OK, this is a rant/vent about my husband. SD15 is lazy as the day is long, and husband doesn't want to be "on her" all the time, so he lets her do squat. I have been out of town for three days and come home to a mess. Husband did almost nothing the whole time I was gone and SD did even less. It has been a constant fight with him to even get her to do very minimal chores. My argument is that I don't need any more housework heaped on my back in addition to my full-time job.
He and I have been e-mailing back and forth (instigated by me, of course) about SD not doing chores. His response is to just not give her an allowance. My response is that she needs to get these chores done, unless he expects me to do them instead. So I e-mailed him again today because she hasn't cleaned her bathroom in two months, I have no clean towels, and the carpet needs vacuumed. Those are her only chores and she hasn't done ANY of them.
He always makes an excuse. And he just had the nerve to e-mail me and say: "She will with us for two more weeks and then you won’t have to worry about it." What the hell? SD is supposed to go live with BM. So that means she doesn't have to do anything?! Does he think that's how you raise a child? The last time she thought she was going to live with BM, she told him "You can't make me do anything." And she was right! I'm sorry, but there's no way a child of mine would say something like that to me and get away with it!
She knows she has him under control. And he plays right into it. Amazing!
Is she really and truly
Is she really and truly going to live elsewhere?? CONGRATS!!!
So he says
But they haven't gotten anything ironed out legally. And I'm worried that the first time she has a fight with BM SD will end up right back on our doorstep. I'm afraid to celebrate just yet, if you know what I mean.
Refocus
I know it's so frustrating to have to deal with this, but maybe if you approached it in a different manner...
Your priority should be that the house is clean. If she can't be responsible enough to clean her own bathroom, then it's no longer her bathroom. It's your bathroom, you want it nice. You want the house maintained while you're gone. You want clean towels. You want the floor vacuumed. If your SD can't do it, then your DH needs to do it. If he won't do it either then he needs to pay someone to do it. If you make your focus the house & not your SD, the house might get picked up. A good point to relay this message to him would be "I don't care if Godzilla cleans this house, I just want it clean."
I hope this helps.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
Thanks Cajun Lady
This is a good suggestion. Unfortunately, it falls on deaf ears. I have told him that if SD doesn't do her chores, someone else needs to do them and it shouldn't have to be me. Not when she's here, anyway. When she's not here, then I'll have to do them (my husband will not). I love the idea of hiring someone, it's simply not in our budget. My husband tried to pay my niece (17) to clean the house while she was babysitting. But she has a job that pay pretty well, and it's not her job to clean a house she doesn't live in. (In his mind, the house is my responsibility and it's my problem if it doesn't get done.)
Comes down to No Respect
I am in the same boat... not just with SKs but with BKs. Our counselor asked me "why are you working harder than they are?" Meaning, why am I doing more work to have the house clean when they don't care? I go in to their rooms and pick up, hang up their things, take out their trash, wash clothes, etc. while they are content to live in a mess. Why? Because it’s MY house and I can’t stand living in a mess, that’s why.
When I was asked why do I let it bother me... becuase I feel like it is being disrepectful when they could care less about OUR house. I work hard to have a nice home and for them to keep it a mess is TOTAL DISRESPECT.
Well, she said to set limits and then enforce consequences. Room is clean by Friday or you stay in all weekend. (Be specific, room clean means: sheets washed, trash out, clothes hung, etc) Bathroom is scrubbed (tub, sink, etc) once a week or cell phone, tv, whatever is mine until it is complete. She also said if we need to put it in writing so all I have to do it point to the rule and consequence to make conflict less, then put it into writing and post for all to see.
She said that kids (and adults) feel more a part of the house if they have chores – not just their room, but for the good of the house… setting table at dinner, trash, yard work – whatever, so it’s for the family unit.
We are still working on the rules and consequences, but that’s our plan. I must say that my husband is wonderful – he’s willing to enforce whatever consequences to makes things work.
Good for you!
I think that's great. Unfortunately, my husband will not enforce or allow natural consequences. When SD didn't take her key with her for the thousandth time (I exaggerate only slightly) and therefore couldn't get into the house, I left her sitting on the front porch until I got back. Natural consequence. Next time, bring your key. Husband thought I should drop everything to let her in (she called his cell phone 41 times, NOT exaggerating).
Locked out....
My BD was locked out - I was in the SHOWER for all of 10 minutes.... I let her in and all was fine. Or so I thought. She goes and tells her friends that we have LOCKED her out and that she has been living at the church - riding her bike to school and rushing home to shower! Can you believe it? I had no clue until a neighbor told me what the latest rumors were!
What is it with kids and thinking they can LIE about things like that?!?!
skids are NOT guests, they are family members.
regardless of how 'short' their stay is. this is a pathetic habit that my DH is in as well and skid 12 doesn't have to lift a finger while he's here. so guess what? the female of the household becomes a M A I D. then the 'maid' becomes resentful and angry at skid and DH and the whole situation, and the cycle continues.
tell him that unless he wants to give you an 'allowance' for picking up after a kid that doesn't even belogn to you, he should reconsider his stance on this.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
I told my DH
If thet don't clean-and you don't punish them and make them clean then you can clean the whole house by yourself. Needless to say the last time they left to go to BM's house they left food, trash, and dirty clothes on the floor. He left it (excpet the food) and when they came back on Friday all happy and excited for the weekend, he sent them to their rooms no phone no tv, and took the cell phones for a month. They then had to clean their rooms all weekend. I was in complete shock!!!! He said it is disgusting and there is no reason that they should be living like pigs with no respect for our home. I thought he was drunk or something, but no he said he has just had enough and is sick of us arguing over his kids inability to do waht is asked of them. It rocked!!!!!!!
I lock my SD out when I take a shower
SD would leave the house unlocked when I was in the shower and take off. I would be up there, totally unaware, and Anna would be asleep in her crib. Anyone could have walked in and robbed us, taken Anna. So I started telling SD when I was getting in the shower, that if she wanted to leave she needed to go now and I would be locking the door. And that if she was staying she had to wait til I got out of the shower to go, and let me know she was going.
I always wonder how that would sound to someone else! My SM locks me out of the house every day! I know she wrote a little note to one of her friends recently that DH "threw" a heater at her. He moved a heater out of his way when he was talking to her. If he had thrown that 30 plus pound heater at her I'm sure she would have been hurt! I always say that SD has a Cinderella complex. She tells people she does ALL the laundry...all the dishes....all the cleaning and cooking....all the taking out of trash...and all the babysitting of Anna (she does none of the above, and on the rare occasion she does it's because someone told her to.) She actually wrote this in an essay for a contest at school, including that when she grew up she would have to still clean her room - well the whole house (she added) then said, "Or I will get a maid. Yep that's what I will do." I'm sure they had a good laugh on the contest committee. That was so inspirational!
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
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