Hi all…I am new to this board and have been reading your stories for the last several days with great interest. I have been a step-mom to my husband’s two daughters, ages 21 and 18 for nearly fourteen years. My DH was divorced for two years before we even met (his first wife cheated on him and left him for the man she eventually married). The girls live overseas and we see them usually every summer for three weeks.
The younger daughter is a lovely person and a pleasure to be around. The older daughter, however, comes into our home with a sense of entitlement. She is a self-proclaimed “daddy’s girl”, and it makes no difference how nice to or how much I do for her over the years, she dislikes me for the simple fact that I’m married to her dad.
She is a skilled actress and fakes her niceness to me, tells her father “she loves me to pieces” and how “sweet” I am, etc. etc. which is fine with me. I have long accepted the fact she dislikes me and has her father fooled. The only thing that matters to me is that she is respectful.
While here this time around she wasted no time announcing she would be using my brand new treadmill which is in my master bedroom (she did not ask, she TOLD us she would be using it). Grrr…..I am territorial about my personal space and in the past I have found evidence of her rummaging through my drawers. I don’t want this brat in my bedroom helping herself to my gym equipment knowing full well how much she hates my guts. I wanted to spit nails!!!!! I could maybe see a point to this if she was a regular runner or walker, which she is not. DH protested, telling me “we can’t say no”…whatever. Since I want everything to go smoothly I told him she can use it only if he leaves the bedroom door open.
They left for home yesterday, and while the visit went well, they have never shown any form of appreciation and can’t utter even a simple “thank you”. The older SD has a public facebook page and posted on her wall “I had a really nice visit, thanks dad”. I don’t expect her by any means to thank me on her facebook page but when saying goodbye can’t I at least get a ”thanks” too? It's like she makes a point of not saying it...drives me NUTS! Last time I checked my name was on the mortgage too.
Funny enough my mother-in-law has complained to me on a few occasions about the sense of entitlement older SD has and how she feels she uses her too. My question is, is it too much to expect a simple thank-you? Is this something I need to address with my DH or with the girls directly? My feelings have shifted over the years from trying fruitlessly to have a good relationship with SD's to being gracious for my DH's sake, but the entitlement and lack of appreciation really bothers me. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on this issue, thanks so much!
Yes, a simple thank you is
Yes, a simple thank you is too much. She didn't ask you to be in her life - she does not have to thank you. Even though you deserve it - don't get me wrong. SMs often forget that we signed up for a thankless job. And then wonder why we never get thanked. We married our DHs not their kids, not their exes.
You CAN put a lock on the bedroom door. You have a right to a private kid-free zone.
It's called manners and a
It's called manners and a simple thank you should be expected. All it shows is a lack of class and concern. But also, consider the source. She just makes herself look bad. I have to gently remind my SS about manners. To make you feel better - I'll give you a snippit of what I am talking about. Last weekend we took SS12 and his friend to a MLB game. The drive was over 2 hours, tickets were $150, parking $35... when all was added up it cost us over $300 for this one game!!!!! Well, when we got home, SS12 got out of my car and said - Well, that sucked! (It was a very, very hot day and we were quite miserable for part of it but to tell me THAT SUCKED after I (not SO) dropped $300???!!!) I said - Your father and I just spent over $300 so that you and your friend could go to a MLB game this summer. The only words I want to hear out of your mouth are "Thank you". Screw that - I don't care who you are - you're in my house, I am spending my hard earned cash on your ass - show me some effing respect, skid or no skid!
playing the passive agressive
playing the passive agressive game I think on MY FB I would make note of the lack of good manners SOME FOLKS have after a summer spent at your home .. .. something to the order of ::>>>>> Parents should teach their children that when there is a extended visit to some ones home that BOTH host and Hostess should be thanked .. ::sigh:: Its tragic that Mothers do not teach their daughters Proper Etiquette and these days .. """ YUP just like that <<<< and then send a link to Miss Manners ..
Don't go there darlin'
_______________________
Proud member of Ban the Spam from StepTalk Club. We promote the use of a Project HoneyPot for the capture and kill of sales bots.
______________________
http://foxie.us
I think you deserve a Thanks,
I think you deserve a Thanks, a hand written note. I make my kids do it, but I am old school. She is not going to do it or even think of you. Let it go...
let it go...they don't know
let it go...they don't know any better.
be glad they only come over once a year, they could always move next door and knock on your door any time of the day
if my SDs only came over once a year that would be enough for me!
My SD is the same way. A huge
My SD is the same way. A huge thank you on Facebook to the best dad in the whole world when we take SD and grand skids places. I never get a thank you for anything unless we are in the presence of others who could hear her. I agree with stepdown, let it go, it only eats at us because it certainly doesn't bother them especially since they know what they're doing.
Of course a thank you isn't
Of course a thank you isn't too much however don't keep wanting or expecting one from people who aren't about to give that to you.
If people were going through my dresser drawers I surely wouldnt want them in my room. I would put a lock on it and if anyone asked me about it it would be I consider that my personal and private space. When my own children were teenagers I had a lock on my bedroom door so I wouldnt hesitate to keep anyone elses kids out of my area either.
What others say and do are a reflection of them, not of you.
sd19 is the same way. she
sd19 is the same way. she will know for a fact that i did or bought something for her (in the past, i don't do that shit anymore!) and will thank only dad. and he doesn't bother to correct her. the time that stands out the most to me was when i went to the bank, MY bank, and cashed my check that i busted my ass for and gave her and bd money to go shopping as a Christmas gift. she knew it was MY check. she knew it was MY money. it was MY hand she took the money from. and she says "thanks dad...........and sm." made it very clear that she appreciates nothing i do and that dad will get the credit for everything. i swear, i could donate a kidney to her and he would get the thanks! not that i would.
"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."
Thank You is a simple thing
Thank You is a simple thing we teach our kids at what - age 3 or 4? I've forgotten its been so long. Oy Veh. But its Daddies job to do it not the steps. Have you pointed this lack of basic respect to him? If not do so.
A piece of mechanical equipment can be sabatoged temporarily - that is made non-workable yet easily repairable. Remove a chain under a cover or something.
Have you considered taking your own vacation with some friends That cruise that just happens to coincide with their visits? Last minute cruises are available - Google: last minute cruises. My favorite site is http://www.vacationstogo.com/?source=msnadc&npm=c
Invite the girl you like to go along if you can afford it or share a cabin with your BFF. How about a singles cruise? Don't tell Daddy he'll never know.
This sounds awfully
This sounds awfully familiar.... I believe that there are several issues here. One is the well of hostility that does not allow the SD to acknowledge the SM's kindness. The SD feels replaced, i suppose, and resorts to passive-agressive outbursts. I see it all the time too. My SDs seldom thank anyone sincerely but when they do, they thank their dad for gifts that i picked, paid for and wrapped. This is fine, but i am done buying anything for them.
Another issue is how we, the SMs, respond to them. Forget spitting nails - set your expectations so low as to be barely above the floor. See the humor in things. Make fun of them when talking to your friends. Sometimes the gap between what is offered them and the reponse is so huge as to be comical. Case in point: i invited my YSD and her friend to go to the opera with me and my DH about 2 years ago. We were lucky to get free FRONT-ROW seats to Cosi Fan Tutte at the Met. They came from a friend of mine. Market value of the tickets: about a thousand dollars. Sheer joy of watching Mozart's opera up close and personal: priceless! There was no one between us and the singers, it was like having them sing in our living room. It was truly magical, as we had the best seats in the house. Neither the SD, nor her friend have ever said thank you to me. I find it hilarious and love telling this story to my girlfriends as i cannot imagine anything that provides a sharper image: a magnificent offering vs the total lack of gratitude.
Need i say that i have never invited her again but always took pleasure in recounting - within her earshot - how many other operas we have thoroughly enjoyed at the Met?
I love love. I hate hate.
"It's like she makes a point
"It's like she makes a point of not saying it..."
I'm sure she does.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
thank you so much for all the
thank you so much for all the great feedback. I am feeling much better after my first full day of peace and quiet
Things will go back to normal now, meaning I will not hear a peep as daddy's girl only calls DH on his cell phone when she knows I am at work. Younger SD hates talking on the phone at all. But come Christmas she will call daddy as usual & it will be the same drill as DH passes the phone to me to wish his darling princess a merry Christmas. But I've decided as of today that if she cannot show me basic respect while in my home I will not be taking the phone!
As another poster pointed out, at least I only have to deal with them once a year and for this I am definitely blessed...
Twist
Honestly, I think the very
Honestly, I think the very best thing for those of us who only have to take breaks from our day to day lives, to deal with chaos from our DH's family once or twice a year, is to snap back to resuming our normal lives just as quickly as possible.
Imagine if someone murdered a family member of yours. Would you ever thank them for anything they bought for you or did for you? Murdering your family member (which seems to be the equivalent to entitled brats who acquire a stepmother) would always be at the forefront of your mind. The only thing you'd be thankful for, is if the murderer to a 6ft fall into a dirt hole.
The only answer on your part, is to never do anything for her again that would ever warrant a thank you. Don't ever expect one.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
I never thought of it this
I never thought of it this way, what an eye opener.
I did mention to DH yesterday that I wished they could've at least said thank you. He actually looked at me and said "for what?" Lol... I even showed him her facebook page where she proclaimed "thanks for the nice visit, dad!" to prove my point and he said NOTHING.
Every year he tells me I need to take one of the few vacation days I get a year off from work so that I can go shopping with them. I always oblige but guess what, that is going to stop too.
He is really good to me otherwise but when it comes to this, he can be so dense and clueless
I had this BRILLIANT idea
I had this BRILLIANT idea once to surprise DH with a visit from his 17-yr-old daughter. I arranged her plane ticket, entertainment while she was visiting, and took her shopping. She hauled a bunch of clothes into the dressing room to try on. I asked her which ones she was planning to get. "All of them". Gee, had no idea it was open buffet day on clothing aisle 9. Okay, whatever, right? All in the name of trying to "build bridges" with my arch nemesis.
During her visit, she told me that my MIL referred to me as "evil" and "the devil". Wow, thanks, that was helpful.... particularly coming from a MIL who barked at me once that I knew what I was getting it when I married a man with children. Nope, had no idea what she had in store for me. She presented herself as a short, sweet, religious person. Her daggers were hiding in her bible, and she trained her warriors that I was their enemy in war.
To date, the very best I have been able to build bridges with anyone in DH's family is to not be engaged with them whatsoever. Any attempts I have made were ridiculed, mocked, rejected or used as fodder for more gossip. After enough of these attempts, I FINALLY realized the cause and effect that was going on. It was cognitive therapy, or Pavlov's dogs, as it's finest. I give, they burn. Over and over we went through this.
I have retracted any thoughtful ideas that I have ever had for a while now, and I redirect my thoughts of giving toward people (like my family) who give back. Relationships take two. Successful relationships are built on mutual respect.
If I don't have that with someone, then there is no reason for me to ever do anything for them. I'd rather do something for a complete stranger.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
As my lawyer said to me
As my lawyer said to me recently: "They will never thank you for anything."
Lucy
NO ONE in my bedroom but me &
NO ONE in my bedroom but me & DH. EVER. NO ONE "tells" me they are going to use anything of mine. I absolutely can not understand how people let this happen. I wouldn't disable anything or hide anything to keep someone out of it. I would just not let it happen. You can put a lock on your door and make it clear to everybody that you have the right to privacy and personal space, and this is not negotiable. You make it clear to your DH that he doesn't have to say no, YOU are.
You can't make someone be grateful to you for the things you do - you can stop doing anything for which a reasonable person would expect a thank-you. You can write off their rudeness as something that is expected of awful people and let it go.
You can start setting precedents today to change what you will tolerate.
Good luck, twistalime!