So my Mother-in-law is very involved with the raising of her grandchildren which makes it way too difficult for me to build a relationship with my 17 yr old SD. My husband is very laidback and nothing really bothers him and he is used to having his mom make decisions for his children and sometime him. My SD's mom really isnt involved, but i feel like i'm outta the loop on decisions that are made........don't know my place....help??
My SD and Her GM.....Feel like I'n outta the loop!
Submitted by KeeKee75 on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 8:13am
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Google emotional blackmail
Google emotional blackmail and find a good counselor for your husband if you want this to work.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your insight on this. Just feel like i'm on the outside and I have to watch where I make comments and about what and be careful of whose toes I step on.....just tired of it all...good thing she's a hogh school senior and almost out of the house
Been there, done that. If
Been there, done that. If your husband has always been used to his mommy making decisions for him, how do you think she felt about you when you married her baby boy? She just got him back from the clutches of that last broad, and was feeling pretty swell about being the female hero to his daughter. She was riding the high of being needed again. She probably hadn't had that for a very long time. She was back in the saddle, calling the shots, being involved, having others look to her for guidance..... and then he met you.
She lost her son again, to another female. Think that made her happy? And to make matters worse, there might be a possibility HER granddaughter might like you too. And she might lose both of them again.
She might not have had much control over whether or not her son continued to listen to her, but she damn sure had/has the ability to make sure her granddaughter never leans your way.
All she has to do is capitalize on the normal fears any stepchild has about being replaced by a stepmother. My MIL told my SD's that I was evil and "the devil", among plenty of other horrid descriptions. She was right in their ears, egging them on, encouraging them to hate me and discard their chump of a father. She made sure to punish my DH. She made him out to look like a useless father, when she was the main one driving big decisions among him and his children. She created the situation where the SD's went from living with their mother to living with her. My DH just wrote the checks and did what he was told.
All in all, he was a bad, bad boy for betraying her and getting remarried. She made sure we'd both pay for it.
If you feel out of the loop, don't think that's unintentional. She very much wants you to feel out of the loop.
The only way I know to stay out of my MIL's clutches is to pretend she does not exist. Recently, I forgot my own rules and she did not fail to disappoint. She burned my ass again! After almost 20 years, you'd think I'd know better. Guess I just needed a little reminder, that people do not change, particularly insecure/jealous/spiteful ones.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
She is always in the middle
She is always in the middle of almost everything within the family and i'm tired of fighting for what i believe is right. She made it VERY clear that it was HER grandchild, firstborn at that, and she has raised her and will continue to raise her because SHE KNOWS WHAT's BEST for her.. UUGHHHH! Great points you have here!
StepAside you just described
StepAside you just described what my ex`s mother is. He never stood up for me in front of her. I am so glad I left him and the relationship . Thankfully, I do not have children or marriage with him. I admire you for staying and being able to withstand this. I was not able to . I experienced everything you described. My ex was not able to see any of this - he believed his mother and that he is a bad father and all that crap.Everything you describe is my ex`s mother - one on one. Actually, his mother used the words: you will pay for bringing anafiodorova for Christmas! It was crazy. Mind you I avoided her all year long and this was the first time I was seeing her in a year.
I would not advise anyone to stay in such circumstances and if they have an easy way out - they should seek that with kindness and love. It is very toxic and unhealthy. My ex has contacted me after 10 months of no contact. No way I am getting back to this crappy situation. Not worth my health and sanity.
Unfortunately, the main
Unfortunately, the main contributor to my success has been time. Time has been the greatest equalizer in terms of leverage. No way is my DH going to choose his aging, spiteful mother over me and our two children. Not in a million years. When she realized the shift in leverage, she yelled at him that I had "WON THE WAR!".
Yeah, I did. Shame on her for not predicting that was a possible conclusion to her STARTING war with me.
I was patient and I'm also resilient. Not sure that I'd do it all over again though. She had her hooks in my man for way too long and it really took a toll on me, and our marriage.
Long gone are the days when she will ever feel free to pop off at me again. She'll get a one way ticket out my front door if she does. Play nice and I'll play nice. Pull out the guns, and MY FAMILY will disappear. Those are the rules when at war with me.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
My DH also lived with his
My DH also lived with his parents with my SD since coming home from the hospital. SD's mom moved in but then moved out. My MIL has been raising her the majority of the time evr since. My SD and my D were having problems when we began to blend our families. Sure enough my MIL took sides and claimed that her grandchild was in the right and my kid automatically had to be the reason things weren't working out. I felt bad for my D and even got her couseling outside the family. My MIL claimed that my D should'nt be taking so long to adjust to this new family....I mean WHO IS SHE to put a time frame on someone's adjustments??? My MIL spoiled the crap outta that girl and is teaching her that the world owes her something.
My DH pleaded with his mother
My DH pleaded with his mother to stop throwing money at his grown daughters. He felt like she was creating permanent financial dependents (she was/is, it makes her feel needed). She told him not to ever tell her what to do with HER MONEY.
The next year, she asked my DH in private to reimburse her for 1/2 of the money she had spent on HIS grown children over the course of the year ($12k). He wrote her a check for half, straight out of his Christmas bonus, and I found out about it almost 6 months later.
All the sudden, they went from being HER granddaughters to HIS daughters. So she really thought she could give them money all year, be their hero and then have daddy (chump) pay her back in secret.
Wasn't that just ideal? She is an enabler, and wanted him to enable her enabling, which makes him look like an absolute chump!
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
Are they just big madams with
Are they just big madams with you? Are they like this with MIL or BM?
My OSD once told me (as an
My OSD once told me (as an adult) if she wants new clothes, she just asks her grandmother to meet her for lunch at the mall. Her grandmother is so eager to spend time with her, that she'll happily exchange time for money.
DH's daughters have zero to do with him. They never come visit, yet they have received tens of thousands from us since they turned 18. I would say they aren't even madams with DH. They offer zero and still profit.
BM gives them nothing, and she is their hero.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
They won't get away with
They won't get away with being like that for good. If they are like this with their skids or worse their kids will cut them out of their life. Has anyone ever annoyed them so much like they have you?
My DH knows that the only way
My DH knows that the only way SDs would come around is if he spends money on them. And he continues spending.
BM is a hero even though she never sees them. Still a hero.
And BM's relatives are heroes too even though they were never in the picture. SDs love to talk about wonderful uncles and aunts and cousins, some of them they have NEVER met and some they saw only as kids years ago.
When OSD was here last month she pointed out on numerous occasions "That's a hospital my poor grandpa was at, look I have grandpa's pic on my facebook, look this is where we went with grandpa".
When grandpa was ill SD NEVER went to visit, when it was grandpa's 85th birthday she refused to go with BM with excuse "I'd rather go to daddy"-meaning daddy will buy me stuff and you won't, and when grandpa died SD did not go a funeral service. No, did not bother. When her grandpa died, I wrote to her expressing my condolences and her reply was "Oh I barely knew my grandpa, he was never around and we did not even know him"
Now all of a sudden, stepdown, look that's a pic of my grandpa and that's what we did with grandpa. VOMIT
I have nebr heard MIL call my
I have nebr heard MIL call my daughter her "grandaughter" but my children do call her "G-ma" for short. On Christmas she gave the two girls both the same amount of money as a gift and so did we. My MIL then pulled out like three extra gifts for my SD (diamond ring included) and also had given the same rings to her other two grands. My D didn't say anything but there's no wonder why she is still adjusting. she could've did that in private.
My Dh lived with his parents
My Dh lived with his parents after his divorce; MIL raised SD from a toddler until 6, also. I remember before DH and I married, she pulled me to the side, told me she was happy her son was getting remarried but she and Gpa really wanted SD to stay with them-which, of course, was not going to happen. But, I think it would've been better if she had. My MIL still had more say in SD's life than I did when SD lived with us. My parenting style was always compared to MIL's, too, so it was never going to be good enough for anyone. My MIL had 4 children and SD from infancy; naturally she had more experience. I married into a situation where I had no experience raising children and criticized from Day 1.
At least your SD is 17; try dealing with it for 12 years like I did.
If your DH and MIL make decisions without you, don't get pulled into any situations where you're expected to participate. For example, if they decide to buy SD a car for graduation w/out discussing it with you, then don't get involved in the insurance or payments. If Gma decides that SD needs an expensive new computer, then she pays the installments, not you. Not your kid or your problems.
This, too, shall pass.
As a matter of fact, there is
As a matter of fact, there is a discussion about splitting the costs of a car for graduation. I don't think I want to get involved since you put it that way. He still discusses financial matters with my MIL sometimes before coming to me. drives me crazy!
I've got the 'sneaky' type
I've got the 'sneaky' type in-law relatives.
I wish to GOD they were confrontational, straight up and in your face.
That I can deal with.
No, it's all done with sweet 'intentions' of 'helping'. Yeah right. I
can't even discuss a freaking narcotic alternative treatment for ADHD
with DH, as parental units, without SIL and others demanding Adderall.
Yeah, you heard me, they turned their noses up at the ADHD meds that I
wanted, ones that aren't addictive and ones that doctors prefer to give
little kids. Nope. It was a line in the sand. Harping in DHs ear constantly.
And when push came to shove though, I was in that docs room with DH and I
asked that DOC to list out the meds and such. The doc and I were absolutely
right about the Concerta being best and that he never gives little kids the
ritalin and adderall.
Small victories for me. But, I've got along way to come.
StepAside, you are my hero in this. I am an avid reader of your posts and blogs
when it comes to inlaws, alot of what you've done, I've taken on and it has worked
well for me! Thank YOU!
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
Thanks. I'd gladly exchange
Thanks. I'd gladly exchange all the information I have on dealing with a controlling MIL for the experience to never have one in the first place. It has been hell. She used to really get to me. She's so nutty now, that I just want to laugh. When the subject came up a few years ago about us changing denominations, she sat on the edge of our couch and proclaimed that any pastor that wasn't Baptist, was a devil behind the pulpit. She knows more devils than anyone I know. She's called me a devil before. She's a pint-sized ball of venom, whose job is to attack others.... in the name of Christ.
When I used to try to figure out where she came up with the way she thinks, I would get so frustrated. Now I just consider the source. She's whacked. Stay clear.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
The only more dangerous thing
The only more dangerous thing is when your husband believes her or buys into her craziness. I went through that - and I almost got crazy too. My therapist advised me to never ever come close to him or his family ever.
She is also very religious and talks about the devil and the seeds of devil. I am orthodox christian and she told me that I am not Christian?! Go figure. She is Baptist.
My ex send me an e mail after 10 months of No contact saying that he is praying for me and my family?! I have not responded. I have only love and compassion for him and his family. But when you forgive and let go it does not mean that you have forgotten. I have forgiven but not forgotten and now I choose to send love and kindness to his family from very very far - I am on another continent. I send my blessings from a distance and in my thoughts I let them go with kindness for they do not know what they have done.