that things were not MY fault. They haven't said it out right, but their actions are so much better & kinder. Maybe I shouldn't get too excited about thinking things are getting better, though. Now I'm nervous again.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

supermom123's picture

yep that was probably me!

yep that was probably me! lol. i don't even know how i found this blog last night. weird. probably should have read longer & further before commenting. Smiling

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

StepAside's picture

I know exactly what it is

I know exactly what it is like to be a stepchild. I am one. My parents fought like cats and dogs until they finally split when I was 12. I went through hell with having step parents, feeling replaced by stepsiblings, and feeling like I went from being the apple of my parent's eyes to being an afterthought.

That being said, I have never been divorced. While there have been times that I have been tempted to walk, I have been encouraged to stay just so my kids do not have to go through that hell.

I think 99% of a stepchild's problem are a result of insufficient parenting, their parent's lack of interest to parent, selfish parents, and bad decisions by the parents.

I think 99% of the blame from stepchildren is aimed at the stepparents.

Hence, the parents suck and we get the blame for it.

Coincidentally, children who aren't parented very well typically have behavioral issues. So treating resented stepparents like the gum on the bottom of their high-end sneakers is standard protocol. Act how you feel, is the message they learn. Everybody jumps when they do it. Both parents are so consumed with assuaging their own guilt, that they throw money at their children. The louder the tantrum, the more money they will give. All it takes it one threat to never speak to a parent again, and they will do whatever their child wants, even stand back and watch at their spouse gets thrown into a vat of boiling acid.

So you don't have to ask me to think about how my SD's feel. I have a pretty damned good idea. The difference is, by nature, I do not believe in intentionally disrespecting anyone, planning to attack them, consistently showing them my hatred or bonding with other family members to make sure they feel my presence.

That decision is up to the individual. Given today's current entitled generation, the temptation to be entitled brats is far too common.

Lots of folks have less than stellar childhoods. It doesn't mean everyone uses that as an excuse to be an asshole whenever they don't get what they want.

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

supermom123's picture

You're right, Stepaside.

You're right, Stepaside. I've changed my opinion from that first comment I wrote. Actually, I always felt exactly like all these people on the blog do! I wish I had known about this vent site many years ago. I needed it back then. Now my SDs are off at college, so my life has gotten back to some normalcy. You are right, they were entitled, and they were told to make sure everyone knew how "they felt" ... no one ever asked me how I felt as a stepped-on step-mom. I'm sorry you had to be raised with the blended family issues that are so tough on kids ... and I'm glad that now you are trying to stay together so that your kids don't go through the same thing. I've said that same thing many times -- just because the girls had a crappy hand of cards dealt to them doesn't mean that they can treat me like crap, but they were allowed to do that very thing.

No one "gets it" unless they've been there ... supermom123

StepAside's picture

I know what divorce can do to

I know what divorce can do to a kid. I have 3 grown SD's who have been the most malicious, manipulative, deceitful, selfish, spiteful, vicious people I have ever known. The adults around them saw them in action, and excused all of it. To date, my SD's justify their actions. One, as an adult, the oldest SD told my DH that I deserved every bit of their hateful behavior over the years. No remorse, ever. None. They often took pacts when they would see us, promising each other not to ever acknowledge my presence, while visiting in my own house! That was a favorite game of theirs. They threw tantrums, as full grown adults, aimed specifically to humiliate me and my DH and nobody would say a word.

My biggest fear in life is that my children turn out like them. My kids are the polar opposite to my sd's. They are kind, empathetic to others, honest, helpful, respectful, modest, gorgeous, humble, straight A students and very talented in the arts.

If we divorced, that could all change. Divorce court, fighting, dating, new living arrangements, going back and forth between homes, new stepparents, etc. could blow their world apart.

I love my DH, but when he was married the first time, he had one thing on his mind... other women. Later, after their divorce, his ex decided it was her time, and dumped all three of their kids at my MIL's house. Neither of them was interested in being a parent ever. Guess who gets the blame for their faults? ME!

I "stole" their daddy. I did no such thing. He had other priorities at the time. That wasn't my fault. All I knew was that I was marrying a man who had kids from a previous marriage. I didn't realize I was entering a war zone with people who would want to see me dead for the next 20 years.

My DH is a great father now to our two. And that pisses his grown daughters off even more. That's life. We rarely ever see them. So be it. But I did not create this situation. Their PARENTS did. They worship their mother. She dumped them. I don't get it. But it happens all the time with abusive or negligent mothers. Their children give them saint status, and all the resentment gets aimed at us.

Whatever. I'm just not about to see my kid's brains get scrambled like eggs from divorce if I can help it. My DH feels the same way. He's had hell from his entitled, grown daughters who treat him like a chump who writes checks. They think that's what he deserves. Retribution is their thing. Whatever, it doesn't mean he's happy with the results either. Good thing he figured it out with our two.

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

napamom's picture

I cut my SD so much slack I

I cut my SD so much slack I do her a disservice. I expect my 2 year old to say please and thank you but let it slide when the 13 year old SD NEVER says it. That same 2 year old also has more chores than the SD13. I am always upbeat and positive with her, even though, I rarely get a response back. All I ask is that she respects everyone in the house. Not too much to ask. The posters are right, this is a safe place where we can vent because most of us are constantly letting things slide and getting shit by our SKIDS. But you are Supermom so more power to ya!

zaniness's picture

I totally understand you. The

I totally understand you. The problem is that we often think that we know everything and that we are right in everything. Children can always teach us valuable lessons. But this topic is way too discussed that we will never get to a final conclusion. As a matter a fact you could even make money online by opening a blog dealing with such matters.