Step Talk

I married a hero. In twenty-plus years of active duty military service, he was in combat 18 times. His medals weigh down his uniform so much that I can hardly lift his dress blouse. Up in the closet in our office is a stack of commendations, letters of merit, etc. that is, no kidding, two feet high. I've known him all my life. He's a good man. He's a generous and loving husband, a hands-on and involved father, a caring and considerate son and a hard-working and conscientious provider. He's selfless and giving and funny and loyal and trustworthy. He always has my back. Even when we're fighting, he will defend me against anyone else. He is everything I ever wanted.

He's also very human. I can say those things about my husband because they are all very true and I have great respect for him as the man that I described. But you know what? He farts. He belches. He picks his nose and doesn't always even try to hide it. He's lied to me more times than I can count. He can be an absolute asshole without even having to try. He's let me down more than once. He's let the kids down more than once. All his military achievments came with a hefty price that he, I and our whole family must pay on a daily basis and probably forever. He's caved to BM when I thought he should stand firm. He volunteered to pay hefty CS just to avoid fighting it out with her in court to lower the amount, because he would have rather been rid of her than continue their relationship through fighting over money. He's done a lot of things that, looking back, I've found disappointing and not worthy of respect. But still, as a man, I have great respect for him.

To answer the question about whether or not you can have a successful marriage with someone you no longer respect, I say no. But what you can do is re-evaluate your criteria for what entitles him to your respect. Human beings are imperfect creatures. If he doesn't measure up, then can you find another yardstick by which to measure him? Maybe he doesn't deal with BM, skids, in-laws, etc. the way you want him to. Maybe you just have to give him credit for the things he does right and give him the benefit of the doubt for the things he does wrong. Sometimes you have to stop looking at what they do wrong and try to find what they do right.

It's hard, when you feel like he's choosing them over you. You have to wonder where his loyalties lay. Although it feels like it, maybe it's not a you vs. them choice for him. Maybe it's choosing the lesser of two evils. Our husbands don't have to try as hard to win our love because they know they have it. It's harder for them to win the love of children who are being manipulated by their mother to not love them. Look at it this way... do you want to argue with someone who loves you or someone who hates you? It sucks when it feels like he's choosing them over you, but you have to know that in his heart, that's not the choice that he's making.

There have been low points in my seven-year marriage when I have definitely lost resepct for my DH. Catching him in lies, seeing him mishandle (IMHO) things with BM, watching him screw up his relationship with the skids, etc. The farting, belching and nose-picking doesn't really scream RESPECT ME, either. But he's human and fallible and stupid and a jerk. He's also pretty damned great in a lot of ways. He's my husband. There are still lots of things I respect him for. Sometimes they are hard to remember. Sometimes they are easy to see. Sometimes I have to work hard to remind myself of them. Sometimes they are blatantly obvious.

I don't think you can have a successful marriage to someone you don't respect, but I do think you can build on what you have. Adjusting your expectations can make it easier for him to meet them. Achieving some small successes in your marriage can set the stage for achieving greater successes down the road. If what we have is not what we want, then we have to create an atmosphere that engenders change. And it's easier to change ourselves than it is to change someone else. Yeah, it's manipulative, but sometimes letting them win the smaller skirmishes can help us win the more significant ones. You can set him up for definite failure by choosing to measure him with a them vs. me yardstick or you can set him up for success by choosing to measure your relationship without including BM/skids in the equation. Find things about him to respect and praise him for them. He may, all on his own, come to a realization that change isn't just better for you, it's better for him, too.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I thought I was marrying into a fairytale when I got married. The sparkle in my eyes for DH was real, and he was my hero. Very quickly I realized that the way he dealt with all of this bm/sd stuff was enough to make me hate him sometimes. I remember the fights, the tears, the anguish I felt. There were times I thought the misery I felt would surely kill me. The fact that he disregarded what *I* needed and wanted in an effort to make things "perfect" for sd and bm broke my heart. There was a time when I started looking into divorcing him, and even though I knew my life was going to suck for a lot of reasons, I knew it would be better than having the stress of all of this in my life.

Fast forward a few years. Things mellowed out some. We went to counseling (which helped, but he didn't give it long enough). I told him I was about 3/4 out the door. I told him what it would take to keep me. I was tough. I told him in no uncertain terms what my problems were with him and how he handled things.

Now: Things have gotten much easier in my family and in our relationship. There are some stressors that still exist and will always exist where sd and bm are involved. And while I still love my dh with every bit of my heart and soul, I did lose my hero worship for him, and I think that it will never be back. Maybe I walked into the situation with way too many unrealistic expectations, and maybe others don't feel such a tremendous loss that I feel. But I feel like we did lose something that we will never have again. I am content in my marriage to him, and I don't want to leave him, and I love him, but I do know those early years cost us.

The decisions I have made have never affected my since of respect for DH, even after DH spewing out hateful and hurtful things to me, I never lost respect for him . It's always been quite the opposite for me... it's a matter of DH treating me with no respect. I still regard him as being human, even if he hates me. There was a loving caring man inside of him once, and he's lost his way, and that loving caring affectionate sole is lost inside of a bitter resentful man now... the simple truth is, he's lost respect for himself. And with that, there's no other way but for him to work it out.

Retired (StepMom)

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

because BF presents himself as a strong fearless man; he is very physically strong and has LOTS of testosterone, however when faced with the BM and skids he is CONVINCED that THEY must have their way.

He has been completely railroaded by them even though he was warned by myself and others. And then WE as a couple suffer financially the consequences of all of his "giving the BM the benefit of the doubt" and the old chestnut "taking the high road."